2023 Quote of the Year Thread

[adw1977]

I would like to kick off this year's quote of the year thread with @dome in the "Long wave button!" thread:

"I had an e21 BMW with a slightly overenthusiastic eject which would launch cassettes into the back seat.

Before you call me a flash cunt there was then a high likelihood of said cassette then falling out of the car through one of the many holes in the floor."

[High Jetter]

Liked cos a cassette-size aperture, with it landing at an unknown angle in an unspecified plane, is merely one hole of many!

[Matty]

  22 hours ago, Metal Guru said:

Ever read Animal Farm?

@HillmanImp in reply:

Saw the film. Not sure how sucking off a horse would help anyone though, other than the horse of course.

[AnnoyingPentium]

@sierraman in the 'Moderns Shitting Themselves' thread...

"In my eyes they went down the wrong path in making what’s perceived to be a luxury product ‘accessible’. When a housewife of a photocopier salesman in Birkenhead can afford a nearly new example of your car something had gone terribly wrong. Sure you’ll sell loads to people in awe that they can get a Range Rover for £500 a month but after a bit people will see through that and it just looks like tacky shite. 

The only hope they’ve got now is going whole hog with making chintzy tacky crap for the China market and hope they can get a few years more by doing that. I know Jaguar is a great name but they messed all that up when they started making Mondeo’s with some leather seats and some Formica on the dash. It’s like seeing someone you used to drink with back in the day, whom you probably had some brilliant memories with then seeing them some years later in a Yates Wine Lodge, drinking Carling on a Tuesday night trying to attract fellow divorced women. You feel like going across and saying ‘Stop... it’s gone, go home before you become embarrassed’"

I was looking for the Astra Merit one, but I think it would have been from last year.

[sierraman]

I think it was a depiction of a week in February at Rhyl with a woman you have absolute contempt for, the situation magnified by having no money and being reduced to an Astra Merit. 

[wesacosa]

I know its cheating adding something from last year but I didn't see a 2022 thread and this still makes me smile.  @sierraman's take on Egg thinking of flogging his lovely K reg Mondeo rather too cheaply

 

True. Pricing it low and ‘doing a fellow enthusiast a favour...’ is the shortcut to it getting barried up or in the hands of some fool that sounds like he has a mouth full of sausages.

 

Sadly old Fords will attract some absolute roasters, partly reason I don’t attend the shows for having to listen to simpletons talking bullshit about their dads Sapphire Cosworth that he bought from Ford and that because he was so high up in the world of Ford he had a ten inch phalus cast out of bronze mounted on the roof. Or that his brother still has a Mondeo Cosworth that Ford only made one of and being a milkman in Bury meant that he was selected to test it, it still sits in his shed and has the original dog shit it drove through in 1995 in the tyres. They’ll get it out one day but they can’t show it anyone otherwise the magic will go away. 

[adw1977]

  On 22/02/2023 at 09:26, wesacosa said:

didn't see a 2022 thread

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2022 thread

[Ghosty]

  On 22/02/2023 at 14:14, adw1977 said:

2022 thread

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That went well.

[grogee]

If we can have stuff from last year then I nominate this from @warren t claim

"I bought this Cavalier 1600 GL automatic for a little more than a grand back in 1999 from a deceased estate sale. It had been fitted with hand controls as the previous owner suffered with MS. It only had 12000 miles on the clock.

 

My tame MOT man refused to get in it as the reg number had 666 in it. It took four attempts to pass its MOT as every time it was presented either the horn or a bulb wouldn't work despite that item working for me when I collected it. Spooky! It was the second haunted Mk2 Cavalier that I've had the pleasure of owning so far."

 

https://autoshite.com/topic/51596-proton-15-se-auto-now-sold-awaiting-deposit/?do=findComment&comment=2641220

[warren t claim]

  On 22/02/2023 at 20:22, grogee said:

If we can have stuff from last year then I nominate this from @warren t claim

"I bought this Cavalier 1600 GL automatic for a little more than a grand back in 1999 from a deceased estate sale. It had been fitted with hand controls as the previous owner suffered with MS. It only had 12000 miles on the clock.

 

My tame MOT man refused to get in it as the reg number had 666 in it. It took four attempts to pass its MOT as every time it was presented either the horn or a bulb wouldn't work despite that item working for me when I collected it. Spooky! It was the second haunted Mk2 Cavalier that I've had the pleasure of owning so far."

 

https://autoshite.com/topic/51596-proton-15-se-auto-now-sold-awaiting-deposit/?do=findComment&comment=2641220

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Much appreciated!

[adw1977]

  On 22/02/2023 at 15:10, Ghosty said:

That went well.

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I just assumed that the unanimous opinion of the forum was that my suggestion was unbeatable.

[warren t claim]

  On 22/02/2023 at 21:41, adw1977 said:

I just assumed that the unanimous opinion of the forum was that my suggestion was unbeatable.

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Honestly we love you!

[RoverFolkUs]

@Dobloseven in the saga holiday adverts thread 😁

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Autoshite Holidays anyone? The Sierraman Rhyl Experience. An airconditioned/just needs a regas M9, Mondeo with complimentary EML, will whisk you to a luxury static caravan. From £8.75 per person, including spending money. The Rover Folkus off road fun day?Drive the car of your dreams( £1500 max) at speeds of up to 10mph on a farmshop car park, pursued by an angry farmer on a tractor. The Jakebullet Hot Tub Weekend? All you can drink and fully air conditioned. Invacar Trekking? Drive in convoy back in time to cries of "Oi, Spastic!" Come on you lot, I'm doing all the work here! 

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[High Jetter]

On a similar theme, I quite liked this from @Metal Guru:

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Look, if you want to pay the same as a decent hotel to spend your holiday in a van and shit in a bucket, go ahead, but if your missus is so boring you have to rope in another couple to make it bearable, just do us all a favour and spend the week in your local pub.

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[wuvvum]

  On 12/01/2023 at 15:42, Aston Martin said:

Fuck my tits with a hammer.

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[Fumbler]

From @barrett. Made me giggle.

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The steering is pretty lethal but otherwise fairly pleasant to drive.

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[Conrad D. Conelrad]

This anecdote from @Datsuncog is too good to be buried in a thread about batteries:

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I was working for Halfords when the Trade Card was launched, think it might have been around 2006 or so.

There were 'incentives' for stores to sign up trade customers. Bonuses for the top store in the area, that sort of thing.

Instructions from Head Office in Redditch on precise eligibility criteria were... vague.

So you had a bunch of teenagers on a mumbled promise of riches, running round trying to sign up anyone who came through the door.

Old giffer looking for a bottle of Triplewax and a Value sponge? Certainly sir, and would you like to sign up for our trade card? There's discounts...

Harrassed mother in looking for a Zafira headlight bulb? Not a problem madam, and did you know it's cheaper if you're a Trade Card holder?

So the next thing we knew, we'd signed up about 800 customers through our store, many of which were employees and their scratty friends and extended family members... lovely.

Until the Area 6 weekly budget target dropped, and suddenly the store manager twigged that we were now expected to lift about £14,000 a week from Trade Card holders, based on the *very high* number of sign-ups we'd achieved...

Fuck me, we'd have been doing well to lift £100 a week from Trade customers. 99% of our sign-ups only ever came in to buy Jelly Belly air fresheners and South Park demister pads, none of which counted as a trade purchase. You'd get the odd punter looking filters and a brake pad set, maybe a replacement door mirror, but that was it.

So we never got near store budget again.

And we didn't get any rewards either.

In fact, "failing to achieve Trade Card targets" was used as a reason to deny us any quarterly bonuses, going forward.

So, although I didn't realise it at the time, some staff then took it upon themselves to award their own bonuses... and suddenly our stock losses jumped too.

All in all, it was a total disaster. It got worse a few months after launch when we were ordered to bin a load of our older spares stock like coils and starter motors and gasket sets, so the rare time any genuine members of the motor trade did pay us a visit for an urgent part, chances were we wouldn't have it.

"We can get it in for you, for next Wednesday..."

"Naw, yer alright son. I'll away and try Motortune."

But fuck it, I've still got mine nearly twenty years later and I still use it - even though they seem to be heavily pushing this Halfords Motoring Club as their latest wheeze...

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[somewhatfoolish]

  

  On 23/07/2023 at 14:55, twosmoke300 said:

In my mind an M Bmw should be a performance model at the top of its particular range with a powerful petrol engine . Not some dreary 4 pot diesel with a timing chain made by Elizabeth Duke and some badges on . 

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Liked mostly for the lizzie duke reference.

[Garythesnail]

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your ring piece pulsing like it has ABS

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Courtesy of @Rust Collectorin @cort16's rather excellent 320si / baby M3 thread.

[sdkrc]

@Dave_Q's comprehensive no-buy-zone policy

 

"It's all the B's for me:

Bradford, Birmingham, Blackburn, Bolton, Bury, and especially BRochdale and BRotherham"

[Datsuncog]

Still softly tittering at @grogee's TV pitch for my customary 24hr against-the-clock dash to try - and invariably fail - to get a fucked Toyota brought up to MOT standard while dodging rain showers and paid employment:

  On 30/08/2023 at 08:42, grogee said:

The last-minute element just adds to the drama, like some second rate reality show. 

'MoT Maniacs' ITV4 at 9pm. Three blokes who can't read a calendar attempt to ready an oxidized hatchback for its annual safety inspection. 

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