The grumpy thread

[MarvinsMom]

Cheap flight to South America, start new life. Perhaps make your fortune dealing in vast quantities of cocaine?

do you own a canoe?

 

if not buy one, and some life insurance. 

 

alot of life insurance.

 

did i say buy a canoe?

[Parky]

hopefully the arrival of Mr Soft would have prevented the launch of 9 million micro Jakes. But as with other posters anyone who says a condom isn't needed must need her head examined. After all she is probably clean, and does have a coil fitted as she said, but she has no idea where you've been! And that doesn't show a great deal of rational or responsible thought on her part.

 

If you want to have kids with this lady, then as you were. Otherwise be sensible old chap. The worst thing that can happen is you DONT get her pregnant. And that can be rectified at a later date if need be

[jakebullet]

Thanks gents, lessons learned. Lets just say I've not got much experience in this facet of life.

[Cheggers]

Thanks gents, lessons learned. Lets just say I've not got much experience in this facet of life.

You had a 15 stone woman sitting on your mush...That counts as an experience!!!

[cobblers]

I've taxed worse etc, but I can't stress enough if you're going for a condom and she says "you don't need one" then fucking hell man, you need a flipping 200PSI Samco cosworth turbo 200psi job - I mean what's in it for her? 

[twosmoke300]

Maybe she likes the feel of the little swimmers

[beko1987]

hopefully the arrival of Mr Soft would have prevented the launch of 9 million micro Jakes. But as with other posters anyone who says a condom isn't needed must need her head examined. After all she is probably clean, and does have a coil fitted as she said, but she has no idea where you've been! And that doesn't show a great deal of rational or responsible thought on her part.

 

If you want to have kids with this lady, then as you were. Otherwise be sensible old chap. The worst thing that can happen is you DONT get her pregnant. And that can be rectified at a later date if need be

Also dont believe her if she says she medically cant have kids, and produces doctors paperwork to prove* this. If your swimmers are strong enough they'll do the deed.

 

Do, however make the doctor that diagnosed this feel really really embarrased and apologetic when you see her out and about and she remarks on how your missus is suddenly miraculously preggers...

[MrDuke]

Shitters advice would be gratefully received.

 

 

My main advice would be, never to put that much information on a public forum again. I mean, my face is still glowing red on your behalf.

 

 

Also, emigrate.

[Cavcraft]

Charles Bukaki says

 

I didn't hate reading that. I'd just feel better not to know if you're aroused or not.

[Pillock]

Wow, this thread just took a turn.

 

 

Still, any pics?

[jakebullet]

Yes there are pics. No, I'm not posting them.

Lets move on to traditional grumps shall we, and forget all about it until the time is right to bring it up in a mega embarrassing way?

[Timewaster]

My main advice would be, never to put that much information on a public forum again. I mean, my face is still glowing red on your behalf.

 

 

Also, emigrate.

Yeah, cos we never post anything embarrassing on here.

 

You are probably alright. I wouldn't worry about it.

 

But I wouldn't do that again either!

 

If you want an excuse, they do some Speed her up / slow you down jonnies now (so you meet in the middle). Just don't get it on inside out!

[twosmoke300]

It said ribbed for her pleasure so I turned it inside out for mine !

 

I thanku , I do weddings , birthdays etc etc

[Hendry]

teenagers willing to let me fuck them for a £20 phone top up. Your mileage may vary.

Fucking brilliant! That's absolutely classic! LOL that sounds so paedo-y haha

 

In all seriousness I'm getting that desperate for my end id love to find some 18yr olds willing to take phone credit in exchange for a jump! Haha

[Aston Martin]

You drive past peoples houses, they leave the curtains open so you can see their 400 inch TV... Why the fuck are they always mounted at the coving?

[Aston Martin]

My days of classic motoring may be coming to an end. The theory was simple, I'd sell my modern motor and the £200 a month in finance payments would no longer exist so I'd either save that or use it to maintain the oldies...

 

 

 

C1 lease for Ã‚£950 down and £17.99 incl vat per month

[robinmasters]

I realise this a very common grump, but if I'd known then what I know now...

 

I'd have lived my life very differently. Very differently.

[fred]

Blimey, where to begin...

 

Judging by your recent posts, you'd got quite worked up about your impending shagfest. The "old chap" doesn't work so well under pressure...

 

Avoid having a tug for a few days before your next planned "rendezvous". Like all athletes it's good to rest up before a major event.

 

Never take a girls word for it that she's got contraception sorted...If all else fails, pull out when the trumpets start to sound. She sounds like the kind of game girl that might appreciate a bit of creampie action anyway.

 

If a 15 stone girl suggests sitting on your face, take a deep breath and practice breathing through your bumhole.

 

If anyone on an Internet forum suggests you share pictures, say no.

 

Happy to help.

 

 

Any chance of a picture or two?

I have dealt with such heavy machinery - much bigger - and Ive found just closing your eyes and Tit fapping gets it going again - although the sitting on the the face will not kick the old man up at all

[fred]

You drive past peoples houses, they leave the curtains open so you can see their 400 inch TV... Why the fuck are they always mounted at the coving?

Not quite worked out how folk can stare upwards at the TV now, mine is still in standard position 3 odd foot up on a unit

[Aston Martin]

Not quite worked out how folk can stare upwards at the TV now, mine is still in standard position 3 odd foot up on a unit

 

 

Mines on the wall at about that height. I don't understand why many people mount it soo high up.

[michael1703]

Mines in a 70 year old cabinet so it looks like I don't own one.

 

I hate seeing big tellys

[Cheggers]

Yes there are pics. No, I'm not posting them.

Lets move on to traditional grumps shall we, and forget all about it until the time is right to bring it up in a mega embarrassing way?

Hmmm, no condom and photographic evidence.

 

It may have been Mr Floppy on the night, but it might stand up in court

[rainagain]

Driving back home yesterday morning the car coming towards me flashed me and waved his hand up and down like I was going too fast, this confused me as I was only doing 30 until I saw a signet in the road up ahead. I came to a stop with a van that was already there facing me on the other side of the road, whilst the signet wandered around the road. I sat for about five minutes until it became obvious that firstly the signet was not going to get off the road itself and secondly none of the three guys in the van were going to do anything about this. So I parked up, jumped out and started to guide the signet to the pavement with the intention of guiding it to the park where the pond was. This was going fine, I was slowly walking along outside of the pavement and the signet was walking along the inside towards the entrance to the park. I then noticed the signet was starting to look nervous and I looked behind to find a woman charging up behind us with a dog, just then we got to the entrance to the park the signet panicked as the dog got even closer and tried to fly but ended up smacking it’s wing off the gate post. “Ooh that looked sore†the woman said, words just failed me, I just don’t understand what goes through some people’s heads, look there’s a man trying to guide a signet to the park, I know I will run up behind them with my dog that’s bound to make things better. How people can be this stupid/selfish amazes me, would it really have hurt for her to wait the extra minute for us to get safely into the park?

[Honey Badger]

My days of classic motoring may be coming to an end. The theory was simple, I'd sell my modern motor and the £200 a month in finance payments would no longer exist so I'd either save that or use it to maintain the oldies...

 

Well, that'd be grand but the 1300 is currently costing an average of £300 a month just to keep rolling and is steadily deteriorating, gets half the mpg of a modern car drinks £20 worth of 20/50W a fortnight and the MOT is about to expire and I highly doubt it'll pass without a fight. The 1850 is full of holes, needs a shit ton of work to get through an MOT, can't be moved as it has no brakes and won't start and the insurance is about to expire.

So obviously I need more money so I work more, problem being I leave for work in the dark and then return home in the dark, usually 6 days a week and as thus have no time to work on the cars or do anything else and I still don't have enough money.

It's also proving rather taxing on my mental health as well as my wallet and things are looking grim. All I want is to get the 1850 back into winter beater mode and fettle the 1300 back to car show cruiser standard but it's just not happening.

 

The 1300's exhaust has fallen off again just a month after I spent £300 getting the damn thing sorted and one of the brand new exhaust studs sheared when I tried to tighten the bolt. The sills are looking bad in places and the rear arches are a mess of rusty water filled bubbles and holes, this on top of the fact I bumped it right at the start of the year and have never had the money to get it fixed the rear panel, bumper and bootlid are all bent to varying degrees.

 

At this juncture my parent's suggestion of buying a brand new car on PCP for £150 a month and not bothering myself with insurance or tax or MOTs and keeping one Dolomite as a Sunday show car is the way forward. Their notion of the Triumph doing 400 miles a year and struggling to lug itself to nearby car shows a dozen times a year without conking out "because that's what classic car people do" goes against everything I've wanted to achieve over the last three years but it seems to be the unfortunately reality.

 

I summary: I R TEH GRUMPZ

This is the solution.

 

http://autoshite.com/topic/21880-for-sale-rover-214-sei-nightfire-5-door-mot-feb-2016/

 

This would involve moving your sartorial influences from The Sweeney 70s to Spender early 90s.

[Cavcraft]

We live on a council estate so therefore have a massive telly. I think it's the law.

[Bren]

Driving back home yesterday morning the car coming towards me flashed me and waved his hand up and down like I was going too fast, this confused me as I was only doing 30 until I saw a signet in the road up ahead. I came to a stop with a van that was already there facing me on the other side of the road, whilst the signet wandered around the road. I sat for about five minutes until it became obvious that firstly the signet was not going to get off the road itself and secondly none of the three guys in the van were going to do anything about this. So I parked up, jumped out and started to guide the signet to the pavement with the intention of guiding it to the park where the pond was. This was going fine, I was slowly walking along outside of the pavement and the signet was walking along the inside towards the entrance to the park. I then noticed the signet was starting to look nervous and I looked behind to find a woman charging up behind us with a dog, just then we got to the entrance to the park the signet panicked as the dog got even closer and tried to fly but ended up smacking it’s wing off the gate post. “Ooh that looked sore†the woman said, words just failed me, I just don’t understand what goes through some people’s heads, look there’s a man trying to guide a signet to the park, I know I will run up behind them with my dog that’s bound to make things better. How people can be this stupid/selfish amazes me, would it really have hurt for her to wait the extra minute for us to get safely into the park?

Nothing goes through their heads because nothing can - it's called being as thick as pigshit.

[panhard65]

You drive past peoples houses, they leave the curtains open so you can see their 400 inch TV... Why the fuck are they always mounted at the coving?

My other half is a childminder and when she replaced the bloody great CRT thing for a flat screen she had it mounted hoigh to keep the kids sticky fingers away from it. They may not all be childminders but if they have young kids they will know its a brilliant idea. Just have to make sure the little dears can't get near any wires. We had the sockets fitted up high as well to stop them.

[Cavcraft]

Twice recently the hairy cornflake had been attacked by dogs that 'don't always do that'

 

Fuck that shit, I'm taking him to the gym and then put him in my bike trailer and stop on the cycle path asking passing by dogs if they know who he is. I'M DLT MATE, DO YOU WANT SOME?'

[scaryoldcortina]

Gateshead. There, I said it. I hate Gateshead. More specifically I hate whoever has been messing with the road layout in said town. I wouldn't mind discovering that I can't turn left if it was signed properly, and in advance. Don't leave me with a single choice of straight on over the tyne bridge when my plans don't include going to Newcastle and I really wanted to turn left.

 

Still, that's better than the mess near the civic centre. I found myself at a crossroads where the traffic light was marked No right turn, no left turn, straight on no through road. Perfect! I guess the message is clear - you thought you were getting somewhere, but you are still in Gateshead.

[Bren]

Another bobby killed doing his job.

 

It's almost becoming the norm. My heart goes out to his family and colleagues.