What makes you grin? Antidote to grumpy thread

[JohnDeere]

I thought Autoshite was getting very "modern" tonight. I only just realised I'd clicked onto the new modernz section.

[Sheefag]

[richardmorris]

Cutbacks!

[richardmorris]

Riding up to the lookout in swinley to collect my handed in phone this afternoon. Saw a crown estate truck ( I want to say Vauxhall but it may be an Isuzu) coming towards me so I pulled over ( sur Le mountain bike).

He stopped and wound his window down. What started as "I think you'll find this is private property" became all pleasant when i replied, "yes, I live here".

As ever I say how nice it is that security works etc... we don't get the green estate bods round much, and he is new to me, and had been repairing the farm track.

PC hipster ( fantastic red beard) was the last one to question me just before Christmas as I was going up to the main house for drinkies. Mainly because I refuse to drive half a mile especially if I'm going to have a glass of something there. So I walk and get stopped as suspect!

Anyway, apart from a couple of dog walkers swinley was empty at 4.30pm and I did a couple of personal speed records.

[Ghosty]

Just sneaked a dealer sticker onto the wife's car. 

 

The mother likes the dealer stickers - her new Bini has its original Williams Mini Rochdale one in, but if the dealer takes it out for whatever reason she's said she wants my spare one putting in its place!

[Cavcraft]

Just signed up for this with a couple of mates...

 

 

http://www.britishquadrathlon.org.uk/?p=3294

 

 

...should be a right laugh. Going to do the lot: the cycling doesn't phase me at all, the rowing should be fun but the walk might be a challenge.

[LC Torana]

This:

 

[bub2006]

Just signed up for this with a couple of mates...

 

 

http://www.britishquadrathlon.org.uk/?p=3294

 

 

...should be a right laugh. Going to do the lot: the cycling doesn't phase me at all, the rowing should be fun but the walk might be a challenge.

Sounds fun does that. Love to get myself in shape and do something like that. I've even started gm going to the gym. Only because it's free to use at the storage place. Well equipped though.

[John F]

^ Impressive, spinning the front wheels of a mk 2 Escort.

[Guest Hooli]

^ Impressive, spinning the front wheels of a mk 2 Escort.

Laugh, I spotted that too.

[RobT]

The mention of Saisho stereo flicked my nostagia switch!  Dixons own brand FTW.

[cort1977]

Beaten to the Escort wheels thing by hours.  

 

Wasn't there one about the longest shit taken by a man?   Something like 7 days three hours using only a 3 month old copy of Exchange & Mart?

[oldcars]

One of the companies i deal with at work has got a new system, i just got a email in saying "here is your password, welcome to SHERPA"

Thought shit, i have just won a raffle at first.

[xtriple]

There's a lass works in the local shop: pretty, young, dark hair, slim with curves and a nice arse... I flirt (gently) with her constantly and she flirts back. all good fun. Today I go in the shop and she's bending over the counter from the customers side telling the guy behind the counter something so I was behind her and told her to get back behind the counter where she belongs and (gently) smacked her bum... love tap, innocuous sort of thing...

 

It wasn't her.

[loserone]

Today was such an apt* day for that mistake.

 

Christ.

 

Edit: 15 minutes later and I'm still reeling at this.  Maybe I'm just a kid, but I've never known a time when that kind of shit was acceptable - if she pressed charges you'd deserve it.  

[vulgalour]

xtriple earlier:

 

 

 

I'm really here to boast about the Rover passing its MoT though.

[Guest Hooli]

Today was international women's day, it was due to be yesterday but they were all still getting ready.

[vulgalour]

Ah now... not to be Buzz Killington over here, can we not do the stereotypical sexist jokes for today at least?  Let's just have a day where we're positive about women and how awesome they are.  If it weren't for women, none of us would exist.

[Guest Hooli]

Is that a bald spot or a thumb print?

[robinmasters]

Shamelessly stolen from the Cars and Men thread*:

 

 

*May have been edited

[xtriple]

Today was such an apt* day for that mistake.

 

Christ.

 

Edit: 15 minutes later and I'm still reeling at this.  Maybe I'm just a kid, but I've never known a time when that kind of shit was acceptable - if she pressed charges you'd deserve it.  

 

Perhaps, before jumping to conclusions, you should know (and could possibly have told from the tone of the post) that my smacking her bum is not an isolated incident! In fact, she started it by smacking mine several months ago. She has also kissed me (on the cheek   ) and stolen my walking stick, not at the same time.

 

The poor lady involved today was rightly quite aggrieved but was fine about it when the facts were established (and the girl herself walked in from the back room where she had been working) and in fact, she was rather pleased about the mistake as the 'girl' is in her early 20s and the lady today was rather a lot older than that!

[loserone]

Oh, of course! Perfectly acceptable!

[Noel Tidybeard]

The mother likes the dealer stickers - her new Bini has its original Williams Mini Rochdale one in, but if the dealer takes it out for whatever reason she's said she wants my spare one putting in its place!

 

take it out anyway- let it wear beige with pride

[Eddie Honda]

Loserone, you must be a kid. I'm not saying it's acceptable, but I think xtriple must imagine it's still 1973.

 

Xtriple is DI Ray Carling AICMFP.

[Noel Tidybeard]

I recently dug out and have been enjoying my copy of the Viz book "The Joy of Sexism", which contains a number of motoring related records (featuring shite too...), as below.

 

Car Parking

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one 19.36m 63 ft 2 ins, equivalent to three standard parking spaces by Mrs Elizabeth Simpkins (GB) driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on the 12th October 1993. She started the maneuver at 11:15AM in Ropergate, Pontefract and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours and 14 mins later. There was sight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and the two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

 

Car Repairs

The largest bill for fictitious work carried out on a X Triple's car by garage mechanics was one of £6322.88 charged by Specialist Cars Ltd. Calling in for a routine service on his Bentley, Mr Triple agreed to pay for, amongst other things, new trumpets (£752), cracked Gangle pin (£1785), realignment of main Glib shaft (£2268), new grommets (£112), set of hexagonal Tag nuts and dangelberry adapter (£35) and new piss-take valves (£120). No work was actually carried out on the car during the six weeks it spent at the garage but 4000 miles was put on the clock and he later received a speeding summons from Devon police.

 

Traffic Light Cosmetics

The longest spell spent oblivious to traffic lights whilst applying make up was one of 1 hr 51 mins 38 secs by Ms Janet Dodson (GB) at a road junction in the center of Preston on the 1st of August 1975. Ms Dodson, a piano teacher, beautified herself through 212 cycles of the lights, creating a tailback of irate motorists stretching 28 miles towards Leeds.

 

Incorrect Driving

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504 Km 313 miles from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr Julie Thorn (GB) at the wheel of a SAAB 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr Thorn smelt burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

 

Loudest Car Stereo

The Saisho stereo fitted in the Mk.II Escort belonging to Wayne Fletcher (GB) reached a momentary peak noise level of 312dB whilst waiting at traffic lights next to some girls in Stockport, Cheshire on 8th July 1988. This noise level is equivalent to 8 Concordes taking off inside the car. The girls walked off.

 

Car Customisation

Judged as a proportion of the overall value of the car, the accessories fitted to the Mk.II Escort of Wayne Fletcher (GB) add up to the worlds most expensive car customisation project at 105761%. Between 8th March 1986 and 22nd September 1996, Fletcher had spent a grand total of £63,456.99 at the Stockport branch of Halfords in an attempt to attract girls to his vehicle. His fruitless purchases include a Paddy Hopkirk Full Body Styling Kit (£3500), 'Nightrider' (sic) style Disco Stop Lights (£199), Split 45 Weber carburetors x4 (£200), Scorpion Talking Alarm (£500) and a Chromium plated Mock Twin Exhaust Extension (£285). The car is currently valued at £50 to £60.

 

Longest Wheel Spin

The greatest length of time a car has screeched its wheels to impress some girls was achieved on 9th July 1988 by Wayne Fletcher (GB) in his Mk.II Escort. When traffic lights in Stockport, Cheshire turned green, Fletcher attempted to pull off at such speed that his front wheels spun for an amazing 42 secs before the car began to move. Both tyres fell to pieces and the clutch dropped out twenty yards down the road. The girls walked off.

 

Rep Driving

The most impressive display of multi-task driving was achieved by Powdered Egg salesman Mel Henshaw (GB) at the wheel of his Vauxhall Cavalier 2L GLi. On February 12th 1992, whilst driving at 112 mph in freezing fog on the M1 in South Yorkshire, he simultaneously shaved, ate a sandwich, dictated a letter, read a road map, filled in his expenses, re-tuned the radio, took his jacket off, smoked a cigarette and spoke to his wife on his mobile phone.

 

FIFY

 

 

 

 

....sorry i'll get my coat

[cort16]

I once jumped on my mates back after spotting him in a park and taking a long run and shouting yee ha. It wasn't him .

Not as bad as slapping someone's arse but easy to do. You're are lucky you didn't get your name in the paper though even when it was inocent.

If they had called the police Id have given your dog your false teeth and when they called your name just point at him.

[loserone]

Yeah, I was more than a decade away in 1973. Must just be me that's disappointed that these attitudes towards everyday sexism haven't entirely disappeared.

[BavarianRetro]

Perhaps, before jumping to conclusions, you should know (and could possibly have told from the tone of the post) that my smacking her bum is not an isolated incident! In fact, she started it by smacking mine several months ago. She has also kissed me (on the cheek ) and stolen my walking stick, not at the same time.

 

The poor lady involved today was rightly quite aggrieved but was fine about it when the facts were established (and the girl herself walked in from the back room where she had been working) and in fact, she was rather pleased about the mistake as the 'girl' is in her early 20s and the lady today was rather a lot older than that!

I'm sorry, but what sort of sad old bastard flirts with a girl young enough to be his granddaughter?

 

 

 

Early 20s?! Get a grip man. I've got jerseys older than that.

[Guest Hooli]

Xtriple is Terry Thomas AICMFP.

FTFY

[Eddie Honda]

Goosing is okay in either direction if both parties are game. These days though there's absolutely no room for error.