What makes you grin? Antidote to grumpy thread

[The Moog]

Options 

1. Run an Autoshite Paint Ball day - instead of guns we stroll around lobbing beetroot at each other. Then go down the pub
2. Sellotape a Corsa badge to it and offer it to Cavcraft
3. Sell to Vulgalour as a paint base for his car. He can rub it all over and save paint. Beetroot stops rot.
4. Sell them to Prince fans as Limited Edition Prince Chocolates
5. Stick a banger in the middle of each one and then play pass the bomb
6. Hide them in a pile of scrap and they will be gone by morning
7. Handwrite an Escort Mexico Vin, apply sellotape, cover in cobwebs and stick on ebay. Sit back and count £££
8. Sell to Vulgalour as organic furry dice
9. Superglue a borked alternator on a beetroot and flog to Scooters
10. Stick small wigs on them and flog to American Tourists as English Haggis
11. Eat them
12. Build mini Voodoo beet people and then stab them with pins imagining they are all you hate
13. Photograph in a white room and write a long spiel about who they are a limited edition beetroot with only 2 miles on the clock, lovingly cared for by previous owner. Charge Millionity pounds
14. Carve them into exact replicas of famous locomotives, video it, stick it on Youtube and become a hero to lots of men in dodgy coats
15. Turn up down your bowls club and offer the best bowler a game. Careful remove your beets and prepare by rubbing them on your whites. Walk quickly to escape the mob
16. Velcro them to your testicles and go to A & E. It will make their day. They dont half love a larf
17. Create a small stop motion animation childrens cartoon about environmental issues, called And the Beet Goes On... sell it round the world and win Japanese Citizenship
18. Dip in chocolate and give out to the fattest kids that come round on Halloween night. They need their veg
19. Crochet a Volvo badge and pin it to them. Put up for sale and await the migration south of the SVM coming to collect.
20. Give them away but keep the free bucket

[andy18s]

Don't forget "BARN FIND" for no.7. ...

[dave21478]

The front door on my house opens outwards.

 

 

I spotted some shady looking prick going round the village obviously selling something door to door. 

He knocked on my door. I ignored it.

He started banging like fuck on the door so I ran down the stairs and threw it open.

 

Oh, your toes got all fucked up? well, flip-flops dont really match your charity-shop suit anyway. Kindly piss off.

[cms206]

An SVM EGM has occurred...

[DVee8]

HaHa this turned up on my faceache

 

 

 

[Spiny Norman]

Or the US version.

 

[Tayne]

And autos don't use less fuel, manuals do.

Autos have an unfair advantage in the european tests.

[skattrd]

What? Autos use more fuel than manuals in my experience.

[Mr Lobster]

Thought I'd lost a key. It should have been in the airing cupboard but wasn't. So I had a good look around and deduced it must have dropped through the floorboards into the space between the downstairs ceiling and floorboards I was stood on. 

 

Didn't find the key but I did find the previous owner of the houses 'secret porn location'

 

So now I have a late '70's / early '80s copy of 'Playbirds' magazine (verdict = not erotic at all) and a mysterious adult video. S'pose I'll have to find the video player just to see what it looks like then...

 

(also, before I bin it - I don't suppose thirty odd year old gentlemans magazines have any value do they...)

[fordperv]

Quality I think it would be hilarious* if someone with a 70s vintage motor had the gash mag and put it on their passenger seat at car shows, that would get the bearded bunch hot under the collar when they spot it

[HillmanImp]

What? Autos use more fuel than manuals in my experience.

 

I have not had a manual of the same car I had an auto of to offer a proper scientific answer unfortunately. 

 

However Mrs Imp drives a manual and never changes gear, instead screaming along the road at 6,000 rpm in 2nd for 3/4 of a mile until she thinks its a good time to change up to 3rd. I am currently trying to convince her to get an Auto as I suspect she will be considerably better off with one one. She has driven the Jaguar okay. 

 

Like I have always said, an auto is better 95% of the time but when you get that bendy country road, its got to be a manual.

[Cavcraft]

The road bike tyres are the opposite though in my experience, brilliant things that last for ages and never seem to get punctures. So that's that jinxed then.

 

 

I really am not making this up: cleaning the road bike ready to ride to work on Thursday. Rear tyre? Flatter than a witch's tit. 

[Tayne]

What? Autos use more fuel than manuals in my experience.

 

That would be what I meant to write.

[skattrd]

I'm wanting an auto at present as it's more relaxed driving when there's much driving to be done, but the manufacturers figures for the equivalent auto version of my boring tdi are more than 10mpg less for the auto. I am too much of a tightarse to live with that. Plus vag autos are apparently pooh.

I thinkI may just get cruise control retrofitted to the boring for more relaxed motorway driving.

[M'coli]

...but when you get that knackered battery or starter, its got to be a manual.

 

FTFY

[DS20]

I've yet to meet a car I preferred with an automatic transmission over a manual transmission. And don't get me started on Volkswagen's DSG system. It's a lurching disaster that tried to kill me at a junction: stationary, waiting to pull out - spot gap in traffic - accelerate - nothing happens - accelerator flat on floor - huge revving from engine but no movement - sudden and violent engagement of drive, with wheelspin - nearly end up with fangry Ford Fiesta in the boot.

 

Never again

[Junkman]

 

...but when you get that knackered battery or starter, its time to use your other auto chod until it's fixed.

FTFY

FTFY

[Bobthebeard]

I'm wanting an auto at present as it's more relaxed driving when there's much driving to be done, but the manufacturers figures for the equivalent auto version of my boring tdi are more than 10mpg less for the auto. I am too much of a tightarse to live with that. Plus vag autos are apparently pooh.

I thinkI may just get cruise control retrofitted to the boring for more relaxed motorway driving.

Fuel consumption on the latest (auto) Accord is actually slightly better than the outgoing manual one as an average. The last one did 28 to 32 mpg ish. 32 all day on the motorway providing no traffic jams/stop start stuff. The replacement does 26 to 40 mpg under the same conditions. At 70 mph the last one was revving at around 3,000. The Auto around 2,000. Mind you, the last one was a 2 litre. This one is a 2.4. So far in around 3,000 miles since changing the auto is definitely better on fuel overall. Plus this one has cruise control. Last one did not, makes a difference IMHO.

[eddyramrod]

I have not had a manual of the same car I had an auto of to offer a proper scientific answer unfortunately. 

 

I have.  25 years apart mind: in 1985 I had a mk1 Granada, 3.0 auto.  In 2010, a mk1 Granada, 2.5 manual.  Both Essex V6, so there should be nothing to choose between them in the economy* stakes.  And lo and behold, I couldn't see a difference, not that way at least.

 

Given even the slightest choice, I would never choose manual over auto.  And especially not in a Granada, although the chances are I've had my last one of those anyway...

[purplebargeken]

Got dragged to the grand opening of the Trust education centre this evening. Nice place and very posh. Wine available, canapes, fruit juice, cake. Cake! Grabbed a napkin with a couple of canapes, glass of apple juice. Lovely. Walked back and dropped the lot on the brand new carpet....... oops.

 

We had a room with a display running about the team that I work for. Nice selection of cards, pamphlets and pens. The senior manager laid out some pads for the CBT service. We looked at them for 3 seconds. Errrmm, who spell checked the proofs? Four managers did. Hmm, they couldn't spell 'prescription'. Major WTF moment ensued, much hiding of now useless pads. Oh how we laughed, and laughed. 

[brickwall]

Nothing like your leaders fucking up

[STUNO]

 The senior manager laid out some pads for the CBT service. Oh how we laughed, and laughed. 

 

Am I missing something about what you do for a living ?

[Bobthebeard]

Am I missing something about what you do for a living ?

Wondered about that myself, but laughed politely anyway!

[HillmanImp]

Nothing like your leaders fucking up

 

I fucked up my Visa leader yesterday if that counts?

[vulgalour]

Got the Princess summed up perfectly tonight.

 

 

I'LL GET IT

[purplebargeken]

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, not the other thing that CBT stands for. Fake 'prescription' pads for prescribing CBT only some bell end had okayed 'perscription' instead. The senior manager was actually gutted which made the laughing even more satisfying. 

[STUNO]

Cognitive Behavioural Therapy, not the other thing that CBT stands for. Fake 'prescription' pads for prescribing CBT only some bell end had okayed 'perscription' instead. The senior manager was actually gutted which made the laughing even more satisfying. 

 

 

OH Silly me . But I do think the mis-spelling getting through is brilliant, remember , not even the printers proof-reader could spell.

OH Silly me . But they don't use those useless type people anymore.

[richardmorris]

OH Silly me . But I do think the mis-spelling getting through is brilliant, remember , not even the printers proof-reader could spell.

OH Silly me . But they don't use those useless type people anymore.

 

 

Printers don't tend to proof read things themselves anymore -- they put the onus back on you to check it's what you want and then give them the ok.

[Louise2cv]

Just having a quick look through OH's facebook (I'm nosy, and he has more friends than me WAH).

I thought you guys would *love* this little exchange:

it is a robin ?
20 mins · Like · 1

close,its a reliant kitten van like Del boy`s
19 mins · Like

ask its sitting in the tree thought it might be a robin lol
17 mins · Like · 1

some ppl call them a robin reliant kitten so i suppose you are correct lol.

 

 

 

Obviously it is a Rialto that they are talking about.

 

Also:

 

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2162039/Theyre-parking-wrong-tree-Villagers-shock-Reliant-Robin-perched-precariously-branches-15ft-ground.html

 

 

 

This is where the pic came from. (I think the DM originally reported on the Robin Reliant, but were contacted by enough pedants/geeks to at least correct the order of incorrect car name).

 

Happy Wednesday.

[Craig the Princess]

Mrs the Princess cannot open this post until tomorrow (if she is reading this).

 

 

I have been to the bodyshop today to pick up two Metro front wings for the Metro Mayfair, they look awsome. They are Mrs the Princess' birthday present tomorrow so I just need to find somewhere indoors safe to hide two freshly painted wings.

 

 

Before with rusty Oporto wings

 

 

As now with slightly less rusty blue wings.

 

I'm very excited.