--

[garethj]

maybe an Audi, they're subtle but I reckon they'll make big inroads in the company car market.

 

Will they bollocks.  You want to impress someone with a company car, you get a big Renault 25, that's where the clever money is going in future fleet sales.

[stillOrange]

I pondered it for a while, it was looking like a 460.

 

 

But I decided to reward your excellent credentials.

I win!

[twosmoke300]

13 to 19 years service

Excellent sales

 

Is the Carlton still available in 92?

On steelies tho please

[I_am_Diesel]

I =3-4 years

L = Adequate.

 

After 3 to 4 years and still being adequate means that this isn't the career for me.

 

I'll transfer to the transport department and have a Bedford Midi please.

[BavarianRetro]

Oh yeah?

 

 

Enjoy your new car.

Well, don't say you weren't warned.

 

Dear MD,

 

Ref:- Transport Manager's Indiscretions

 

I thought you should know that he was the darling of the blue rinse brigade, the blond- haired champion of the Tory Party in Scotland.

 

In his trademark trews, Sir Michael Hirst swept through Conservative functions with the confidence of a man who knew where he was going.

 

Yet it was a different Sir Michael Hirst who faced his astonished family on Friday night.

 

In a highly-charged family summit, he revealed for the first time the truth which had been threatening to erupt all week.

 

Through tears, he admitted to a series of homosexual encounters, devastating his wife and his children. He then fled the £250,000 home near Milngavie in Glasgow for a bolt-hole in England.

 

A close friend said: "What he came out with was far worse than the party had feared."

 

Only hours before he told his family, a knock on the door of his home heralded the most sensational back- stabbing in modern Scottish politics.

 

Hirst went to the door to find two senior party figures asking to talk to him. They told him to lock the door, take his telephone off the hook and switch off his pager and mobile. They were not to be disturbed.

 

The officials told Hirst that The Sunday Mail was about to publish a major expose detailing a past relationship.

 

Hirst refused to sign the letter, but they would not be swayed.

 

For hours they worked on him until a shell-shocked Hirst signed the resignation letter.

 

Ironically, it was due to his efforts that the Tory campaign machine was in much better shape to fight the election north of the Border.

 

Since becoming party chairman four years ago, he had vastly improved efficiency at the Conservatives' Central Office in Edinburgh.

 

Popular with the grass roots supporters, the posh Tory chief - nicknamed `Banana Skins' in his youth - had injected astonishing enthusiasm in constituencies up and down the country.

 

He had much to be confident about. A Kirk elder, he was the right-hand man of the Prime Minister in Scotland and cruising towards a seat in the Lords.

 

But he was haunted by a skeleton in his closet. Dark mutterings had been made about his private life as party rivals tried to prevent him standing as the Tory candidate in Eastwood.

 

The vacancy arose after the resignation of Tory MP Allan Stewart, whose relationship with Catherine Knight was exposed in last week's Mail. Hirst was told by his enemies that they would drag the skeletons out of his cupboard unless he withdrew his candidacy.

 

Fearing exposure in the Press, Hirst made an emotional confession to his wife, Lady Naomi and children Sarah, 23, John, 21, and 18-year-old Kate.

 

Yet just four weeks ago, a buoyant Hirst personally welcomed John Major to a rally of 1,100 Conservative workers at a dinner in Glasgow. Sitting next to Norma Major at the top table, he assured Major that he could count on his Scottish followers for massive support in the forthcoming election.

 

And he drew loud applause when he predicted a Tory VICTORY at the polls.

 

What a difference a month makes!

 

Today 51-year-old Hirst's political career is in ruins, destroyed by "past indiscretion" in his private life and the vicious politicking within his own party.

 

Educated at the fee-paying Glasgow Academy, he graduated from Glasgow University in 1970 with a degree in law and accountancy.

 

In 1972, he married Naomi Wilson and the couple went on to have three children.

 

His business acumen earned him high rewards, a smart home, a holiday flat and a bright yellow Volvo estate with the personalised registration plate H1 RST.

 

 

I'll come in in the morning and get the keys to his office. You should also know that he's handing out company cars by asking the plebs what they want rather than just issuing them Yugo Sanas.

 

I've ordered 80. In yellow as a tribute to him.

[Jim Bergerac]

First letter S: 13-19 years

 

Last letter E: Very good.

 

I feel my excellent sales record and the fact I've seemingly been working for you since before I was old enough to be at secondary school should count in my favour. Alas, I feel the higher ups have had it in for me since I made a disgrace of myself at the 1991 Christmas party so shouldn't set my sights too high. I'd quite fancy a top of the range Rover 400. Or maybe some kind of high spec Vauxhall Cavalier.

[trigger]

T, 13-19 Years

R, Poor.

 

After my long service with the company I'd like to see myself in a burgundy Vauxhall Senator 24v but after that very drinken Christmas party where I ended up shagging the bosses Secretary in the toilets resulting in my poor record I have a feeling Senator dreams are far away now.

[Shep Shepherd]

I've been with the company for 15 years, but due to the recession, my sales have been very poor this quarter. I'll be lucky if I get a Maestro Clubman diesel.

 

Might be better off using my own 1989 Cavalier 1.6GL and wangling a fuelcard.

[Ghosty]

Looks like I won't be the only one with a Sunny...

 

I'm actually fairly pleased with a Sunny - I'd overlooked that!

[Vin]

Fantastic. I wanted the Turbo diesel...just didn't want to push my luck. Not being that ambitious and whatnot...

[JohnDeere]

Dear fleet manager,

 

I've been with the company now for 3-4 years and despite my youth have achieved "very good" sales performance this year. I have flicked through some brochures and was briefly tempted by one of these new BMW 316s - but realised that they don't even come with a radio.

 

Do you think you could reward me with a sporty Rover 420 or 405 Mi16?

 

If you give me anything with a 1.6, I'll park it overnight in a dark street outside a Travelodge in Liverpool.

 

Regards,

 

JohnDeere.

[anonymous user]

I don't want to sound impatient, but I've got to get ready for a game of tennis. I'll make it easy for you, an Escort RS Turbo will be fine, as long as it's black. It'll be handy when I want to take my mates out as the Elan I had for my 18th is a bit small and Daddy doesn't like me borrowing his XJS and no way am I being seen in Mummy's Volvo estate.

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

I'll have the cars I have now thanks, only new. I'm not having some Rover or Ford nonsense after an E32. 

[2MB]

Just arrived, excellent sales report. I feel that I deserve something thrusting and upwardly mobile for my role in the company but it's your call...

[holbeck]

3-4 years. Adequate.

 

Sierra Chasseur pls

[catsinthewelder]

Dear Fleet manager,  I realise that I shouldn't expect much but is there any chance of a Tipo?  I'm trying my hardest so please don't give me a Vauxhall.

[Sigmund Fraud]

Been in the company for 19 years, still have a very good sales report... I secretly hate myself and everyone else and wish the company went bankrupt...

 

I'd go for a large, Italian barge... something like an Alfa 164 V6 ! The fuel and maintenance bills for that would even sink Microsoft !

[garethj]

Are you dissin the Cavalier Expression?

[JohnK]

J and Y means 3-4 years service but my performance record is adequate.

 

However everybody knows I like a nice auto luxobarge and providing me with one is guaranteed to increase productivity*

 

Also, I know you're shagging the admin in reception and we need to keep this quiet otherwise the shareholder will arse rape you.

[scruff]

Happy with that! Thx Mr Hirst 

[Pillock]

In my 12 years with the company, I've reached the heights of "adequate" sales. I'm happy with that.

 

So, I'd like something with a grey lower body treatment, sunroof and I'd like a spoiler on the back. However, after "accidentally" parking my Fiesta in their showroom window I don't get on too well with the Ford dealer so perhaps something else.

[Partridge]

P = 8-12 years.

E = very good!

 

I'd like an exec car with a bit of shove and some toys, please. I don't fancy a Volvo or a Ford, but other than that, I'm not fussed about brand.

[phil_lihp]

I've been with the company for some time but my sales are poor.  That said, next month I'm going to hit target, I am, promise.

 

Despite having no kids I would like something large, comfortable and spacious with a big engine that demonstrates my long-term commitment to the company.  I would accept a SAAB 9000 if you can't stretch to the XJ6 that we both know I deserve.

[Craig the Princess]

C = 1 to 2 years

S = Very Poor

 

Could I have an AX diesel please. If not a Porsche 911 for your resales profit?.

[MrBiscuits]

Loyal, 5-7 years. but lazy, must try harder. Can I have one of them nice new facelift Renner 19's?

 

1.4 'energy' obviously, I won't push my luck...

[ShiteRider]

19 years i've been with this fucking company and i'm still driving a bloody allegro 3!

I know my sales aren't what they used to be, but it's hard in these so called "politically correct" 90s.

I'm an old school kind of geezer, i like to call a spade a spade, know what i mean? And that makes me a racist!

Is that why i'm getting punished with this beige turd?!

When i got this everyone else got two tone crusaders!

I want a proper mota, you faackin cahnt!

Nuffink foreign, velour seats, proper radio so i can listen the football, automatic ( hard changing gear in the all-agro since i lost a foot to gout)

..........Sorry i got a bit shouty i've had a wet lunch, listen you sort me out a decent car and i'll put a word in for you at the lodge ;-)

If you can't find me at me desk, i'll be at either the little chef on the bypass, or 'Magic Mistys Massage'........i've got a bad back innit.

[anonymous user]

I take it my RS Turbo is on order, I wouldn't want to have to tell Daddy that you've been sniffing around my little sister. Taking her to lunch might be innocent, but, you do know that she's only just turned 16.

[garethj]

I've heard the residuals on the RS Turbo is the only thing that goes down faster than your sister

[skattrd]

Thank you Mr Hirst, with the Alfa 164 I feel like I'm valued here

[martc]

m = 5-7 years

c = sales - very good

 

My sales are brilliant because I love moulded plastics - if it's plastic and moulded I'm your man. I would therefore be happy sitting in anything that is literally oozing moulded plastic. Mr Hirst please select a car that contains more moulded plastic than any other.