Motoring top tips!

[sierraman]

Top Tip! Convince neighbours you have an automatic by briefly selecting reverse before you drive off.

[UmBongo]

Spray your car gold.

 

The neighbours will think you have money and invite you to their swinging parties.

[saucedoctor]

When going past a speed camera, flash your headlights quickly twice, and watch the driver in front hit the brakes.

[Inspector Morose]

When parked in a large supermarket car park, easily identify your car by letting the tyres down before you leave. Then when you return from your shopping trip you'll be able to recognise your car as it'll be slightly lower than the rest.

[Inspector Morose]

Ever wanted to be a minicar driver? We'll recreate the experience by sellotaping a cornflakes packet to your roof and vomiting on the back seat.

[Inspector Morose]

Sick of that new car smell? Place a rotting fish inside your car and leave it in a warm place. After a few days that nauseating new car smell will be gone forever!

[sierraman]

Easily identify your car in a car park by running an old screwdriver down the wing inscribing your surname in

[Felly Magic]

Pretend you know absolutely nothing about cars, and buy a Vauxhall to prove this to your neighbours

[HillmanImp]

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate - Mr PU51 DRY

 

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

 

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

 

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

 

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.

 

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

 

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

 

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

 

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

 

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

 

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

 

AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

 

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.

 

Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.

 

People on motoring forums - Copy stuff off the internet and 25yr old copies of Viz and pass them off as your own in July 2013 and then copy and paste the exact same post in August 2014.

[TRW]

Make everyone around you think you've got air conditioning by driving around throughout summer with the windows up.

[Pete-M]

Announce you're a cheapskate by driving round on a sweltering hot day with all your windows down whilst wearing a sweat stained t-shirt and glaring at everyone, because you fucked the ac by never ever using it because it might cost you a fiver a month to run.

[Doctormop]

Avoid rises in petrol prices by only ever putting a tenner of fuel in your tank at any one time, hey Presto your fuel spend will never increase!

[xtriple]

Avoid rises in petrol prices by only ever putting a tenner of fuel in your tank at any one time, hey Presto your fuel spend will never increase!

That's my kind of thinking!

[HH-R]

Also, only put a tenner of petrol in at a time, because filling the tank up wastes fuel with dead weight and detouring to a petrol station doesn't.

[Joey spud]

''McCain'' frozen chips wedged into your cars heater vents will give your car upmarket air conditioning....

[purplebargeken]

Buy a misery beige Trabant and instantly increase the length of your old fella by 7". This may not work if you are female. If it does then I am very, very sorry. 

[purplebargeken]

By 'Old Fella' I mean penis. 

[Parky]

When parking in a dodgy area, remember to remove your wheels and set light to your car and hey presto! Still there the next morning!

 

When pulling out of a minor road onto a major one, don't bother waiting for the big gap behind me, why not pull out slowly in front of me and then give me the finger when I slam on the brakes mouthing "fuuuuuuuuck!"

[fordperv]

Dent every panel on your car and scrape the bumper corners on a wall, this will both deter car theives and also put people off pulling out on you at junctions

[Micrashed]

Spray your car gold.

 

The neighbours will think you have money and invite you to their swinging parties.

Or have pink pampas grass in the front garden.

[mercrocker]

Put a Chrysler 300 grille on your Bentley 

 

The neighbours will think you have no money and leave you the fuck alone

[richardmorris]

1. Save on brake pad wear by not braking- lifting off the accelerator will actually result in your car slowing down.

[Shep Shepherd]

Buy and run a 20+ year old car as a daily driver and spend the money you save in depreciation, finance payments and main dealer services on fine wine, single malt whisky, luxury foodstuffs, up to date consumer products and memorable foreign holidays

[twosmoke300]

^^^^

 

That right there is the autoshite code of conduct.

[Split_Pin]

Want to look like a cunt on the internet but can't be arsed hanging round the forums long enough for everyone to realise?

 

Just post a vauge advert for your car/parts stating "For sale, offers".

[Split_Pin]

Have a man walk in front of your car at all times holding a red flag whilst travelling at 3mph.

 

Poorer classes will stoop as you pass and wring their caps whilst staring nervously at the ground.

[Split_Pin]

Show concern for your local tyre fitter by avoiding travelling around roundabouts at less than 50mph, whilst shaking your head, like a smug bastard at anyone who does not do this.

 

VAG group car drivers, we shall follow tour example.

[UmBongo]

I used to love the Viz letters page where 'readers' would send in their top tips for every day life.

 

Convince friends that you have a high powered job in the City by leaving for work at 6 am every morning, arriving home at 10 at night, never keeping social appointments and dropping down dead at the age of 36.

 

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

 

Female shop assistants: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction.

 

[sierraman]

Convince neighbours you have a home computer buy tapping on a piece of rectangular wood whilst masturbating furiously looking into a corner of the room.

[Jim Bell]

Avoid depreciation costs by Autoshite.