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Motoring top tips!


sierraman

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Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate - Mr PU51 DRY

 

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

 

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

 

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

 

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.

 

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

 

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

 

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

 

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

 

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

 

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

 

AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

 

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.

 

Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.

 

People on motoring forums - Copy stuff off the internet and 25yr old copies of Viz and pass them off as your own in July 2013 and then copy and paste the exact same post in August 2014.

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Announce you're a cheapskate by driving round on a sweltering hot day with all your windows down whilst wearing a sweat stained t-shirt and glaring at everyone, because you fucked the ac by never ever using it because it might cost you a fiver a month to run.

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When parking in a dodgy area, remember to remove your wheels and set light to your car and hey presto! Still there the next morning!

 

When pulling out of a minor road onto a major one, don't bother waiting for the big gap behind me, why not pull out slowly in front of me and then give me the finger when I slam on the brakes mouthing "fuuuuuuuuck!"

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Buy and run a 20+ year old car as a daily driver and spend the money you save in depreciation, finance payments and main dealer services on fine wine, single malt whisky, luxury foodstuffs, up to date consumer products and memorable foreign holidays :)

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I used to love the Viz letters page where 'readers' would send in their top tips for every day life.

 

Convince friends that you have a high powered job in the City by leaving for work at 6 am every morning, arriving home at 10 at night, never keeping social appointments and dropping down dead at the age of 36.

 

DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.


If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.
 
Female shop assistants: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction.
 
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