sierraman Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Top Tip! Convince neighbours you have an automatic by briefly selecting reverse before you drive off. SamR380, davidfowler2000, UmBongo and 16 others 19 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UmBongo Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Spray your car gold. The neighbours will think you have money and invite you to their swinging parties. Micrashed, cobblers, sierraman and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
saucedoctor Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 When going past a speed camera, flash your headlights quickly twice, and watch the driver in front hit the brakes. hennabm, Angrydicky, Vince70 and 11 others 14 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inspector Morose Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 When parked in a large supermarket car park, easily identify your car by letting the tyres down before you leave. Then when you return from your shopping trip you'll be able to recognise your car as it'll be slightly lower than the rest. cobblers, Vince70, brickwall and 7 others 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inspector Morose Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Ever wanted to be a minicar driver? We'll recreate the experience by sellotaping a cornflakes packet to your roof and vomiting on the back seat. Banger Kenny, rml2345 and Vince70 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Inspector Morose Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Sick of that new car smell? Place a rotting fish inside your car and leave it in a warm place. After a few days that nauseating new car smell will be gone forever! Vince70 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sierraman Posted August 16, 2014 Author Share Posted August 16, 2014 Easily identify your car in a car park by running an old screwdriver down the wing inscribing your surname in Vince70 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Felly Magic Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Pretend you know absolutely nothing about cars, and buy a Vauxhall to prove this to your neighbours hennabm, Pete-M, Parky and 5 others 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HillmanImp Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate - Mr PU51 DRY MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off. Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency. HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one. FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb. When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity. BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers. SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help. AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return. TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going. Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply. People on motoring forums - Copy stuff off the internet and 25yr old copies of Viz and pass them off as your own in July 2013 and then copy and paste the exact same post in August 2014. davidfowler2000, richardmorris, Banger Kenny and 17 others 20 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TRW Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Make everyone around you think you've got air conditioning by driving around throughout summer with the windows up. myglaren, mat_the_cat, UmBongo and 3 others 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Pete-M Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Announce you're a cheapskate by driving round on a sweltering hot day with all your windows down whilst wearing a sweat stained t-shirt and glaring at everyone, because you fucked the ac by never ever using it because it might cost you a fiver a month to run. Minimad5, andrew e, warren t claim and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Doctormop Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Avoid rises in petrol prices by only ever putting a tenner of fuel in your tank at any one time, hey Presto your fuel spend will never increase! forddeliveryboy, Magnificent Rustbucket, TRW and 5 others 8 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xtriple Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Avoid rises in petrol prices by only ever putting a tenner of fuel in your tank at any one time, hey Presto your fuel spend will never increase!That's my kind of thinking! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HH-R Posted August 16, 2014 Share Posted August 16, 2014 Also, only put a tenner of petrol in at a time, because filling the tank up wastes fuel with dead weight and detouring to a petrol station doesn't. Vince70 and steve_earwig 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Joey spud Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 ''McCain'' frozen chips wedged into your cars heater vents will give your car upmarket air conditioning.... UmBongo, robinmasters, mouseflakes and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplebargeken Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Buy a misery beige Trabant and instantly increase the length of your old fella by 7". This may not work if you are female. If it does then I am very, very sorry. cros, Twiggy and fatharris 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
purplebargeken Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 By 'Old Fella' I mean penis. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Parky Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 When parking in a dodgy area, remember to remove your wheels and set light to your car and hey presto! Still there the next morning! When pulling out of a minor road onto a major one, don't bother waiting for the big gap behind me, why not pull out slowly in front of me and then give me the finger when I slam on the brakes mouthing "fuuuuuuuuck!" UmBongo, Vince70, hennabm and 2 others 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
fordperv Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Dent every panel on your car and scrape the bumper corners on a wall, this will both deter car theives and also put people off pulling out on you at junctions chodweaver and Vince70 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Micrashed Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Spray your car gold. The neighbours will think you have money and invite you to their swinging parties.Or have pink pampas grass in the front garden. warren t claim 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mercrocker Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Put a Chrysler 300 grille on your Bentley The neighbours will think you have no money and leave you the fuck alone Junkman, anonymous user, Banger Kenny and 7 others 10 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
richardmorris Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Save on brake pad wear by not braking- lifting off the accelerator will actually result in your car slowing down. Vince70, myglaren, Banger Kenny and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Shep Shepherd Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Buy and run a 20+ year old car as a daily driver and spend the money you save in depreciation, finance payments and main dealer services on fine wine, single malt whisky, luxury foodstuffs, up to date consumer products and memorable foreign holidays myglaren, Junkman, mercrocker and 17 others 20 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
twosmoke300 Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 ^^^^ That right there is the autoshite code of conduct. Shep Shepherd, Twiggy, 95 quid Peugeot and 1 other 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Split_Pin Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Want to look like a cunt on the internet but can't be arsed hanging round the forums long enough for everyone to realise? Just post a vauge advert for your car/parts stating "For sale, offers". mat_the_cat and fatharris 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Split_Pin Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Have a man walk in front of your car at all times holding a red flag whilst travelling at 3mph. Poorer classes will stoop as you pass and wring their caps whilst staring nervously at the ground. Vince70, myglaren and privatewire 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Split_Pin Posted August 17, 2014 Share Posted August 17, 2014 Show concern for your local tyre fitter by avoiding travelling around roundabouts at less than 50mph, whilst shaking your head, like a smug bastard at anyone who does not do this. VAG group car drivers, we shall follow tour example. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
UmBongo Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 I used to love the Viz letters page where 'readers' would send in their top tips for every day life. Convince friends that you have a high powered job in the City by leaving for work at 6 am every morning, arriving home at 10 at night, never keeping social appointments and dropping down dead at the age of 36. DRIVERS: Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone while driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way. Female shop assistants: When a garage mechanic comes to your till, add on a selection of random items they didn't know they needed and charge them £50 labour costs for the transaction. forddeliveryboy, brickwall, Essex V6 and 4 others 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sierraman Posted August 18, 2014 Author Share Posted August 18, 2014 Convince neighbours you have a home computer buy tapping on a piece of rectangular wood whilst masturbating furiously looking into a corner of the room. Station, The Moog and Vince70 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jim Bell Posted August 18, 2014 Share Posted August 18, 2014 Avoid depreciation costs by Autoshite. HillmanImp, Banger Kenny and Joloke 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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