Autoshite Top Tips

[CreepingJesus]

When selling your pride and joy, be sure you can back up your assertion of it being the best one around, with hard facts.

After all, the 13 other Carlos Fandango Flugelhorn Type-R GTRXRTS Mk2s in Helmet Purple currently on eBay, may be 10% less good than yours; but what about the next one on? Posted 3 mins after yours, and about 10% more good. Fucked now, ain't ya? That'll learn ya to make bold statements without basis.

Yours sincerely, J. Logic Esq.

[Station]

Mitsubishi Starion sellers - your car is now worth 10 times the amount it was two years ago.

Also, mk1 MR2 parts sellers - parts are now really expensive for this car due to it being a sports car.

[HillmanImp]

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply changing your name to match your existing plate - Mr PU51 DRY

 

MOTORISTS. Pressing your 'fog lights' switch a second time after the fog has cleared will actually turn your fog lights off.

 

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the direction of oncoming traffic. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead

 

A next door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

 

HGV drivers. When climbing a long hill at 20 mph, the lane to drive in is the LEFT fucking one.

 

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the road and mounting the kerb.

 

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case a large blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up the road. - D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead General Infirmary

 

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally.

 

A TEASPOON placed in a glass on the back seat of your car makes a handy audible gauge for road bump severity.

 

BUS DRIVERS. Pretend you're an airline pilot by wedging your accelerator pedal down with a heavy book, securing the steering wheel with some old rope, and then strolling back along the bus chatting casually to the passengers.

 

SAVE petrol by pushing your car to your destination. Invariably passers-by will think you've broken down and help.

 

AVOID being wheel-clamped by jacking your car up, removing the wheels and locking them safely in the boot until you return.

 

TAXI drivers. Why not pop into the garage and ask them to fix your indicators lights for you so that other motorists know where the heck you're going.

 

Make people think you have an expensive car phone by calling them, asking them to repeat everything they say and then hanging up half way through their reply.

 

People on motoring forums - Copy stuff off the internet and 25yr old copies of Viz and pass them off as your own.

[Justin Case]

For sellers - to avoid disorienting users of social networks, always make sure that your Ebay photos are posted sideways. Also beware of too flattering a description, you may end up buying your own car

 

For buyers - why bother with the internet, go to your local car auction. Carry a three month old copy of Parkers price guide with you prominently and refer to it in obvious manner, you will soon be noticed. And mind your manners, you may regret picking your nose when near the rostrum.

[Bren]

Do not ask (or text) the vendor such questions as "Is there any petrol in it M8" as the vendor may begin to form an unfavourable opinion of the caller, especially when he is trying to sell a £200 car.

 

That opinion may be further reinforced when caller turns up late, wearing a vest and shorts, and having teeth that resemble a mouthful of sugar puffs, explaining that he could'nt get a lift, but still managed to arrive with his six children in tow - all eating greggs sausage rolls and now mauling your pet dog to death.At least one of the children will be called Courtney or Jayden.

 

The deal is dead in the water when the caller states "I could only get £150 mate" and you politely refuse, pointing out that his £150 could be better spent on some form of contraceptive.

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

eBay Sellers: if a person adds your item to their watch list, that is a legally binding intent to bid. If your auction has watchers but no bids, be sure to edit an angry rant about watchers into your listing to spur them into action. 

[Cavcraft]

Live on a council estate and selling a car?

 

Remember to add to the value/entice further bidding by having what appears to be your shirtless aunty Derek loitering round, at least one youth with a black track suit top on and someone who looks distinctly like a smackhead in the pictures.

[phil_lihp]

eBay Sellers: Do not under any circumstances set a reserve price.  Start the bidding at 99p and time the auction to end at 3:35AM on a Tuesday (see previous suggestions above) and when your car sells for £34.21, get exceptionally angry with the winning bidder and refuse to complete the transaction.

 

Also, when attaching pictures to your auction listing, take them on a camera phone from 1999, include one of the front wheel, a picture of the passenger door glass and an unfocused one of the rear quarter panel - do not attempt to get the whole car in shot.  Ensure that 3 of them are the same photo, rotate them until they are completely upside down (only rank amateurs rotate them a mere 90deg) and wait for the bids to roll in.

[phil_lihp]

eBay Bidders: When you've found a car you like on ebay, it's very important that you:

 

1. Do not research the vehicle in question if you're unfamiliar with it - however, a small amount of 'knowledge' imparted from someone down the pub is acceptable as long as it's third-hand and unverified.

2. Do not under any circumstances read the description - and try not to look at the pictures*

3. Do not under any circumstances read the item specifics section

4. Place a bid immediately.

5. If you lost the auction, bad luck.  Return to step 1, rinse and repeat.

6. If you won, congratulations.  Now would be a good time to email the seller asking where the car is, how many miles it's done and what colour it is.

7. If the mileage is more than 15,000, it's not battleship grey and is not within a 3 mile radius of your house, stop here, start again and return to step 1.

 

*The exception to this would be a picture such as that suggested by Cavette above - it is then acceptable to ask for further closeup images and a followup email asking if Derek is seeing anyone.

[Station]

Irish number plate = private number plate

 

State there is 'no reserve', and then set the starting price at £1200.

[Albert Ross]

For the best results with pictures, include a row of Council Lockup doors, and be certain to use the "time/date stamp" function on your camera, (set wrong of course)

[Junkman]

After having sold a few cars on the evil bay, I came up with my own terms and conditions and have successfully used them in each listing since.

Successfully in so far, that they indeed seemed to keep away the daftest tards, and prompted a few very humorous and witty questions,

the latter always being welcome.

 

Please feel free to use them as a template for your next ebay auctions. The following is the entire text of my last ebay listing:

 

==============================================================================

Due to the increasing number of people that have a problem with their attention span,

I decided to put the small print for the auction of my car up front.

The description of the car itself follows below!

 

1. The car is located in Stockport, Cheshire, England, which is 8 miles from Manchester,

90 miles from Birmingham, 40 miles from Chester, in the vicinity of the Peak District,

and ca. 2 miles away from the M60 motorway.

 

It's not in Stockholm, Sweden, or Stockstadt, Germany. It is also not in one of the Newports,

Southport or Southampton for that matter. It is also 200 miles from London,

so driving here from the South East and being back at lunchtime will not work!

Please spend the effort and look it up in Google-Maps.

 

Can I now please be assured that you understood where the car is located and that

you will not use 'I was unaware it is that far away' as an excuse to back out of the deal?

If not, please feel free to contact me for further clarification.

 

 

2. The car is sold as seen with multiple faults, which are to be expected from a car this age,

but if it was a total rust bucket or total wreck, I would have weighed it in and not spent

the effort to list it here on Ebay.

Unfortunately, with the indecently decadent hourly rates charged by garages nowadays,

it would cost the national product of an African country to have it put right.

Hence it will need some effort by the future owner to be pristine.

Please make sure that you understand that you are looking at a car which was built x years ago

and hence isn't comparable with a new car.

Still, you can jump right in and drive it home/The car cannot be driven as is and needs to be transported.

 

 

3. Please refrain from calling me from the nearest railway station at 3:45 am and expect me

to jump out of bed to pick you up. However, during halfways civilized times this is a matter of course,

so is a decent cuppa upon arrival at my place.

 

 

4. Guarantee: I guarantee you lots of surprises and unforeseen stuff, hidden faults I'm unaware of,

obvious faults like scratches, dents, rust spots, oil leakages, faded paint, and so on, and so forth.

You will be amazed how unpredictable classic car ownership can be.

True old car enthusiasts are genuinely thrilled by this.

This very mindset is what distinguishes them from new car buyers.

Please decide before you bid to which group you really belong.

 

 

5. The buyer acquires the car as seen and where it is located now. There is no posting.

Payment will be in Pounds Sterling and settled before the car is loaded up or driven away.

Carpets, Grandma's golden teeth, or soft currency rubbish from the end of the world will not be accepted.

If need be, I can provide you with the address of a respectable pawn shop, but please make sure you have

the funds to pay for the car before another collection appointment turns into a vexation

for all parties involved.

 

 

6. Whoever thinks I'm daft enough to fall for the

 

Nigeria-check-paid-too-much-transfer-funds-back-ship-car-piss-take

 

is very welcome.

I know someone who collects exotic stamps and I use the envelopes and checks to get my fireplace going.

But do not expect me to take the car to a seaport and go to one of those international money services

conveniently located in the red-light-district to send real money to Nirvana.

 

To the contrary, even when you are from abroad, I expect you to show up in person, pay as outlined in 5.,

and in addition provide some form of legal identification like a driving license or passport,

complete with a stamp from the UK immigration authorities.

Clear enough? If not, please feel free to contact me and I'll explain it in simple English.

 

 

7. I expect that the person picking up the car be the same that is listed in the address visible

when I click on the 'order details' in Ebay.

Please provide some form of proof when you pick up the car. Alternatively, you can send a transport company,

in which case I want a business card from them and a countersigned written order of transport.

I will not under any circumstances hand the car over without getting some signature or receipt.

 

It has happened that the gutted carcass of a car has been fished out of the sea and the last owner

(in this case me) was forced to pay fines through his nose.

 

The scam to send somebody else to pick up the car that then 'disappears' with it and me being taken

to court for breach of contract won't work either - I know it already.

Despite I find it rather creative, I never fell for it.

Please click on a different auction if you want it to work.

 

 

8. Whoever now thinks 'ok, we'll get him some other way' will have tough luck, since I also know

the Oriental Bazaar scam!

To show up with 12 people moaning, whinging, shouting, menacing, threatening, giving presentations

regarding high transport costs to export countries, high duties and customs there, hints to the

non-profit nature of the goat-breeding-association in the home country - I have experienced it all.

Please come up with something different to bore me out.

 

The brother of the uncle of the mother in law can stay at home too, he will not succeed either.

Trust me, I'm not born yesterday and have done some deals in my life.

 

 

9. I will friendly, but definitely, insist that the monetary amount displayed in the Ebay auction result field

will end up in my pocket in cash, without any deductions whatsoever.

Do not even think about showing up after the sale has been agreed to negotiate.

If you so much as try, all you will experience is what it is like to merely be the sponsor of mineral oil

or railway corporations, but your career as a price negotiation agent will fail miserably and inevitably.

Trust me, I know the feeling of failure, been there, seen it, bought the T-shirt.

All I want is to avoid you having it too.

It should delight you sufficiently, that you get the car well below its actual value anyway and that this

fact is a toad I have to swallow.

 

 

10. In the unlikely event that you pull a scam I don't know about yet, I will probably even laugh and applaud.

Of course, you will be rewarded for it and I'll throw in a book of your choice written by Dr. Vernon Coleman

free of charge.

 

 

11. I am fully aware how politically incorrect my terms of sale are, so please refrain from telling me what

a right-wing pig I am.

The whole world is politically incorrect. I do not succumb to the retreat of reality in favour of this

political correctness nonsense just because I'm told so by a government more immature than its constituency.

 

The bottom line: I expect a serious buyer who knows what he is doing and doesn't disappoint me.

It's really that simple.

 

 

And now on to something entirely different. The car.

 

Mercedes-Benz 420 SE W 126 - first reg. 28.09.1990 – Smoke Silver Met.

 

Restoration project for the hardcore spannerer. Or for export/dismantling for spares.

No nasty tricks, what you see in the pictures is what you get.

That’s why these are current pictures of the car, and not from a period when it was in the blossom of its life.

 

*Automatic* *A/C* *Leather Interior*

 

For the benzophile anoraks, this is the exact optional equipment: 412,440,531,543,580,590,611,620,221,222,254,812,873

 

The car is in fully running order and can be driven away.

Engine-wise there are no problems and it’s very smooth and strong.

Two previous owners, plus there is an entry that it served as a Mercedes-Benz-UK demonstrator when new.

A Mercedes Service Booklet is with the car, but not all services are stamped.

Considering the car’s age, the leather interior is in very good nick, superbly maintained and without any marks.

 

Known faults:

 

I have found ten rust spots, which have been touched up very amateurishly with the original paint colour,

hence will not show in the pictures no matter how hard I try.

 

When flooring the accelerator, the gearbox shifts a bit erratic, hence a bit of a subdued way of driving is in order.

I suspect the brake bands 2-3 and 3-4 are nearing the end of their usefulness.

 

The A/C needs to be refilled, which – by experience – will last for two years again.

 

Two Months MOT left, no tax.

 

Epilogue for the bidders who only look at the pictures and then go ‘oh, I’ve only noticed it three minutes

before the auction ended’:

 

Do not only look at the pictures! Read what I wrote above, and then decide whether you still want to bid.

I didn’t write all this for the fun of it.

Bid, pay, collect. In that order. This is the only way we will remain being friends!

[Mr_Bo11ox]

Zzzzz

[John F]

Ebay car sellers: when selling a damaged car, tell your prospective buyers that the damage was already there when you 'brought' the car. Once people realise that it wasn't you that caused the damage they'll happily ignore it and pay the full asking price.

[cort16]

The look and saleability of any four wheel drive can be greatly improved by taking the pictures of it parked on top of the remains of your half demolished shed/fence/ dreams in the front garden of your council house.

[Station]

That's great Junkman!

[CreepingJesus]

eBay sellers; punctuation marks are for life, not just making smilies magically appear

Sea allso speling.

[Junkman]

Not many cars can be "brought to their former glory" - the overwhelming majority didn't have any to begin with.

[Mr_Bo11ox]

BE SURE TO ALWAYS USE MASSIVE LETTERS AND NO PUNCTUATION AND A WANKY FONT, MAYBE BOSH IN A BORING STORY ABOUT A MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY WHO GAVE THE CAR A SILLY NAME LIKE NORMAN OR WHATEVER AND SAY WHERE YOU'VE BEEN IN IT WHEN THE SUN WAS SHINING THEN STICK IN A COMMENT ABOUT HOW INFREQUENT THE SUN SHINES HA HA ANYWAY BACK TO THE CAR ITS RED AND HAS BEEN PAINTED AT SOME POINT, MAYBE WHEN IT WAS NEW OR MAYBE NOT AND THE ENGINE RUNS ON ALL 4 CYLINDERS SO NO PROBLEMS THERE. ITS GOT AN MOT TILL NEXT YEAR SOMETIME BUT I'VE LOST THE CERTFICATE BUT WILL GET ANOTHER BEFORE THE END OF THE AUCTION ANYWAY ITS DEFINITELY GOT AN MOT (I THINK LOL!!!!111) ANYWAY THATS ALL IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ANY MORE SEND ME A MESSAGE ALL THE BEST KEN

[tooSavvy]

BE SURE TO ALWAYS USE MASSIVE LETTERS AND NO PUNCTUATION AND A WANKY FONT, MAYBE BOSH IN A BORING STORY ABOUT A MEMBER OF YOUR FAMILY WHO GAVE THE CAR A SILLY NAME LIKE NORMAN OR WHATEVER AND SAY WHERE YOU'VE BEEN IN IT WHEN THE SUN WAS SHINING THEN STICK IN A COMMENT ABOUT HOW INFREQUENT THE SUN SHINES HA HA ANYWAY BACK TO THE CAR ITS RED AND HAS BEEN PAINTED AT SOME POINT, MAYBE WHEN IT WAS NEW OR MAYBE NOT AND THE ENGINE RUNS ON ALL 4 CYLINDERS SO NO PROBLEMS THERE. ITS GOT AN MOT TILL NEXT YEAR SOMETIME BUT I'VE LOST THE CERTFICATE BUT WILL GET ANOTHER BEFORE THE END OF THE AUCTION ANYWAY ITS DEFINITELY GOT AN MOT (I THINK LOL!!!!111) ANYWAY THATS ALL IF YOU WANT TO KNOW ANY MORE SEND ME A MESSAGE ALL THE BEST KEN

 

Aye.....

 

tooSavvy f**kinn deaf, man!

[Junkman]

DONT FORGET TO USE ONLY CAPS AND CHANGE THE COLOURS FREQUENTLY ALONG THE AD AND DONT USE ANY PUNCTUATION  AND USE COLOURS THAT ARENT IN CONTRAST WITH THE BACKGROUND

[vulgalour]

Stop it, both of you, my eyes are precious to me.

[Cavcraft]

I have to admit I often wonder if ate several boxes of crayons and six tonnes of industrial sized peanuts, then farted against a white wall, would it come out like tooSavvy types?

[sierraman]

Tell people that the 1.8 LX Escort is highly sought after amongst collectors...

[sierraman]

Oh and don't forget to give a heart wrenching story about how you would love to see it restored. After all it will take a weekends work tops to replace the boot floor and weld up the arches. One of my faves is when someone has bought some chod like a Midget or whatever, dismantled it to the last shim, then discovered its incomprehensively rotten, then advertise it as a 'unfinished project'

[ShiteRider]

Washing up liquid with a tea spoon of sugar added makes a useable swarfega alternative when dealing with oily hands......

yeah that's it, no all ebayers are mongs etc.

[Mr_Bo11ox]

L@@K L@@K L@@K

[Parky]

VAUXHALL ASTRA NOT ESCORT FOCUS MAZDA SAXO FENDER STRAT LILY SAVAGE ROBERT PESTON PORN DUNGEON etc

[John F]

Tell people that the 1.8 LX Escort is highly sort after amongst collectors...

 

EFA, these people are mongs.

[cort16]

For Sale 1992 Ford Escort 1.4LX NOT MOUSE TRP, MOULENEX BLENDER, LEAVE BLOWER, DOG KENNEL