If you were going to design a car and you wanted to be a complete bastard…

[warch]

I've plagiarised this one directly from the design of the Vauxhall Astra CC (that's the one with the foldy metal roof that you never ever see anymore).

How about a roof design that needs a certain amount of boot space to accommodate it? If the sensors decide there isn't enough room in the boot it won't operate and stays fixed in position. Sounds reasonable so far. 

But then a roof ecu fault means that the car doesn't know if there's enough room in the boot. Oh No! And for no reason at all decides to lock the boot altogether so you can't get into the fucking thing. Aah, time to replace the ecu. Where's the ecu mounted? In the fucking boot that can't be opened. What to do? Phew there's a solution! Simply get a special tool from Vauxhall or fashion your own out of a pointy stick. You'll need to open the ski hatch and basically stab randomly at the rear of the boot until you hit the internal release button. 

Naturally the only way to use the car from now on is as a fixed head coupe, with the roof ecu disconnected so you can open the boot without having to play whack the rat through a tiny aperture in the back seats. 

(BTW this wasn't even the most annoying thing about the car)

Iirc the engine, which suffered repeated FTPs due to a completely blocked DPF (it was one of the only variants of this car to feature such a thing) required the timing belt and I think the diesel pump removing to extract the inlet manifold to clean all the shite out of it. 

This was one of two diesel cars that made me swear off 'modern' diesels altogether. 

[sierraman]

2 hours ago, camryv6 said:

I would make sure all bolts seize into all bushes.

Pre treated in brine before application. 

[Imhotep]

How far in the future are we talking here? I’d suggest using the metal they made Ford Ka’s/Lancia Betas/Kia Cee’ds from - but I don’t think the people in the future would be worrying if I did that… 

As an alternative, suspension setup similar to a Rover P6

[bangernomics]

Subframe mounts, in-fact any rubber bush, mount, coupling and the like made of a compound that degrades on a timer based on various warranty expiration dates + 14 days.

A sort of half life for rubber. Same for tyre sidewalls.

Also all mounts would need every other mount within a metre removing to fit the new one but in some inscrutable sequence that when refitting was not the reverse of removal.

[andy18s]

 

How about squeezing a huge V10 into a mid size vehicle?

But in order to do so you remove all the usual accessory stuff from the front,making it all gear driven but at the rear of the engine...

 

[Volksy]

How about spending £65k on a brand new car, with all equipment installed. However you need to subscribe and pay an additional small* monthly fee to be able to use the equipment you've purchased.

 

[EyesWeldedShut]

17 hours ago, camryv6 said:

bushes

Bushes?
Oh - them things. Yeah let's have them all in a bright, bright yellow polyurethane that has a shore value similar to plasticine.  After 1,000 miles they're cracked or extruded to blazes. That's when your rusted in bolts immediately come into play.
That and the fact that we've built the suspension using 4" long bolts into the bushes and left 3.75" of clearance between the subframe and anything else that's solid and unmoveable.
Sorted.

[EyesWeldedShut]

1 hour ago, Volksy said:

How about spending £65k on a brand new car, with all equipment installed. However you need to subscribe and pay an additional small* monthly fee to be able to use the equipment you've purchased.

 

But you get the first month free before the zap it?
On day 29 you then attempt to hack/disable the control module that handles this only to find that it's backed up through the alarm/immobiliser and you have now bricked the car.
Dealer cannot access it remotely now so will have to recover the car before fitting new control module.
That'll be £1100 + VAT please sir.

 

15 hours ago, Imhotep said:

As an alternative, suspension setup similar to a Rover P6

Inboard disc brakes too please  

[camryv6]

1 hour ago, EyesWeldedShut said:

Bushes?
Oh - them things. Yeah let's have them all in a bright, bright yellow polyurethane that has a shore value similar to plasticine.  After 1,000 miles they're cracked or extruded to blazes. That's when your rusted in bolts immediately come into play.
That and the fact that we've built the suspension using 4" long bolts into the bushes and left 3.75" of clearance between the subframe and anything else that's solid and unmoveable.
Sorted.

Bitter ?

[Momentary Lapse Of Reason]

Vehicle management software written in COBOL on a PDP-7.

In the vehicle it runs on an Amstrad PC1512 via emulation software.

Only interface is by a connector, so proprietary, even the manufacturer has never heard of them.

User interface can only be accessed on a Pison 3 .

Headlights to use 1970s Ducati wiring so the photons can only just make it out of the lens.

[wuvvum]

[Bren]

Audi A8 front bumper that cannot be removed.

[EyesWeldedShut]

4 hours ago, camryv6 said:

Bitter ?

Yes please, pint of Magic Dragon Dolphin !

Oh, bushes - those. Hard rubber guy myself (fnarr, fnarr) - never fitted polybushes myself so I'm amplifying the internet lore on them
(I have been tempted, now and then, usually on a pissing wet night when trying to get a recalcitrant bush into some old Land Rover or other)

[beko1987]

4 hours ago, Momentary Lapse Of Reason said:

Vehicle management software written in COBOL on a PDP-7.

In the vehicle it runs on an Amstrad PC1512 via emulation software.

Only interface is by a connector, so proprietary, even the manufacturer has never heard of them.

User interface can only be accessed on a Pison 3 .

Headlights to use 1970s Ducati wiring so the photons can only just make it out of the lens.

There's several members on here where most of that would be a doddle 😂 looking at you @Zelandeth and @LightBulbFun and @Markeh 😂

[EyesWeldedShut]

4 hours ago, Momentary Lapse Of Reason said:

In the vehicle it runs on an Amstrad PC1512 via emulation software.

Too upmarket, we'd not get the Man on The Clapham Ominbus hooked.
Go for the Amstrad PCW 8256 instead? *Much more street cred there, shirley?
German Language internals with AZERTY keyboard.
Stick the green screen in the centre dash (a la Tesla) and have fun with centre of gravity problems plus customers poking at the screen to try and change things. Keyboard (on a six foot curly cable) in the boot, under the spare tyres [cos two of those - see below]

Have we got the rims & tyres yet? If not:
Six stud with a unique PCD, previously lost when The Huns pillaged Rome.
Different offsets front and rear (let's make the rear track narrower too, that'll help cornering).
Different tyre sizes - say 255/45/17 on the fronts and 225/75/15 on the back.
Chuck in a single, transverse leaf spring on the rear axle (like a Mk 1 Vitesse) [obvs RWD this WunderAuto]

 

*actually - referring back to previous mention on soft touch plastics that go all gooey. Can we afford not to go for a Sinclair ZX Spectrum?

[Momentary Lapse Of Reason]

7 minutes ago, EyesWeldedShut said:

Sinclair ZX Spectrum

Nah, we'll have to use a Sinclair ZX80, build from a kit by a colour blind person.

Given the ZX80's tendency to overheat we'll need to mount it in a sealed box on top of the heater.

[alcyonecorporation]

A citroen zx, powered by crayons. 

Every time it needed tyres it would come on here to crowd fund the purchase. 

 

[PhilA]

Every simple to replace part should have exactly 77% the amount of space around it that it needs in order to be removed. 

Be it a bolt, wiper motor, heater box, transmission.. turning a 10 minute job into a 17 hour ordeal requiring special tools, a hoist, a number of gaskets from a selection of kits, none of which are interchangeable, or be able to be ordered simultaneously and/or are "Currently Unavailable".

There will be one kit that has a gasket that nearly fits but causes an oil/water/atf/brake fluid/fuel leak due to being a few thousandths too small, and will only be determined to be a problem once the vehicle has been fully reassembled.

For some unknown reason the vehicle will also have metric wheels

[Momentary Lapse Of Reason]

The tyres to be of different construction.

Crossplys on the front, Radials on the rear is the legal way round.

So we won't be doing that.

Radials on the front will be a very wide size and handed.

Crossply on the back, very skinny and a different rolling size to the fronts, preferably on split rims.

[stuboy]

bulkhead drains that drop ontop of gearbox selectors....

[EyesWeldedShut]

2 minutes ago, stuboy said:

bulkhead drains that drop on top of gearbox selectors, fuseboxes, any (and all) ECUs

FTFY

[beko1987]

27 minutes ago, stuboy said:

Scuttle drains that drop ontop of wiper motors....

Ftfy 😡 Gr9 job nissan

[LightBulbFun]

"If you were going to design a car and you wanted to be a complete bastard…"

 

have all the vehicles lighting systems powered centrally by one or 2 of these (with some overly complex mechanical shutter mechanism-manifold for every light source that needed turning on or off)

https://www.lamptech.co.uk/Spec Sheets/D MHS GE Light Engine LE60.htm

Quote

The Light Engine is a sealed for life system that was very heavily promoted by GE in the early 1990s. It was developed to satisfy the expected market demand for a vast boom in fibre optics for general lighting - a trend that never really happened. Only a few prototype Light Engines were made.

At the heart of the unit is GE's XMH 60-watt Xenon Metal Halide arc tube. This is a compact DC source filled with high pressure Xenon gas, such that it delivers instant light at switch-on. The arc tube is cemented into an MR16 reflector, bearing the ConstantColor CVD hard dichroic coating. This directs a cool beam of light downwards from the vertical burning arc tube, the radiation impinging on a glass plate inclined at 45 degrees and coated with a cold light mirror. Any remaining infrared is transmitted through this mirror, while the visible rays are directed out of the fibre optic port to one side. The whole assembly is permanently fixed in a steel Bud Radio box. A second box houses the instant-restrike electronic ballast, designed for operation on 12V DC.

Technically the concept is is rather similar to the AC driven automotive metal halide lamps which had been developed by Thorn and others in Europe some years earlier. However GE did not believe in that product and axed the Thorn work, favouring its proprietary fibre optic concept.

GE promoted its Light Engine as a high efficacy alternative to other fibre optic drivers both for general illumination, and as a centralised automotive light source. However it was only ever trialled in a handful of concept cars, as automotive firms abandoned the fibre optic concept and went with the European bare lamps. The system was withdrawn by 1994.

Quote

Original / Present Value:    $2000 (1992)    £1534.64 (2004)

 

[beko1987]

16 minutes ago, LightBulbFun said:

"If you were going to design a car and you wanted to be a complete bastard…"

 

have all the vehicles lighting systems powered centrally by one or 2 of these (with some overly complex mechanical shutter mechanism-manifold for every light source that needed turning on or off)

https://www.lamptech.co.uk/Spec Sheets/D MHS GE Light Engine LE60.htm

 

Then add hid's/xenon (whichever is more power hungry)  And that box is vibration damped by a 3mm thick too small sheet of rubber around a tiny bracket and will get wet😂

[LightBulbFun]

11 minutes ago, beko1987 said:

Then add hid's/xenon (whichever is more power hungry)  And that box is vibration damped by a 3mm thick too small sheet of rubber around a tiny bracket and will get wet😂

that *is* a HID-Xenon lamp! in a sealed un-serviceable box LOL 

[Rustyrotavator]

Mandatory Servicing to be undertaken by https://libbybove.com/projects/gasket-dancers , 

Meadowsweet to be used in electrical repairs. https://libbybove.com/projects/autoelectrical-celebrations

No Connection, but  recommended by others.

[MrBig]

I would develop a relatively large capacity V6 engine for use in FWD applications. I’d make it narrow angle to be able to fit it in, but I’d make the timing chains only last around 100k and fit them at the gearbox end of the engine so when they do need to be done it’s an engine and gearbox out job. I’d probably put it in something like a Corrado to ensure access is unbelievably tight too. 

[GrumpiusMaximus]

11 hours ago, beko1987 said:

Ftfy 😡 Gr9 job nissan

See also the rear wiper motor design of the MK4 Golf, for which the spindle is also the jet for the rear washer.  When the inevitable leak occurs, it rusts the mechanism over time.  They kept this design for quite some time.  My Golf hasn’t had a rear wiper since about 2019.

[beko1987]

1 hour ago, GrumpiusMaximus said:

See also the rear wiper motor design of the MK4 Golf, for which the spindle is also the jet for the rear washer.  When the inevitable leak occurs, it rusts the mechanism over time.  They kept this design for quite some time.  My Golf hasn’t had a rear wiper since about 2019.

That explains why I see so many wiper deletes on that age golf 😂 I thought it was the owners trying to be cool...

I had the same in my laguna 2 though 😂 The split tailgate of the ph2 estate* has the spindle going through a sleeve then through the liftable glass. Mine was seized when I bought it too

[LoftyvRS]

Every single bolt on the car is a shear bolt, so everything has to be recovered to dealer for repairs.

Windscreen wiper blades coded to the glass, so they have to be replaced everytime with a new screen.

Subscription based services for everything convenience related on the car.

Touch points on the car classed as consumable items, steering wheels crumble every 10k miles, along with gear knobs and pedal rubbers - all part of the main dealer service Sir