Tropes you see on the road

[sierraman]

Give us the stereotypes you see on the road! 
 

I’ll start... Plumbers Wife - usually seen in an upmarket SUV, ideally of this year’s registration driven by the wife of a successful tradesman that is out working an 80 hour week. 

[New POD]

Footballer's wife. Usually seen in a 3 week old white range rover, struggling to park within the lines in the Parent and Child spaces at Waitrose (Formby). There are no children in the car. 

19 year old Apprentice on the line at a truck firm. Lives at home with parents, rent free, but drives a Fiesta ST with a real carbon front splitter, held in place by titanium rosejointed bracketry. and a pop and bang remap. Private Tinted gel plate reg, something like T 0 MAS 

His name is Thomas. 

[goosey]

“My First Company Vehicle “

young lad or girl driving a fairly new leased/rented company Van like an absolute nut case totally unaware they have the company name and contact details and sometimes their own mobile number on the side of the Van 

[Soundwave]

The wannabe baller - usually aged low to mid 20s. Very keen to project a wealthy "hustler" image to the world, despite actually being a part time Amazon warehouse worker. Wears a loose, probably fake, high end tracksuit that wouldn't be out of place in an early 2000s rap video. Drives an E-class or A4 with cut springs and a lurid coloured chrome wrap that cost as much as the car did. Usually has a £90 NI plate to hide the fact it's actually a 57 reg, and debadged to hide its base-model origins. Interior smells of fruit vape. Multi-fit chrome wheels optional. Usually has a sticker depicting a coat of arms or a crown somewhere on it.

[quicksilver]

The giffer. Aged somewhere around a hundred and twenty-twelve, can't see or hear properly  and drives everywhere at 40mph in a Honda Jazz with the indicators permanently flashing.

[sierraman]

  On 04/10/2023 at 13:27, Soundwave said:

The wannabe baller - usually aged low to mid 20s. Very keen to project a wealthy "hustler" image to the world, despite actually being a part time Amazon warehouse worker. Wears a loose, probably fake, high end tracksuit that wouldn't be out of place in an early 2000s rap video. Drives an E-class or A4 with cut springs and a lurid coloured chrome wrap that cost as much as the car did. Usually has a £90 NI plate to hide the fact it's actually a 57 reg, and debadged to hide its base-model origins. Interior smells of fruit vape. Multi-fit chrome wheels optional. Usually has a sticker depicting a coat of arms or a crown somewhere on it.

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Dabbles with £50 in Crypto now and again but goes off like he’s Tony Coulston-Hayter. 

[sierraman]

Because Enthusiast - has something really not very exciting like a Vectra C, has the screen obscured by a ‘Because Vauxhall’ or various Vauxhall Vectra C Owners Club ephemera. Fastidiously maintained in the sense it’s washed and snow foamed every 3 days and the calipers painted in red. Loads of tit bits stuck to it to hide the fact it’s a 1.8 LS. 

[sierraman]

  On 04/10/2023 at 13:48, quicksilver said:

The giffer. Drives everywhere at 40mph in a Honda Jazz.

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Also seen outside the Post Office at 8:15 am for a copy of the Express in an MG3 that will have done 400 miles from new, clutch slipping away to a Dobbies via a Morrison’s Cafe. 

[quicksilver]

The Classic Car Bore. A bearded middle-aged bloke wearing a tweed jacket and flat cap, driving a bright red MGB that only comes out when there's no rain forecast in a 300-mile radius. He spent a million hours restoring it all by himself and will spend even more hours telling anyone in earshot the story of every single nut and bolt.

[Pieman]

Anyone who thinks no-one else in the world matters except themselves: modern Range Rover Sport.

[Soundwave]

The green laner - usually possesses a 90s Land Rover product, with suspension far taller than needed for any off-road hazard in Britain. Obligatory "one life - live it" sticker, snorkel kit made from a piece of old guttering, wheels and tyres that wouldn't look out of place on a road roller. Tuned TD5 motor that throws soot out like a Victorian era factory, either has a hooky MOT or none at all. Calls themselves a green lane enthusiast but often drives over any private land that has the gates left open - doesn't know or care where actual green lanes are. Relaxed attitude to trespassing and poaching laws. Wears confusing combination of hi-vis jacket and camouflage trousers, making it unclear whether they want to be seen or not.

[sierraman]

  On 04/10/2023 at 13:57, quicksilver said:

The Classic Car Bore. A bearded middle-aged bloke wearing a tweed jacket and flat cap, driving a bright red MGB that only comes out when there's no rain forecast in a 300-mile radius. He spent a million hours restoring it all by himself and will spend even more hours telling anyone in earshot the story of every single nut and bolt.

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Always sounds really adenoidal. 

[quicksilver]

The self-employed contractor. Burly bloke covered in tattoos who looks like a human bulldog with a neck wider than his head. Drinks Monster, wears a baseball cap, puffer jacket and designer trainers, and spends most of his spare time at the gym. Aggressively drives either a Mitsubishi Warrior pickup with massive wheels or a pimped up Transit RS covered in lightbars, with a naff private plate that seems to bear no relation to the business name.

[Rocket88]

The Ford Bore

Usually sporting  a cheap knock off Ford “Rallye” jacket.

Drives a fake Fiesta ST in orange. Talks endless shit regarding  outrageous performance claims.

[tom13]

Every Zafira driver

Usually a Chav Dad aged 30-50 mad at life and the fact they had to buy this piece of shit rather than the car they really wanted as the needed the space for 3 kids and all their paraphernalia. Hate their wife, life and every other person in the world and because of this they choose to drive round like a cunt 24/7.

Said Zafira is usually puffing out white smoke as the stem seals or HGF are on the way out, like they all are.

[quicksilver]

Horsey type #1: haggard old lady who looks like her horses, doing 20mph in an ancient Iveco that stinks of horse shit. She's been riding her whole life without much success and keeps horses just for the love of them, so she's virtually penniless and runs the truck on a shoestring.

Horsey type #2: hot young upper-class girl driving a top-of-the-range Oakley horsebox with an expensive private plate. She's a full-time 'professional' rider funded by her wealthy parents with ambitions to be a champion one day so she needs all the gear to make the right impression.

[busmansholiday]

  On 04/10/2023 at 14:37, quicksilver said:

 

Horsey type #2: hot young upper-class girl driving a top-of-the-range Oakley horsebox with an expensive private plate. She's a full-time 'professional' rider funded by her wealthy parents with ambitions to be a champion one day so she needs all the gear to make the right impression.

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It's funny you should say this because yesterday on the M5 I overtook an extremely flash Iveco Eurocargo horsebox in a sort of gold colour with the bints name on the door. Registration was SYD1 and it was being followed by a very new Range Rover in a similar colour 

[sierraman]

I can identify with the Penniless Horsey one, a rung or two below would be the one with an elderly German car, full of straw and horse shit everywhere, back seats full of tacking gear, outside of car absolutely clarted in shit. Driver looks fucking haggard from a lifetime of shovelling shit. Car probably MOTless as it’ll be at the back of the priorities behind vet bills, farriers and sugar cubes. 

[sierraman]

  On 04/10/2023 at 14:28, tom13 said:

Every Zafira driver

Usually a Chav Dad aged 30-50 mad at life and the fact they had to buy this piece of shit rather than the car they really wanted as the needed the space for 3 kids and all their paraphernalia. Hate their wife, life and every other person in the world and because of this they choose to drive round like a cunt 24/7.

Said Zafira is usually puffing out white smoke as the stem seals or HGF are on the way out, like they all are.

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Wearing a faded George pull over. 

[Talbot]

The arrogant prick.

Middle-age semi-successful bellend, who's been given a company car that isn't a bottom-end A4.  Usually seen driving flat out in the outside lane of the motorway and/or 3" from the bumper of the car in front,  in a debadged A7, being a complete shit to absolutely anyone and everyone as he's FAR TOO FUCKING IMPORTANT to be sitting behind anyone else.

 

[Pieman]

  On 04/10/2023 at 14:17, quicksilver said:

The self-employed contractor. Burly bloke covered in tattoos who looks like a human bulldog with a neck wider than his head. Drinks Monster, wears a baseball cap, puffer jacket and designer trainers, and spends most of his spare time at the gym. Aggressively drives either a Mitsubishi Warrior pickup with massive wheels or a pimped up Transit RS covered in lightbars, with a naff private plate that seems to bear no relation to the business name.

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You forgot the "Lest We Forget" or "Help For Heroes" stickers - or if they are a few rungs lower than that, "All Lives Matter".

[Pieman]

  On 04/10/2023 at 15:07, Talbot said:

The arrogant prick.

Middle-age semi-successful bellend, who's been given a company car that isn't a bottom-end A4.  Usually seen driving flat out in the outside lane of the motorway and/or 3" from the bumper of the car in front,  in a debadged A7, being a complete shit to absolutely anyone and everyone as he's FAR TOO FUCKING IMPORTANT to be sitting behind anyone else.

 

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Also even more pissed off all the time because they can't afford a Range Rover Sport like the person I described above.

(Being a misanthrope I can see myself posting a lot in this thread.)

[HMC]

Um, i dislike other road users?

 

The forumite- displays a discrete sticker on the back to signal affiliation. If a one make club the car will be pristine, possibly with much thought gone into valve cap choice. Often seen in small groups, for which a collective term may exist.

[sierraman]

  On 04/10/2023 at 15:10, Pieman said:

You forgot the "Lest We Forget" or "Help For Heroes" stickers - or if they are a few rungs lower than that, "All Lives Matter".

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Always on a 64 plate Transit. 

[barefoot]

The 'Detroit Leaning' teenager, with the seat in their Corsa/Fiesta/Micra pushed so far back and so reclined that they can barely see beyond the wheel. 

[Pieman]

  On 04/10/2023 at 15:24, barefoot said:

The 'Detroit Leaning' teenager, with the seat in their Corsa/Fiesta/Micra pushed so far back and so reclined that they can barely see beyond the wheel. 

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So they then lean forward still with the seat all the way back and grip the wheel with one hand at top centre under their chin, known as "cripple hooking".

[EyesWeldedShut]

  On 04/10/2023 at 15:14, HMC said:

. Often seen in small groups, for which a collective term may exist.

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Clusterfuck?

[RoverFolkUs]

  On 04/10/2023 at 15:24, barefoot said:

The 'Detroit Leaning' teenager, with the seat in their Corsa/Fiesta/Micra pushed so far back and so reclined that they can barely see beyond the wheel. 

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I think you forgot to mention the fishing line with a McDonald's happy meal on the end of it to pick up kids from the local school. 

[quicksilver]

The Stobart Spotter. Usually found loitering for hours on a motorway bridge with a flask of lukewarm tea or weak orange juice, dressed head to toe in Stobart-branded clothing. They totally ignore the countless other more interesting trucks and don't even bother with a camera, but obsessively scribble the details down in their fleetbook whenever they see a Stobart truck, and will travel miles for a glimpse of the one truck that's exactly the same as all the others but they haven't seen. They mostly hunt alone but sometimes in packs, in which case when one sees a Stobart he'll give a cry that sends the others running to join him with scant regard for road safety. Sometimes a driver thinks he's going to jump off the bridge and the police close the motorway.

Luckily they're dying off since Culina took over Stobart and discontinued the livery.

[EyesWeldedShut]

  On 04/10/2023 at 14:37, quicksilver said:

Horsey type #1: haggard old lady who looks like her horses, doing 20mph in an ancient Iveco that stinks of horse shit. She's been riding her whole life without much success and keeps horses just for the love of them, so she's virtually penniless and runs the truck on a shoestring.

Horsey type #2: hot young upper-class girl driving a top-of-the-range Oakley horsebox with an expensive private plate. She's a full-time 'professional' rider funded by her wealthy parents with ambitions to be a champion one day so she needs all the gear to make the right impression.

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Problem I have is spotting when they pupate and move from your #2 to the #1 life form? Maybe there's an intermediate stage that involves the above mentioned white Land Rover product and parent/child parking?