The grumpy thread

[andrew e]

I drove along southend sea front in a new Astra 4 convertible with banging choonz of Chas & Dave blaring out a fair few years ago now I'll fetch me coat

[M'coli]

People who don't turn up to view a car when it's been pre-arranged. Guess what I had this evening? I really should have got a phone number. I'd arranged to meet them on the new services just north of Wetherby on the A1, and after 25 minutes, I went into the WHSmith to get the latest Autosport, but this leads me onto my next rant (see below).

[M'coli]

The Economist. What the hell is going on? I mean FFS, what are you doing even having subjects on the cover that make me want to pick it up, never then buy your bloody magazine??? That said, it's only the second publication I've seen that's mentioned the German election on the 27th.

[Albert Ross]

Tractors? You were lucky.............!Imagine the scenario. Me, going to work, southobound on a single carriageway road, a 60 zone, twisty, but passing places. About 25th back in a queue behind a JCB. No chance of passing.Coming the other way about mid way between my starting point and destination 40 miles away? A FUCKING JCB WITH ABOUT 100 VEHICLES TRAILING BEHIND IT! HINT!!!! JCB owners please advertise locally, and you will prevent carnage on the roads......and save fuel, time in travelling, etc. Unless you are related through birth/marriage and are just sadistic mindless fuckwits......And no, next time, don't fucking flash your lights and wave at the other JCB driver "cos you know him"...............! Wankers!

[Pillock]

I can beat that.Left work a couple of minutes late one day. Stupidly, helping someone out. As such hit all the traffic off the business park all wanting to get onto the same tiny roundabout.Got through that and there's a massive tailback with a car transporter at the front.... nailed it up the wrong lane to dive into the right one at the last minute (it's OK, it's a two-into-four arrangement not some crazy cutting in move) in front of the transporter to find.... a horse-drawn funeral.Bear in mind the nearest cemetry is three miles away, and I doubt they're running empty....So I turned off at the first opportunity which was still over a mile to find roadworks, with a quaint old stop-go sign. Man twizzled it to 'stop' just so a digger could pull out and proceed in the direction I was going. All the way past my house.

[Guest]

saa' for something. If they are that good at glottal stops, either emigrate to the middle east, or Halifax.

Summat.No, the thing that fucks me off with the English language the most is the use of superlatives. For example:'the xxxxxxxest xxxx EVER!'Until the next xmenthingboby brilliant dodo mugwump jism crap box comes along.How about 'the xxxxxxxest xxxx YET!'YET, NOT EVER!aaaaaaaaaaaaaarghgghhhhh ;lkpdoir=-ew9t =-erwpog ser[gpo9ser=a- g0 pffffffffffffffffft.

[M'coli]

I can beat that.Left work a couple of minutes late one day. Stupidly, helping someone out. As such hit all the traffic off the business park all wanting to get onto the same tiny roundabout.Got through that and there's a massive tailback with a car transporter at the front.... nailed it up the wrong lane to dive into the right one at the last minute (it's OK, it's a two-into-four arrangement not some crazy cutting in move) in front of the transporter to find.... a horse-drawn funeral.Bear in mind the nearest cemetry is three miles away, and I doubt they're running empty....So I turned off at the first opportunity which was still over a mile to find roadworks, with a quaint old stop-go sign. Man twizzled it to 'stop' just so a digger could pull out and proceed in the direction I was going. All the way past my house.

I'd have taken fate's hint, parked up, found the nearest pub, had a couple of pints and walked home.

[Milford Cubicle]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaarghgghhhhh ;lkpdoir=-ew9t =-erwpog ser[gpo9ser=a- g0 pffffffffffffffffft.

Are you a selection from the 'dove from above'?

[Rocket88]

"How are you""I'm good"I'll be the judge of that, you twunt......................

[Guest]

aaaaaaaaaaaaaarghgghhhhh ;lkpdoir=-ew9t =-erwpog ser[gpo9ser=a- g0 pffffffffffffffffft.

Are you a selection from the 'dove from above'?

Personality wise I'm more like the Crow From Below.

[Twiggy]

Back to Hirst's rant for a moment. I sat through 2 days of "Prince2 Management Training" on Monday and Tuesday.

I went on a Customer Care course once where we had to watch a bizzare tape of some American fish stall where they spent all day throwing fish about and having a great time.

Strangely I saw that same film about a week ago,(at a bums on seats, you will attend, it's compulsory, aren't we wonderful already, but how can we improve, load of bollocky, time wasting, shit) Yes it's still supposed to inspire us to come to work for the fun of it. I don't think some of my answers went down well.Q. Are you proud to work for us and do you always praise the organisation to others.A. I never admit to working for you, I either tell people I play the piano in a whorehouse, or that I'm an estate agent, it goes down better.Any questions from the floor?Yes, has anyone got a knife, I'm losing the will to live.Any sensible questions?What time does the bar open?The really sad thing is that I've been to so many of these things I can predict the questions and produce the corporate bollocks, inspirational, empowering, answers that they want. (Fortunately I'm incredibly cynical so usually give the answers to someone who wants to climb the ladder and permit myself a small smile of wry amusement when this appropriate, politically correct, twaddle is greatfully jumped upon by a management berk.)

ROFL

[shite_meister]

Wanky shitty A-merican programs on Sky that insist on having continual shite thrash metal music on in the background, why? is the average yank unable to watch anything without the sound of a second-rate Mega-death session musician giving it some for the whole sodding duration of the program? There are loads of American programs that do this not that I watch much TV mind.Also the annoying bints on Overhaulin, not only do I have to put up with an Iron Maiden wannabe as per previous rant but also some visually appealing yet deeply fucking irritating bird pretending that she not only gives a fuck about anything she's talking about but also insists on talking with a bubbly shit-eating grin.

[Albert Ross]

Radio programme announcers who insist on "music-overs" while they are talking......WHY?!

[Guest]

Radio programme announcers who insist on "music-overs" while they are talking......WHY?!

They're called 'beds' within the trade :DI don't mind an instrumental bed, but DJs who trim songs off so they can drop the start of a link over them need shooting. They're supposed make the transition between links and music easier and help any strong themes you're trying to develop in the programme, but if they're done badly or with an over zealous ducking compressor the drop in content \ levels just ends up sounding toss.GVM did hospital radio, he'll probably say I'm talking shit

[Mr H Sceptre]

Folk, who when being served at a shop, for example, say:'Can I get'Instead of'Please can I have'American bollocks.

[shite_meister]

Or simply American Bollocks

[brammy777]

Speaking of shops, it always pisses me off when people just dump their money (generally in change) on the counter rather than in the persons hand. But Ive probably inherited that peeve off my parentsIt also annoys me when people do that on the bus.I also bloody hate those touch screen train ticket machines'exact change only'What?!? Not everyone has exactly £2.95 on them. 'Only coins and card'But, i only have notes.....And then theres the ones where the touchscreen takes about a ton of pressure to work.Oh and those pin machines on the trains which the guards use never bloody work! I was once told i had to get off the train and buy a ticket because his machine was malfuctioning, or id be fined.Cheers mate, glad to see youre helping the costumer no end.And breathe.

[Pillock]

Speaking of shops, it always pisses me off when people just dump their money (generally in change) on the counter rather than in the persons hand. But Ive probably inherited that peeve off my parents

When I worked in a pub, we used to get a few people that did that.... tell them how much the round has cost, and they just chuck a note on the bar, past my outstretched hand. Bear in mind a bar often isn't, say, totally dry and it really used to annoy me.One guy kept doing it, it was sort of this 'thing' for the ladies - show how much more well-off he is than the chimp working the bar. Round came to 8 quid or so, he threw a tenner onto the wet bar. Got his pound-and-summat change, picked the drip tray up off the Smooth pump, took the grid off the top and plopped his change into the murky depths. And then put that on the bar so he could fish it out.He did as well, tight bastard. And then complained about me which got a good few giggles from the landlady.

[outlaw118]

THATS IT!!! I'VE HAD ENOUGH!!!!!!That frickin' Churchill advert with Melanie "Mouth like an axe-wound" Sykes.Whats the crack there? Do bulldogs give her the horn? Or did she make the advert just so you could cop off with Bob Mortimer? All fluttering eyelids and coquettishness...just suck the dog off and get it over with, I don't need to watch some desperate K-lister indulge in foreplay with a cartoon dog....AND ANOTHER THINGI've been off sick for nearly 4 months now, and have had the opportunity to watch all my dvds, so I've been watching a bit of daytime telly, not Jeremy Kyle or owt like that, but as The Hairy Bikers have re-appeared, I've been indulging in some food porn.WHY IS SIMON KING CALLING EVERYONE DUDE NOW?Does he not realise that he's from Washington, County Durham, not Washington DC, he's about 50 and it makes him look like a cock.The End.

[Mash]

Folk, who when being served at a shop, for example, say:'Can I get'Instead of'Please can I have'American bollocks.

In Hull we have a localised version of that:"Yeah, 'ave you got a cappucino?""Yes we have. Oh, sorry you weren't just enquiring about our stock levels"Oh and to the people waiting to collect stuff from the Royal Mail delivery office, please stop tutting and sighing in my ear'ole, you'll get served soon enough. Also, when you get to the counter don't get arsey when you find your stuff hasn't got back yet. Did you leave it a couple of days as the card says? You didn't? Hard shit then.

[Richard Cranium]

I can beat that.Left work a couple of minutes late one day. Stupidly, helping someone out. As such hit all the traffic off the business park all wanting to get onto the same tiny roundabout.Got through that and there's a massive tailback with a car transporter at the front.... nailed it up the wrong lane to dive into the right one at the last minute (it's OK, it's a two-into-four arrangement not some crazy cutting in move) in front of the transporter to find.... a horse-drawn funeral.Bear in mind the nearest cemetry is three miles away, and I doubt they're running empty....So I turned off at the first opportunity which was still over a mile to find roadworks, with a quaint old stop-go sign. Man twizzled it to 'stop' just so a digger could pull out and proceed in the direction I was going. All the way past my house.

I'd have taken fate's hint, parked up, found the nearest pub, had a couple of pints and walked home.

Same here. Fate was definitely trying to tell you something there...

[Timewaster]

Speaking of shops, it always pisses me off when people just dump their money (generally in change) on the counter rather than in the persons hand.

Oo, thats a tricky one, having (until recently) worked in a shop for longer than I care to admit, there are more than a few customers that you would much rather they leave the money so you can pick it up at arms length!Sometimes, with gentlemen of a certain age, you would have to pick out the coins and try to leave the bits of fluff, baccy, shreds of tissue, toenail clippings and bits of twine on the counter.

[michiel]

I think I will re-read this thread from page 1 over the weekend, then post a link to it in the anti-grump thread. Can this be made into a long running tv thing? Footage of shite lovers all over the globe typing away and posting in this thread, any suggestions for the voice over? I'd watch it anyway.

[pogweasel]

(Bob the dog was watching me eat them and I didn't realise, until it was too late, that he was salivating and dribbling on my socks)

Could be worse, I tried to consume a corned beef roll at lunch and had TWO dogs dribbling on me waiting for their 'share', bloody cheek of them as I had just put out two tins of Pedigree finest BEEF for their lunches, which they duly ignored in favour of trying to snaffle my sandwich. Gits.

[Pillock]

Hot water bottles.It's 2009. We can do holidays in space, we've pretty much made invisibility shields, and once that hadron collider thing stops falling apart we'll know how the world began.So why on earth is the only way of keeping warm in bed dependent on getting a stream of boiling water through a tiny hole which by design has to be right next to your fricking fingers. It's like the Krypton Factor meets one of those Japanese gameshows where everyone goes home injured in some way.Yeah, great, my poorly girlfriend is now warm in bed. But I'm now in a worse state than her with half the bloody skin hanging off my bloody thumb.

[pogweasel]

Have you not got that newfangled 'central heating' then? Simply turn all other radiators OFF except bedroom containing said girlfriend, whack thermostat up to 28 degrees and retreat to the cooler climes of the lounge to drink ale and watch pr0n on the internets and ultimately fall asleep/pass out with you rpants round your ankles, surrouned by empty tinnies and cuddling the dog, while she recuperates.

[Pillock]

Have you not got that newfangled 'central heating' then?

We have very different ideas of 'warm'. To me, it's warm if I can't see my breath. My thermostat in my old flat was wedged on '14' because it wouldn't go any lower. To her, 'warm' is where aluminium starts to melt. The only way her thermostat would be on '14' is if it was preceded by 'Gas Mark'.So hot water bottle it is, whilst I...

retreat to the cooler climes of the lounge to drink ale and watch pr0n on the internets and ultimately fall asleep/pass out with you rpants round your ankles, surrouned by empty tinnies and cuddling the dog, while she recuperates.

That's just uncanny. Except we have two dogs, one for each armpit.

[Father Ted]

Have you not got that newfangled 'central heating' then?

We have very different ideas of 'warm'. To me, it's warm if I can't see my breath.

I agree - people in this country have got too bloody soft. If you are cold stick a ganzee on. Our heating remains off and the house is still a balmy 17 degrees (and that was with the door wide open til late last night because my pussy has wrecked the flap it normally uses to come & go as it pleases (im a pussy person, not doggy)

[dollywobbler]

Electric blankets FTW! You can even get them split differently from one side to the other. Domestic bliss.

[pompei]

Im after an electric blamket for Mrs P. To go with the electric chair.