What makes you grin? Antidote to grumpy thread

[xtriple]

I have just received in the post, a Christmas card from my mate Sidney. Sidney is a dog. I sponsor him at Dogs trust (yes, me alone, I am NOT one of countless faceless thousands all bunging the wretched mutt dosh on a regular basis!    )  it has cheered me up no end.... I will at least get ONE card this Christmas!

[garbaldy]

black humour is for winners. A mate had his right hand blown off by an IED in Helmand. Went to see him in Selley Oak, "fuck mate, you ok?" etc

 

Then I offered him £15 for his Xbox.

 

His mum went ballistic. He laughed until he choked.

Years ago the wife and I went to visit my mother in hospital after an opp, we walked in and she was sitting there drinking tea, when the wife asked how she was mother replied I'm over the moon, this kind of put is at ease so wife said yes your looking OK, mother replied I've been trying for years to loose a couple of stone and now I finally have I can start dancing again, we tried not to laugh right up to the point she asked the consultant if she could take her amputated leg home.

The old lady had a weird sense of humour.

[Sloth in a bowl]

I have just received in the post, a Christmas card from my mate Sidney. Sidney is a dog. I sponsor him at Dogs trust (yes, me alone, I am NOT one of countless faceless thousands all bunging the wretched mutt dosh on a regular basis!    )  it has cheered me up no end.... I will at least get ONE card this Christmas!

 

well done xtriple

 

Guide dogs for the blind do a fairly sensible dog sponsor system. You sponsor a named dog for 2 years at about £8 a month.

You get updates on the dog and at the end of 2 years they tell you about the next puppies for training and you may select a new dog or cancel.

Each dog needs about 150 sponsors to pay for the training and they have a waiting list of thousands of people wanting a guide dog

[oldcars]

I'm not Copen with the Vampire real lamps on that Copen. It's like the ones on that new lexus saloon that taper away it just looks weird.

 

I see Fiat are bringing out a new Spider too. I'm not even going to offer 5p for anyone who can guess what it's based on as it's flippin obvious.

 

Marina?

[fordperv]

I have just received in the post, a Christmas card from my mate Sidney. Sidney is a dog. I sponsor him at Dogs trust (yes, me alone, I am NOT one of countless faceless thousands all bunging the wretched mutt dosh on a regular basis! ) it has cheered me up no end.... I will at least get ONE card this Christmas!

We sponsor a german shepherd called kala from dogs trust

[beko1987]

We 'adopted' an alpaca for someone at work who thinks their cool, the pack came through today. The person who did the order* forgot to put any punctuation on the certificate, which now looks shit. Colleague is the sort who will pick up on it too.

 

 

*I placed the order. Im hoping it bugs him all fucking year! He got an alpaca fur bookmark and 2 fridge magnets out of it though, and could go and see Gary, although he is in north yorkshire which would be 3 tanks of pez in his crv...

[Pillock]

Does Gary have a bookmark-shaped scar on his back?

[Craig the Princess]

The only pair of work 36 inch trousers I have (the the pairs of 34 inch don't fit anymore) split from the belt line to the trouser all across the back.

 

I just sewed then back together ðŸ‘Â

[hairnet]

The new Daihatsi Copen is a really nice looking car:

 

 

 

it looks ok from the front but the wheels look halfords and wtf is it with the japanese and the koreans that they dont put the reflectors in a nice place/just afterthought them??

 

wider track needed too

[hairnet]

ive done a very very bad thing

 

its been 9 years

[320touring]

ive done a very very bad thing

 

its been 9 years

well done on your 2nd comprehensable post!

[hairnet]

och will ye fek aff

[320touring]

och will ye fek aff

sorry! was too good an opportunity to miss:)

[steve_earwig]

[chaseracer]

Does Gary have a bookmark-shaped scar on his back?

 

Gary IS the bookmark, Chris.  It's a very big book.

[wuvvum]

Gumtree responses.  Just hit a new low.

 

"Giwmi yu nobar"

 

[xtriple]

Freezing bloody cold and it's blowing a gale and a half outside so I and two fat mutts are snuggled under a duvet eating a HUGE tub of Ben and Jerrys cookie dough ice cream.... Phoebe has an ice cream chin!

 

I must turn the heating on soon....

[wuvvum]

I think that's Welsh.

Well Google translate reckons "giwmi" is Indonesian for "game", but it gives up after that.

[PhillipM]

Well, welded up a few holes in the exhaust today ready for the MOT tommorow, also knocked out the lower engine mount and made a new one. Thought I was sorted.

Air Con pump spat its bearings on the road on the way home, followed by a rear trailing arm bush shitting itself over some speedbumps.

[steve_earwig]

Freezing bloody cold and it's blowing a gale and a half outside so I and two fat mutts are snuggled under a duvet eating a HUGE tub of Ben and Jerrys cookie dough ice cream.... Phoebe has an ice cream chin!

 

I must turn the heating on soon....

It's freezing cold and you're eating ice cream? I hope you nuked it first...

 

I hope you mean you're in your house and not in your... oh, no, can't be.

[steve_earwig]

Just a wee small smile: I needed to drill a 3mm hole in a 12mm shaft earlier, so I reached for my box of drill bits I have here and, of course, all the bits down that end are either missing or blunt as. 3mm drill bit? Check. Blunt as arseholes? Double-check. So, with nothing to loose, I got my angle grinder with a cutting disk in it and had a go at sharpening it. Now I've had some success with larger drill bits but at 3mm I can hardly see the thing, let alone where the flats are meant to be. Plus the chances of cooking it and destroying the temper are pretty much certain. But I gave it a go, what the hey? And would you bloody believe it if I said it went straight through the shaft? I R surprised!

[MrDuke]

Freezing bloody cold and it's blowing a gale and a half outside so I and two fat mutts are snuggled under a duvet eating a HUGE tub of Ben and Jerrys cookie dough ice cream.... Phoebe has an ice cream chin!

 

I must turn the heating on soon....

 

This little vignette becomes far more interesting if you drop the assumption that "mutts" refer to actual canines.

[cobblers]

 

No wonder everything turns up fucked

[dave21478]

^^^ Fired in 3.....2.....1....

 

Are people really so stupid that they think its a good idea to do shit like that in a liveried company vehicle?

[D Spares & Tyres]

Ah yes but a chap i know bought a van from a parts company ( frenco ) on the basis he would remove the signwriting.

 

He didn't and drove like like a twat everywhere, people were always ringing them to complain ☺

[fordperv]

What a plonker, i like to slide but I don't advertise while I do it

[fairkens]

I reckon that might have been his last day, has a whiff of demob happy about it.

 

No different to what I used to do as a pizza delivery driver complete with massive yellow phone on the roof and the phone number down the side, man I loved that job

 

Handbrake turns in cul de sacs at 1am FTW

[michael1703]

So.. I ran out of clean cutlery and decided to put the dishwasher on, had ran out of dishwasher tablets,so squirted rinse aid all over the plates and filled the container up and then squirted fairy liquid all over everything.

 

About an hour later I went to make a cup of tea and found the kitchen floor looked like an Ibiza dancefloor.

 

I'm going to go to bed and forget about it and hope it's resolved itself in the morning

[Pillock]

 

Tapatalk's targeted advertising has had a bit of a fail... Clearly they've picked up on the fact we buy cars here, but I don't think the machine learning is giving them the full story.

 

"Hello, is that 247carfinance? Yes, I'd like fifty quid over five years please to buy a Ford Ka"

[seth]

I'm lucky to come from a line of people who did interesting things. My great grandfather restored plasterwork in stately homes.  He had a brother who is a collected artist (still life, flowers mostly). My grandfather, who died when I was 12, did various things (painting also being one of them) but the one I have clear memories of was the mysterious goings on in the garage where he made castings for model trains.  I don't think he made the masters but there were dozens of two piece, round, hard rubber moulds and he'd pour in silvery molten liquid and then the moulds would get spun to force it into all the nooks and crannies.

 

Anyhow, today my mum came across some notes he must have made either to remind himself or perhaps to pass on the techniques and materials he'd developed to do this. Here's a taster.

 

 

There are further notes, altering the mix of the alloy for different sized/complexity of component.

 

I have fond memories of standing there in his little workshop that was at the back of the garage watching this process.  He may even have let me pour the metal on a couple of occasions or perhaps that is just my youthful wishful thinking to have got more involved than I was allowed.