Autoshite quote of the Year 2018

[vulgalour]

I also cleaned, ku-rusted and undersealed the top of the tank. Given the finish it looks like I used a dead hedgehog. I didn't it was alive.

[chodweaver]

So, I greased the Cowley yesterday which thankless task was fully rewarded with finding a split in the offside steering rack gaiter wider, blacker and greasier than Janet Pulborough's fanny at Tech college. 

 

 

 

 

(Opens Farcebook and searches 'Janet Pulborough')

[Guest Hooli]

I was at school with people from Pulborough, I seem to recall some fit posh lasses from there.

[chodweaver]

Lasses from Pulborough is all that a Farcebook search brings up.

 

 

 

(I iz disappoint.)

[mercrocker]

I changed her name to protect whatever dignity she may have regained!    Also I suspect she married at least five times since.....You could try a map of Sussex and see which other town it might have been.   Sadly, selfie-sticks had a completely different implication back then!

[Guest Hooli]

Storrington, Amberley, Petersfield or West Chiltington seem like the same area in my 20+year old memories of around there.

[adw1977]

"all the vim and enthusiasm of a decomposing flatworm"

 

Datsuncog describing some car salesmen in the "Ford Mondeo is at an end?" thread.

[wuvvum]

/\ I just came on here to post that.  Here's the quote in full:

 

Other than Toyota, every mass-market showroom I've ever entered has been staffed with utter titmaboobs who are either aggressively pushy yet clueless, or have all the vim and enthusiasm of a decomposing flatworm.

[wuvvum]

Parky's imagining of a telephone conversation between Putin and May discussing the Skripals is worthy of a mention here methinks.

 

 

“Konstantin, bung me the dog, gonna phone May up”

(Tap tap tap tap tap.....tap tap.....tap.....tap,tap, tap....tap...tap....tap tap....tap........brrrring, brrrring, click “Alright you looney! Whasaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap ha ha ha ha ha!)

“Maaaaaaay! Whasaaaaaaaaaaap hahahaha, ah, epic stuff. Epic bants and that. Anyway, listen yeah, I have a little issue I wanna chat about”

“Yeah shoot man, what can I do for ya!”

“Yeah, nice one. Anyway it’s like this. This bloke yeah, Sergei something is being a bit of a twat and I wanna take him out......no, not for a meal you muppet, I mean proper take him out as in make him less alive than he is now. Now the problem is he is living in your manor and that so just wanted to square it with you first. What’ll be good is it makes me look like the big man, and after you can go on telly and give it all the large about us being twats and that. I won’t mind, I know i’m a twat ha ha ha ha ha! Anyway, could be a little distraction from all that Europe shit going on, I know that’s a massive issue - you should see how many of my Kremlin staff and tweeting about it 24/7, I can’t even get a bloody coffee these days! I’m like “ oi, I am the president, I want coffee” and they’re all like “oh no Vlad, no way man, I haven’t retweeted anything from UKIP today or sent anything in capitals”. Bloody nightmare. Anyway, what do you reckon?”

“Yeah whatevs mate, don’t worry about it”

“Cheers yeah. By the way you at the G20 again this year?”

“After last time? Errr deffo, that was fucking brilliant!”

“Yeah I know! Macron could barely stand! Seeing him and Trudeau singing Kylie songs was just the business, I am definitely putting that on YouTube when I find my bloody mobile!”

“Ha ha ha, I reckon Trump took it to see if those videos were on there, probably doesn’t realise we’ve all got copies! Anyway mate....before you go, do the voice!”

“Oh alright...ahem.....buy your car insurance with Compare the Market - seeeemples! Now stop laughing, it’s not that funny. Shut up! No, it’s not....no.....it’s not as funny as seeing you dancing round your handbag with Merkel, now that WAS funny. Anyway, gotta go, sombre looking bloke in a big hat wants a word. Up the Arsenal! Ha ha ha ha ha, yeah, cheers, see ya”

[flat4alfa]

Anyway, I meanwhile developed a healthy dose of what only an English Breakfast can cure. So we pulled out at some so called service. What a contradiction in terms!

The Beefeater didn't serve breakfast and the McDonald's next to it didn't have an access, so we found ourselves back on the A34.

At the next services, they had another McDonald's, but it was closed for refurbishment. At the next services, they had a McDonald's that didn't serve coffee, because their fucking coffee machine was broken. I'm NOT making this shit up! They didn't have a machine available to them that heats fucking water! Lord please be with me, for crying out loud!

Consequently I was forced to go to the Costa next door and have a three quid cup full of their revolting feline diarrhea! Needless to say that an English Breakfast wasn't forthcoming. I shit on multiculturalism.

[egg]

Parky in the open section on conspiracy theories....

 

 

Bilderberg this year was discussing “K-Series - really that bad?”

 

Both Trump and May were slagging that engine right off on the Rover section of the Illuminati discussion forums on the dark web so weren’t invited. In fact Trump got a 24 hour ban for saying the Pinto was a superior unit. May is a “T” Series devotee and never liked the modular construction of the K.

 

How do I know this? Simple. I made it all up. However if I post this on an Internet forum, it is factual in about twenty minutes, and 24 hours later Breitbart are reporting how migrants working at the head gasket factory deliberately sabotaged the parts scheduled for delivery to Rover. Alex Jones is shouting the odds about how a Trump was right about the Pinto and Katie Hopkins is asking why terrorists in the UK don’t drive Metros. Is it because they hate the UK?

 

Tomorrow I might write something about Jacob Rees Mogg and how he was influenced by Ian Ogilvys School Bully character in the “Tomkinsons School Days” episode of Ripping Yarns.......

[PhilA]

Parky's imagining of a telephone conversation between Putin and May discussing the Skripals is worthy of a mention here methinks.

Took me about ten minutes after the fact to realise that you didn't mean James May.

[eddyramrod]

Our own personal scowling young harridan

Reverend Bluejeans, in the Northern Powerhouse thread

[Talbot]

I was at school with people from Pulborough,

Storrington, Amberley, Petersfield or West Chiltington

It's very odd seeing the names of all the small towns/villages that I drive through every day on a forum like this.

[beko1987]

Still laughing at this from Pillock in the what have you fixed thread in the ladies bar

 

Wan Keej Unk Crispy Fried Duck and Cargenogenic Plastics Concern Ltd

[Uncle Jimmy]

Rev Bluejeans said something along the lines of 'wouldn't have enough power to pull a greased stick from a dog's arse'.

[scruff]

Storrington, Amberley, Petersfield or West Chiltington seem like the same area in my 20+year old memories of around there.

 

Yes indeed, known a few Janets as well.

[Craig the Princess]

Tayne on the A2's cooling problems

 

I'm a greedy bastard and I'd normally order a pizza smaller than the puddle it left after a 17 mile drive.

[Datsuncog]

Genuine snort of amusement, from JimH's jaw-dropping Super Sentinal steam waggon thread:

 

Here's a thing. When researching the availability of panel beating tools don't type "leather faced slapper" into Google and expect anything useful back. Ho hum.

[Uncle Jimmy]

Genuine snort of amusement, from JimH's jaw-dropping Super Sentinal steam waggon thread:

Indeed; I was trying to buy some fine cane and looked for it on ebay, seems there's an awful lot of people with school teacher fetishes about.

[catsinthewelder]

 

 

Not only does this car look a bit like Viz's Satsuma Castanet XR4 Turbo...

 

 

https://www.ebay.co....x4~-:rk:27:pf:0

 

 

...but Magenta Tarragon Lightspeed is actually an anagram of 'Gents oral minge death trap' 

 

So there's no way I'd put my cock in it.

 

Billy Cavcraft (who else?) in the tat thread (where else?)

[Coprolalia]

It's very odd seeing the names of all the small towns/villages that I drive through every day on a forum like this.

Grew up in and around Midhurst, Petersfield, Petworth, Wisborough Green, Pulborough etc

 

There's quite a few A272/A27 shiters I think.

[somewhatfoolish]

That big white not-a-Morgan looks like it has an MX-5 stuck in the middle of it, which is what I assume it's based on.  It's not the worst thing of its type to look at, though that is perhaps a bit like saying it's not the smelliest turd you could have stepped in.

 

 

[clayts450]

twosmoke300 comparing owning a Saab diesel to non-alcoholic beverages

 

Like someone said to me about no alcohol lager . “ it tastes the same but it’s just not right , much like licking your sisters fanny “

[Datsuncog]

You see some dash lights out

20170225-04.jpg

 

So take the dashboard out

20170302-04.jpg

 

in

20170224-04.jpg

 

out

20170306-04.jpg

 

in

20170310-01.jpg

 

out

20170309-02.jpg

 

shake it all about

20180730-06.jpg

 

you do the OH FFS and you throw a tool, that's what it's all about.

20180119-06.jpg

 

 

OOOOH Princess dash electrics

20180729-11.jpg

 

OOOOH Princess dash electrics

20171125-04.jpg

 

OOOOH Princess dash electrics

20170618-02.jpg

 

We've fixed that now, the reverse light wont work.

 

Proper giggle/snort/roar with laughter at Vulg's contribution to the Ungrateful Cars thread - to the point that I frightened one of the cats.

 

Brilliant stuff.

[michael t]

This from Bramz7 in the Spotted thread after a picture of a mid-80s Metro was posted full of auld ones.......

 

 

 

I haven't seen a Metro loaded up with old biddies for what feels like years

[clayts450]

ohdearme in response to whether he had locking wheel nut with a collar round it on his Mondeo - unclear whether innuendo intended

 

 

I was in a rush this morning and only fingered it briefly before jumping in the SAAB and buggering off to work.

 

[Ohdearme]

ohdearme in response to whether he had locking wheel nut with a collar round it on his Mondeo - unclear whether innuendo intended

I slipped it in quietly hoping nobody would notice...

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

Kiltox's dedicated solicitor:

 

In a week or two I should have an LG 8kg washer going for buttons in Gloucester if you’re interested - moving to a new build with integrated.

Oohhh, let me know, could well be interested..

My CUNTING solicitor is delaying you from having the best washing machine experience I have ever known, I’m sorry.

Fuck me he works late

 

11:26pm can I sell my washing machine

 

11:39pm no

[oldcars]

This belter from Squire_Dawson

 

Posted Yesterday, 09:53 PM

I judge an area by the prevalence of flat-roof pubs. Shut or burnt down flat-roof pubs put me on high alert.