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[beko1987]

<1 year, poor sales.

 

I've only been here 2 weeks, and haven't finished my induction course. I have, however already pointed out several ways your training documentation is incorrect, and my manager is pleased with my input so far, mainly because I'm not a cocky bastard, and know my place at the bottom of the food chain.

 

Anything waterproof would be fine. SWMBO is up the duff too so maybe with nice seats? The ability to throw the back seats down would help too as I go round to my local tip at the weekend and get 20odd Hoovers at a time, one day they will be worth money (http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/291521482187?_trksid=p2060353.m1438.l2649&ssPageName=STRK%3AMEBIDX%3AIT)

[Alan_Green]

Great imagination. How many cars in '92 were <£5,995 (price of a Sandero now)?

[quicksilver]

Dear Mr Hirst,

I have given my life to serving this company for 12 long years, since I was still in short trousers in fact, yet you reward this loyalty by deeming my current performance poor. I can see only one solution: buy me an Audi and I will become an arrogant insufferable cock. I promise this will improve my performance vastly as my driving will become very fast and aggressive, thus saving valuable travelling time, and my customers will agree to huge deals simply to get rid of my smug face and irritatingly supercilious manner of speech.

Yours sincerely,

Q. Silver, Regional Sales Representative for Six Mile Bottom and other humorously-named places

 

P.S. You don't need to specify the optional indicators. I have no requirement for such unnecessary fripperies as letting other road users know where I'm going.

[Essex V6]

Dear Mr Hirst (or The Silver Fox as you are referred to in office circles).

 

I have been here for almost two years and my last sales report was excellent.

 

More importantly, I am the life and soul of the office and responsible for all those hilarious nicknames around here. I am also the self appointed Entertainment Convenor and organiser off all those work functions responsible for bringing staff "closer together" (if you catch my drift).

 

I have set my sights on a Cavalier Turbo (although I guess I would settle for a GSi).

 

Oh, and one final thing, I didn't really want to mention it but Woody from Ace Mouldings has been on the trombone asking if I fancy a new mouldings related gig

 

Slainte

Essex V6

[brownnova]

Sub 1 year service

Excellent sales

 

It's obvious I'm a high performing, highly motivated, exciting, innovative and valuable member of the team. Realistically I need something with a bit of style to go with my flashy suits and sales patter. Only me and the missus, so I can go 2 seater or 2+2...

 

So show the old stagers who've been here for ever with crap results that you reward your high performers - give me something good (Maybe Scirocco, MX5, Calibra I know I'm pushing it a bit) and secure the future of the company, because your rivals have been calling me. Give me something decent I'll keep ignoring their calls... Give me something French and I'll jump ship!!

[inconsistant]

Current Length of Employment

I: 3-4 Years

 

Current Sales Report

T : Very Poor

 

 

 

I'm getting a diesel Maestro, aren't I?

 

 

 

 

[J-Rod]

Current Length of Employment

J: 3-4 Years

 

Current Sales Report

D: Very good

 

"Dear Mr Fleet Manager

 

I know... and have the polaroids to prove it. You know what you need to do... "

[ShiteRider]

I know what this is all about, it's the christmas do '81 isn't it?

Well if your wife is going to dress like Cheryl Baker 'course i gonna think it's a tearaway skirt....

I was all lined up for one of them new triumph acclaims, next thing i get the allegro and you swan up in a datsun bloody laurel....wiv all the toys and yer secretary gets a bladdy stanza!

[Norbert]

5-7 Years' service

Very Poor

 

I've been dreading going in to the Fleet Manager as I have a nasty feeling he'll just laugh and throw a faux-vinyl pouch containing a bus pass across his office at me. However, if he is generous and gracious enough to grant me some form of company car, I've decided that, as I seem to be getting nowhere in this job, can't seem to convince the customers of anything and with this recession starting to bite can't see it lasting much longer anyway, my plan is:

 

- ask for something cheap, so I can afford to buy it and keep it when the redundancies inevitably come and I'm near the top of the list.

- ask for something small, so I can park near the job centre and also park near the college when I can't find a job and go back to school to train in that new fangled computer business. It needs to be cheap to run on a student's income too for that matter.

- not get ideas above my lowly station.

 

Mini City, please Sir? I know they reckon that a Metro with that new K-series engine is better and the engines are brilliant and that they'll last for ever, but I'll keep with the A-series as it's always better to stick with what you know. That's what I tell all my prospective customers anyway.

[babydriver]

B-1 year

R- poor

 

Citroen BX 1.6RE for me please. Red one.

[Felly Magic]

Just over a year's service with good sales (F & C). No Vauxhalls please or anything French. Ford Escort 1.4 LX 3 door? Please not fitted with the CVT badermatic though. My sales have been good the last quarter, so I at least deserve metallic paint, a set of mats and perhaps some nice alloy wheels? can I have a nice Motorola brick phones with the carry strap too please? I've been a very good boy, and Mr Scruttocks at Wibbley Plastics said he would promise to order another 25 Amstrad word processors for the office from us if I can deliver the new photocopier by next week

[Cavcraft]

1-2years, very poor.

 

I'd like a Mk3 Cavalier Mk3 1.4 carb, if possible.

[John F]

1-2years, very poor.

 

I'd like a Mk3 Cavalier Mk3 1.4 carb, if possible.

 

I didn't know they did several marks of the Mk 3 Cav, Billy

 

Top choice though. With windy windows too, I expect..

[J-Rod]

Someone (who has a better knowledge of what was on offer than I do, as I wasn't born then) should do one of these for the 70s. My dad loves to tell the tale of when he used to work for Texaco, he was given as a company car a Maxi 1800, with a hole in the rear passenger footwell (where someone had left a leaking battery). Not sure what he did to deserve that..  

[Richard]

Great imagination. How many cars in '92 were <£5,995 (price of a Sandero now)?

 

As I recall the run-out Renault 5 was £5555 (see what they did there?). I don't think there was much on offer for less than that.

[anonymous user]

19 years and close to being sacked.. I must be on the board or vice chairman. 

 

That or that incident in the stationary cupboard with the lad from stores has got out.....

 

 

Bentley or Daimler Double Six please.

It's ok Uncle Volksy, as long as you are married to one of Daddy's sisters there is a job for you here; you know where too many of the bodies are buried to let you go, especially as you helped bury some of them.

 

From what I hear about the incident, the cupboard wasn't stationary at all; I think it was the Tippex over your face afterwards that made people wonder what had been going on. Still it could have been worse, it's surprising how a week off and promotion to assistant stores manager can get a complaint dropped.

[oldford]

This is an excellent idea for a topic.

 

8 - 12 years service and very good sales for me.  Have you got any top of the range Cortinas knocking around?

[scaryoldcortina]

^ in 1992? That won't suit the company image!

 

Thanks for the Granada Mr Hirst, it's just what I needed. Not only does it show my customers how valued and important I am it fits in perfectly at the taxi rank on a saturday evening when I'm pursuing my hobbies. Good big boot too, with a low load step. Perfect!

[Grundig]

G + G

3-4 years

Good sales

 

 I'm an ambitious go-getter, obnoxious wanker type - I have perfected my tailgating technique to a fine art, so can I have an Audi coupe please? I dont need any indicators but want  a sunroof & Blaupunkt stereo  - see you around yeah, nice one 

[Felly Magic]

Any update on my superb new company chariot oh great overlord? I just got an order for 5,000 lengths of 6 ft guttering in brown from B&Q, so that should up my quota. Surely that will upgrade me to an Onion 1.6 GLX with catalyst? 

[JohnDeere]

This may sound a bit sad, but I have genuinely had a smile on my face all day, looking forward to picking up the virtual keys tonight. Nice new K-plate on the drive to get the neighbours jealous.

[warren t claim]

With excellent sales and long service to the firm I must be entitled to a decent car but as I don't want to be greedy. I'll just be happy with anything with aircon and cruise control as my sales area covers the North of England. Since we've been issued with these new laptops I feel a car with the extra security of a boot would be essential as my area covers the rough area of Wakefield. A four speaker stereo would be great so I can listen to not just my John Cleese motivational cassettes but the latest offering from Right Said Fred.

[406V6]

According to DA RULEZ  I've only been in the company for less than a year but my sales report is excellent. So I claim my prize of the same company car that I had back in 1992 - which was a Calibra.  All Voxalls are not sh@te - this one was pretty good*. But being cheeky I would like to ask for the 16V. I only had the 8V in 1992 and although it was fine on the motorway it wasn't so fast through the gears. I need to get to my next sales meeting 0.2 seconds more quickly and I can save the time by thrashing away from the lights in the 16V.

 

The version I'd really like wasn't available in 1992 - 2.5l V6 with autobox. Fantastic engine which I had in an SRi Vectra.

 

* It misbehaved once by throwing its power steering belt just as I was tackling an extremely sharp left junction. Fortunately there was no accident although it was a close run thing.

[RoadworkUK]

Dear Mr Hirst.

 

I've been with the company for between 8 and 12 years (I can't be more specific than that, too busy to keep count).

 

My sales figures are regarded as adequate.

 

I find myself without transportation. Is there anything Scandinavian and turbocharged I can take charge of, please?

 

Yours with the greatest of respect etc. etc.

[sawdustman]

13-19 Years,  Adequate, 1992

 

I see twosmoke300 got a Vauxhall Carlton. Wouldnt mind one myself.

I mean, I started the same week he did and I'm doing all the hard work while he's up front getting all the bloody credit. Also I hear Vauxhall have really got on top of their rustproofing issues thesedays.

By the way, any news on that Montego I was using what got stolen?

 

[Essex V6]

Heard heehaw about my company car - the plastic mouldings business ain't what it was, etc, etc.

[BavarianRetro]

Looks like my letter to the MD regarding Hirst's indiscretions may have borne fruit.

 

I'm expecting a call on my new Nokia Cityman 320 begging me to reconsider my resignation and offering me Hirst's job.

 

I don't know what to do. I had my child safety training yesterday. It was very interesting and I got got meet both Jimmy Saville AND Stuart Hall. You dont get that access to the great and good in moulded plastics.

 

Unfortunately, Cyril Bloody Smith was there too. I'm not political - I hate all politicians equally except that Edwina Curry. I'll bet she's a goer.

[chodweaver]

1-2 years, poor sales report

Originally I was going to ask for just one level of trim higher than the car policy states I am entitled to, and seeing as how you drive an E class Merc for being a director, looking like a reptile and doing eff all else, while I've been pulling 50 hour weeks since I started here, I didn't think that was unreasonable.

But now I've decided to reduce my expectations considerably and instead you can stick my company car up your arse.

(the first part of this was absolutely true for me in 1992. I wish the second part was true as well. I'd have a lot more self respect now if it were)

Apologies for the excess of words and offensive tone of this post to your excellent thread!

 

Sent from my GT-S5830i using Tapatalk 2

[vulgalour]

That's okay, I'm used to the slack pace of things around here.  Suits me just fine so whenever you feel up to it you just send out those messages. Sandy made sure to get some extra Alka Seltzers, Blue Nun and cheesy footballs in for meeting you'll inevitably have shortly after setting us all unrealistic targets for the next quarter.

[EssDeeWon]

Length of Service 1-2 years

Current Sales report - Very good

 

Something auto, and on the larger side please John.