Best shite analogies

[mat777]

This sprang to mind the other day whilst chatting about humorous car related phrases with a friend. 

Has anyone else ever run across an analogy so simple but so fitting and humorous that it just sticks with you? Either for describing cars or using cars to describe something else....

The first one that I always remember was a Clarkson column years ago where he was describing the generation of older women "with spectacles like a Triumph Herald"..... A totally ridiculous comparison but you can  immediately picture *exactly* the sort he's on about 😅 

Another, that I've taken to using a lot, was a comment on some calapst old BL malaise for sale as being "more rotten than the average Terry-Thomas character".... It just fits perfectly 😁

[sierraman]

Structural integrity of Weetabix. 

[morrisoxide]

Triumph Herald, spectacles & older woman.

That's got Thora Hird on the mind now thanks. 

[quicksilver]

One I still remember @vulgalour coining years ago: "Allegros squatting like a clump of bad potatoes".

Sounds silly but somehow perfectly fits the Allegro as it does look like an automotive potato.

[St.Jude]

Another Clarkson one (unfortunately). He was reviewing a BMW 3 Series (or 5 Series) and he points to the aerial and says "Look I'm a shark!". As it's one of those stubby things. Went to look at a Kia Sportage for the lady wife and it has one, and in front of the salesman I pointed and said "Look I'm a shark".

It's a lonely place to be when you're the only one to know the joke.

 

[St.Jude]

  On 17/01/2025 at 10:29, morrisoxide said:

Triumph Herald, spectacles & older woman.

That's got Thora Hird on the mind now thanks. 

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Live scenes in @morrisoxide's mind right now.

[grogee]

  On 17/01/2025 at 10:49, St.Jude said:

Live scenes in @morrisoxide's mind right now.

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Has she fallen? 

[St.Jude]

  On 17/01/2025 at 10:56, grogee said:

Has she fallen? 

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She's having a look for a cream cracker under his settee.

[wesacosa]

Can't remember which journalist it was but someone likened the driving position of the Honda S2000, with its non adjustable steering wheel,  to sitting on the bog reading a copy of The Sun

[ProgRocker]

In a group road test in the mid 1990s Top Gear magazine describing the Toyota Carina E as  beingthe perfect bank robber's car. None of the potential witnesses would be able to remember what it looked like.

[morrisoxide]

My Dad always calls Austin Somersets baby Elephant cars.

I think it was Finnegan that said a car handled like a Nun carrying a mattress. The best car I have driven that matches that description is a Mk1 Kia Carens that had been in a smash.

[St.Jude]

  On 17/01/2025 at 11:10, ProgRocker said:

In a group road test in the mid 1990s Top Gear magazine describing the Toyota Carina E as  beingthe perfect bank robber's car. None of the potential witnesses would be able to remember what it looked like.

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Would love to do a freedom of information request to see how many Carina E's were used in bank robberies during the 90's.

[MAF260]

On a road trip years ago one driver commented that following the lead driver who had poor navigation and driving skills was like ' watching a monkey trying to fuck a football'.

He also described the local delicacy of Andouille sausage served one night -  'it looked and smelled like the unwashed cock of a long-dead camel'.

[New POD]

Said in a project meeting about some new truck that failed some test for something, due to the fact that it was a shit design by the project manager.

As shit as a shit polished by rolling it in shit.  

[lesapandre]

Food analogies but I can't remember the vehicles:

Like driving a blamange.

Cold porridge - or grey porridge. 

[lesapandre]

  On 17/01/2025 at 12:42, MAF260 said:

On a road trip years ago one driver commented that following the lead driver who had poor navigation and driving skills was like ' watching a monkey trying to fuck a football'.

He also described the local delicacy of Andouille sausage served one night -  'it looked and smelled like the cock of a long-dead 

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Andouillette can be very challenging to eat - it's a peasant French coarse-grained sausage made of the chopped intestines of a pig,  with some pepper,  wine,  onions and seasonings.

Best eaten with strong mustard. 

Absolutely revolting but at the same time strangly addictive. Remains very popular in rural France.

Try it once - but remember to have the mustard on hand to mask the taste 😋

[Spiny Norman]

Said about the VW TDi engine but applies to most 4 pot tractors: Like a skeleton wanking in a filing cabinet.

[MrBiscuits]

My old driving instructor (an ex copper) used to describe his Diesel Fiesta being "as slow as a week on remand" he was not wrong either, my NSL Dual carriageway practice was memorable for running out of road before we could get to 70mph

[Spiny Norman]

  On 17/01/2025 at 12:04, St.Jude said:

Would love to do a freedom of information request to see how many Carina E's were used in bank robberies during the 90's.

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None. Because no-one would remember them.

"Yes officer it sat in front of us for 5 minutes before the robbers got into it and it took off at speed. Driving like a lunatic he was... It was red, no wait... it was blue. Might have been a Renault, or a Volvo? Had a 6 in the registration plate, or maybe it was a G."

[Split_Pin]

  On 17/01/2025 at 14:30, MrBiscuits said:

as slow as a week on remand

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I described my Cavalier TD as slow as a week in Edinburgh once. The timing was out by one tooth.

[lisbon_road]

Work K reg diesel Escort in white was always referred to as 'the fridge' due to it being so plain, austere and slow.

 

Had a yellow Volvo 340. Was decidedly edgy. Needed some bits for a friend who had a similar one.

We went to a specialist. As we pulled up, he came out and looked sadly at my car.

He shook his head and calmly said 'them yella ones were never any good'.

Possibly you had to be there.