Tropes you see on the road

[sierraman]

Can’t think of a name for him but he’s mid 30’s, drives a Vauxhall Mokka fully electric in some garish colour. Needless to say it’s on a lease, he doesn’t own a single thing, he is Klarna’d up to the hilt. Drives flat out everywhere using the rip roaring acceleration and erratic cornering.

Lives in a shared ownership New Build, fake grass on the front and back the rest paved with porcelain tiles, nothing living in the garden apart from some plastic fake Ivy on the wall. House has no carpets in it, LVT throughout. Works in HR, unsure what he actually does apart from attend Teams meetings all day, seems to be present doing Teams and e-mailing but not actually doing anything for about 70 hours a week, 30 of them unpaid. Seems to have a bottle of water constantly which he drinks 16 litres of a day, noisily. Uses hand sanitiser every 30 minutes. Has a protein shake and really lame looking salad, doesn’t eat meat because if it’s impact on global emissions.

Doesn’t smoke, has 3 cans of Carling in the fridge left over from having some friends round he barely knows at the summer. Incapable of holding a conversation in person, digital everything. Does everything he can to live a very healthy lifestyle bar the fact he’s already dead from the neck up anyway. 

[Metal Guru]

1 hour ago, sierraman said:

Can’t think of a name for him but he’s mid 30’s, drives a Vauxhall Mokka fully electric in some garish colour. Needless to say it’s on a lease, he doesn’t own a single thing, he is Klarna’d up to the hilt. Drives flat out everywhere using the rip roaring acceleration and erratic cornering.

Lives in a shared ownership New Build, fake grass on the front and back the rest paved with porcelain tiles, nothing living in the garden apart from some plastic fake Ivy on the wall. House has no carpets in it, LVT throughout. Works in HR, unsure what he actually does apart from attend Teams meetings all day, seems to be present doing Teams and e-mailing but not actually doing anything for about 70 hours a week, 30 of them unpaid. Seems to have a bottle of water constantly which he drinks 16 litres of a day, noisily. Uses hand sanitiser every 30 minutes. Has a protein shake and really lame looking salad, doesn’t eat meat because if it’s impact on global emissions.

Doesn’t smoke, has 3 cans of Carling in the fridge left over from having some friends round he barely knows at the summer. Incapable of holding a conversation in person, digital everything. Does everything he can to live a very healthy lifestyle bar the fact he’s already dead from the neck up anyway. 

I think he’d be Marc ( probably christened Mark), or possibly Zander or Piers. 

[dozeydustman]

Pat. Pat is in her 60s and has cropped hair. Perennial look of angriness on her face because she looks like Onslow. Wears a 9ct gold cross on a chain from H. Samuel or Argos, a sovereign ring and velour tracksuits. She’s a proper fag-ash Lil as well. Bullies her husband.

Drives a Nissan of some description, quite elderly so a late Sunny or early Almera which is in surprisingly good condition with very few dings and no rust. Has always owned Nissans and Datsuns. Has two speeds on the road - slow and smooth or 5-6mph over the road’s speed limit and erratic. Indecisive at mini roundabouts when all approaches have cars on them, and the pulls out in front of the car approaching from the right after 2 minutes of 3 or 4-way Mexican stand-off. Swears at other motorists while she has a fag hanging out her gob.

Not to be confused with Patricia. Patricia dithers about what tea is in the tea caddy for when guests come over, Pat only has Tetley, like it or lump it.

[Lord Sterling]

Elsie and Arthur the Potter...

Elsie and Arthur are a couple in thier mid 70s. They look like the perennial middle class couple in matching beige coats and a look of constant concentration and confusion having given up on the modern world many years ago. Whilst they look middle class, they certainly don't sound middle class with their deep seated accents.

Invariably they are often seen together pottering into town or the garden centre, they'll be driving the modern old peoples choice of some absolutely modern which is either a Kia softroader or a Hyundai i20/i30.

Arthur has never been a good driver, he always secretly found driving a chore, but did it simply to keep his family happy. Now retired, not a lot has changed, Elsie now sees him as her personal driver. 

Having retired years ago have completely slowed down in life. 'Greige' is their preferred choice of clothing colours, and pottering into town/garden centre/coffee morning (which Arthur has to attend seeing as Elsie doesn't drive and won't use that public transport) at 21 MPH is their way of doing things. Nothing changes, Arthur still drives looking straight ahead never using his mirrors or looking around and Elsie always looks slightly uncomfortable sitting in the passenger seat clutching her handbag. Never has 'Keeping Up Appearances' come so much to life.

[Lord Sterling]

Had to get the above off my chest having noticed the increasing amounts of slow driving Kias and usually white Hyundai i20/i30s usually driven, very slowly by the retired Beige jacket and white hair brigade.

[Metal Guru]

1 hour ago, MrGTI6 said:

Archie is in his early 20s. He has lived in a deprived rural area all his life. Always a bit of an outcast, his interests include guns, American politics, and droning on about cryptocurrencies. Claims he's a farmer because he keeps chickens in his parents' garden. Always wears wellies, jeans, a body-warmer, and a flat cap.

Drives a Land Rover Discovery 1 which has been crudely converted into a pickup. It has a straight-through exhaust and has been hand-painted matte black. It's covered in dozens of blinding LEDs.

If there's been flooding or snowfall, Archie takes the opportunity to demonstrate his vehicle's superiority to other road users by driving like a tit. Due to the dodgy modifications and the driver's overconfidence, the Disco will usually end up wheel-spinning nowhere in a ditch or hydro-locked in a shallow puddle.

Sounds a bit like a distant relative only he’s now in his 30s and thanks to an inheritance drives an Audi Q5 rather than an old Landie.

[quicksilver]

The sentimental giffer. An elderly gent who was lucky enough to buy a big house with a big garden early in his adult life (probably with his parents' help) and has lived there ever since. He could drive any type of car, usually something totally bland and forgettable that he is unusually fond of, but his house is easily recognisable because he has never sold a single car and every one he ever owned was laid up in the back garden when it broke.

His garden is like a timeline of his entire motoring history, with fairly modern cars that have only been off the road a year or two at the front, slightly older ones behind them, and so on stretching all the way back to the remains of pre-war cars with trees growing through them. He can tell stories about every single one and has a deep sentimental attachment to them, and will never sell anything because he's "going to do them up one day" despite a) most of them being beyond repair, b) his total lack of mechanical knowledge, c) his frailty and d) being far too old to have enough life left to complete that task. When you see him in a different car, you just know the previous one has broken and been condemned to join all the others in the garden of doom for all eternity.

[dozeydustman]

The farm labourer.

Casual worker, seen on a pushbike on the road in the small hours without any lighting save the glow from the end of a cheap, foul smelling imported cigarette. Having spent a hard day picking fruit or loading bales on a trailer will be seen riding to Lidl where he buys some bread rolls, cooked meat, slices of cheese, a tomato, jar of gherkins and 8 cans of strong lager.

Gets bag on his bike, shopping in a carrier bag hanging off the left handle bar and rides back to his digs or the farm with an open can of aforementioned lager and a fag on the go. At night.

[rusty_vw_man]

The ‘dubber’….. 

Middle aged to older middle aged chap, on the larger side, tattoos, beard and dressed in surf wear from those big brands of the 90s (Animal, Billabong etc etc) often has a big dog called things like Tyrone or Butch.

Has a VW T4 or T5 which he has ‘built’ (NOT BOUGHT) with sticker to prove it. Has taken standard van, added some windows, a generic camping interior and questionable outside improvements, including swamper wheels (or mahoosive alloys) led light clusters, blinding chrome VW logos, and stickers, so many stickers. 

Spends every weekend at VW shows, on VW cruises or at VW meet ups. Waves obsessively at others in any sort of VW. Approaches other VW owners just trying to live their life or do their weekly shop with talk about the last show, of future plans for the van.

Believes this badly finished builders van has allowed him to join the super clique world of VWs, apparently oblivious to:

- it’s become his whole personality, life and identity.

- the ‘proper scene’ views anything built after 1980 as an abomination

- the fun loving, slightly hippy VW owners scene died some years ago

- for the money invested he could spend each weekend he is away in a 4 star hotel in comfort….. 

If anyone is offended by this, don’t worry, I don’t have a dog, but the rest is reasonably close! 

[motorpunk]

“Built not bought” is an anagram of “stuck on tat”. Well, it might be.

[Metal Guru]

15 hours ago, rusty_vw_man said:

The ‘dubber’….. 

Middle aged to older middle aged chap, on the larger side, tattoos, beard and dressed in surf wear from those big brands of the 90s (Animal, Billabong etc etc) often has a big dog called things like Tyrone or Butch.

Has a VW T4 or T5 which he has ‘built’ (NOT BOUGHT) with sticker to prove it. Has taken standard van, added some windows, a generic camping interior and questionable outside improvements, including swamper wheels (or mahoosive alloys) led light clusters, blinding chrome VW logos, and stickers, so many stickers. 

Spends every weekend at VW shows, on VW cruises or at VW meet ups. Waves obsessively at others in any sort of VW. Approaches other VW owners just trying to live their life or do their weekly shop with talk about the last show, of future plans for the van.

Believes this badly finished builders van has allowed him to join the super clique world of VWs, apparently oblivious to:

- it’s become his whole personality, life and identity.

- the ‘proper scene’ views anything built after 1980 as an abomination

- the fun loving, slightly hippy VW owners scene died some years ago

- for the money invested he could spend each weekend he is away in a 4 star hotel in comfort….. 

If anyone is offended by this, don’t worry, I don’t have a dog, but the rest is reasonably close! 

Sounds a bit like my son although he not yet 30, avoids VW shows and has done a reasonably good job converting his van for the price of a new Corsa, which annoys his aunt and uncle who are more into the VW scene and spent about twice as much on a finished van that’s not ULEZ compliant. 
 

[Lord Sterling]

Stanislav "the squatting slav" "Nico" Bellic

Stanislav is an average looking skinny lad from a poor village in some unspecified eastern European country.

What he does as a job is also unspecified although he is suspected of being some sort of low level drug courier. 

From what small beer money he makes, he makes it stretch far. He lives frugally in a one bedroomed house-share with ither unspecified Eastern-Europeans. He dresses head to toe in Adidas or fake knock-off Gucci tracksuits, sports a very short buzzcut and invariably will drive a blacked-out first-gen BMW X5 3.0d, because of course, if you're gonna be showy, you gotta do it cheaply.

Everything on his X5 is blacked out, windows, front and rear lights and alloys. He is, of course, trying to achieve that eastern-european "gangsta" look. The inside is a mess, fag ash and a billion butt-ends sticking out if the ashtray. 

Likely, he'll have insurance, the MoT will be a fast-dial number and £75 under the table. 

[goosey]

1 hour ago, Lord Sterling said:

Stanislav "the squatting slav" "Nico" Bellic

Stanislav is an average looking skinny lad from a poor village in some unspecified eastern European country.

What he does as a job is also unspecified although he is suspected of being some sort of low level drug courier. 

From what small beer money he makes, he makes it stretch far. He lives frugally in a one bedroomed house-share with ither unspecified Eastern-Europeans. He dresses head to toe in Adidas or fake knock-off Gucci tracksuits, sports a very short buzzcut and invariably will drive a blacked-out first-gen BMW X5 3.0d, because of course, if you're gonna be showy, you gotta do it cheaply.

Everything on his X5 is blacked out, windows, front and rear lights and alloys. He is, of course, trying to achieve that eastern-european "gangsta" look. The inside is a mess, fag ash and a billion butt-ends sticking out if the ashtray. 

Likely, he'll have insurance, the MoT will be a fast-dial number and £75 under the table. 

The rear wheels will be negative cambered out to fk due to worn bushes 

[MantaGTE85]

Indeed, I see them everywhere like that. Totally-fucked upper suspension control arms are also known to give end-of-life '00s BMWs that Commer FC look.

[Dobloseven]

Gunner Dooey-Tupp

No,not a rank achieved in an army career.Rather the phrase he utters when asked about the slowly deteriorating hulk in his front garden.It used to belong to a relative, apparently.He's watched lots of You Tube videos and Bangers and Cash and is convinced it's "wurf a lot of money" and "just needs".In it's early days it was covered by an ill fitting car cover,but years of changing seasons put paid to that when the neighbours complained about it flapping in the wind,setting their security light off.Mind,their cat hadn't helped!He did rub a couple of rust spots down a few years ago,but seemed like hard work and he didn't bother to paint them,making matters worse.One day there's a car shaped space complete with an oily patch where it once stood.His wife tells us she got sick of looking at it and got the scrap man to take it.

[quicksilver]

The Amazon subcontractor's lorry. Amazon trailer loaded to the brim with parcels, being pulled by a scruffy and fairly elderly basic fleet spec tractor unit, usually anonymous and sometimes with the remains of the previous operator's name still visible. Always filthy and has at least one odd-coloured panel that has been replaced as a result of various shunts and scrapes while manoeuvring around cramped distribution centres. The antithesis of the shiny show truck and drivers of the latter look down on them as mere steering wheel attendants with no pride in the job. The operating company usually doesn't last very long before having its licence taken away for maintenance issues, but the owner will soon be back in business under a new name.

[New POD]

Paul. He owns a porche. Its very smart. 5 door hatch back. You know everything in his life is perfectly polished.  Paul has a junior management position in a design office in Lancashire. Hes almost 50, or could be older, because hes been at the company since he was 16. His wife works, so they can afford a nice house on a new build.  It was cheap because its Lancashire. 

He can afford the porsche because he lives for today.  He puts the bear minium into savings and pension, has credit cards maxed out, and paid for tye Porsche by a combination of borrowing money off his mother in advance of her inheritance and a second mortgage  because he felt inadequate when he moved into the new build, and needed to out car his neghbours. Its not documented how much she loaned him, and he will deny it, when the time comes, and his brother tries to make a stand.  He drives the porche to work 3 miles. Everyday. Thats it. Its never got warmed up.  He drives it slowly and carefully, because theres a 20 mph speed limit for 2 of the 3 miles. And a 30 mph speed limit for 1 of them. He could walk or cycle to work instead of diverting to the gym every night, to do a 1 hour warm up. And a 2 hour session on the weights. Despite finishing work at 3:30 pm he gets home about 7 pm, which means his wife has sorted out tea, and dealt with any teenage issues before he gets home. He goes to work at 6:45. Thus avoiding the whole family.  On Saturday his plan is to polish the Porsche. Again. On Sunday his mother will come for dinner (lunch) and be impressed by the downstairs loo.  She will agree to come on holiday with them to Greece, not realising that shes paying for 1/2 of the package for 5 people, becsuse Paul showed her the price in the brochure, but he's found almost the same deal on the Internet for 1/3 of the price.  Paul will drive her home in the porsche, so he can avoid the washing up. Paul doesn't realise that his wife is planning on divorcing him and taking the Porsche.  Shes seen a solicitor, and has saved 1/3 of her salary in an escape fund.  Just as soon as the youngest starts his apprenticeship at the firm like his Dad, she'll be off.  She's will sell the private reg and px the Porsche for a new mx5. The v5 is in her name for insurance reasons so she'll gave no problems flogging it. Her parents moved to Ludlow a few years back and that's almost as cheap as Clitheroe, so she'll move near them. Paul can fuck right off. As can the kids who she despises. 

[sierraman]

10 hours ago, quicksilver said:

The Amazon subcontractor's lorry. Amazon trailer loaded to the brim with parcels, being pulled by a scruffy and fairly elderly basic fleet spec tractor unit, usually anonymous and sometimes with the remains of the previous operator's name still visible. Always filthy and has at least one odd-coloured panel that has been replaced as a result of various shunts and scrapes while manoeuvring around cramped distribution centres. The antithesis of the shiny show truck and drivers of the latter look down on them as mere steering wheel attendants with no pride in the job. The operating company usually doesn't last very long before having its licence taken away for maintenance issues, but the owner will soon be back in business under a new name.

The opposite. Mr Scania V8, has all the usual shit stuck to it like the horns, the chrome bits, the lights lit up in the cab and a metallic red paint job with the mural of a hooker with a bumbag on high fiving the Tasmanian Devil. Rarely actually does any proper work apart from moving a few tractors about and as a parade float. Loves the idea of trucking, born into a trucking family that were actually grafters but they’ve wound up now due to old age and being unable to compete. They’ve kept the yard on and the lad is just basically an indulgence, he’d have been too thick to run the business. Eventually they’ll have to flog the yard for care costs and laddo will get a sudden introduction to the reality that you can’t use take use the Scania for trunk work. 

[goosey]

21 hours ago, quicksilver said:

The Amazon subcontractor's lorry. Amazon trailer loaded to the brim with parcels, being pulled by a scruffy and fairly elderly basic fleet spec tractor unit, usually anonymous and sometimes with the remains of the previous operator's name still visible. Always filthy and has at least one odd-coloured panel that has been replaced as a result of various shunts and scrapes while manoeuvring around cramped distribution centres. The antithesis of the shiny show truck and drivers of the latter look down on them as mere steering wheel attendants with no pride in the job. The operating company usually doesn't last very long before having its licence taken away for maintenance issues, but the owner will soon be back in business under a new name.

Usually being driven by an utterly miserable bloke in a maaaassssive high viz winter coat (that they never take off) with the drivers seat at it’s highest setting and the steering wheel horizontal as they can’t figure out how to adjust them 

[chodweaver]

On 11/11/2025 at 16:49, Dobloseven said:

Gunner Dooey-Tupp

No,not a rank achieved in an army career.Rather the phrase he utters when asked about the slowly deteriorating hulk in his front garden.It used to belong to a relative, apparently.He's watched lots of You Tube videos and Bangers and Cash and is convinced it's "wurf a lot of money" and "just needs".In it's early days it was covered by an ill fitting car cover,but years of changing seasons put paid to that when the neighbours complained about it flapping in the wind,setting their security light off.Mind,their cat hadn't helped!He did rub a couple of rust spots down a few years ago,but seemed like hard work and he didn't bother to paint them,making matters worse.One day there's a car shaped space complete with an oily patch where it once stood.His wife tells us she got sick of looking at it and got the scrap man to take it.

Gunner is quite upset about the loss of the dooer-upper. He feels like a little part of him has died

[Lord Sterling]

* This is one that isn't that common yet, but very likely to seen on our roads very soon. 

Olivia-Chelsea, the 'Temu' Jaecoo.

Olivia-Chelsea, who is generally in her late 20s to her early 40s is one of those pretend 'busy' women who has a fake smile, a fake semi-posh accent, always takes the same kind of selfies from above and juts out her cleavage in said pictures (as well as adding a fake filter on the pics). She doesn't own a house and buys everything on finance. Her job is either as a social-media "influencer" or working within some unspecified managerial office role.

She thinks she looks wealthy, but all of her stuff is generally 'Temu/Ali Baba' bought, they usually get thrown out after 2 years as she tries to keep up with the latest trends.

Her vehicle aspirations were of a Range Rover/Land Rover Discovery or even an Evoque, because nothing shows how successful (read: desperate for attention) she really is than owing one of those. But Olivia-Chelsea could never justify the financial options.

She needs (wants) a "statement" car and her social media accounts have led to seeing other people like her raving on about this new Chinese car called Jaecoo. So, she goes to place that "sells" them and is immediately sold on the modern looks and features, she signs yet another finance agreement which will see her cash poor.

What she doesn't realise (and, doesn't really care about) is parts availability, running costs and poor crash safety protection, plus the general fit and finish of everything. So long as its shiny, new and big, she cares about little else.

When she takes it out, most people will either be indifferent or confused. To many, it looks like some random new electric car, to others, they are quietly guffawing under their breath knowing how poor this vehicle really is having literally just scratched the surface of research.

[Pieman]

/\ Although I'd heard the name I don't think I'd ever actually seen one of those.  Yet another vehicle that was "designed" by someone hacking at a block of concrete with a blunt chisel.

[Lord Sterling]

20 hours ago, Pieman said:

/\ Although I'd heard the name I don't think I'd ever actually seen one of those.  Yet another vehicle that was "designed" by someone hacking at a block of concrete with a blunt chisel.

Yeah, edited to add the fact that whilst its not a common trope seen on the road, it is very likely to be one given the amount of cheap Chinese tat we get here in the UK.

[quicksilver]

Mr How-Dare-You-Slow-Me-Down.

He can be identified by his behaviour when someone makes a misjudgement and pulls out onto a roundabout he is already on. It isn't dangerously close and he could easily avoid it just by slowing down a bit because frankly he's driving too fast anyway. Does he do that though? No, this jerk's preferred response is to accelerate towards it and blast his horn, which achieves nothing other than raising his already high stress levels. He even pulls this trick when it's a truck or tractor and he's certain to come off worse if he collides with it.

[quicksilver]

On 10/11/2025 at 08:26, Lord Sterling said:

Stanislav "the squatting slav" "Nico" Bellic

Stanislav is an average looking skinny lad from a poor village in some unspecified eastern European country.

What he does as a job is also unspecified although he is suspected of being some sort of low level drug courier. 

From what small beer money he makes, he makes it stretch far. He lives frugally in a one bedroomed house-share with ither unspecified Eastern-Europeans. He dresses head to toe in Adidas or fake knock-off Gucci tracksuits, sports a very short buzzcut and invariably will drive a blacked-out first-gen BMW X5 3.0d, because of course, if you're gonna be showy, you gotta do it cheaply.

Everything on his X5 is blacked out, windows, front and rear lights and alloys. He is, of course, trying to achieve that eastern-european "gangsta" look. The inside is a mess, fag ash and a billion butt-ends sticking out if the ashtray. 

Likely, he'll have insurance, the MoT will be a fast-dial number and £75 under the table. 

Even though it's RHD, he bought it in the UK and it has never been there, Stanislav's car will be on eastern European plates. It's registered to his family's address back home to avoid all those pesky expensive things like MOT, tax and speeding fines. 

[Metal Guru]

Mr I can’t judge the speed and proximity of other vehicles.

He can be identified by his behaviour when joining roundabouts ignoring approaching vehicles already on the roundabout.

It isn’t dangerously close due to the alertness of the other driver , but could have been easily avoided by a bit of patience and better observation. Does he do that though? No this jerk’s preferred response is to pull out regardless assuming any horn must be aimed at someone else. 
He drives off in his own little world oblivious to any inconvenience or stress he’s caused to anyone else.

[PhilA]

Janice "Jeep". 

Janice is in her late thirties, and works in the healthcare profession, somewhere in the home health sector but as a supervisor. Spends the day creating Excel sheets and browsing Instagram. Her job title earns enough to finance a Wrangler Sport (2WD, road wheels, road suspension) in a fetching Gunmetal color. She bought it because her friend Candice owns one, swears it's the best vehicle since the invention of the car, and does all the YOLO JEEP things, off road package, stickers, fancy Temu grille, Three Wolf Moon spare tire cover and Monster Energy vinyl "claw marks". Janice has started her customization, which has included a collection of 4 rubber duckies, a few McDonald's toys and a teddy bear stick on the dash in the front window. Her boyfriend Grant spent six months in the army so she's chosen to honor this fact with a black and gray stars and stripes spare wheel cover, stars and stripes plastic stick on rear light covers which obscure 60% of the light output.

She picks up her phone to look at it when there's nothing else to do (waiting at traffic lights, waiting at the Starbucks drive through) and only puts it down when she's moving, usually after a wake-up bump over the curb or a honk of the horn from the car behind who's been looking at the green light for ten seconds already. Janice secretly is growing to hate the utilitarian nature of the Jeep but has poured her spare money into it, including a set of eBay LED headlights which Grant fitted because he was a diesel mechanic in the army and "knows cars". These lights have the same alignment set as when they left the factory in Qingpao, not that it matters because they have zero beam pattern and only work on high beam. 

Janice just follows traffic and generally doesn't get in the way. In five years when the price of a new set of General Grabbers that Candice suggested is too much, trades the Jeep in for a Kia Sportage. The dealership spends two days removing the tat before sending the vehicle to auction. 

[Pieman]

31 minutes ago, PhilA said:

Janice "Jeep". 

Janice is in her late thirties, and works in the healthcare profession, somewhere in the home health sector but as a supervisor. Spends the day creating Excel sheets and browsing Instagram. Her job title earns enough to finance a Wrangler Sport (2WD, road wheels, road suspension) in a fetching Gunmetal color. She bought it because her friend Candice owns one, swears it's the best vehicle since the invention of the car, and does all the YOLO JEEP things, off road package, stickers, fancy Temu grille, Three Wolf Moon spare tire cover and Monster Energy vinyl "claw marks". Janice has started her customization, which has included a collection of 4 rubber duckies, a few McDonald's toys and a teddy bear stick on the dash in the front window. Her boyfriend Grant spent six months in the army so she's chosen to honor this fact with a black and gray stars and stripes spare wheel cover, stars and stripes plastic stick on rear light covers which obscure 60% of the light output.

She picks up her phone to look at it when there's nothing else to do (waiting at traffic lights, waiting at the Starbucks drive through) and only puts it down when she's moving, usually after a wake-up bump over the curb or a honk of the horn from the car behind who's been looking at the green light for ten seconds already. Janice secretly is growing to hate the utilitarian nature of the Jeep but has poured her spare money into it, including a set of eBay LED headlights which Grant fitted because he was a diesel mechanic in the army and "knows cars". These lights have the same alignment set as when they left the factory in Qingpao, not that it matters because they have zero beam pattern and only work on high beam. 

Janice just follows traffic and generally doesn't get in the way. In five years when the price of a new set of General Grabbers that Candice suggested is too much, trades the Jeep in for a Kia Sportage. The dealership spends two days removing the tat before sending the vehicle to auction. 

Janice has an English cousin, who does exactly the same with a Chrysler PT Loser Cruiser but with more stick-on chrome.

[martc]

On 21/11/2025 at 20:12, Lord Sterling said:

 

 Jaecoo.....

What she doesn't realise ..... poor crash safety protection....

ahem

[dozeydustman]

Diehard Ford owner. Never seem in the UK to get die-hard fans of Vauxhall, Peugeot, Rootes, BL etc that go to the same extremes as followers this particular marque. Thankfully they seem to be dying out.

Learned to drive in a Ford, has only ever had Fords, wants his funeral procession to be a Ford hearse with Ford cars in the cortège.

His dad owned a Ford, his dad’s dad owned a Ford. Uncle Jim also drove a D-Series 28-tonner (ironically with a Cummins engine) delivering building materials, and he won’t acknowledge the Ford Cargo lorry range as a real Ford as Iveco made them from 1986.

He won’t speak to uncle Bob as in 1974 he replaced a Cortina 1600E with a Vauxhall Magnum. Even though he replaced it with a Cortina 2.0 GL in 1980, by 1983 there were car brochures from Vauxhall, Austin-Rover and the most unholy make of them all, Talbot, alongside a booklet showing the new Orion.

DieHard will own any car as long as it has a blue oval on the front. Any other marque is inferior. House is full of photos and models of various Dagenham dustbins and Cologne-built rammel, plus the occasional Michigan model. Any Ford is more powerful, does more MPGs and has better roadholding than any of its rivals. And that’s a fact.

Ensures his kids will only own Fords by helping them choose their first car by only driving them to see Fords they have picked out. This is despite all the Escorts, Orions, Cortinas, Sierras and Granada he’s owned in the past having multiple issues from poor maintenance (oil burning, rattling camshaft), or rotting out within 5 years of being made, he swears by them, because his dad did, and his dad’s dad did. Uncle Bob can sod off, he defected with that Magnum when DieHard was 6 years old. Disowned his son when his work gave him a Peugeot Boxer as a company van as Ford didn’t tender a bid for the fleet.

Now approaching 60, he’s just treated himself to the latest Kuga in top spec. DieHard dreams of owning a Capri 3.0 or a Sierra Cosworth.

Just like steadfast Elvis fans being absolutely horrified when someone doesn’t like ‘The King’, any critique against the marque will be received in the same manner as entering his home with a dog chod on the sole of your shoe.