Tropes you see on the road

[Lord Sterling]

Pam 'Peugeot'

Pam is invariably the wife or partner of Jim Jaguar.

Pam is a retired school teacher, she's been retired for some years now and her life now really consists of coffee mornings, a run to the garden centre and occasionally looking after her daughters kids. 

Pam drives a Peugeot 2008 or 3008 depending on which one she likes and chooses. She likes it because it looks modern and shiny. In her mind, it shows that she has worked hard in her life and can now buy new and shiny things. 

Pam generally leaves a reluctant Jim to sort out all of 'that' car stuff, owing to the generation she came from, she believes it's a man's job and she has a morbid fear of being ripped off just for being a woman.

Unfortunately, Pam has little road sense, and even less awareness of others around her. She has boasted about how she's never had a crash in the "xx" amount of years she's been driving but is blissfully unaware of the chaos and confusion she leaves behind as she cuts up into lanes, wanders out into junctions without looking causing others to break and probably smash into street furniture. She is the reason the "SHITTING PEUGEOT" meme is still going around.

[Pieman]

Dude, get in touch with Motorpunk's publisher and get these into a book, seriously.  Are they all based on people you know in life?

[Lord Sterling]

36 minutes ago, Pieman said:

Dude, get in touch with Motorpunk's publisher and get these into a book, seriously.  Are they all based on people you know in life?

Thank you. Some are people I know, some are just people I've seen/noticed on the roads or have met briefly in person.

To give you a bit of an insight; I'm actually quite the introvert, I find people on one hand very annoying but on the other hand, extremely fascinating.

I am a bit of 'people observist'. I watch peoples behaviour and how they come across, how they treat others and how they handle different aspects of life. I find it quite fascinating. Its not an obvious thing, people don't ont know I do this and only know if I do an accent or an impression of someone. 

As I said, I find peoples behaviour and the way they go about life and handling given situations absolutely fascinating and leaves a lot more questions than it answers.

I find a lot of people these days very 'robotised' they do without thinking about whats around them and how it might affect others, this could be anything from driving on the roads, to silly rules at work to publicly announcing ones opinions on others (often without research and much with feeling).

I might have a chat with @motorpunk, it woukd be nkce to have a Don Grant Bumper book of cartoon cars-like book out, but I reckon there is a lot more ground to cover before a book can be made. I fear it might not be easy as simply sending in some screenshot of what I've written. 

[Lord Sterling]

e-type Eddie

Eddie looks like a modern version of Steptoe, small, skinny, scowling, often wearing mismatched clothing, yet he has an absolute abundance of money. 

Eddie owns a landscaping business, hence the bedraggled look, but has saved up and can now afford all of the things he wants.

Eddie has bought a 1960s executive house with a massive driveway and double-sized garage on a nice quiet estate, the type usually reserved  for the pretend upper class blue-rinse brigade and their long suffering husbands.

Eddie has decided to indulge in his passion for sports cars, he has bought a rare 1967 Jaguar e-type in re-sale e-type Jag red that is often covered with an expensive car cover and then it lives in the double garage, and a Porsche 911 for that modern take.

Also on the driveway lives his work Mitsubishi L200 and his wife (Maxine) late-plate Vauxhall Mokka.

Despite the usual appearance of his L200 on the estate, it is vehicle that works the hardest but gets the least attention, his neighbours are either begrudgingly impressed by his landscaping skills or jealously unimpressed because he isn't always wearing a collar and jumper.

--------------------------

Note* there is a bloke a few doors up from me who mostly answers this description apart from the house on the estate. He does own though, quite an exclusive plot with a big driveway but no garage.

[Pieman]

48 minutes ago, Lord Sterling said:

I might have a chat with @motorpunk, it woukd be nkce to have a Don Grant Bumper book of cartoon cars-like book out, but I reckon there is a lot more ground to cover before a book can be made. I fear it might not be easy as simply sending in some screenshot of what I've written. 

Actually, instead of books...anyone here friendly with any graphic novelists or cartoonists?  I reckon we could start a motoring version of Viz from this thread!

[Lord Sterling]

Cuzzybrudda Ghulam Golf R

Invariably an actual cousin/brother/family friend of CuzzyBrother Abdullah. However, Ghulam is a bearded meathead variation of Abdullah.

He has literally no value anywhere in life but somehow manages to make a packet of money from nothing. Even his own parents only ever advise to "just not die before we do"

However, Ghulam has literally no self awareness, he barely knows where he most of the time. He has, rather concerningly, rented a Volkswagen Golf R from one of the rental places his mate works at and proceeds to drive it like he is on a desperate level of GTA 5. Weaving in and out of afternoon traffic because the car can go fast, innit!? (And when someone blares their horn at him in disgust, he does nothing but chant out Hoi Hoi Hoi, da GoLf AAR has LANDED) It appeals to his inner simpleton instincts.

At home, Ghulam has an old mouldering Civic Type S he was trying (badly) to modify to a Type R until he gave up and couldn't be bothered anymore.

[All-Cisterns-Go]

7 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

 he has fitted a fart cannon to his bike, in his mind, it sounds amazing. To everyone else, it sounds bloody terrible,

 Did you have to write that when I was trying to drink! Now I need a new keyboard...    We've got a Marky Mark 125 round here every single evening around 6pm & three neibours already round here have threatened much direness in his general sound wave direction. Think Kenneth Cope's mum in Carry on At Your Conveniance when Bernard Bresslaw is revving the bike outside the house... 

[Lord Sterling]

Mamadou Uber Prius

Mamadou Azizou drifted in and out of various temp jobs until his mates told him about driving for Uber. Now to him, this seemed like a good idea at the time, free car, make up your own hours etc... and of course, he was taken in by the false high earning potential that is sold as being achievable (Spoiler; it isn't) so quickly signed up.

Now despite the fact that Mamadou has rarely ever driven in London and really only knows how to get from Wood Green to Marble Arch via tube, he has a go anyway, he'll learn on the job etc....

Mamadou generally has the road sense of a pigeon flying through a hall of mirrors, he doesn't understand lane discipline, or how indicators work so like Pam Peugeot, rarely gets in an accident but somehow seems to leave a trial of destruction behind him.

Mamadou will sometimes find himself driving through pedestrian-only zones, bike-only lanes and sometimes down stairs.

[Pieman]

2 minutes ago, Lord Sterling said:

Mamadou will sometimes find himself driving through pedestrian-only zones, bike-only lanes and sometimes down stairs.

You're too good at this.  I am now picturing in my head a Prius driving something akin to the chase route in The Italian Job with the Benny Hill music playing over it. 🤣

[Lord Sterling]

Semolina "I-go/Aygo" Johnson.

Semolina is a scatter brained university student in her second year studying the laws of plants or something. 

Semolina is a typical "Gen Z" person who sees her phone as her god. Anytime it pings, she must answer straight away, whatever it is she is doing.

Mummy and Daddy bought her, her first car, a Toyota Aygo, Daddy thought it was nice and funky, a car for young people, outwardly, she loved it, but deep inside, she wasn't overly impressed as she wanted a Bini Convertible like her friend Trustafaria Dance. 

The problem with Semolina is that she tries to do too many things at once like she is racing to ensure everything is done rather than pace herself, thinking before acting is s concept alien to her. 

As alluded to previously, her phone is her god and anytime it pings, even when she drives in busy but moving central London traffic, she needs to answer (in her mind) which inevitably ends uo with her crashing into the back of someone elses' car.

[dozeydustman]

Godspower Matumbe

Godspower is a wealthy African who came to the UK in the 2000s and owns an upmarket 4+ bed detached house on a nice estate. He is a preacher at the local cultural centre (labelled as The Pentecostal Church of Rainbows, Love and God) every Sunday but has an unknown job during the week which he is secretive about, possibly Uber as he has a TFL private hire diamond in his front and rear screens. He is always smartly attired, Pierre Cardin suit, collar and tie for work, and traditional African attire for his church duties. On a Sunday after the sermon he transports a number of widowed African ladies to his home for a dinner before going back to church for the evening service.

On the road he’s not the best driver as he rarely looks at his surroundings. He is however impatient and can often be seen flailing his arms around in heavy traffic; he must be at the front at all times keeps trying to drive around the queue only to be met with an oncoming vehicle or a traffic island and argues with the ‘Robot’ (traffic light). Somehow he never manages to have or cause an accident.

When he first came to the UK he bought, with cash, a Peugeot 407 as he thought it would be as indestructible as the 405/504/505 he last used before emigrating. How wrong was he? Since chopping it in for a 5008 which was just as disappointing, he gave up on the brand and now drives a Jag XF. The 5008 has become his wife’s car, but she cannot drive it unless he is with her. When he has friends, family or churchgoers visit they abandon their cars willy-nilly around the cul de sac, normally in front of other houses’ driveways.

(Godspower is my parents’ neighbour and most of the above is based on him including the first name! He’s quite a nice bloke to talk to)

[motorpunk]

8 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

I fear it might not be easy as simply sending in some screenshot of what I've written. 

It is almost exactly as easy as that. 

[quicksilver]

On 05/10/2023 at 07:28, Steviemillar said:

The Tesla Driver - a pretentious prick usually who looks down their nose at everyone else as they are clearly doing their bit for The 'Vironment and the rest of us Tesla-less minions are clearly not. These people reckon they are part of the  "in" crowd or like to think they are anyway. Speed limits especially in town and parking restrictions also don't seem to apply to this group either and as for traffic lights, they seem to think by flying through amber/red lights it makes it all ok. 

 

Sorry, that turned into a bit of a rant...

 

 

Two years on and The Tesla Driver's attitude has changed completely. He now keeps ownership of a Tesla very quiet lest it be construed as supporting the Musk/Trump regime. His Tesla now sports a sticker explaining "I bought this before Elon went nuts" and he wishes he could get rid of it because it's giving him an unfortunate reputation as a far-right lunatic when in reality he is only mildly right-wing. The only reason he doesn't is that he still wants an EV to show off his green credentials and wouldn't be seen dead driving an ICE vehicle, but can't afford an equivalent EV from another brand because the market for second-hand Teslas has collapsed. While he used to constantly post on Twitter about how great Musk and his Tesla were, he deactivated his account when it became X and now keeps a low profile on social media.

[Imhotep]

‘The stubborn old man’

Had a great job in industry and was quite high up in management. Retired in the mid to late 90s and has a lovely large house and a decent pension, all round good bloke.

Upon retiring, he decided to buy himself a nice new executive car with a large engine, think Jaguar, BMW, Rover 75, etc. 

He has had it since new, it is serviced yearly, however he doesn’t understand the value of decent parts, thus always asking for the cheapest. He’s from an era where weekly checks were the norm, so every Sunday he’s making sure the car has the required fluids. 
 

On the road, he is an absolute menace. Now in his mid 80s, his eyesight is failing him, but he still thinks he’s capable of driving like he was able to 20 years ago. As such his car has been retrofitted with the cheapest parking sensors and reversing camera on Amazon, but this still doesn’t stop him scraping bollards and touch parking because he can no longer see the end of the bonnet of his car. It’s never his fault, they put bollards in all sorts of stupid places these days, don’t you know?

Eventually, after nearly running someone down at a pedestrian crossing because ‘How could I see them? They were slightly to the right of the car’ - a family member offers to take the car for an MOT, where despite being mechanically and structurally sound (he looked after it after all, and despite the budget tyres and cheap filters, any work required was done), the family member gives the garage £50 to fail it and quote him thousands to repair it, in order to convince him to hang up the keys. 
 

This car then ends up owned by Jaguar Jim from @Lord Sterling’s assessments. 

[Pieman]

25 minutes ago, quicksilver said:

Two years on and The Tesla Driver's attitude has changed completely. He now keeps ownership of a Tesla very quiet lest it be construed as supporting the Musk/Trump regime. His Tesla now sports a sticker explaining "I bought this before Elon went nuts" and he wishes he could get rid of it because it's giving him an unfortunate reputation as a far-right lunatic when in reality he is only mildly right-wing. The only reason he doesn't is that he still wants an EV to show off his green credentials and wouldn't be seen dead driving an ICE vehicle, but can't afford an equivalent EV from another brand because the market for second-hand Teslas has collapsed. While he used to constantly post on Twitter about how great Musk and his Tesla were, he deactivated his account when it became X and now keeps a low profile on social media.

Saw a Tesla with one of those stickers on the motorway a few weeks ago and EXACTLY that profile formed in my mind!

[mat777]

Not quite as detailed as some of the write ups on here, but there's this gem from about 10 years ago...

[quicksilver]

A bit of a niche one that will only be familiar to those who live near a USAF base: Chuck, the American serviceman. Chuck drives some sort of obscure in the UK but common back home US domestic market sedan like a Chevy Cavalier, Dodge Intrepid or Ford Taurus. It's a bland and forgettable car that nobody in their right mind would consider worth importing commercially, but he had it brought over in a USAF transport plane on Uncle Sam's dime. He isn't really comfortable with driving on the left or roads with corners and always has to concentrate on his driving as he is terrified of becoming the next Anne Sacoolas. When Chuck is sent overseas to his next posting and has to quickly leave the UK, he sells his car very cheaply to @eddyramrod  

[eddyramrod]

I'm still waiting for one of the pickups from the Motor Pool, or possibly the USMP Caprice...

[Pieman]

53 minutes ago, quicksilver said:

A bit of a niche one that will only be familiar to those who live near a USAF base: Chuck, the American serviceman. Chuck drives some sort of obscure in the UK but common back home US domestic market sedan like a Chevy Cavalier, Dodge Intrepid or Ford Taurus.

When I was watching that very funny "Secrets of the Company Car Men" on YouTube a while back I spotted a strange looking car in the traffic being overtaken which I later found to be a Geo Storm.  I reckon that method must be the only way one of those could have ended up in the UK!

[Madman Of The People]

3 hours ago, Pieman said:

When I was watching that very funny "Secrets of the Company Car Men" on YouTube a while back I spotted a strange looking car in the traffic being overtaken which I later found to be a Geo Storm.  I reckon that method must be the only way one of those could have ended up in the UK!

Now that takes me back!  Geo Storms (a rebadged second generation Isuzu Impulse/Piazza) were everywhere in 1990s America but they’ve all long since vanished.

Based on nothing more than my personal observations at the time, I recall the Storm to Impulse ratio appeared to be somewhere around 30-to-1 thanks to Chevrolet’s vastly larger dealer network.

[Volksy]

20 hours ago, quicksilver said:

A bit of a niche one that will only be familiar to those who live near a USAF base: Chuck, the American serviceman. Chuck drives some sort of obscure in the UK but common back home US domestic market sedan like a Chevy Cavalier, Dodge Intrepid or Ford Taurus. It's a bland and forgettable car that nobody in their right mind would consider worth importing commercially, but he had it brought over in a USAF transport plane on Uncle Sam's dime. He isn't really comfortable with driving on the left or roads with corners and always has to concentrate on his driving as he is terrified of becoming the next Anne Sacoolas. When Chuck is sent overseas to his next posting and has to quickly leave the UK, he sells his car very cheaply to @eddyramrod  

Around North Leeds and Harrogate there used to be quite a lot of Chucks, due to the 'Listening Base' at Menwith Hill.

Sadly now that US and Europeeen cars are now not dissimilar its rare that you even notice them, apart from the odd F150 or RAM. 

I did see a Buick Regal a few weeks back, which is basically a badge engineered Insignia. 

[mat777]

Just now, Volksy said:

I did see a Buick Regal a few weeks back, which is basically a badge engineered Insignia. 

But but.... Buick "Ventiports" 😅 

(There's an equally dreadful Buick version of the MK1 Mokka too)

[Madman Of The People]

7 hours ago, Volksy said:

Around North Leeds and Harrogate there used to be quite a lot of Chucks, due to the 'Listening Base' at Menwith Hill.

Sadly now that US and Europeeen cars are now not dissimilar its rare that you even notice them, apart from the odd F150 or RAM. 

I did see a Buick Regal a few weeks back, which is basically a badge engineered Insignia. 

My son has a Regal, built in Germany on the same line as the Insignia.  No Ventiports, sadly.

 

[dozeydustman]

Mehmet Just Eat.

Mehmet is your local Just Eat/Deliveroo man but is picky about the restaurants for which he couriers, so will quite often only deliver for Charcoal Grill, Best Kebab or whichever takeaway his cousin Ali owns. Never seen in the same car twice and varies from a three day old VW pisshat to a V-reg Yaris. Whichever car it is, it will have parking dings and left abandoned across someone’s driveway or on a street corner ticking over and the passenger door wide open while he works out the confusing numbering system where odds are on one side and evens on the other. Hands the food over but the only words he says to you are ‘Cod Plis’, which refers to the PIN the delivery app sent you, or shows you his phone for you to enter your date of birth.

[MantaGTE85]

On 11/06/2025 at 17:20, warch said:

I've seen at least two cars with BO55 numberplates, both were Range Rovers.

There's one round my way that's like that - about nine grands worth of 2013 L405 🤪 

[Richard_FM]

Barry Bimbler:

This is a 60+ motorist who seems to have an irrational fear of breaking the speed limit, & will make sure he stays below it.  This means he is usually encountered in the middle lane of a motorway doing 50mph tops.  Luckily his car of choice is a red Nissan Micra K11 so you can spot him at a distance.

[83C]

32 minutes ago, Richard_FM said:

Barry Bimbler:

This is a 60+ motorist who seems to have an irrational fear of breaking the speed limit, & will make sure he stays below it.  This means he is usually encountered in the middle lane of a motorway doing 50mph tops.  Luckily his car of choice is a red Nissan Micra K11 so you can spot him at a distance.

Related to Forty Everywhere Man.

Same age as Mr Bimbler, but does 40 regardless of the speed limit or situation. This means he is a fucking lunatic going through a 20, and a fucking liability on the motorway. He thoroughly disapproves of anyone overtaking him, he will signal his anger with much headlight flashing and fist shaking. The car is on its second indicator/flash stalk after the first one wore out, and he has RSI in the left wrist. He doesn’t understand why he got caught speeding yet again past the hospital because he has self-assessed his skills and believes he is the World’s Safest Driver.

Car will be something dreary and bland, probably with a fish symbol on the back.

[dozeydustman]

Mavis.

Mavis is an older lady with a scrunched up gurning face like Les Dawson’s Cissy and Ada characters. She potters about in her aging Aygo at 25mph on any road, haphazardly shuffling the steering wheel making constant adjustments so she drifts between the kerb and white line but somehow misses both. She has a blue badge on the dash at all times, placed in the orange wallet her first badge from 1993 arrived in and can’t work out how to use the clock card.

Mavis parks haphazardly at an angle in the parking bay, often one wheel up on the kerb, as a result there isn’t a straight or unscratched panel on the car. Seen wrestling in and out of the boot or passenger door a four-wheeled tartan shopping trolley, often decanting the 48 tins of Whiskas with supermeat into the boot as she can’t lift the laden trolley back in. Always leaves a supermarket or greengrocers with a 20lb sack of potatoes. 

On her Thursday run to get the third lot of cat food or sack of spuds she needs to be home by 1pm to put the cabbage on to cook for Sunday dinner.

[Lord Sterling]

Matty 'Scenic'

Matty has never, ever had any ambition. He's one of those types that life just "happens" it's never any of his fault.

Matty is the male version of Chanetelle slum Mum and invariably an on-off partner of hers.

He'll often be seen driving about in a late 00s uninsured £350 Renault Scenic with mismatched wheel trims, bald tyres (because of 'burn outs' and lack of anything resembling wheel alignment). A poor car that is dying slowly in his ownership. 

Matty hasn't lost the art of lying since school. If asked about the car he'll brag about it being some sort of special homologation model and it being "worf like 2grand" despite it looking about £100 on a good day.

Inevitably, like his "missus" Chanetelle, the law will catch up with him and the car will be given a prohibition notice and towed away until he can insure it again, to which it'll eventually be crushed.

[Lord Sterling]

🎶 Bob the bimbler, do we bimble? Bob the bimbler, do we fuck! 🎶

Bob is happily retired, he is an older and more retired version of Boring Geoff. 

Bob lives in the past and begrudgingly accepts new technology as thing that is supposed to "make life easier" but generally leaves it alone unless he really need to use it. His dress sense is of someone who was old in the 1950s, tweed jackets, ties and a flatcap. He has thick rimmed glasses and thinned but carefully brylcreemed combed back hair.

Bob drives some sort of small modern vehicle, a Hyundai i10, or modern shape Nissan Micra.

Being a retired sort, Bob is never in a hurry, and to him, nor should anyone else be. On the road, he bimbles at anywhere between 18mph and 23 mph on a 30mph road. He angrily flashes his lights at these "young whipper snappers" speeding around everywhere.