Tropes you see on the road

[Volksy]

That's not your car type #3

Lamborghini or Ferrari obviously rented due to the fact they'll sit a traffic lights bouncing £50,000 worth of engine off the rev limiter. 

Will occasionally come in groups of two or three, in different rental supercars blasting around a route in the city centre. They'll do this all day. 

Would ordinarily drive a Leon Cupra or Golf R. May have a quad bike also.

[Asimo]

6 hours ago, dozeydustman said:

with the three-pointed star of entitlement

three-pointed swastika of entitlement

[chaseracer]

7 hours ago, dozeydustman said:

The “I’ve got a posh car and you will respect my authoritah”.

Scumbag piece of trash who lives in a delapidated council house on an estate that is less welcoming that Beirut, the Gaza strip or Dartford town centre. House is a rathole, car is a shed, he wears grubby joggers and a selection of faded raggy tops, but he’s alright because he’s now got a posh car. Doesn’t have a job, hasn’t done since the age of 20, but always has a pocket full of £20 notes. Never wears the seat belt and probably doesn’t have a license.

Drives like an absolute knob everywhere, cuts anyone and everyone up, won’t make leeway for emergency vehicles because he’s got a posh car and he rules the road. Probably has a bent MoT if any at all.

In the mid 1990s this would have been a Mk2 Granada 2.8i Ghia X which had been clocked every 18 months, and the bumpers held on with gaffer tape. Nowadays this would be something around 2006-2010 with the three-pointed star of entitlement, four rings of privilege or the white and blue quarters of superiority.

I have met this chap.  He lives in Malvern and drives a 58-plate Mercedes C coupé in 'lease white'.  He proposed that, because I was driving a mere Nissan, I - and the three cars behind me - should reverse around a blind bend to let him through.  It was suggested in the clearest terms that he should FOXTROT OSCAR...

[Lord Sterling]

Disco Stu

Whenever someone thinks of off-roaders, there are 3 types of people most will think of: Jemima Sloane Discovery 4, or a mud-plugging farmers on their way to Market in their Series 2/3, or these two:

However, since then, the "Let's off-road!' crew have modernised. Nowadays, if you live somewhere near remote, you'll often come across the "Stu".

Stu is a stick thin, vape-smoking chav looking lad. The kind of lad who does before he thinks. Stick him in the middle of a run-down council estate and he'd look the part.

He has all the dress-sense of Dave Chevrons of Entitlement, sun-stained trackies, rigger boots, a holed and stained t-shirt and mop-top swept aside hair.

However, Stu knows his way around mechanicals and isn't afraid to get stuff changed/done, except,  he doesn't do it with the care or panache of a garage mechanic. Stu enjoys off-roading, sometimes legal, but generally not, and like Mike Modder, he cannot keep his hands off his Disco 2. He is constantly modifying it. His invariably large driveway looks like a breakers yard with oil stains on the tarmacadam, various stands, ramps set aside propped up against the broken fence between him and next door. The Disco spends more time upon ramps with its front wheels off than it does on the road.

The Disco 2 has a high-pressure turbo than whines very high when driving, just to let you know, it has a turbo. It kicks out so much black smoke that it makes the 1800s industrial Black Country look clean, healthy and serene.

Here is an example of Stu's ride:

 

[timolloyd]

Does Stu go out at the merest hint of snow, offering to rescue people while actually creating more chaos?

[Lord Sterling]

1 hour ago, timolloyd said:

Does Stu go out at the merest hint of snow, offering to rescue people while actually creating more chaos?

Yes, yes he does indeed.

He'll also go out to those "Rufford ford" Fords and either create more chaos by smashing his Disco into water, or try to rescue someone and then require rescuing himself.

Generally it's a mix of the two. He'll smash the Disco into the Ford, it'll get very wet and suffer from a hydrolocked engine (because he removed and chucked away whatever factory protections it had before, to save weight,* or something equally stupid) and then needs towing home.

[Lord Sterling]

Jaguar Jim

Jim has always fancied himself as a middle-class man, he has had delusions of granduer but Jim has always been a violently middle-of-the-road man. He has never quite pushed into the middle-class barrier of car choices, always erring on the side of caution, buying slightly better examples of middle-of-the-road cars like Sierras/Mondeos or Cavaliers and Vectras.

Now silver haired, retired and generally seen wearing white socks with sandles and chinos on warm days, he has now gone and bought himself a Jaguar XF. In his mind, it still retains some glory of the old days when a Jag was a cads' car. Unfortunately, the XF isn't and doesn't quite portray that image.

Jim has recently traded up from a 2006 Vectra C estate 1.9 CDTi to a 2010 XF 2.2 Diesel that just misses out on meeting ULEZ requirements (by about 5 years). For Jim and his wife Rosie, its an upgrade to something posher, it's something Rosie can lord over her coffee morning friends, she's always had her eyes set on stepping up the class ladder.

Jim also thinks because it's a bit newer and a car from a posher company, that it'll pass the ULEZ requirements, that is until he and his wife Rosie go into town and receive a ULEZ fine, which to them, is like receiving a court summons, he'll take to social media to look for answers rather than through the right channels, then he'll spend ages arguing with the council customer service bot down the phone how they're taking a liberty etc... before begrudgingly paying the fine, all because he didn't do his research. 

[Metal Guru]

6 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

Yes, yes he does indeed.

He'll also go out to those "Rufford ford" Fords and either create more chaos by smashing his Disco into water, or try to rescue someone and then require rescuing himself.

Generally it's a mix of the two. He'll smash the Disco into the Ford, it'll get very wet and suffer from a hydrolocked engine (because he removed and chucked away whatever factory protections it had before, to save weight,* or something equally stupid) and then needs towing home.

I thought towing  people out of floods for extortionate amounts  was their way of financing mods to their cars. (They sure don’t look like they have a job that pays enough).

[sierraman]

On 01/07/2025 at 11:11, Lord Sterling said:

Yes, yes he does indeed.

He'll also go out to those "Rufford ford" Fords and either create more chaos by smashing his Disco into water, or try to rescue someone and then require rescuing himself.

Generally it's a mix of the two. He'll smash the Disco into the Ford, it'll get very wet and suffer from a hydrolocked engine (because he removed and chucked away whatever factory protections it had before, to save weight,* or something equally stupid) and then needs towing home.

He’ll like that because it’ll mean swapping an engine at some unseasonably late hour in the street. 

[sierraman]

‘These things run forever Gary’ 

Gary is in his late forties, he has a 2005 Passat Estate, it’s done 350,000 miles. You’d never know this though with the wings flapping with rust and its inability to make a complete journey over 15 miles without some miscellaneous light/noise/graunching/smoke appearing. He works on it at least 6-7 hours a week, replacing various bushes, sensors etc. Keeps it going as testament to fine German engineering and spends much of his time explaining how it’s much much made better than any other vehicle and how it’ll easily be on the road still in 15 years. He gets ECP vouchers for Xmas from his long suffering wife. 

[warch]

34 minutes ago, sierraman said:

‘These things run forever Gary’ 

Gary is in his late forties, he has a 2005 Passat Estate, it’s done 350,000 miles. You’d never know this though with the wings flapping with rust and its inability to make a complete journey over 15 miles without some miscellaneous light/noise/graunching/smoke appearing. He works on it at least 6-7 hours a week, replacing various bushes, sensors etc. Keeps it going as testament to fine German engineering and spends much of his time explaining how it’s much much made better than any other vehicle and how it’ll easily be on the road still in 15 years. He gets ECP vouchers for Xmas from his long suffering wife. 

That resembles my 2005 Golf experience, except for the fact it was completely fucked at the 175k mile mark. I realised I was spending time every single weekend working on it, and that was before it really broke down (mystery electrical issue that fucked the fuel pump relay then progressed to lighting up the entire dash). 

I should iterate that the car was barely ten years old by the time it reached this state, reliable my arse.

[Soundwave]

The Bloomin' Groomer

Often a young-to-middle aged woman or couple, although not exclusively so, these enterprising entrepreneurs have decided to use their enthusiasm for dogs combined with the fact they have a driving license to start their own mobile dog washing/grooming business. Picking up a lunar mileage Sprinter or Daily for cheap and outfitting it with what appears to be a miniature salon in the back, they travel around the town to assist the populace with all aspects of external dog maintenance.

That's all fine - what's less fine is that their brains are so full of (admittedly genuinely complex) techniques for cutting a Jackadoodlepoo's armpit hair, there's no room left for anything resembling situational awareness. They'll park their van canine salon outside their customer's house, regardless of all other factors. House is on a blind corner? Sod it, everyone else can go around. Narrow road? It's even narrower now, can't park up the kerb - got to keep the van level to prevent fido's bathwater going everywhere. Need additional water? Just run a hose across the pavement, anyone trips it's their fault. Their choice of vehicle often boggles the mind too - many seem to believe that only the longest wheelbase van will do, often bordering on requiring an HGV license to drive. Pretty sure Mrs Bigglesthorpe's half-dead wheezing pug would fit in a regular-sized Transit, where it can be easily bathed whilst silently begging with its eyes to have its suffering ended.

[Pieman]

21 minutes ago, Soundwave said:

The Bloomin' Groomer

Often a young-to-middle aged woman or couple, although not exclusively so, these enterprising entrepreneurs have decided to use their enthusiasm for dogs combined with the fact they have a driving license to start their own mobile dog washing/grooming business. Picking up a lunar mileage Sprinter or Daily for cheap and outfitting it with what appears to be a miniature salon in the back, they travel around the town to assist the populace with all aspects of external dog maintenance.

That's all fine - what's less fine is that their brains are so full of (admittedly genuinely complex) techniques for cutting a Jackadoodlepoo's armpit hair, there's no room left for anything resembling situational awareness. They'll park their van canine salon outside their customer's house, regardless of all other factors. House is on a blind corner? Sod it, everyone else can go around. Narrow road? It's even narrower now, can't park up the kerb - got to keep the van level to prevent fido's bathwater going everywhere. Need additional water? Just run a hose across the pavement, anyone trips it's their fault. Their choice of vehicle often boggles the mind too - many seem to believe that only the longest wheelbase van will do, often bordering on requiring an HGV license to drive. Pretty sure Mrs Bigglesthorpe's half-dead wheezing pug would fit in a regular-sized Transit, where it can be easily bathed whilst silently begging with its eyes to have its suffering ended.

Wasn't someone on here recently asking about building one of those things?

[warch]

The tractor driver

1: Farmer. Usually middle aged/elderly and comically hard to understand, a lifetime spent mostly in one's own company tends to lead to the development of a unique patois (think Gerard from Clarkson's farm). Generally drives a older tractor, or one which still has gear levers due to a not unreasonable aversion to electronic complexity. In an ideal world would be quite happy bimbling around the place on a Massey 35 or Dexta which remind him/her of happier/simpler times. Is generally courteous to other road users, who will rarely have an issues negotiating a 70s International hooked up to an ancient hayturner doing 15mph on the open road.

Contrast with;

2: Farmer's son/daughter or Contractor*. Can range between apparently twelve (legally they must be 16 or above) and their 50s. Frequently a law unto themselves, thanks to a press on/get things done attitude combined with an arrogant disdain for non farmers (usually referred to as townies). Absolutely won't pull over for any fucker, regardless of how much of a tailback they're causing, tend to regard the countryside as their domain. Usually drives something new/nearly new, and colossal, towing an even more enormous trailer or implement. Most active during harvest and late autumn.  

*Frequently working under unbelievable pressure due to the costs involved in buying contractor grade machinery (often well into 6 figures for an up to date fleet and implements), fuel, wages etc, which isn't helped by often being massively in arrears (a friend of mine deals with one contractor who is permanently owed c. £500k by clients). 

 

 

[sierraman]

45 minutes ago, Soundwave said:

The Bloomin' Groomer

Often a young-to-middle aged woman or couple, although not exclusively so, these enterprising entrepreneurs have decided to use their enthusiasm for dogs combined with the fact they have a driving license to start their own mobile dog washing/grooming business. Picking up a lunar mileage Sprinter or Daily for cheap and outfitting it with what appears to be a miniature salon in the back, they travel around the town to assist the populace with all aspects of external dog maintenance.

That's all fine - what's less fine is that their brains are so full of (admittedly genuinely complex) techniques for cutting a Jackadoodlepoo's armpit hair, there's no room left for anything resembling situational awareness. They'll park their van canine salon outside their customer's house, regardless of all other factors. House is on a blind corner? Sod it, everyone else can go around. Narrow road? It's even narrower now, can't park up the kerb - got to keep the van level to prevent fido's bathwater going everywhere. Need additional water? Just run a hose across the pavement, anyone trips it's their fault. Their choice of vehicle often boggles the mind too - many seem to believe that only the longest wheelbase van will do, often bordering on requiring an HGV license to drive. Pretty sure Mrs Bigglesthorpe's half-dead wheezing pug would fit in a regular-sized Transit, where it can be easily bathed whilst silently begging with its eyes to have its suffering ended.

This. Saw one other day 2005 Transit, thousands on the wrap and fitting it out then a few more thousand having the steps, spring hangers and chassis legs welded back up. 

[Lord Sterling]

Amjad Sprinter

Amjad is an immigrant from somewhere in the Indian subcontinent, he has ended up working for working a restaurant food supplier making deliveries to restaurants all around the local area.

He drives a company lwb Mercedes Sprinter van and sometimes a Luton. Amjad isn't overly confident with the size of the vehicle and despite being careful, he usually manages to bash or scrape the van. Not a day goes by where it doesn't at least pick up a scratch.

Both vehicles are sparsely maintained and rarely ever washed, the paintwork on them has gone all chalky so washing it males little difference. The Sprinter is massively rusty anyway, the mirrors are held on with brown parcel tape, the rear bumper held on with old speaker wire and the rear doors have a chain around the handles to keep it locked. The owner is aware but doesn't care, he's too busy with business and making money. He'll get it "sorted" later (which never comes) or when Amjad eventually gets pulled over where the Sprinter is found to be massively overloaded and the general condition of the van is found to be in a "how the hell has that got an MoT" way.

As a result, Amjad gets the points, the boss of the company gets a fine and begrudgingly either shells out to get the van fixed (as cheaply as possible, mind) or replaces the van with another cheapy Sprinter one of his mates' had for sale.

[Lord Sterling]

Kane "the towny" Townly.

Kane lives the Deanomania/Essex/social media lifestyle. His life/clothing style is dictated by social media and pretence of being successful. 

His hero's include Andrew Tate and 20-somethings on YouTube telling everyone else how to live their life (despite having not experience themselves)

Invariably, he'll drive a premium German-marque vehicle such as a BMW/Audi. It'll always be white, as white as his Turkish-teeth.

He is mildly successful in whatever profession he has decided to go into and lives in an achingly new-build estate.

At this point, I'd like to go on, but I'll let the below video and picture sum it up for you:

[HMC]

Branded leisurewear enthusiast.

He (its almost always is) is middle aged and upwards and has wanted this particular open topped sports car for a while. 

Its exceptionally well looked after, in perfect condition and blemish free, usually taken out on a fine sunday, and at this point we see the porsche branded baseball cap being donned as he pulls away (very carefully) from the petrol station.

 

[Pieman]

20 minutes ago, Lord Sterling said:

Kane "the towny" Townly.

Kane lives the Deanomania/Essex/social media lifestyle. His life/clothing style is dictated by social media and pretence of being successful. 

His hero's include Andrew Tate and 20-somethings on YouTube telling everyone else how to live their life (despite having not experience themselves)

Invariably, he'll drive a premium German-marque vehicle such as a BMW/Audi. It'll always be white, as white as his Turkish-teeth.

He is mildly successful in whatever profession he has decided to go into and lives in an achingly new-build estate.

At this point, I'd like to go on, but I'll let the below video and picture sum it up for you:

They are precisely the sort of people who are the reason why my signature says what it does.

[GrumpiusMaximus]

1 hour ago, Soundwave said:

The Bloomin' Groomer

Often a young-to-middle aged woman or couple, although not exclusively so, these enterprising entrepreneurs have decided to use their enthusiasm for dogs combined with the fact they have a driving license to start their own mobile dog washing/grooming business. Picking up a lunar mileage Sprinter or Daily for cheap and outfitting it with what appears to be a miniature salon in the back, they travel around the town to assist the populace with all aspects of external dog maintenance.

That's all fine - what's less fine is that their brains are so full of (admittedly genuinely complex) techniques for cutting a Jackadoodlepoo's armpit hair, there's no room left for anything resembling situational awareness. They'll park their van canine salon outside their customer's house, regardless of all other factors. House is on a blind corner? Sod it, everyone else can go around. Narrow road? It's even narrower now, can't park up the kerb - got to keep the van level to prevent fido's bathwater going everywhere. Need additional water? Just run a hose across the pavement, anyone trips it's their fault. Their choice of vehicle often boggles the mind too - many seem to believe that only the longest wheelbase van will do, often bordering on requiring an HGV license to drive. Pretty sure Mrs Bigglesthorpe's half-dead wheezing pug would fit in a regular-sized Transit, where it can be easily bathed whilst silently begging with its eyes to have its suffering ended.

@JJ0063 you've been noted and logged for further monitoring.

[Imhotep]

2 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

Amjad Sprinter

Amjad is an immigrant from somewhere in the Indian subcontinent, he has ended up working for working a restaurant food supplier making deliveries to restaurants all around the local area.

He drives a company lwb Mercedes Sprinter van and sometimes a Luton. Amjad isn't overly confident with the size of the vehicle and despite being careful, he usually manages to bash or scrape the van. Not a day goes by where it doesn't at least pick up a scratch.

Both vehicles are sparsely maintained and rarely ever washed, the paintwork on them has gone all chalky so washing it males little difference. The Sprinter is massively rusty anyway, the mirrors are held on with brown parcel tape, the rear bumper held on with old speaker wire and the rear doors have a chain around the handles to keep it locked. The owner is aware but doesn't care, he's too busy with business and making money. He'll get it "sorted" later (which never comes) or when Amjad eventually gets pulled over where the Sprinter is found to be massively overloaded and the general condition of the van is found to be in a "how the hell has that got an MoT" way.

As a result, Amjad gets the points, the boss of the company gets a fine and begrudgingly either shells out to get the van fixed (as cheaply as possible, mind) or replaces the van with another cheapy Sprinter one of his mates' had for sale.

You been round my way looking at the cash and carry vans again Mo? 

[Lord Sterling]

Harry "Hardley Dangerous" Davidson

Harry is in his 50s. He has followed and alsmost mastered the path of life of a 50 year old bloke. He is married, has 2 kids, a half-paid off mortgage of a 3 bedroomed semi in Dullshire.

His reward to himself is every now again he takes his Hardly Dangerous Harley Davison bike for a ride. Every time he rides it, he sees himself as Billy or Wyatt from the 1969 film Easy Rider. He dons all the gear, black leather jacket with studs, reflective shades, bandana, a grey beard and has the loudest exhaust known to man, as he lives in a semi-rural area only annoying the general population, there isn't much in the way of Police presence so generally gets away with it.

He pretends to be on Highway 66 whereas he rarely ventures any further than the B106 to Dullerham.

Whenever he can, he tends to spend his time with other equally grey breards pretending to be in some sort of hells angels gang. The nearest he ever really got to any sort of gang was watching the the 1979 film The Warriors.

His car is an actual reflection of his real personality, a BMW 316d. Aggressive looking on the outside, but not much going on inside.

[Lord Sterling]

31 minutes ago, Imhotep said:

You been round my way looking at the cash and carry vans again Mo? 

There's plenty of them here too. I park my car up a service road that leads to the back of a restaurant (the one where I repaired their Renault Clio, then BMW and Ford Focus) I've seen them reverse up it praying they wouldn't touch the Jag.

There is actually 4 'Indian' restaurants around here within a few yards of each other.

[Lord Sterling]

15 minutes ago, Lord Sterling said:

Harry "Hardley Dangerous" Davidson.....

Equally on the bikes front is Marky Mark, the 125 spark.

Mark is about 18, maybe 20. He hasn't quite got himself a full driving licence but has a bike licence.

He loves his bikes and dreams of owning a Honda Fireblade 1000cc. But in the meantime, he has to make do with his KTM 125cc. His 125, much like a Fiesta owned by an 18 year old in 1995, is kitted up to the nines with REPSOL logos etc... he has fitted a fart cannon to his bike, in his mind, it sounds amazing. To everyone else, it sounds bloody terrible, the kind of sound that could get terror suspects to sign confessions.

Mark blats about on his under powered bike acting like he owns the road.  He thinks he is one of those high-speed risk takers driving 1000cc bikes through tiny gaps at high speed, in fact Mark is able to reach about 27mph and fit through a gap wide enough for an extra car.

Invariably, he'll take more risks until he accidentally blats into a kerb causing him to fly off like a rag doll and end uo making whining sounds like his bike. He'll get up, trying to pretend nothing has happened as other road users try to help him.

[Lord Sterling]

Callum 220d Coup'

Callum is a slightly pungy looking bloke. Receding hair means the need to shave it off and grow a closely cropped beard as compensation for head hair.

In order to make himself feel better about the lack of looks, he drives a late 00s Mercedes 200d Coupe in black. 

This car makes him feel like king of pack, a top-G, in fact it makes him look like a low-level drug dealer. 

He sticks on some "blingy" big alloys (bling went out in the late 00s) and tints the windows, which again, makes him looks like nothing more than a driving arrest warrant. 

[Lord Sterling]

Liam L405 Ranger

Liam once had the young Greek looks of Peter Andrew, unfortunately he found food and takeaways and now looks like Elias the chip shop owner.

Liam, like most of his other fellow road-using counterparts wants to radiate an image of money and success. So he drives a black L405 Range Rover, in diesel flavour no less, because nothing says money like saving on fuel.

Liam drives about the Range Rover wearing BIG SHADES as, in his words, the future is so bright, I gotta wear shades! 🙄

The Range Rover is heavy and fairly fast vehicle, so again, chineseum tyres might have seemed like a good idea at the time....

[dozeydustman]

On 31/05/2024 at 16:32, Lord Sterling said:

Brexit Bob

Is he related to this chap?

[Imhotep]

On 01/07/2025 at 12:10, Lord Sterling said:

Jaguar Jim

Jim has always fancied himself as a middle-class man, he has had delusions of granduer but Jim has always been a violently middle-of-the-road man.

 

[Lord Sterling]

Tyrone 645i

Tyrone likes to think he is living life to the max. He sees himself as a mixture of a "P. Diddy" like record producer with the boxing abilities of Lennox Lewis and the physical strength of Mark Felix. (Spoiler; he isn't any of that)

Any hint of success means a party. He is a show off. He seriously believes that because of his so-called "success" that he likes the finer things in life such as flashy (read; 'gaudy') clothes, flashy (fake) watches, fine (read; blow-up doll looking with an attitude) women and fine cars 😂

So he drives a black BMW 645i convertible and drives with all the panache and ability of a blind angry man who's never been behind the wheel of a car.

He drives his BMW like he's on a free-roam stage of GTA 5 being chased by police officers. Everyone on the road is slower and gets in his way, traffic lights, in his (admittedly messed up) mind are for poor people, everyone should get out of his way.

He is far too dense to understand that he looks and acts like a complete dick. Invariably, he comes across the wrong person to mess with and ends up looking a dick with a bleeding nose and black eye to his blow-up doll girlfriend.

[Lord Sterling]

Rajinder "C220" Kaur 

Rajinder always looks like a busy young Mum. She comes from a wealthy family and has married into another equally wealthy family.

Raj is likely involved in the family business but also has to juggle family life which necessitates the use of a car. Looking wealthy is nice so Raj drives the latest Mercedes C220 CDi saloon or a Mercedes GLA. 

Raj has little awareness of others around her, despite living in a city where everyone lives on top of each other and there are constant traffic jams. She is often seen in retail carparks looking for a space or on the road looking for the next road she needs to turn into. 

Raj and her husband Gurminder never feel any attachment to their vehicles which generally get moved on after 1 or 2 years and replaced with the absolute latest model, because nothing else looks like wealth other than changing your cars every 5 minutes.