Tropes you see on the road

[Cavcraft]

Ford Raptor (or Ranger) man.

Tiny cock. Abuses steroids. Tippex teeth. Tribal tattoos, which are probably thermal as he struts round like Johnny Two Canoes in his capped t-shirt when it's -10.  Works on the door of the pub in the local holiday complex.  Thinks he's hard as he throws out mildly drunk dads on a weekend break with their kids.  Be 2mm from your bumper in a 30 zone, trying to bully his way through. No need for one of these wanky 'life style' pick-ups, and the 24 inch alloys don't help.  Missus has lips like inflatable dinghies.  Practises his death stare. Wrought iron railings on horrible coloured brick walls round his property. Gopping blocked paving driveway. Window frames painted 'Homes under the hammer' grey. Big fuck off island in his kitchen with a 94" pop-up telly. Hates nonces, but had questionable relationships with 15 year old girls when he was a 20 year old centre forward with the Frog &Twat Sunday team.

[Metal Guru]

£100k tractor with more lights than Wembley stadium and Blackpool put together, towing 50 year old trailer held together with string and rusty nails. No lights or indicators ,( obviously can’t afford any), holding up 20+ cars on fast A road. 
Pulls across into hidden gateway just as someone goes to overtake. 

[RoverFolkUs]

The modern Citybug

This applies to motorists who pilot a Peugeot 108 or new shape Citroen C1. 

It will be found roaming multi storey car parks revved up to about 4k riding the clutch, with the owner completely oblivious due to the rev counter which they confuse with the petrol gauge

Just in case you can't hear them coming, you can smell the burnt clutch. 

They have their own speed limit on slip roads which is 35mph. They cannot legally join a dual carriageway or motorway at a speed exceeding this. 

When found on a motorway, they have trained themselves to keep in the safest lane which is the middle lane, alongside a HGV, doing no more than 50mph. A HGV protects you from a crash you know! So sitting in their blind spot is the best place to be! Well out of their way! 

You'll find them sign written as mobile carer vehicles, make sure not to confuse them with the earlier Peugeot 107, Citroen C1 or heaven forbid the Toyota Aygo which are strictly reserved for usage by staff* at the local money laundering derelict petrol station hand car wash establishment only. 

Just in case you happen to need a parking space in a supermarket car park, if you see one of these you might as well not bother looking and come back another time because it will usually be parked across no less than 4 spaces. 

If you happen to catch a whiff of the interior, it will smell of a tart's handbag. I've heard they also run on poundshop perfume!

The driver will be an odd character, the only car knowledge they have is that it costs £20 to tax per year and they only have to spend £30 on petrol every fourteenth Tuesday of the year. In terms of their overall persona, imagine a tat magnet designed for B&M or The Range instead of Halfords, then walk into their home and wonder why a load of shit has clung to you. 

[castros_bro]

Still looking for a category to dump this bloke in.

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/oct/07/driver-who-swerved-across-three-lanes-of-m25-on-spare-tyre-disqualified

[dozeydustman]

9 hours ago, rusty_vw_man said:

Vehicle of choice, well the black cab obviously. Polished within an inch of its life. Been to mars and back, doesn’t do above about 40mph

Doesn't do above 40mph because they have a top speed of 43? When on a motorway or dual carriageway the driver manages to eke 45 out of it, engine revving its bollocks out, and won't get out middle lane

[artdjones]

43 minutes ago, castros_bro said:

Still looking for a category to dump this bloke in.

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/oct/07/driver-who-swerved-across-three-lanes-of-m25-on-spare-tyre-disqualified

I would have said humanities graduate, but a Mondeo doesn't sound like it.

[quicksilver]

1 hour ago, castros_bro said:

Still looking for a category to dump this bloke in.

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/oct/07/driver-who-swerved-across-three-lanes-of-m25-on-spare-tyre-disqualified

I'd file that one under "people who shouldn't be allowed to drive". An all-too-common trope nowadays.

Let's have a go at a definition: people who are just generally incompetent when they get behind the wheel and may do something stupid at any moment but it's impossible to predict what that stupid action will be, when it will happen or why. Very difficult to identify until they do the stupid thing as they have no other distinguishing characteristics and can drive any type of vehicle so they look like any other normal road user.

[dozeydustman]

The Sunday

A couple in a car, not necessarily giffers but 40+, normally Japanese or Korean in manufacture but could also be a Peugeot 307 diesel, meandering aimlessly around the countryside. Previously owned Rovers but stopped buying them because the R3 was too controversially styled. Sat nav or mobile is in a windscreen mounted holder slap bang in middle of the driver's eye-line. Husband/male partner normally driving.

Normally looking for a new garden centre, tea rooms, picnic spot or National Trust/English Heritage place, or on a coastal road looking to see if there is an open fish & chip restaurant.

Top speed is 10mph less than the road's speed limit at the request of the wife, except 30 where they normally float at around 40 because they are now going too slow. Anyone driving faster than them, but within the speed limit is a maniac. Anyone over the speed limit is too fast for their reactions to catch up with.

Radio not on as it's a distractions, and if they have kids in the car they must sit in deafening silence because they will also distract the husband. Would rather go through London despite them having to pay £12.50 ULEZ as opposed to the £2.50 Dart Charge because they curse having relatives northeast of the Thames.

Must be home in time before it gets dark wherever they travel.

[RoverFolkUs]

1 hour ago, dozeydustman said:

The Sunday

A couple in a car, not necessarily giffers but 40+, normally Japanese or Korean in manufacture but could also be a Peugeot 307 diesel, meandering aimlessly around the countryside. Previously owned Rovers but stopped buying them because the R3 was too controversially styled. Sat nav or mobile is in a windscreen mounted holder slap bang in middle of the driver's eye-line. Husband/male partner normally driving.

Normally looking for a new garden centre, tea rooms, picnic spot or National Trust/English Heritage place, or on a coastal road looking to see if there is an open fish & chip restaurant.

Top speed is 10mph less than the road's speed limit at the request of the wife, except 30 where they normally float at around 40 because they are now going too slow. Anyone driving faster than them, but within the speed limit is a maniac. Anyone over the speed limit is too fast for their reactions to catch up with.

Radio not on as it's a distractions, and if they have kids in the car they must sit in deafening silence because they will also distract the husband. Would rather go through London despite them having to pay £12.50 ULEZ as opposed to the £2.50 Dart Charge because they curse having relatives northeast of the Thames.

Must be home in time before it gets dark wherever they travel.

Most of that has summed up my folks, if you add on unnecessary avoidance of the motorway 😂

[ruffgeezer]

On 10/4/2023 at 8:00 PM, garethj said:

Black Range Rover with BO55 numberplate.

An utter cunt in every way.  If you were sat next to them on a plane journey, you’d happily get out halfway through.

Do I get anything for 2/3?

[Pieman]

1 hour ago, dozeydustman said:

The Sunday

A couple in a car, not necessarily giffers but 40+, normally Japanese or Korean in manufacture but could also be a Peugeot 307 diesel, meandering aimlessly around the countryside. Previously owned Rovers but stopped buying them because the R3 was too controversially styled. Sat nav or mobile is in a windscreen mounted holder slap bang in middle of the driver's eye-line. Husband/male partner normally driving.

Normally looking for a new garden centre, tea rooms, picnic spot or National Trust/English Heritage place, or on a coastal road looking to see if there is an open fish & chip restaurant.

Top speed is 10mph less than the road's speed limit at the request of the wife, except 30 where they normally float at around 40 because they are now going too slow. Anyone driving faster than them, but within the speed limit is a maniac. Anyone over the speed limit is too fast for their reactions to catch up with.

Radio not on as it's a distractions, and if they have kids in the car they must sit in deafening silence because they will also distract the husband. Would rather go through London despite them having to pay £12.50 ULEZ as opposed to the £2.50 Dart Charge because they curse having relatives northeast of the Thames.

Must be home in time before it gets dark wherever they travel.

One of the few times where Clarkson got it spot on.
 

 

[dozeydustman]

8 hours ago, Pieman said:

One of the few times where Clarkson got it spot on.
 

 

The 307CC is for too fancy for ‘The Sunday.’, but I bet they enjoy listening to Jeremy Vine at home.

[dozeydustman]

The ‘should have given up driving years ago’.

Old boy, possibly widowed, driving his 4th car on the trot which he said “would see him through until he’s gone/forced to give up” purchased new 15 years ago. 40mph on any road including motorways.

Car again isn’t marque specific, possibly a Honda because his last Rover had a RELIABLE HONDA ENGINE. Will always be a low spec and doom blue. Several parking battle scars, some of which have been repaired with smoothly* applied Isopon and a rattle can as he knows if he puts in a claim for each one his insurers will terminate the policy. Wing mirror hanging off which wasn’t the driver’s fault so won’t repair it.

He wears aviator shaped bifocal glasses, a cream jacket and a hat while driving, even in the height of summer, the temperature control is set to the middle all year round, and recirculate is on to keep out the traffic fumes.

The only people who may have a lift somewhere are his friends at the local Men’s shed or the lawn bowling club. Drives home from the latter having eaten sandwiches from the provided tea and 6 pints of mild.

[sierraman]

The Peoples Friend - About sixties or seventies woman, driving a Honda/Kia about 3 inch from the airbag, will not look either side as they are diligently checking the road ahead even though it’s clear for the next four miles. Usually found running errands taking dead relatives clothes to charity shops or nipping to the pharmacy. Car will have only done a stupidly low mileage but will have been serviced on the dot but it has never been over 38mph so it’s as tight as a trumpet. Without exception it is silver. 

[sierraman]

5 minutes ago, dozeydustman said:

The ‘should have given up driving years ago’.

Old boy, possibly widowed, driving his 4th car on the trot which he said “would see him through until he’s gone/forced to give up” purchased new 15 years ago. 40mph on any road including motorways.

Car again isn’t marque specific, possibly a Honda because his last Rover had a RELIABLE HONDA ENGINE. Will always be a low spec and doom blue. Several parking battle scars, some of which have been repaired with smoothly* applied Isopon and a rattle can as he knows if he puts in a claim for each one his insurers will terminate the policy. Wing mirror hanging off which wasn’t the driver’s fault so won’t repair it.

He wears aviator shaped bifocal glasses, a cream jacket and a hat while driving, even in the height of summer, the temperature control is set to the middle all year round, and recirculate is on to keep out the traffic fumes.

The only people who may have a lift somewhere are his friends at the local Men’s shed or the lawn bowling club. Drives home from the latter having eaten sandwiches from the provided tea and 6 pints of mild.

You’ve just described my father. 😂

[dozeydustman]

1 minute ago, sierraman said:

You’ve just described my father. 😂

It also described my grandad

[warch]

The ride out. 

A collective entity, possesses one brain, it's intelligence is the IQ of the least intelligent member divided by the number of riders in the group. Has a herd mentality, will attempt any overtaking manoeuvre no matter how late or suicidal in order to stay with the pack. Often involved in accidents or near misses for which the blame will be placed on someone else, especially if they're on four wheels and/or elderly and/or a woman. Ride out riders ride one or two gears below what the engine would pull so as to display those 1500 quid Akrapovics to full effect. They often congregate in faceless small towns and have boring blokey conversations in Yam Yam about good routes or the best thermal baselayers over a coffee and a roll up. Ride out members favour expensive one piece racing leathers, preferably with hump, despite being in their late fifties. Often favour a Valentino Rossi replica suit, drawing unfavourable comparisons between the svelte 6 foot tall Italian and the 5'8" rotund Brummie.  Usually regret having to struggle in and out of the sweaty form fitting suit for the fourth time due to too many coffees/middle aged bladder control.  

[lesapandre]

Remember they always ride as a pack - but have a couple of stragglers - so when you are waiting to pull out at a T-junction and they all go by there is somebody to engineer a near-miss as you pull out at last.

Two stragglers about 15 seconds apart. You see the first one maybe - but the second one is there to scare you again.

[lesapandre]

On 10/7/2023 at 8:19 PM, castros_bro said:

Still looking for a category to dump this bloke in.

https://www.theguardian.com/uk-news/2023/oct/07/driver-who-swerved-across-three-lanes-of-m25-on-spare-tyre-disqualified

The 'driver on a flat tyre' is quite a common trope in London. Usually in a fairly new vehicle - they don't understand tyres and air.

[egg]

1 hour ago, warch said:

The ride out. 

Very common in Herne Bay where they congregate next to the clock tower. Coffee from Mackari's over the road.

https://www.kentonline.co.uk/herne-bay/news/bikers-threaten-protest-over-pavement-parking-ban-198859/

[Metal Guru]

43 minutes ago, lesapandre said:

Remember they always ride as a pack - but have a couple of stragglers - so when you are waiting to pull out at a T-junction and they all go by there is somebody to engineer a near-miss as you pull out at last.

Two stragglers about 15 seconds apart. You see the first one maybe - but the second one is there to scare you again.

The last time I encountered a “ride out”, the lead rider got off and illegally held up the traffic on the main road while the “gang” (12-15 including aforementioned stragglers), all came through from a minor road without stopping.

Talk about entitled.

[lesapandre]

Gulp.  Very very stupid. We don't really have an emoji for that!🤢

[lesapandre]

35 minutes ago, egg said:

Very common in Herne Bay where they congregate next to the clock tower. Coffee from Mackari's over the road.

https://www.kentonline.co.uk/herne-bay/news/bikers-threaten-protest-over-pavement-parking-ban-198859/

I suppose that's good for the town if they are well behaved? Bring a bit of business? 

Older bikers - Department of Transport:

Over the 10-year period from 2011 to 2020, motorcyclist fatalities among the 55-and-older age group increased by 37 percent, from 1,087 to 1,486.

[egg]

11 minutes ago, lesapandre said:

I suppose that's good for the town if they are well behaved? Bring a bit of business? 

Absolutely. Sometimes I have a old man moan about the noise their bikes make, but a net positive I'm sure.

[artdjones]

2 hours ago, warch said:

The ride out. 

A collective entity, possesses one brain, it's intelligence is the IQ of the least intelligent member divided by the number of riders in the group. Has a herd mentality, will attempt any overtaking manoeuvre no matter how late or suicidal in order to stay with the pack. Often involved in accidents or near misses for which the blame will be placed on someone else, especially if they're on four wheels and/or elderly and/or a woman. Ride out riders ride one or two gears below what the engine would pull so as to display those 1500 quid Akrapovics to full effect. They often congregate in faceless small towns and have boring blokey conversations in Yam Yam about good routes or the best thermal baselayers over a coffee and a roll up. Ride out members favour expensive one piece racing leathers, preferably with hump, despite being in their late fifties. Often favour a Valentino Rossi replica suit, drawing unfavourable comparisons between the svelte 6 foot tall Italian and the 5'8" rotund Brummie.  Usually regret having to struggle in and out of the sweaty form fitting suit for the fourth time due to too many coffees/middle aged bladder control.  

Usually bald and shave their chin only every Monday, to show how rebellious they are.

[New POD]

4 hours ago, sierraman said:

The Peoples Friend - About sixties or seventies woman, driving a Honda/Kia about 3 inch from the airbag, will not look either side as they are diligently checking the road ahead even though it’s clear for the next four miles. Usually found running errands taking dead relatives clothes to charity shops or nipping to the pharmacy. Car will have only done a stupidly low mileage but will have been serviced on the dot but it has never been over 38mph so it’s as tight as a trumpet. Without exception it is silver. 

Apart from.the gearbox linkage which is like that of an allegro due to.the number if times they change gear and the 3rd clutch which is new, and should last at least another 10k   

[New POD]

1 hour ago, lesapandre said:

I suppose that's good for the town if they are well behaved? Bring a bit of business? 

Older bikers - Department of Transport:

Over the 10-year period from 2011 to 2020, motorcyclist fatalities among the 55-and-older age group increased by 37 percent, from 1,087 to 1,486.

Solving the pensions crisis one hobby at a time. 

[dozeydustman]

5 hours ago, sierraman said:

The Peoples Friend - About sixties or seventies woman, driving a Honda/Kia about 3 inch from the airbag, will not look either side as they are diligently checking the road ahead even though it’s clear for the next four miles. Usually found running errands taking dead relatives clothes to charity shops or nipping to the pharmacy. Car will have only done a stupidly low mileage but will have been serviced on the dot but it has never been over 38mph so it’s as tight as a trumpet. Without exception it is silver. 

The driving style summed up 75% of the traffic I see on the M23 passing Gatwick, but the drivers tend to be a general mix of people.

[Adrian_pt]

Friday Polo on the M4: Polo crammed full of impossibly happy 20 year olds with signet rings and the sort of genetics that imply generations of right life choices. Inside filthy and full of clobber, tennis rackets, cartridges etc. Sticker on  the back saying "Exeter - probably the best university in the world" aping the Carlsberg logo. On the way to someone's country house for a festival / shoot. Next car will be a Golf, then an Audi A6 estate or a Discovery.  For bonus points, there's a yellow SMTC badge attached shonkily to the grille. 

[Soundwave]

Bit of a niche one, and a bit cheaty since it's technically not a road user, but...

The Phantom Emergency - only ever encountered after dark during November and December, and usually on twisty roads. As you approach a blind bend, you notice a flashing blue glow coming from around the corner. You pull over and wait, expecting an ambulance or police car to come barrelling around the corner at any moment. After a minute or so, the blue flash continues, but doesn't seem to have gotten any closer. You notice that it's pretty intense - perhaps there has been an incident around the corner, and multiple vehicles are in attendance. Unable to ignore your curiosity, you creep around the corner in 1st, bracing yourself for what scenes of horror might be unfolding on the road ahead...

... the road is totally clear, but some tasteless cunt has decked out their house with 20,000 "ice blue" LED Christmas lights, with every string of 50 flashing out of sync with the rest. Not only does it look shit, but to everyone within a 2-mile radius who can't see the house directly, it looks like the emergency response to a fucking plane crash is in progress. Inevitably, the house is a new build with visible cracks already appearing in the mortar and a financed Evoque outside. 



Please tell me it's not just me who's fallen for this before?