Grogee's spannering (Maestro , Corsa & Avensis). FONDLE MY PARTNER

[grogee]

I've been wanting to recreate this photo of my dear departed Dad's Maestro from 1986 for a while now. 

 

My half brother is visiting from USA and my sis lives in same village as stepmum so I persuaded them to pose for another pic 38 years after the original. 

[Low ontime]

I’m sure this went past me today…. Were you in Devon? 

[grogee]

13 hours ago, Low ontime said:

I’m sure this went past me today…. Were you in Devon? 

No I'm in Lincs at the moment. I may make it to Devon one day but the motorway drone is quite annoying (stupid stainless exhaust) so I haven't ventured that far yet. 

[grogee]

I've been away for a couple of nights and drove home this morning. I received a phone call from a number a vaguely recognised, so I answered. 

I was told by my garage rental agency that 'the padlock is missing from your garage, but the door is still down.'

Fuck. That where the Maestro is stored. 

I generally prefer MPGs to MPH and drive accordingly, but I engaged Super Pursuit Mode in the Avensis to get back to the garage PDQ, all the while fearing the worst. At one point, Master Grogee pointed out I was doing a Naughty Ninety 😮. 

What are the odds the car will still be there when I get to the garage? 

It's so bloody easy to steal, and I've got into a (bad) habit of not fitting the crook lock and handbrake/gear lock when it's stored in the garage. 

Surprisingly (or not, depending on your opinion of old BL shite) it was still there and appears fine. 

Kids with bolt cutters? Someone looking for something specific? Theives doing a recce? 

Who knows. Not taking any chances now. I'm going to add another lock (which is supposedly verboten according to rental contract, but fuck them) and I'll make sure to fit all the mechanical deterrents when I park it there. 

I've also just bought this. Suitably period-correct anti theft equipment, and it's nicely rusty, which matches my car. 

[High Jetter]

I'm familiar with plumbing lockshield valves, but that's a new one on me. How do you use it?

[grogee]

49 minutes ago, High Jetter said:

I'm familiar with plumbing lockshield valves, but that's a new one on me. How do you use it?

I don't actually know. 

I'm assuming it fits around the ignition barrel/key and electrical connector to prevent someone hot wiring it (unless they cut the wires elsewhere I guess). It should also prevent tampering with the steering lock I suppose. 

[MAF260]

It might also be worth pocketing something from the ignition side of the engine when you leave it so it can't be started? I know this is a more modern car so there may be nothing appropriate, but I recall my Dad removing the rotor arm from his Mk3 Cortina estate when the car was left for a few days when we went on a holiday 🤣

 

[grogee]

28 minutes ago, MAF260 said:

It might also be worth pocketing something from the ignition side of the engine when you leave it so it can't be started? I know this is a more modern car so there may be nothing appropriate, but I recall my Dad removing the rotor arm from his Mk3 Cortina estate when the car was left for a few days when we went on a holiday 🤣

 

The dizzy cap is held on with screws so it's slightly cumbersome to remove, but I could take the coil HT lead with me I suppose. And/or a relay or two. 

As detailed further up the thread, I did have a remote control Big Relay that cut the earth cable to the battery. But it failed, because China. 

[High Jetter]

Taking the king lead is an easy option

[Wibble]

I hate this, having to worry about a car because scum bags might take it. Had the same fears when notes left on the Senator, asking if I’d sell, never mind a padlock being cut. I was worried about banger boys taking it, still am. 
 What else can we do to keep them safe? Mine has battery removed and steering wheel clamp..

[Noel Tidybeard]

pull ecu fuse

starter wire on column switch is low power feed to sarter relay so is easy to cut and wire through a switch hidden in plain sight

the thing with monstro switches is they are easy to change from latched to momentary operation- on mine i had it so you had to turn key and hold a switch in

[grogee]

I quite like the idea of some security that doesn't involve lifting the bonnet and pulling bits out.

Good suggestions all, I can't quite remember but there's probably a blanking plug somewhere that I can replace with a fog light switch or similar to provide another line of defence as @Noel Tidybeard suggests.

I'm actually thinking a hidden switch for the ECU supply now, because presumably if you open the bonnet you'd be able to put a wire from battery +ve to starter solenoid, and turn the starter.

None of these measures are Fort Knox, but added together they make life more and more difficult for the thieving bastards which should ultimately put them off. 

I'm also thinking now that if I wind on full lock when car is parked in (very small) garage, plus steering lock and crook lock, it would be really hard to drag/push out of the garage. 

[MrBiscuits]

The old school solution from when your Maestro was new would've been a hidden key switch in the fuel pump feed. Though I reckon if you had anything they wanted it would be gone already. The type of crim busting locks off garages is rarely thinking beyond their next score.

Did they pop anyone else's door or were you targeted specifically?

Is there a market for hot Austin Rover parts? I can't imagine they'd want it for export or as a ringer or any of the usual reasons land rovers, minis and escorts disappear.

[grogee]

24 minutes ago, MrBiscuits said:

The old school solution from when your Maestro was new would've been a hidden key switch in the fuel pump feed. Though I reckon if you had anything they wanted it would be gone already. The type of crim busting locks off garages is rarely thinking beyond their next score.

Did they pop anyone else's door or were you targeted specifically?

Is there a market for hot Austin Rover parts? I can't imagine they'd want it for export or as a ringer or any of the usual reasons land rovers, minis and escorts disappear.

Two other garages in the block had their locks removed, so I'm guessing it was an opportunist attack. 

There is definitely a market for replacement Maestro rear arch panels, as none exist and every day that passes, each Maestro wheel arch dissolves a little more. Fortunately I don't have any of those.  

Can you imagine if I'd stored some sort of RS Ford in there? That would definitely have been pinched. I guess the BLARG shitness is its own theft deterrent. 

The rest of the garage contains other Maestro hoarded spares eg bonnet, wings, door, parcel shelf, wheel trims for the steelies and lots of engine/suspension bits and bobs. Not really hard currency for skagheads looking for their next hit. 

[EyesWeldedShut]

On electrical side - Noel TidyBeard's push to start suggestion is rather cunning  
My solution would be to key isolate the battery but that's fairly easily overcome if they have time and a spanner and can get under the bonnet
Physical - can you drop some sort of lockable post(s) one one or both sides of the garage door - my thoughts are that if 'they' rock up with a winch assisted beavertail then they'll just try to drag it out of the garage on skates and onto their transport 'as is' no matter how tricky you make it to actually drive it away on it's own four wheels - the more time delay you can build in the better.
First rule of property security - make it look like your neighbours' places are easier to screw over than yours?
 

<silly bit>
CCTV would be cool too - then you could share the video of their faces as they pop the up and over door expecting that there RS Loveliness and see ... a Maestro?
WTF is this thing M9?
Dunno - looks like a Montego shagged an Ambassador? 
WTF is a Montego?
Jamaica innit?
WTF is a Jamaica?
Pub in Cornwall innit?

et cetera et cetera 

 

 

[grogee]

Unrelated to scrote activity, I found my stale old fuel, perfect for testing my blow torch solder repair* on the motorbike fuel tank. 

I watched this for a few minutes and it's stayed dry, so I'm calling that a win. I'll sand it back a bit, then slap some primer on. It'll look shit which is fine because the rest of the bodywork is horrific. 

[IronStar]

Thieving cunts can piss off, that’s why we can’t have nice things.

I’m not going to help with saying this, but if they really want it, it’s already gone, and there’s exactly fuckall you can do about it. You can make their lives harder with a better lock on a door, fuel switch and pulling a fuse, but I’m yet to see a lock that doesn’t succumb to a battery powered grinder in less than 30 seconds, and a car that can’t be hooked up and towed away in another 30.
We confirmed this the hard way earlier this year when upwards of 15k€ of friend’s rims were nicked from the garage I share with two friends that we’re now winding down because of it. They could’ve taken his BMW e34 as well, the keys were next to it, but they decided it’s not worth the hassle and the noise.

You certainly can and should make their lives a bit harder with a hidden switch. Do you also have things like steering lock that goes into the steering column? It called by a company making them here, Zeder, but surely there’s an equivalent there? Also a blinking led of a (nonexistent) alarm system maybe? 

[NorfolkNWeigh]

Am I the only one old enough to remember Blackbird Leys in 1991 and the “birth” of joyriding in popular culture . A Maestro featured heavily in news reports of the day ironically a couple of miles from where they were built.

Apple AirTag hidden somewhere.

[grogee]

@NorfolkNWeigh I can picture the Blackbird Leys stock footage you'd see on BBC and ITV news bulletins, hot hatch (Maestro?) being handbrake turned and wheelspun in a cloud of smoke while scrotey youths look on.

I tried to find it on YouTube but failed. 

Related: A few months ago, I reversed my Maestro out of the garage and a couple of young lads were fiddling with their shit BMW 1-series outside the garage block. One commented: "I used to drive one of those - it wasn't mine though! Ho Ho!" 

I think the implication being that he'd nicked it. 

[grogee]

Slow news day in Grogee Towers. 

I'm supposed to be packing up my stuff ready for its new life in a shipping container on a farm. 

So obviously I'm on the sofa, watching England play cricket in the "summer" (the floodlights are on at Old Trafford).

I've just taken the spare tailgate to 'Tim', the local body wizard. He has plenty of shite in his workshop including a Clan Crusader, RS2000, Alfa something 70s and other rammel. 

He's not great on bedside manner, you'll get a suspicious glance from behind a roll-up, but he is artist-level with welding and paint. 

As he should be really. The closest I got to an estimate for welding and painting this tailgate is: "at least 500 quid. At least. " 

You get what you pay for. The work on the rest of the Maestro further up this thread was £1300ish but I've found a bit of evidence of corners cut, eg paint runs and over spray here and there. 

Most of all, I'm not in a rush for the tailgate. I can live with the current one for another 6 months, but the shower of bran flakes each time I open or close it is really pissing me off. 

Next job is to provide him with the fuel flap and paint code so he can achieve a paint match. 

Once that's done, I need to work out how the black plastic spoiler and strakes are held on, and replicate that on the newly fixed tailgate. 

The cherry on top will be the MG sticker and  '2.0i' sticker. I've got the former somewhere but still haven't found the latter. 

I'd like to transpose the original dealer sticker too, but I imagine it'll be quite brittle by now. I think someone else was looking for dealer sticker replicas... Make yourself known.

[High Jetter]

5 hours ago, grogee said:

I need to work out how the black plastic spoiler and strakes are held on, and replicate that on the newly fixed tailgate.

I have a very vague recollection that the strakes, at least, were stuck on.

[grogee]

Small update on motorbike. 

Tried the blowtorch and solder method to fix the hole. 

No dice - very slight weep so back to drawing board. 

Like a bellend, I'd put about 500ml of 'test fuel' in the tank to check for leaks. So of course, I'm now not able to use a blowtorch around the tank again, unless I fill it with water, which I definitely don't want to do (it's rusty enough as it is). 

However, plan B was to plug it with epoxy stuff. I decided that making the existing pinhole slightly bigger would help get the paste inside and around the hole to make sure it sealed. I drilled it about 3mm I think. 

Mixed up a bit and spread/pushed it over the hole then let it set. Hey presto - no leak! 

I'll sand it back to make it smooth-ish then slap some primer over it. 

[grogee]

Because I'm selling the house, I'll be losing access to driveway and tools for a while until I find a new place - ideally a 2 bed flat above a quadruple garage (I live in hope). 

Anyway I thought I'd use today's sparkling* weather to change the oil in the Avensis. It's probably done 5000 miles since I last did it, so arguably not necessary - but I don't know when I'll next be able to do it, so it seemed like a wise investment of spare time. 

The car came with 2 oil filters, one of which I'd already fitted so this time it was the turn of the Comline high quality* one. I'm sure it's fine but I generally shy away from their stuff, but I never say no to a freebie. Oil was Mannol's 7713 which is ACEA C3 and therefore not total shite. 

No pictures, just imagine a boring middle aged man underneath a boring Toyota in an unremarkable suburban cul-de-sac. 

Spill count: minimal. I'm slowly learning from my mistakes. 

Also swapped tyres front to rear, the one that's now on NSR isn't too pretty so I'll get a replacement when I'm not worrying about moving house admin. 

[grogee]

I brought the Maestro out of its garage today, there's a couple of little jobs I wanted to look at. I've been putting it off recently because of crap weather but got fed up with not being able to tinker. 

First job was to drain the coolant which was 'contaminated' with K-Seal. 

My theory is that the K-Seal has sealed the weep between block and head so I can now drain it out and put fresh stuff in that shouldn't clog the system. 

Also I was suspicious of the 'otter' switch - I wasn't convinced it was switching at the required temperature to kick the fan on. 

Finally the fan itself was running like shit when I manually switched it on - rumbly and clattery, not surprising as it's probably the original 36 year old unit. 

I do have spare fan assemblies (from an MGF) but they didn't quite fit in front of the rad so I had to get creative with the fan shroud to persuade it to fit. 

I also used SCIENCE to test the switch itself. Sure enough the original didn't switch even at 97 deg and the spare I had was also dead. I've ordered a Cambiere one from the bay for a tenner. If I can be bothered I'll use it to switch a relay instead of doing the switching itself - because I think the induction of the fan motor causes arcing which eventually kills the switch. 

Anyone wanting to try this - my kettle + glass bowl method didn't work. In the end I boiled some water on the stove to get a reliable 95°C+.

[grogee]

Following the attempted theft incident I got around to fitting this period lock shield on the ignition barrel. 

Absolutely it's not infallible, but it does prevent someone quickly ripping off the column shroud and then hot wiring the switch. And also prevents someone drilling out the steering lock. 

Unfortunately it wasn't 'plug and play'. 

Firstly it fouls on the bracket that supports the column shroud screw points. Secondly it gets in the way of the wiper stalk multiplug. And finally it fouls the column shroud itself. 

The part was listed for a Maestro/Montego, and it was near enough a snug fit. I ground out a slot to clear the shroud bracket, sliced off some plastic from the multiplug then re-sculpted the column shroud. 

I've also been sorting out some electrics. The rats nest behind the radio needed pulling out so that I can cure the low voltage to the dashcam feed. I've actually fitted a voltage converter to boost it to a steady 13.6v so the dashcam is happy (it doesn't draw a lot of current). 

Tomorrow I'll work out how to contain the voltage converter which was supplied as a PCB - I'll probably just wrap it in thick foam and stuff it behind the radio. It didn't seem to get hot in use. 

Trouble is, to get all the wiring secured behind the radio means pulling out one of the front seats. It's not a huge job, just a bit of a faff. Once it's out I can lie on the floor and see what I'm doing behind the radio and dashboard. 

Oh, also I changed the passenger side air vent as the old one was missing it's knob. 

I may get around to rerouting the tailpipe tomorrow, it's currently on the piss because it's a cut-down Montego system. My plan is to cut it off at the rear silencer, leaving a stub of about 2" that I can then clamp some tubes with a bend in them that I've bought. I have a selection so hopefully can get a decent looking result. 

[grogee]

Maestro zorst work. Before, the Montego-sourced stainless system poked out at a jaunty angle like this:

I think the main reason I've been putting this off is because it involves hacksawing the tailpipe and as we all know, it's easy to cut material off but very difficult to replace it - even if you have access to a welder, which I don't. 

Basically I cut the tailpipe off 2" behind the hanger bracket then slid over this piece of stainless pipe I had left over from a previous project. 

It's still not perfectly centred in the bumper cut-out but I carefully* reprofiled it so it doesn't rub on the bumper. It also now exits straight and level, which it didn't before. 

It'll do:

[JMotor]

Looking far better with that new tailpipe.

Mine had a similar awful looking clip on job. Threw that in the bin nearly straight away!

[Stinkwheel]

The words Maestro and Exhausts dont go together. I think anything that sits basically in the cut out of the bumper is good enough. Mind you the Maestro that lives here has an exhaust made up of diesel sections and both 1.6 and 1.3 petrol sections as i just bought what i could get hold of and cut/weld/jiggery pokery-ed it all together.

As always @grogee you are doing good work bettering your rather lovely example of the marque 

[grogee]

Thanks @Stinkwheel and @JMotor.

None of these jobs are essential really, they're just rolling the turd in glitter. But I've got a quiet period at work so rather than use the time sensibly to pack house possessions, I'm fiddling about with BL shite. 

One of the jobs I was contemplating doing this winter was removing the rear beam, front suspension arms and ARB to get them shot blasted and repainted. However that comes with a fairly large dose of 'immobile car headache' and also I just had a good look at the rear beam and it isn't terrible. Certainly not pretty after 36 years but there's still a decent amount of original paint coverage. 

I think those 'deep impact' jobs will have to wait until I've got my own space where I can leave an immobile hulk for an extended period. 

Ideally I'd like to do this over winter when I wouldn't be driving the car anyway. 

The other major outstanding job is to replace the tailgate (detailed above) but this is at least now in progress with Grumpy Tim. 

[Noel Tidybeard]

umm you do know the fan switch works at about 101/102℃