Brown as fuck: 2001 BMW X5 3.0 - Exxon5!

[cort16]

Do you play the guitar Kiltox? I saw this picture of a new Stratocaster model and thought of you for some reason

 

[Kiltox]

I don’t however a lot of famous guitar players want what I’m selling

[Dan_ZTT]

I don’t however a lot of famous guitar players want what I’m selling

You sell cocaine and hookers?

[Kiltox]

You sell cocaine and hookers?

Oooo, I could branch out into the latter

[Kiltox]

Demonstrated “full X5 cunt” at its finest the other night - the business park my other half works in has one road out and people trying to turn onto it from both sides of an access road.

 

Unwritten rule is “merge in turn” from both sides of the road, one after the other.

 

Dickhead in his 10 plate Fiat 500 thought he was going to ignore this - why would he let that wanker in his flash BMW in front of him?

 

I think he noticed the “51” on the plate at the 11th hour as I almost collected his front bumper - OH SHIT ITS ACTUALLY AN OLD BANGER HE DOESNT CARE ABOUT AND ITS 5x THE SIZE OF ME

 

Yeah I’m a prick. I’m fine with that.

[beko1987]

I do the same every night leaving work by sticking half out over this roundabout to stop the wankers trying to go straight on from the left only lane

 

 

The ensuing gap created when said dickhead falter and block the traffic as they try to get across to the correct lane creates a nice gap to get out of! Never takes long when that happens. Again I usually stand out like your self with 'ffs that's old, he won't care if I hit him' kicking in

[SierraMikeHotel]

I bloody hate it when I'm somewhere new and there's a weird junction with weird rules. 99% of the time you can use the left lane to go straight on at roundabouts and traffic lights, and the 1% only ever have an arrow painted on the ground where you can't see it under the traffic.

[beko1987]

Yep, then all the bloody locals screw your day up by proving points! Bastards

[Fat_Pirate]

I had a dream I bought this last night!  I was sat in it at night, in the rain, in the middle of nowhere.  It wouldn't start - just span over and didn't fire at all.  I kept trying, and the spinning got slower and slower.  I had a huge feeling of despair and the brown seats offered no comfort.  This is probably my subconscious trying to warn me off as I had an E39 530D which did this in the middle of a busy crossroads in Guildford (when one of the fuel pumps failed), then again at speed in the outside lane of the M3 (when the tank pump started to fail).  Joy, as the adverts used to say.

 

My only other Autoshite-related dream was when I met Junkman - it turned out he was a alpha-male mid-20s car salesman with a MASSIVE tie.  He was trying to browbeat me into buying an Audi A3 but all I could do was stare at his huge tie, and wondered if it was actually a curtain or something.

[Kiltox]

That’s fucking ace. Get it bought.

[rantingYoof]

I bloody hate it when I'm somewhere new and there's a weird junction with weird rules. 99% of the time you can use the left lane to go straight on at roundabouts and traffic lights, and the 1% only ever have an arrow painted on the ground where you can't see it under the traffic.

Milton Keynes would do your nut in; lots of left only left-hand lanes which suddenly appear as you near the end of the dual carriageway on the approach to the roundabout, with the middle and right being straight on.

 

I had an interesting experience trying to keep up with my mate out of Milton Keynes on the way back from the famous* krooze that used to take place once a week.

 

It was him in a Mini 1275 GT (I *think*) and me in a Rover 825 Sterling. He basically did 50mph all the way to the M1, including every roundabout of course, whereas I yoyo'ed between using shift lock onto every dual carriageway to quickly reach absolutely no faster than the speed limit and pushing the brake pedal through the bulk head to navigate each roundabout successfully at around 15mph.

 

This is the same guy also maintained a good gap between his 1.8TD Mondeo estate and a following Porsche 911 on exciting rural Yorkshire roads so there were really a number of reasons as to why I wasn't surprised to be beaten to the M1 by matter of minutes.

 

Anyway, pretty much every post Kiltox makes on his X5 makes me laugh out loud so yeah... *thread like function required*

[Stroller133]

I bloody hate it when I'm somewhere new and there's a weird junction with weird rules. 99% of the time you can use the left lane to go straight on at roundabouts and traffic lights, and the 1% only ever have an arrow painted on the ground where you can't see it under the traffic.

The A46/A6 roundabout north of Leicester is a strange one. On my route I have to leave the A46 go straight on the roundabout and then get back on the A46 heading the same way and then take an exit off the entry slip road. The exit slip road is 3 lanes wide with the left and centre lanes being LEFT exit ONLY. The 3rd, right hand lane can also be for the left Exit and for straight on and right. Ive developed a sixth sense of knowing whether the car in the centre lane is going left as they should or actually going to cut me up, also whether they are going to race away and I’ll let them go first or whether they will dawdle a drive got time to speed away and get of their way.

[Pillock]

Yeah, to be fair that junction is a mystery to most people, including me. I figured they got some squirrels smashed out of their faces on LSD and let them loose with the lane marking machines.

 

I take the approach of floor it and try to get to the decision point first, obvs I'm in a BMW so I've got more right to whatever lane I want anyway. Failing that at least the accident will make for decent Instagram photos.

[bangernomics]

I do the same every night leaving work by sticking half out over this roundabout to stop the wankers trying to go straight on from the left only lane

 

Screenshot_20181205-071024.jpg

 

The ensuing gap created when said dickhead falter and block the traffic as they try to get across to the correct lane creates a nice gap to get out of! Never takes long when that happens. Again I usually stand out like your self with 'ffs that's old, he won't care if I hit him' kicking in

It was known as the depreciation game when I was a true bangernomics advocate.

[mrbenn]

99% of the time you can use the left lane to go straight on at roundabouts and traffic lights, and the 1% only ever have an arrow painted on the ground where you can't see it under the traffic.

 

So many of those around here. It's almost like the lane system has been designed by someone that doesn't actually use a car.

[Ohdearme]

As the Mondeo is moving on, I was looking for more cars I don't need and came across this...in the absence of anywhere else to put it, I thought this thread may appreciate the inspired* trim and colour combinations.

 

Red Alfa, two tones of wood and blue leather, green footwells...not quite your club lounge, but still...

 

https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/392190709677

[hairnet]

Mr kiltox

 

Is there any way if getting cheltnum without going thru new street from the north

 

Ta

[Kiltox]

Mr kiltox

 

Is there any way if getting cheltnum without going thru new street from the north

 

Ta

That would be the most common way to go - I wouldn’t imagine many train services from the north don’t go via Brum

[Kiltox]

Shite brothers in arms - not as bASey as I thought looking at it again though

 

 

Also loserone is going to lynch me for using my three litre beater to get to the station this morning I’m sure.

[loserone]

You need a BEV to go with it.

[Kiltox]

You need a BEV to go with it.

But I do 9999 miles a day m8

 

(Id love one, nowhere to charge one though )

[Isaac Hunt]

173F5B2B-E076-48AB-8C18-9DECFF65C379.png

?!?

Got to be fekkin brave to take it back to a BMW stealer, they won't have a job card big enough for all the 'faultswot we found' to be written down

[Guest Hooli]

Got to be fekkin brave to take it back to a BMW stealer, they won't have a job card big enough for all the 'faultswot we found' to be written down

 

Worth it for shits n giggles I'd have thought.

[Kiltox]

This decided to wish me a very fucking merry Christmas on Sunday by lighting the traction control, ABS and yellow brake warning lights.

 

Gone again yesterday. Fingers crossed it just had a senior moment.

 

Funny really that I’ve been less stressed at it doing so than any other car I’ve ever known - expected it.

[Cheggers]

This decided to wish me a very fucking merry Christmas on Sunday by lighting the traction control, ABS and yellow brake warning lights.

 

Gone again yesterday. Fingers crossed it just had a senior moment.

 

Funny really that I’ve been less stressed at it doing so than any other car I’ve ever known - expected it.

It may have just been an ABS sensor having a wobble and deciding to give you the full Christmas tree impression.

[Guest Hooli]

Lack of electrickery from short trips? it seems to upset most cars around this age.

[BavarianRetro]

I'm afraid a simple sensor won't *normally* throw all three lights.

[Fat_Pirate]

Every time this thread is updated I have to check it to see if this heap is for sale... not that I want it or anything.  Sounds fucked, tbh, but in the spirit of this forum I would be prepared to give you a few hundred quid for it.

[Kiltox]

The battery is a bit wank - I’ve had to jump start it a couple of times after sitting for slightly too long with the radio / lights on (10 minutes not ages)

[Guest Hooli]

The battery is a bit wank - I’ve had to jump start it a couple of times after sitting for slightly too long with the radio / lights on (10 minutes not ages)

 

I'd blame that then. I know my Jag (same sorta age) is very sensitive to low voltages. I've had the same 'three amigos' appear after a few short trips & I recall Richardthestag had the same.

 

I guess moderner (2001 is still new to me) stuff needs less electrickery to run all the gizmos.