New members, introduce yourself here.

[matty879]

i had it off a guy from mumbles,it was signwritten morriston service centre.

[DodgyBastard]

  On 25/01/2016 at 19:16, Buzz1024 said:

Hello fellow shiters - its not really a collection of shite at the moment although im proudto admit that ive had lots of real shit over the years. Currently have a P38 Range Rover, a Camel Trophy Discovery 300tdi and a Mercedes V220 Ambiente - the posh w638 Vito

Im considering flogging the Merc and partaking in something crap to play around with - I've got a fancy for a Lada at the moment or Mk1 Mondeo estate.

 

What you need is a Renault 18 gtd with a similar registration to your fathers company car that he had back in the day!

[kee616]

Hello all auroshiter's!

i had a shite citroen zx in what was white, now treated myself to a peugoet 405!

was my mechanics and hes replaced just about everything on it in the last 24 months on the piece of shite so mechanically sound if thats possible!

what remains of the shite diablo red paintwork has been covered in vinyls by my mechanic which is a red cameo finish lol 

[DodgyBastard]

Did it have 20p jammed in the handbrake?

[Guest Aunty Lockbrakes]

Hello from New Zealand, newbie here!

 

Plenty of shite on the roads here!  Alas not mine.  Am just a keen shite-spotter, with the desire to dabble one day, although my mechanical skills are BASIC to say the least.  Willing to lend a hand to any Shiters in the vicinity or passing through.  My first car was a 1989 Ford Fiesta Ghia - shite enough?!

[Guest Breadvan72]

  On 24/01/2016 at 17:02, Longblackcoat said:

...

 

That said, I've had some seriously shit cars over the years. Happy to tell you all about the appalling Visa if anyone cares, or the truly terrible Cadillac Seville.

 

 

TELL!

[Hiram K Hackenbacker]

Hello,

 

If you will have me, I would like to introduce myself.

 

I have been a perennial chod owner for several years having owned several Peugeots (106,306,207), and was brought up on family Maestros, Montegos and Rovers, which I still have a closet hankering for. These last few years I have been mostly buying Audis.

 

I bought my black 90 Quattro in 2007 as replacement for an older E-reg 90 that I had owned since 2000.I have been using it up till recently as my daily driver to and from work, and have fitted heated leather seats and various other bits and pieces to it over the years. It is a great car and I hope to keep it for a good while, being galvanised, OMGRUST isn't too much of a worry thankfully. The local cats like it too, as you can see from the picture.

 

The A4 Turdy-Eye is a more recent purchase, based on the premise that diesels are reliable*. Since I bought it in July I have had all the dash and carpets out, replaced the heater matrix, water pump, OMGHGF, timing belt and header tank as it was bubbling exhaust into the coolant. All back together now but nursing an intermittent immobiliser problem which adds an element of Russian Roulette to every journey whenever the key is turned... Also without a regular dose of Mr Muscle the turbo sometimes sticks.

[stripped fred]

Welcome! I'm a closet A4 fan too having owned one of the last B5 estates with the 115 PD engine. It was a paragon of reliability and I took it past 200k without fault. The best car I ever had until something snapped in the engine at 201k dashing my hopes of seeing it to 300k miles which was my intention. My turbo also used to stick now and again and go into limp mode. Turning it off and on again used to fix it and I think it liked a good thrashing to free it up a bit. They are a good, well made car though and there are a lot about with huge mileages. Look forward to hearing about yours on here.

[Hiram K Hackenbacker]

Cheers! it is slowly gaining my affection, sorry to hear yours met an (un)timely end.

 

Yeah turning it off and on works, but it eventually gets to the point where you are running with just the unassisted engine alone, especially if you run it round town a lot. Plus I couldn't do it mid journey as the immobiliser would get me...

 

Spraying Mr Muscle oven cleaner down the egr flange feels deliciously pikey and has given me several months of diesel turbo action so far!

[Skizzer]

  On 02/02/2016 at 17:08, Hiram K Hackenbacker said:

Spraying Mr Muscle oven cleaner down the egr flange feels deliciously pikey and has given me several months of diesel turbo action so far!

Excellent, I think you're going to fit in well here...

 

I had a B5 saloon with those wheels once, a 1.8T petrol. They're great wheels.

[scottyp27]

Hello autoshiters only discovered this forum a couple of weeks ago and been on here alot since loving the quality of shite on here. I'm from swansea and just thought I'd introduce myself. The biggest piece of shite I have at the moment is my mk3 golf gti thinking of taking it off the road soon to sort out the arches and sills and got an eye on a zx turbo diseasle for my 50 mile a day commute just wanted to know what they are like if anyone has any advice. Cheers

[Longblackcoat]

  On 30/01/2016 at 10:22, Breadvan72 said:

TELL!

 

 

Every so often a GM executive gets out of their office and starts buying crack. After ingesting a whole shitload, they start to fantasise about what might be, what they’d like to do. You know, “heey, maybe we could do a jet-powered car†or “why not three-wheel drive?â€

 

After they’ve got utterly wasted, tried every combination of every known drug, gone through all the usual levels of insanity and inanity and are at the point of eating their own head, they’re so convinced of their own stupid plans that they start to type stupid emails to their underlings, ordering them to do mad things “AT ALL POSSIBLE SPEEDâ€. Luckily, said underlings know their bosses well enough to ignore all emails sent under the influence of drooooooogs.

 

Except that some people can be quite convincing, and make what appears, at first sight, to be a sensible business case.

 

And thus it was that in 1998 some mixture of narcotics, management fuckup and an impish sense of humour from one of the underling types led to GM deciding to manufacture RHD cars. After all, you might say, about one quarter of the world’s drivers use RHD cars, and Cadillac were selling no cars there. But they’d certainly looked at Audi, Mercedes and BMW and aped them in the styling and design. Sort of. In a comparative sense, assuming that comparison was to the old boats from prior Detroit ages.

 

So, they reasoned, why not sell some of those fine Yerpeen type cars – those lovely compact sports cars we make – to said Yerpeens. In that there right hand drive.

 

As a result, Cadillac sprang into action and started cranking out the Cadillac STS in RHD form. Dealers were set up, tests were done, the press were alerted that the super-sophisticated Yanks were coming, with quality motors that the Europeans would love. The GM execs were rubbing their hands with glee, awaiting the flood of orders that would surely follow. After all, the car was fast, luxurious, had the rather wonderful Northstar V8, and had suspension tuned for European tastes. It had even been tested at the Nurburgring, though whether this was for spelling or arithmetic rather than the more normally expected handling was never fully established.

 

Hmm. Reality wasn’t kind. The Cadillac STS indeed arrived with the Northstar, loads of electronic toys, the world’s most kickass stereo system, and even had a compass built into the rear view mirror. All of this for £40k, which was about two-thirds of the price of en equivalent Mercedes S Class. The problem was that the lovely V8 engine was driving the front wheels rather than the rear, the car was a sort of reverse Tardis in that it was 5.1 metres long but didn’t have all that much rear space, and the interior. Well, I could write a whole chapter on the interior. It was the sort of car that looked to have two, (or even three) controls for a function where any other car would have just one. Simply to adjust the mirrors took a myriad of buttons, and the same applied throughout. It was as if someone had taken a bunch of not-very-nice-to-touch controls and just fired them randomly at the Toyota Camry-alike dashboard.

 

Let’s summarise. It was petrol-only – 15mpg was about as good as it would ever get as an average -  was bigger on the outside/smaller on the inside than its competitors, had super-bland looks, a Fisher-Price interior, zero premium brand connotations, and was launched at a time when mid-sized cars – Audi A6 and BMW E39 as prime examples – were becoming real challengers to their full-sized stablemates. Basically, the Seville STS has as much chance of scoring a big hit in the UK market as Katie Price singing her Eurovision number. In Britain, all the American-car enthusiasts like them precisely because they’re American, which means LHD, and the bigger the better. Smaller (if you can call a 5.2 metre car small) and right had drive buttered no parsnips for these people, and accordingly the sales, which peaked at 127 in 1999, were abysmal.

 

So why am I telling you this? Well, at one point my wife was working for the UK division of a US-owned organisation. Head of said UK division was a proper yee-haa Merican, the sort that believes any form of assimilation with the host nation is frankly just giving in. So this guy had cowboy boots, a selection of tragic hats and, yes, insisted on driving a Cadillac STS. Obviously this was a massively good business decision, because the car that was £40k to start dropped to a market value of £5k within three years. And then he was binned. No-one in the office wanted the car, so it sat there in the car park for a couple of months. At that point I figured that if I could get it cheaply enough I could make a turn on it, and anyway, I could say I’d had a Cadillac.

 

If it was worth £5k, I thought I better go in low, so I offered £3k. They wanted it gone, so after some hard negotiation which lasted around 10 seconds, the car was mine for £3k. Brucie bonus, right?

 

Not quite. First impressions were that (a) it was a nasty shade of bottle green ( the tan leather didn’t help things. Things got worse once I started driving. I should stress that this car was super-reliable, nothing went wrong, and that in a straight line it was great. Show it anything like some bumps and/or corners, however, and things changed. It wallowed. It torque-steered like a bastard. The steering provided less feel and sensitivity than a concrete condom. The traction control cut in every half a second – hardly a surprise with 300+hp through the front wheels, in the wet. You had to press about 16 different buttons to adjust the seat. And driving it the way I used my other car at the time, an Audi A6 3.0 quattro (hardly the most economical of cars), I got 13mpg whilst simply not enjoying it. Then again, it had a CD, cassette AND Mini-Disc player, and the sound system could such the air out of your lungs, so it wasn’t entirely awful.

 

I’d held out hopes of it being vaguely usable for a while, of driving it for six months or so and letting it slowly charm its way into my life, but after a week I realised it was simply a boring fridge whose only real point of interest was that it was actually quite quick, if unruly. And that really, I’d bought something as tedious as a Nissan Maxima or a Toyota Camry. So I flogged it to a dealer for as much as I could, and doubled my money.

 

The car was still there on his forecourt a year later, when the price had come down to what the dealer had paid me.

 

[Edited to add]

 

If ever you want to know what it's like being both pitied and laughed at, Doctor Longblackcoat recommends an intensive course of Cadillac STS.

 

I'd forgotten the barely-hidden laughs from people when they heard what I'd bought. If it'd been 20 years older it would have picked up a patina of 'odd but interesting' but bear in mind this car was virtually new - just 4 years old - and so it looked like I'd chosen it either becoz kwollity wheelz innit bruv and I wanted to live the chav dream, or because I wanted to display my total ignorance of both automotive design and real-world economics. Yeah, there are those who claim that they don't give a stuff about image, they just drive what they want to ........ but no-one - and I mean NO-ONE - really wants to be thought of as an utter knob.

[Carlosfandango]

Hey. I think this is the place I'm supposed to say hello?

Based in Dublin, I rather like owning many shite cars. Currently I've a few and the addiction doesn't seem to be getting any better. It seems the older I get, the more shite I want to actually own.

 

My daily is a '92 Mercedes S124 (the estate thing) with a wheezy 2.0 four pot.

It's gold..

There are many, many things I've fixed on this car. There are still more but then it wouldn't be a bag of shite if there wasn't things to fix on it right?

Wonderful site. I've been lurking for a while, I may as well make some useless contributions.

 

Carry on.

 

CFD

[Flossy]

Hello Autoshite! Found this website about a year ago through Mr_Bo11ox's tat thread on Retro Rides. Went from lurking there to lurking here. Currently drive a Volvo v40, and now I have the room at home I'm ready to dive into multiple shite ownerage (hopefully large and of the swedish variety)

[KruJoe]

Wow, my cat has signed up!
 

 

This is Flossy, my current MEKANIK KITTEH. Can't wait to get home and see her new V40!

[D Spares & Tyres]

V40? Is that a new form from DVLA regarding kitten taxation?

[KruJoe]

V40 was once voted "Prettiest Estate Car in the World" by someone somewhere.

[cms206]

  On 10/02/2016 at 12:36, KruJoe said:

V40 was once voted "Prettiest Estate Car in the World" by someone somewhere.

Me, I think.

[3VOM]

  On 10/02/2016 at 07:20, KruJoe said:

 

 

"Watch me flick this washer where he'll never find it."

[Robson3022]

Ola!!

 

Managed to find my way here via Retro Rides. Seems top banana so far.

 

I have a throughly rubbish Passat 2.0 n/a the one only idiots bought new!! And apparently after that as well.

 

Looking for a bit of a project to tinker with for over the summer therefore my autoshite collection will grow!!!

[D Spares & Tyres]

  On 10/02/2016 at 12:36, KruJoe said:

V40 was once voted "Prettiest Estate Car in the World" by someone somewhere.

The mother of the bloke who designed it I assume

[Essex V6]

  On 29/01/2016 at 21:16, Aunty Lockbrakes said:

Hello from New Zealand, newbie here!

 

Plenty of shite on the roads here!  Alas not mine.  Am just a keen shite-spotter, with the desire to dabble one day, although my mechanical skills are BASIC to say the least.  Willing to lend a hand to any Shiters in the vicinity or passing through.  My first car was a 1989 Ford Fiesta Ghia - shite enough?!

Whereabouts in Nyoo Zillind are you based Aunty?

[Guest Hooli]

Afternoon all,

 

It's been suggested I talk to you folks by several people on Pistonheads....

 

I rather suspect my glorious example of french autoshiteyness is more suited to this forum. It's a 2001 Laguna 1.8 Dynamic in a state estate.

 

I was given this car at the beginning of the month & so far it's actually worked ok quite a few times which has surprised me. However in typical french fashion it's raised a white flag at the first opportunity. Since getting it I've put new discs & pads on the rear, new pads in the front, along with cleaning & gapping the plugs. Oh & a thermostat. This seemed to work & it actually stopped on command, run on four cylinders without spluttering under any load etc

 

However last night I hit a pothole that buckled an alloy, already ordered a replacement with tyre for £30 off ebay. This was enough to piss me off as the tyre was good & I only hit the damn hole at about 30mph. So this morning when it was booked in for MOT (did I mention that runs out today?) it wouldn't start.

 

Any clues to this?

 

The dashboard warning lights (STOP, oil & a few others) are lit even with the keycard out & the car locked. It spins over fine when the start button is pressed but doesn't fire at all. There is a buzzing hum from the throttle body area like a relay that isn't working right.

 

My first thoughts are dodgy earth or connection to the immobiliser circuit or whatever controls all that gumpf. I read the haynes manual that came free with the car & it seems like I can disconnect bugger all without things needing reprogramming so unsure where to start. Currently the plan is try to get the ECU out & check for water ingress as it's under the battery & check the earths in the driver's footwell as the multi-timer control unit is down there. Already checked all fuses etc are ok & I know the battery is good.

[Noel Tidybeard]

check if you triggered fuel cut-off

[Jim Bell]

Check to see if it's a Laguna.

[Crusty Sills]

  On 17/02/2016 at 15:22, Hooli said:

Afternoon all,

 

It's been suggested I talk to you folks by several people on Pistonheads....

 

I rather suspect my glorious example of french autoshiteyness is more suited to this forum. It's a 2001 Laguna 1.8 Dynamic in a state estate.

 

 

However last night I hit a pothole that buckled an alloy, already ordered a replacement with tyre for £30 off ebay. This was enough to piss me off as the tyre was good & I only hit the damn hole at about 30mph.

 

 

 

You may want to order another wheel whilst you about it! I got through 3 in my Scenic over the course 3 years. Then it ate its turbo!

They really are made of toffee!

 

Oh and welcome to the stupidity.

[Jimbo]

Hi

 

My name is Jimbo, over the year I driven some chod, thankfully not so much now although I do own a Opel Monza as a weekend/I don't use it much car.

 

I've been lurking here for a while soaking up the atmosphere and all round light hearted (re.pisstaking) chat.

 

Hope to talk shite to you all soon.

 

Jimbo.

[GoGently]

Hi All ,

 

New to Auto Shite & just wondering if anyone has experienced, well I suppose you would call it Car Hate Messages that are left on your screen underneath the wiper blade for one to discover the next morning. I have two old Citroens & both have received a collection of notes left by an unknown neighbour like " Crappy Citroen " & Steptoe's scrappiest.

What should I do?

 

Go Gently.

 

Xsara off road Gasser being fixed

 

ZX Crappy Citroen

 

BX Steptoe's car

 

Bijou off road saved from becoming a three wheeler

 

Picture is Scrapped Xsara series one automatic  ( try find another one !)

 

 

 

[Lord Sterling]

Stick a note in the screen saying "get a life you sad wanker" ?

[D Spares & Tyres]

Someone wrote 'loser' in the dirt on the back window of a Citroen ZX of mind a couple of years back.

 

It was in a town where I don't know anyone so couldn't of been a friend or enemy