What makes you grin? Antidote to grumpy thread

[Alexg]

Just watching Matty Jarvis get a run out for England. Being a Gillingham fan it's good to see one of our own making it into the big time

[Guest Leonard Hatred]

[Station]

^ That's excellent!

[Negative Creep]

For the last 2 weeks I've been working replying to letters and emails about the local train company. I must say I have had some brilliant complaints thus far, including:

 

- The buffet was closed so I had to get a Subway once I got off the train, I enclose the receipt for a refund

- My son had his headphones on so didn't hear the announcements. Please make them louder

- Travelling on this service is worse than the ones that went to Auschwitz

- The train keeps changing gear [?] outside my house, please tell him to stop

- I forgot my railcard but had a picture of it on my phone. Why would the guard not accept it?

- If I get a [unspecified] train can you guarantee it won't be late and I won't have to stand?

- The rugby fans keep throwing rubbish on the track near my house, can you stop them doing this?

- The cleaner threw my lunch in the bin, please compensate me for it

- The trolley didn't carry sweeteners and I'm diabetic

 

Since I never have to speak to anyone directly it is a lot easier telling them to get lost

[Mr H Sceptre]

Simca passed its MOT & has had a service. Purring like a little French kitten.

 

[Lord Sterling]

For the last 2 weeks I've been working replying to letters and emails about the local train company. I must say I have had some brilliant complaints thus far, including:

 

- The buffet was closed so I had to get a Subway once I got off the train, I enclose the receipt for a refund

- My son had his headphones on so didn't hear the announcements. Please make them louder

- Travelling on this service is worse than the ones that went to Auschwitz

- The train keeps changing gear [?] outside my house, please tell him to stop

- I forgot my railcard but had a picture of it on my phone. Why would the guard not accept it?

- If I get a [unspecified] train can you guarantee it won't be late and I won't have to stand?

- The rugby fans keep throwing rubbish on the track near my house, can you stop them doing this?

- The cleaner threw my lunch in the bin, please compensate me for it

- The trolley didn't carry sweeteners and I'm diabetic

 

Since I never have to speak to anyone directly it is a lot easier telling them to get lost

 

Lol! I was actually offered a job like a fair few years ago, dont remember why I didnt get it. How did you come by this job NC? Agency or good ole' fashioned CV/Letter/Interview etc......?

[wuvvum]

- The train keeps changing gear [?] outside my house, please tell him to stop

 

 

Didn't think there were still any geared trains still in service. Unless they mean the torque converter locking up on a diesel-hydraulic drive.

[Negative Creep]

I know nothing about trains but preusme they don't have a car like gearbox. I'm guessing said complaint could be about air brakes? I got the job through an agency but it's only temporary and they will "assess the situation" next week. In other job news I haven't heard back from the people who asked me when I could attend an interview, to which I replied any time. Fucks sake.

[Richard]

The drivers are probably opening the throttle to prepare for an incline. I'm not sure of the terminology but I think it involves notches.

[Guest]

I'm diabetic

 

I've lost count of the number of total twats I've had to deal with who use 'being diabetic' as an excuse to be complete wankers \ have enormous hissy fits \ generally act like arseholes \ expect special treatment. It's funny how the people who aren't fat twats* (and whom actually inherited the disorder) just get on and deal with it, isn't it? If your letter writer was seriously afflicted, he \ she would carry insulin with them as a matter of necessity.

 

Sorry if I've offended anyone on here, just my two bits. I genuinely sympathise with anyone who has health problems, but it doesn't mean you can milk the situation for all it's worth. I could bang on about fake and actual dyslexia (i.e. laziness versus learning difficulties) all day long to be honest.

 

*And yes, I'm a fat cunt, but I don't use a debilitating illness as a means of justifying it. Or do I try and palm my size off as being 'unlucky in the gene pool'. I had a massive row with some daft prick who argued that obesity was genetic. Because I'm on the large side, she thought I'd sympathise. I didn't. We are the size we are because we eat shit and don't exercise. Yes metabolism is significant, but you can still overcome it.

 

Arrrgh.

[Negative Creep]

Ah yes but it's glandular. The fact you never seem to see any fat Africans must be a coincidence

 

 

Also, you'd be amazed at how many people can't travel due to a death in the family, or were making that journey to go to a very important meeting/funeral/visit a dying relative

[pogweasel]

That job sounds well good.

 

I would love to spend all day writing sarcastic piss-taking responses to whinging prats pointless witterings.

[Guest]

I'd be great at that, I love using the word "regrettable".

[Negative Creep]

Unfortunately you have to stick to the standard text although I'm not sure how closely they monitor it. To be fair there are a lot of times where I'd give money back but policy says no, so if I were a customer I'd be pissed off.

 

It won't last that long though as it's in the middle of being outsourced to, you guessed it, India. Except in their wisdom the company offered redundancies to most of the full time staff, realised the Indians couldn't cope with a lot of the cases so panicked and brought us in. For instance, I did hear about a woman who wrote in mentioning that she'd recently lost her husband. The Indian rep then replied with "oh, I hope you found him again"

[trigger]

I just had to laugh, I just saw an advert on TV for a weekly magazine which has a part of a Mclaren F1 car in it each week, In big writing it says 1st issue only £1.99 but in smaller writing in the corner it reads "Normal price £7.99 - 85 Issues", That's £679.15 to make your own model F1 car!!

[mnde]

Two things made me grin today:

 

On my way home from work: the bint in the red '07 Corsa who, waiting to turn right out of a side road on the right ahead of me, pulled out at the last minute and suffered the "ignominy" of being beeped and flashed at in unison by some old French tin: a Renault 5 on one side (who was coming the other way and had to brake quite sharply) and a Citroen BX on the other (me). Told her! FRENCH SHITE UNITE.

 

(I was nearly totalled by a dizzy girl in a Volvo estate a few months ago who pulled out right from the same road on my right in the pouring rain and made me do an emergency stop because she "didn't see me coming" (with lights on) - so I'm wary now and start slowing down earlier when I see someone waiting there..)

 

Also this "thought for the day" that came at the end of a funny forward I got at work:

 

"Some people are like slinkies - not really good for anything but they bring a smile to your face when pushed down the stairs".

 

 

Mark.

[dollywobbler]

Sorry Hip, but I think you'll find that Autoshite and exercise go together like a serving of rare steak at a vegetarian conference.

[pogweasel]

[Guest]

Watched someone I dislike intensely walk into a lamp post.

 

Yeah, I did laugh.

[Mr H Sceptre]

Watched someone I dislike intensely walk into a lamp post.

 

Yeah, I did laugh.

 

[CreepingJesus]

- The train keeps changing gear [?] outside my house, please tell him to stop

 

 

Didn't think there were still any geared trains still in service. Unless they mean the torque converter locking up on a diesel-hydraulic drive.

 

To the best of my knowledge, there aren't. Many of those DMU's ^ and their ilk, used the old SCG (Self Changing Gears) semi-auto 'box. Knock the power handle up a few notches in 1st, and off you go. When the torque converter locks (or peak revs happen), go up a gear, and so on. Many buses had the same system, and the same Gardner/Leyland/AEC engine choice too.

Oddly, the point of shifting to 2nd gear used to happen outside my kitchen window, quite regularly, when I lived in Burntisland: there's a bit of a climb away from the station, and if they were well loaded in the morning, there could be a perceptible second or two's lag on Scotrail's old nails, while the gear went thro'.

Which is how I came to expose myself (fully) to the passengers of the 0715 to Waverley one time. Somewhat the worse for wear after a lock-in at the Smuggler's Inn, I was struggling to get ready for work. Just out of the bath, dripping wet, trying to make tea and a bacon roll, not really focussed on getting dressed yet...you get the picture.

I can only imagine the driver expected to see my other half in that state, which would have been an infintely more pleasant sight...!

 

Oh, and the partworks thing: I laughed too. Mostly because I used to man the desk in a newsagents. In all the time I worked there, only two people ever completed one. One was the Complete John Wayne - a snip at around £500, the other a plane arium which came out at around £440. Most folk gave up around issue 7/8. And the back issues are a bastard to get from wholesalers. I know - I tried!

[ashmicro]

Our local newsagent is owned by a mate of mine, and he used to give me the CD ROMS from the unsold computer mags. At one stage in the late 90s I had close to 4000.

[CreepingJesus]

^I 'reappropriated' all manner of shite from that job. Every new copy of a Linux distro ever, a Camel trophy DVD, and a bunch of Shaun The Sheep pens I'm still using. Amongst much else.

[ashmicro]

Dunno what brings it to mind, but recently I was out helping a mate with his shopping. He had a few biggish items to get, and as a wheelchair user he needed some help. So we were in Tesco, me pushing the wheelchair, when WHAM! Some ould biddy about 90 years old bashes me in the hip with her trolley. Bloody hurt. Quick as a flash my mate says "For fuck's sake missus, it's bad enough ONE of us being disabled!"

[Cavcraft]

My lad was at college yesterday and happened to notice some kids in the next room along all looking out of the window with mobile phones in their hands. Two minutes later one of their number came tear arsing into the carpark practising his SICK DRIFTING SKILLZ and promptly crashed into a wall. My lad said it was fucking hysterical but the tutors were slightly less than amused.

[mattblack]

Following a scruffy, bumperless 'V' reg Mitsubishi Sapporo made me grin today.

[Guest]

Wooohooo Sold the pain in the arse money pit of a Corsa today. Good riddance you verminous retchid pile of crap. I only had you a month and you caused a problen every trip.

[Pete-M]

Wooohooo Sold the pain in the arse money pit of a Corsa today. Good riddance you verminous retched pile of crap. I only had you a month and you caused a problen every trip.

 

A Vauxhall, causing problems? There's a surprise Corsas really do blow donkey cock.

 

Grin of the day for me was the chap near work reorganising his collection of random tat. Three or four Rascal Pick-ups, a Testarossa, a Corniche Convertible and an immaculate Foden. The Foden rocketh mightily. It's this one.

 

[PaykanHunter]

This picture makes me Grin!....

[Jon]

Real life Mario kart: