Autoshite quote of the Year 2018

[quicksilver]

Datsuncog on top form

Honoured and humbled as I am to have my nom-de-guerre held in such high regard, I would find it hard to consider myself anywhere near the Shite Hero levels of so many legends who battle daily on these beige pages.

 

I would tend to view myself as both of the Chuckle Brothers smooshed together to create a gestalt entity, who then decide to self-harm through the medium of decrepit French hatchbacks.

 

But it's nice to know that my inept histrionics can raise a smile, nonetheless.

 

And an equally brilliant response

You see the use of terms such as nom-de-guerre, gestalt entity, and Chuckle Brothers in the same post is just one of those things that sets this place apart!

[Split_Pin]

Stop the fucking bus a min, judge the best chap based on a load of old flannel on the internet???? Get out in the real world you freaks, book a village hall and do some real trials, points system, who can down a pint of diesel fastest, snort a line of Datsun Sunny bell housing dust, retrieve a sump plug from a washing up bowl of hot 20W40 treacle with your mouth, that kind of crack. Base Maestro and AVAS knuckle tattoo for the winner, trendy £150 haircut and a years supply of tights booby prize.

Posted on this thread with no irony intended!

[clayts450]

njgleeds on the merits of the structural integrity of a C3 Pluriel, recently advertised here

 

 

You could park one of these fuckers in the middle of a third world drought hit country and the foot wells would be full by the following lunchtime. 

 

[Slartibartfast]

Mrs Talbot's words of wisdom about the Great Roffle of Randomness:

 

"I dunno why we're guessing. It's probably some crappy old Laguna in a colour that no-one can agree on, with so much "personality" that you have to study under some obscure Chineese master in order to be able to actually get it to move".

[flat4alfa]

Roffle Thought Flow chart*

 

• Ohh that looks a nice car
• Its only how much a ticket ..
• that’s a bargain..
• that’s for a whole car!
• I will be such a winner driving round in that…
• Right I will have a ticket ..
• Just one isn’t enough …
• maybe two…
• Yes two ..
• “Two tickets please mister”
• Daydreams driving the motor through crowded streets
• All the kids stop and point at the winner driving by…
• They whisper that he stuck it to the man…
• Wanders round in bliss for 10 minutes …
• Checks car location …
• Fucking Shetland…
• Arse…
• Thinks about cancelling …
• Scared that strange people on the internet will judge him
• Rationalises it as a sort of holiday that the other half will tolerate/almost like/let him go by himself
• Breathes again…
• Its ok …
• unlikely to win it …
• Panics …
• but I better have another look
• Ohh that looks a nice car
• Its only how much a ticket ..
• that’s a bargain..
• that’s for a whole car!
• I will be such a winner driving round in that…
• Right I will have a another ticket .. 

 

*other thought processes are available. 

[spartacus]

"You gotta be quick here mate - any time that lovely green tag pops up we're like tramps on chips..."

clayts450 on a for sale thread.

[davehedgehog31]

Some tremendous patter in this thread.

 

DatsunCogs Samuel Pepys tale of woe takes the biscuit though, tears of laughter.

[flat4alfa]

The Samuel Pepys tale of woe wins the whole biscuit aisle!

 

Sir Cog of Dat has his own blog in case you fancied a wander

https://datsuncog.wordpress.com/

[clayts450]

Datsuncog on the rollercoaster Brown Trout E39 roffle/sale thread

 

 

There's more twists and turns here than trying to scoop an actual trout with ADHD into a Teflon bucket filled with KY Jelly using graphite-coated gloves, all the while being sprayed with silicone grease by a meddlesome bystander.

[Dave_Q]

Stop all the clocks, switch off the mobile phone,

Watch it there on the flatbed busted and alone

Silence the Pianos, mark off the date

Remember it was totally fucking fucked M8

 

Safely on the HIAB tucked

Let the message go out - the Zafira is fucked

Take a deep breath, surrender, and be bolder

And on the internet write “nite nite litl Solja”

 

(“All Vauxhall’s are shit”, W H Auden 1967)

On WWs dead Zafira.

[Sigmund Fraud]

 

AS has always been the car forum where people with issues can find a home.

 

 

May I nominate this to be the new forum subtitle ?

 

[Split_Pin]

 

 

I wasn't really looking for a robin at all I fancied a volvo 240, but these came up

[Junkman]

 

 

 

 

 

May I nominate this to be the new forum subtitle ?

 

 

 

 

Your issueshite is our concern?

[somewhatfoolish]

I was staying in a cheap Etap hotel on some road trip or other. The rooms are often mirror images of each other to ease construction and plumbing. This became apparent when I was brushing my teeth and could clearly hear the guy in the next room having a shit as his toilet was likely back to back with mine with just the wall between them. This was confirmed when he flushed and bits of turd bobbed up in my toilet bowl accompanied by a worrying rise in water level. I flushed it and from the obscenities heard they made a re-appearance chez him. We "snowballed" these poonuggets back and forth a couple more times before they finally went down the soil pipe, with me laughing and him cursing at the absurdity of the situation.

 

[Split_Pin]

My parents got new bathooms installed about 12 years ago and I remember noting mid- construction that 2 of the toilets had been moved so that they sat back-to-back and had a common soil pipe. I will need to run this test

[cort1977]

 "sub £500 jewels of the net"

 

WilsonWilson discussing his regrettably short term Nissan.

[Split_Pin]

 

 

 

Do we need to develop our own AS Dating Service?

 

Plenty Of Rust?

 

OKQuartic?

 

AngleGrindr?

 

 

[chodweaver]

Another corker from Datsuncog:

 

"speak like a depressed marmoset with a wet sports sock in its mouth, channelling the spirit of Ian Paisley."

[chaseracer]

I thought I'd get away with it Parcelfarce at the PO, but the cashier had vernier eyeballs.

 

[twosmoke300]

Missed that originally but that’s brilliant .

Mk1 eyeball never fails

[catsinthewelder]

I bought my old Robin from this fellow a few years back - the seller is a very pleasant retired fellow who used to work for Bond and now spends his spare time converting Robins to pick-ups, God only knows why. Mine made it to the M4 before it conked out in a puff of smoke and had to be towed home to Surrey. 6 months later (after replacing pretty well everything on the car which was a total lemon) I managed to drive it to Oslo, Norway where I was based at the time. Radiator blew a mile into journey though radweld did its job nicely until I'ld limped to the ferry port in Denmark after many autobahn adventures. Wouldn't start to disembark ferry arriving in Norway, luckily a loaned hammer and thwack on the  (new) starter and it whirred back into life. Made it to my garage before timing chain slipped and clutch went. Eventually sold it to a retired bearded Viking who's hobby was converting cars to amphibious vehicles and touring the lakes of Europe in them - suspect Robin is now at the bottom of Lake Garda. Interestingly the Norwegians classed it as a motorbike not a car, so was able to cruise Oslo's electric-car-lanes avoiding traffic-jams. Incidentally Robin was a bit of a babe-magnet and a hoot to drive. 

 

 

[flat4alfa]

2-times-Wilson's noisy Picasso gearbox experience

 

 

Just sounds like someone is standing on a cat once you get up to 30.
Then sounds like someone is standing on two cats at 40.
At 50, the man standing on cats has obviously run out of legs so its sounds like two men standing on three cats. One cat bearing the weight of two men, then one cat under the other foot of both men. Definitely louder in the middle because of the increased weight applied there.
At 70 it sounds like a world war 2 hand wound air raid siren, operated at full chat by these two men standing on three cats.

 

[chaseracer]

...I guess to shiters like us lot somebody has finally left this world when their cars are no more...

 

Indeed.

[Craig the Princess]

I'm still curious as to why Yugoplod pulled you over. To me, two hippies in an ancient Dacia doesn't immediately scream "easy financial gain"...

[clayts450]

Dave numbers on waterless chod cleaning products

 

 

Im no three-bucket pervert or anything, but I personally wouldnt use it. I would guess that DetailingWorld types already have about 15 layers of wax made from Queen Nefertitis breast milk, and farting near the car would be enough to blow most dirt off its molecularly smooth paint.

[somewhatfoolish]

Yes, ta, I'll stick with the AA for now. Eventually I find an actual garage and pay £40 for a new battery on the promise I'll be paid back. If I don't, it's being set on fire and driven through their office window, and I don't care it's on the first floor.

 

[Junkman]

 

If I see this hawking over-priced hipster food somewhere later this summer, I will set fire to the fucker's beard and piss in his Skinny Latte Mochamuck.

[url=https://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/Classic-1958-Trojan-Personnel-Wagon-Van-Camper-Catering-vehicle-Minibus/153044202679

[Datsuncog]

Sierraman's succinct take on Ebay buyers who want your item alright, but mysteriously only ever appear to have half the cash:

 

I pity the people that have to live with these people. If you chucked their head on a fire it'd burn for a month.

[chodweaver]

Pieman on everyone's* favourite* Premiership footballer*

 

Cristiano Hypertwat Ronaldo

[MorrisItalSLX]

cms206 answering the question "What is the SVM?"

 

"Between 1986 and 1990, a commando arsecrack unit was hunted down and sent to prison by a military court for a skidmark they didn't commit. These men promptly escaped from a maximum security stockade to the Glasgow Underground. Today, still wanted by the government they survive as soldiers of misfortune. If you have antiques to move, sheep to rustle, stuff to flytip or things to deep fry, if no one else can help, and if you can find them... maybe you can hire The SVM-Team."