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I Scream. Mind that child.


Jim Bell
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Commer Doormobile.  Geordie Di Steffano and sons. Est 1965.

 

0-60: Feasible.

Speciality: Neopolitan.

 

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Geordie Di Steffano was born into an ice cream empire in Byker early 1971.  Knowing as he did that the folk of his estate only had money for one day a fortnight, he took his van (passed down from his father, via his fathers father and then uncle Kenny after they were killed in opposite order by rival vendors) to pastures new. 

Being a keen follower of soccer, his first pitch was outside of Jarrow Roofing FC (match days only).  Business was initially slow.  Following a spirited cup run and TV coverage an injection of capital meant he was able to upgrade his pitch and moved the van up to Gateshead International Stadium (match days and Diamond League meets only).  More money was made at Gateshead and he eventually promoted the business up to St James's Park, Newcastle Upon Tyne where he was mistaken for a police horse and punched to death in the early 2010s.  The van is currently still on its original tyres and will be taken on when his eldest son comes of age.

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Ford Anglia Commercial 1200 4 speed.  Geoff Walls and sons.  Est 1954.

 

0-60:  3 minutes.

Speciality: Single Cigarettes and a match - 50p.

 

 

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This baby blue Ford was a familiar sight near schools in coastal regions of the North throughout the 1980s.  The cut throat business of vending iced products was deemed too dangerous for Geoff Walls, who stopped stocking food of any kind after the heads were kicked off all of the flowers in his front garden by a rival vendor.  Not one to give up without a fight, Walls changed gears and began to stock cigarettes, matches and gas lighters (three for a pound) which were sold to school children and the elderly.  All four gears were employed when parents or police took an unhealthy interest in his trades and the van was often seen barreling round corners with Geoff gripping the wheel firmly.  The fibre glass rear of the van was light but highly un-aerodynamic and his luck ran out when he was eventually caught after a short chase and beaten to death by the parent of a 20 a day seven year old.

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Leyland Sherpa Coupe 2.1. Giuseppe Manfredi and sons. Est 1952.

0-60: 67 seconds.

Speciality: Mint Choc Chip.

 

 

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Giuseppe Manfredi was a shrewd and ruthless businessman, in the style of the old Sacilians that came before him. He mixed his own Mint Choc Chip ice cream in a cement stirring machine stolen from a tool hire company in Roker, Wearside. His despicable recipe included whatever ice cream was on special offer at the wholesalers, cheap toothpaste and crunched up After Eight Mints. His white Sherpa Coupe was reported present at the scene of many Ice Cream related assaults and murders though police were unable to make any charges stick until he was filmed kicking the heads off flowers in a front garden in 1991. He was convicted of criminal damage and later stabbed to death in HMP Durham by fifteen rival vendors. He was burried in his van as demanded by Sacilian tradition.

The van was later dug up by his eldest son Giuseppe Jnr, who ran a silimar business successfully for a number of years following. The van ticked over 340 thousand miles on its original gearbox before being lost in an arson attack by rival vendors.

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Commer Doormobile.  Geordie Di Steffano and sons. Est 1965.

 

0-60: Feasible.

Speciality: Neopolitan.

 

Pt93lF7.jpg

 

 

 

 

Geordie Di Steffano was born into an ice cream empire in Byker early 1971.  Knowing as he did that the folk of his estate only had money for one day a fortnight, he took his van (passed down from his father, via his fathers father and then uncle Kenny after they were killed in opposite order by rival vendors) to pastures new. 

Being a keen follower of soccer, his first pitch was outside of Jarrow Roofing FC (match days only).  Business was initially slow.  Following a spirited cup run and TV coverage an injection of capital meant he was able to upgrade his pitch and moved the van up to Gateshead International Stadium (match days and Diamond League meets only).  More money was made at Gateshead and he eventually promoted the business up to St James's Park, Newcastle Upon Tyne where he was mistaken for a police horse and punched to death in the early 2010s.  The van is currently still on its original tyres and will be taken on when his eldest son comes of age.

 

 

Me and me marra keep intending to watch the Roofers in action!

Fuck those South Shields bastards. Especially now they are throwing money around like Northern League Rockafella's!

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Trojan Chugbox.  Nielson's of Canadia.  Est. 1933
0-60: Optimistic of you
Speciality: Ice cream soup

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Cpl. Roger Nielson of Canadia didn't really get the way things worked in Blighty, he had thought it would be a lot like home just wetter and with less snow. When he arrived he bought the Trojan Chugbox and declined to have it painted in colours, insisting it would stand out more if it were black and white.  Because it's so cold in Canadia, Cpl. Nielson was entirely unaware he'd need refrigeration and this, combined with the Trojan's glacial performance meant that he unwittingly invented Ice Cream Soup.  This was considered a delicacy in Norfolk until Cpl. Nielson's untimely demise at the hands of a local when he was mistaken for a bear and shot while preparing a batch of Vanilla Toffee Coconut Creme in the autumn of 1982.

 

Of special note is the Dicky Bird Lollies, local slang for the what-the-butler-saw mounted in place of a passenger seat and powered by the starting handle.  Thruppence a go.

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Land Rover Series 11. Sgnt Antony James Michael Trill esq. Est 1987.

 

0-60: Impossible.

Speciality: Lemon Tops.

 

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Anthony James Michael Trill left the Welsh Gaurds in early 1970 after serving in Northern Ireland and Burma (now Myanmar). Accustomed to guerilla warfare and close range melee combat situations he was highly suited to the Ice Cream trade and he duely invested his military pay out in a van to suit his purposes. Trill was no fool. He knew to survive in the cut throat trade he was entering you needed two things. A unique selling point (or USP) and a willingness to kill. Once he had this ex army surplus Land Rover van converted to sell iced snacks, he knew he had both.

He went where the other vendors dare not go. The estuary. The beaches. The bases of local waterfalls. The top end of VERY muddy fields at farmers markets and county fayres. He sold out where ever he parked the van, sometimes at cambers in excess of 56 degrees. The old Landy may have not been the fastest greyhound out of the traps (top of forth was an indicated 56mph) but he never had to run away from anyone so speed was not his priority. When an old friend sold him four tonnes of lemon sherbert that was meant to go to Ethiopia as aid, he invented the Lemon Top Ice Cream (whippy dipped in sherbert) which ultimately made his fortune. He retired in 1998 and now resides in Guernsey. Whereabouts of this legendary off road Ice Cream Van are unknonwn but do keep your eye out for it if youre ever hill walking in the north and fancy a sweet and sour treat!

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Morris Marina Cummins. Cordelia Portabello and sons. 1978-1979.

 

0-60: 5mins 20 seconds.

Speciality: Eventually hand jobs. Presumably.

 

 

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In the swinging sixties with the womens liberation movement in full swing, even women were looking to a life behind the sliding glass. Cordelia Portabello took delivery of this lovely Morris in late 1969 with the intention of making her fortune parked up by the edge of Windermere in the very popular lake district. Keen not to make a loss, she transfered the vehicle purchase and conversion price straight on to the customer. She decided to sell ice creams at the price of £1231-00 each. Resoning that even if she only ever sold one ice cream, she would have covered all of her costs and woukd be able to review prices in the future dependant on demand.

She never sold a single cone.

The van was eventually towed away by the local council after the road tax (as was then) expired.

Miss Portabello was last seen getting into the passenger seat of an articulated lorry at the side of the A68 bound for Leicester. It is thought that she had resorted to working as a long distance tug madam but was never seen again.

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