2015 shite quote thread

[Cavcraft]

I'll kick this off with Pillock's excellent response to Skattrd's mention of a shite collection 

 

 

I'm betting it's a Vectra from Manchester and he's going the long way.

 

[vulgalour]

"Remember children, for next week's Blue Peter you'll need some sticky tape and tinfoil because we're going to decorate a Range Rover for a footballer"

[Semi-C]

Races are seldom won on the 1st lap but, wuvvum's gold roof grade observation has shirley done just that.

 

"It appears that 2015 is the Year of the Dithering Cunt in the Chinese Calendar."

 

(taken from The News 24 thread)

[chaseracer]

I also enjoy cars where the minor controls were placed by putting a jumping jack in a box of switches.   You fumble like crazy for a month but after that its like being in a secret society.

[Craig the Princess]

 

Admittedly the car wash is a bit shit, but its free and I'll be fucked if I'm washing it myself or paying someone when I can have it done badly for nowt.

[tooSavvy]

NorfolkNWeigh..... on investment* opportunities 》Tat 3

 

" - Citroens can go down - "

 

 

TS

[Craig the Princess]

This from the Daewoo/Astra/Megane thread.

 

Are you advertising them in the braile-only edition of Autotrader or something?

[Pillock]

 

when its slowly manouvering in traffic it gets a little bit snatchy which is abit like eating a gateux and finding its not quite defrosted in the middle, livable but improvable!

 

[oldcars]

Posted 12 January 2015 - 10:51 PM

chaseracer, on 07 Jan 2015 - 6:51 PM, said:

Is it too late to organise an AS stand...?  

 

This is a restoration show, I don't think pouring Radweld into a frazzled K-Series whilst someone continuously twats a Megane Scenic starter motor with a stubby hammer will hold the punters attention.

[Craig the Princess]

Free car? AS style

 

Another was a pug 309 diesel. Ad said needed gone ASAP. Me and a mate wondered over,car had remnants of a police aware sticker on window ad no ignition barrel.

[Junkman]

320touring's reply to Cavcraft's question regarding the number of ebay threads currently open.

 

We're short one to collate all the voxhal mizzery into one easy to use compendium.

[320touring]

320touring's reply to Cavcrafts's question regarding the number of ebay threads currently open.

 

 

 

Dang, missing an r out of mizzery..

[steve_earwig]

Ah, now it makes sense, I thought it was another "in" joke I didn't understand

[320touring]

Ah, now it makes sense, I thought it was another "in" joke I didn't understand

I have amended the original.

 

Junkman would you be so kind as to amend the version in your post please?

[Junkman]

Done.

[320touring]

Done.

Cheers!

[skattrd]

From Captain_70's introduction

 

..... all recent car purchases have been even more explodey and shite than usual

 

I do feel sorry for him as I sold him the last exploding car 

[Guest Breadvan72]

Not your fault, bloke!

[Pillock]

 

The Beiges Brothers....

 

It's 23 miles to Cleethorpes, we've half a bottle of Vimto, a Ginsters sausage roll, it's drizzly and we're wearing slippers.

 

[Craig the Princess]

Lemmy is far more likely to be entering the obituaries column than politics, I'm afraid. He's fucked.

 

[Station]

He used a wee measuring tumbler to pour exactly the correct measure and tip it into the glass....he pretty much had his eyeball in the tumbler checking he didnt overfill it by a single molecule. He then got a bottle of Tesco brand tonic water....wasnt the Value range, just the normal Tesco brand stuff. It was a big 1.5 litre bottle that was about half empty. He cracked off the lid and no hiss of gas escaped. He topped up the drink and not a single bubble was evident. This stuff was flat as a motherfucker. No ice, no lemon. He pushed the glass towards me and said "4.20 please."

I told him to jam it and pour me a proper one.

He caused a big scene since I was refusing to pay for something I had ordered and threatened to have me removed from the ship. I told him he was welcome to call the captain and get him to turn the ferry round, head back to port and offload 50-odd cars so mine could come off, but he declined.

I fucked off to the second deck level bar and stuck to bottled beer for the crossing.

 

I still spent most of the night puking myself inside out, plus had a bastard of a hang-over to deal with, to say nothing of the money spent, so overall not one of my better plans.

.

 

I know this was from late last year but I was laughing so hard at Dave21478s description of a ferry crossing especially the eyeball in the tumbler, unnecessarily vulgar description of tonic being as 'flat as a motherfucker' and barman's empty threat of getting the captain to turn back over a glass of g n t.

[rml2345]

This thread has appeared again just in time for some Autoshite poetry.

 

Sunroofs are rad

Tinted glass blue

Your car's only dry

Once it's sealed up with glue

[Pillock]

 

Wound KNOB_VAN up to a f*cking terrifying 90 once. It felt like being inside a giant labrador doing a poo.

[Taff]

This bit, by NorfolkinWeigh, had me giggling like a child on screech

 

 

  This can mean getting blamed for random old heaps that appear locally that have nothing to do with me , the latest was a Talbot Express camper that a couple of people in the pub and even my own wife were convinced was mine. To be fair I have got form for this.  

 

[tooSavvy]

Vulgalour: legal theft >> excuses for

 

"In fact, getting actual information out of an insurer about risk factors and how to make insurance more affordable is akin to trying to get a whelk out of its shell with a wooden spoon."

 

 

TS

[Taff]

this corker from skattrd in the MO's UMM thread:-

 

 

 

  I don't see the front foglights, but I remember seeing a button for them ... I also remeber thinking, bastard, that's something else mine doesn't have, along with carpet, soundproofing and spoiler.  

[vulgalour]

I cant recall any A60 I have driven actually stopping when asked to.   They only stopped when you didn't want them to.

[quicksilver]

You know how some cars have a certain intimidating presence? Well, here's the exact opposite...

some Allegros squatting like a clump of bad potatoes

[skattrd]

From Pillock in the grin thread, whilst talking about Ms_Pillock buying a Unimog for 99p on ebay

 

 she's had a cider and gets a bit moist over Unimogs.

 

[Bucketeer]

Its probably poor form to have pictures in the 'quote' thread but every Cavcraft image featuring the Barbara Cartland/Rose from Golden Girls dog has me in stitches, especially the 'looking forlornly out of shit cars' ones.

 

 

 

 

There are many more, and a great one I remember featuring Cavcraft Cat wearing comedy oversized sunglasses, but I CBA to find them all.