Madman's Crap Bucket Challenge!

[Madman Of The People]

Forget the ice bucket.  Try a crap bucket!

 

Okay, it's not literally a bucket full of crap.  That would be disgusting.  But I am throwing down the gauntlet to see if anyone can buy a better beater for the money.

 

But first, a little background.  A co-worker of mine has more cars than the local Carmax outlet.  Lo and behold, a 93-year-old relative of his passes away and leaves my co-worker his car, a mid-1990s Lexus ES300.  Problem is he already has too many cars cluttering up his driveway and needs to get shot of at least one of them.  The one he wants to unload is his current daily driver, a 1998 Ford Escort SE saloon, automatic with 137,000 miles.

 

Out of idle curiosity, I ask him how much he wants for it.  He pulls out his phone to check the book value and it says it's worth $865.  Half-jokingly, I said "I'll give you $800 cash for it."  Well, the next thing I knew, I was the owner of a 1998 Ford Escort SE saloon!

 

What the hell have I done?!?!?!?!? 

 

So, without further adieu, here it is in all of its grey-ish glory!

 

 

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Golf ball sized divot on bonnet.

 

 

 

Cosmetic damage from when my co-workers mother-in-law skidded on some ice last winter and clipped a mailbox.

 

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Plug for a block heater I found under the front bumper, indicating this was once a Northern car.

 

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The oily bits.  Eight valve 2.0 litre SOHC Ford CVH engine.  110 raging horsepowers!!!!

 

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So, what's it like?  Well, it's terrible!  Hey, what do you expect?  Everything about this car looks and feels like it was subcontracted out to the lowest bidder.  But that's okay with me.  This is only going to be for commuting and keeping the miles (and the wear and tear) off my Passat.  It is strictly a cheap, disposable, throw-away car.  The minute something expensive goes POP, off to the scrappie it goes.

 

So, it seems if you're prepared to REALLY lower your standards, you can still pick up a serviceable beater for the price of a decent laptop.

[Junkman]

Jayzuz Chroist is this awful. Congratulations!

[Madman Of The People]

$800 -- £490.06.

 

You were robbed.

You need to visit CavCraft next time you need a car.

 

 

 

Have you seen secondhand car prices over here?

 

Unfortunately, I don't live in an island where I can buy nearly new Audis for a fiver.

 

Any of you want to offer me a job and sponsor me through the UK immigration system?  PLEASE?!?!?

[rml2345]

That looks even worse than the European Ford Escort from 1998.

Well done!

[oman5]

I guess used cars are pricey where you are then? It's swings and roundabouts really. You may find the metaphorical nearly new Audi for a fiver here, you just won't be able to afford the fuel!

[Cavcraft]

By Christ, that's ugly! It looks like a drunken Korean schoolkid's drawing of a head on crash between a Mondeo and a Kia, suffused with a tincture of Hyundai Coupe and slowly marinated in heroin. 

 

Top work.

[michael1703]

Book price $865

 

So you give $800 for one with a massive scrape on the rear quarter and bonnet damage, I like your style

[inconsistant]

That looks bland as flip, well done.

Unusual to see an angry looking rear end on a car, its usually the front of cars that look pissed off.

[cort16]

Wow that looks even more depressing than the UK escort and that's some achievement.

 

It does just look like generic low cost fossil fuel powered mobility device version B without any thought to performance, style or passenger comfort.

 

And they wonder why the US car industry nearly went tits up.

[John F]

Ewww, it's a septic one.

 

I've never seen a vehicle do a reverse belm before.

[Pillock]

The postbox damage actually looks like a Bangle-BMW swage line from some angles.....

[Sigmund Fraud]

Thoroughly grim, it wouldn't surprise me if it was a re-badged Kia, like those Ford* Aspires you got over there.

 

Fleet-owning co-worker sounds like someone who deserves an invitation to join Autoshite !

[eddyramrod]

Wow that looks even more depressing than the UK escort and that's some achievement.

 

It does, doesn't it?  Positively grim!

 

Any of you want to offer me a job and sponsor me through the UK immigration system?  PLEASE?!?!?

 

Tell you what, you come over here and drive a bread van, I'll go to Tennessee and drive whatever it is you drive.  Just flog off the Passat before we exchange, there's no way I'm touching a VAG.

 

You need to visit CavCraft next time you need a car.

 

He could if he was here, but from there?  Some collection thread that would be!  And all for a 1996 Astra diesel, oh how that would go down with the neighbours!

[overrun]

That looks bland as flip, well done.Unusual to see an angry looking rear end on a car, its usually the front of cars that look pissed off.

It's a Yank thing, innit.

 

http://tinypic.com/view.php?pic=156fxx5&s=5

[Asimo]

I had one identical to that as a business hire in LA, and can confirm that even when new, they drive as dull as they look.

Nearly as bad as a Chevy Corsica.

[320touring]

Looks delightfully grim:)

 

Needs more big block though!

[brickwall]

Wow, that is pretty bland. Congrats on your fine purchase and it even has a cassette player

 

Appearances make me believe that a  Special Edition gets you absolutely nothing !

[Spiny Norman]

Jeezus that's appalling.
I like the side with the big fuck-off dent in it better than the other one.

 

re: prices, I think we in the UK enjoy some of the cheapest secondhand car prices anywhere in the (reasonably) developed world. It's not like here where we're tripping over shitters with a bit of test on them for well under a monkey, a thousand bucks doesn't buy you much at all in the US these days.

[New POD]

Have you seen secondhand car prices over here?

 

Unfortunately, I don't live in an island where I can buy nearly new Audis for a fiver.

 

Any of you want to offer me a job and sponsor me through the UK immigration system?  PLEASE?!?!?

 

And yet every time I go to the US of A I get the impression at passport control that they actual think we might want to stay. Saying "Look I didn't actually want to come here, but my mother insists I attend the wedding of her oldest Grandson, but as soon as it's over I'm out of here" does not compute.

 

Anyway the Car. Yes it looks as shit as my Sisters 3.2 V6 ford Taurus station wagon she used to own in the early 90's IIRC that had a speedo that went to 80 mph, and felt unsafe at 65 mph.

 

The only decent Escort is a UK spec MK3 series 2 XR3i (although 90% of parts suppliers insist it's the mk4) Wish I'd not sold mine. But a free cavalier with 29K was coming my way.

[Madman Of The People]

Wow, I never expected a thread about a shitty old beater I picked up on a whim would ever be so popular!

 

So far, the Escort is performing the role of commuter car and errand runner, at least for the errands which don't require the Passat's huge wagonesque load bay.  Impressions?  Well the Escort is HILARIOUSLY awful!  Look, I fully understand this car was built down to a price.  But did it really have to be this bad?  The thing that really blows my mind about cars like this is the fact that somebody back in 1998 walked into a Ford showroom and actually paid somewhere around $14,000 ($20,430 in today's money) for this heap-o-shite!  The penny-pinching miser in me thinks of all the very nice used cars you can buy with that sort of cash.

 

All I can say is it's a good thing this car has airbags because the plastic used to make the dashboard is nearly as hard as the steel dash in my old 1952 Chevy!  And the interior door release handles are the flimsiest I've seen in ANY car.  It's a miracle they aren't all broken yet.  The Ford CVH engine is living up to it's loud and thrashy reputation by being louder and thrashier than a garage-based heavy metal rock band.  It's a pity all that noise doesn't translate into forward motion.  If it did, my daily commute would be much MUCH quicker!  Remember the old saying about how much fun it is to drive a slow car fast?  Well, I can confirm this is true!

 

Since their is so much interest in my humble little crapmobile, I'll make sure to post any new developments in this space.

[RoadworkUK]

It really is a horrible car. It's almost harrowing to look at.

 

Splendid work.

[twosmoke300]

Most of these terrible type of cars started out as rentals , lease cars or loaners . Not many people buy them privatly

[brickwall]

Yep. Some of the hire cars I've had are pure bland and straightforward nonsense. Hire cars usually have loads of of blanked off switches and shapes cut into the interior styling where something would be fitted in a better model.