Tat collection from 2006- found it!

[Barry Cade]

Foreword..

 

I'll adjust accordingly to suit this place, was all a bit polite as it was a club posting and the car was bought from a "fellow" club member..... What I didn't say at the time was I had another blue X1/9 at the time, which was all legal. This one had been lying in a dusty garage for 7 years. I put the plates, chassis plate  and paperwork for my other blue one in a rucksack, and cloned this one on the kerb..

 

 

 

Aye, and I still never got the bastard wheels that were advertised with the car, and were on it when the photo's were taken. cunt.

 

Chapter 1.

 

Arranged with Jim to collect his X1/9 VS on Saturday,so I booked a train ticket to go down to London to collect it and drive it home.He was a bit apprehensive (didn't give a fuck) as the car hadn't really been on the road for a few years,but I thought I'd take the chance and bring it home under its own steam. ( it would have been nice if he'd at least washed all the shite off the windscreen, never mind check the water and oil...) I left Markinch train station at 8am,armed with a bag full of car and bike magazines to read during my journey.Upon arrival in Edinburgh,I was told that the East Coast line was closed due to engineering works,and I would have to go via Carslile...anyway,got into London at 5pm,and after a couple of runs on the tube and getting totally feckin lost, and being unable to phone the owner as he is deaf,finally got to the station where he  lives.Came up the stairs from the underground and thee right in front of me was the big daft dome thing- knowing that would have made my life a whole lot feckin easier.....He collected me after about a feckin hour in his Integrale Evo,and enjoyed a white knuckle (was scared shitless- a deaf driver, LHD and 200+ BHP, just what I needed with a headache and a bladder full of British Rail coffee..) ride through London,If you ever live in London,get one of these!!! Sprinting between the lights with the turbo chirping away was worth the train trip itself!! (being polite, twat)

Anyway,got all sorted out ,and I got to drive a blue 1300 for a wee bit,its a lovely wee thing (true),then had a look over a green 1300.It was just how I remember them  I doubt there are many left in such original condition anywhere.(true) It was now nearing 7pm,so I thought it best to make a start on the long journey North..so we waved our goodbyes,(through gritted teeth on my part)and I put my trust in Holly,the sat-nav bitch to get me out of the city.

 

 

*added*

10 minutes up the road,in half a mile of traffic in the Blackwall tunnel,the temp gauge shot off the scale..and sounds like a kettle boiling coming from behind me. I'd heard about the Blackwall tunnel from Sally Traffic ...and knew if I did'nt make it out under my own "steam" I'd be on the news, and probably busted for false plates and various other things..I had to keep moving though,with people tooting and flashing at the sauna behind the car. once I got out of the tunnel,I pulled in to a side street and popped the engine cover,and gently released the geyser using my jacket to stop me getting scalded...empty. I had 2 litres of water,so I poured that in and got another 2 miles down the road in to some housing scheme. I was just about in tears- 450 miles from home in a car which had been very misdescribed, a deaf owner who I couldn't phone and rant to and worst of all and more pressing- there was a crowd gathering and looking around, it looked like I'd driven all the way to a dodgy area in the Bronx rather than our capital city..I knew if I spoke, I'd be deed, having a bit of a Scottish accent... 

 

The car finally started again and sounded pretty rough, so I needed to find a petrol station so I could get water in and bleed it, put some oil in and give it a bit of a look over, I daren't switch off in case it'd neve go again so I limped to a Shell station. GREAT, and many THANK FUCKS were said to myself, so I filled up with the good Shell stuff, and looked over at the station itself. Big grilles over the windows and as it was after 10pm, a few hoodies loitering about. I joined the queue to pay and looked at the oil and stuff through the slots. At the head of the queue, I asked for a couple of litres of 15/40, 20 fags, some coke (what, no Irn Bru??!!)  and probably a few more things, and the lot came to near on 90 quid. I'd taken an extra few hundred with me for bits and bobs, so opened my wallet and dumped 5 20's in the wee tray- in full view of all the neds behind me. WE DONT TAKE SCOOOTISH MUNY, came the voice through the grille. AAARRRGGGHHH. came my reply, when one of the helpful neds behind me said there was a cash machine down what was a very dodgy looking side street..... we'll show you... I'm dead, thinks I..

 

I did manage to get there and back alive, after making a few refrences to Trainspotting and Taggart, and trying to sound a little bit mental and Begbieish .. the car was still in 1 piece when I did

The car started better but was really lacking power and everytime I accelerated,I was getting a backfire,and no real increase in power,so I stopped in at a services after 20 miles or so ,and bought some more supplies for the journey,and adjusted the timing a bit. Took the roof off,and set out on to the motorway.All was great for about 40 miles,car was driving beautifully,there were great tunes on the radio and the heater was pumping out hot air.The roads were empty and I was really enjoying myself!

Just when I'd totally relaxed and got into the mood for charging up the road there was suddenly a very loud and expensive sounding noise came from behind, in the mirror was a shower of sparks ,the car cut out and I coasted into the hard shoulder...I jumped out expecting to find oil and conrods all over the carrigeway....

 

After a bit of investigation using my test lamp for light,I saw that the distributor had feckin siezed,so the whole lot had been turning,ripping off the HT leads,breaking the hold down clips,pulling out and snapping the LT wires and smashing the dizzy cap..the rotor arm had also gone AWOL. Damn and blast....or words to that effect were probably heard up in Scotland....

I had brought a few spares,so I checked to see what I had,the dizzy cap I had was different...the rotor arm fitted though,and the points were the same,so I removed the plate out the dizzy and straightened it on the crash barrier and removed the small broken piece of metal that had caused all the carnage in the first place. I'd like to show you a picture of it,but its still lying on the M11 somewhere,chucked over the carrigeway in a rage...

Now I had the dizzy internals all together and back in,and a bit of wire fixed in from the coil to the |dizzy nicked of the daft non working alarm ,there was the problem with the cap. Half of it was missing and there was no way of fixing it to the dizzy body. I gave myself a wee telling off for not bringing cable ties... never go anywhere in a shitter without cable ties..I sat on the crash barrier and smoked a few fags,contemplating what to do next.Do I finally join a breakdown service..

 

Not without a fight!!! I had a brainwave of using my bootlace to tie the cap on ,even just to get me to the next services.After a few failed attempts I finally got it to stay in place,and tentativly turned the key..It fired up straight away,and idled perfectly...I'm sure I even saw it smiling.. bastard thing..

Back out on to the motorway and all seemed well,timing was a bit out,but if anything,it was even better than before..I had a few thoughts about the sparks flying about in what was left of the dizzy cap being next to the fuel pump,but quickly tried to think about something else..

 

*adjustment*

I wasn't really giving a fuck anymore- I was like a wounded submarine heading for port, just like in Das Boot- full throttle and point North, the nearer I got, the less I'd have to walk..

Quite a few miles up the road,I pulled in to the services and gently moved the distributor and set off again.The car was running perfectly,plenty of power and no funny noises,so I settled into a 90mph  (+) cruise up the M1 and life was great again! By this time it was about 5am, and tiredness was setting in,and it was beginning to get foggy,so I decided to forego the A68-one of my favorite roads into Scotland-and head over to Carslile and up the M74.On the slower roads I noticed that the idle had risen up to 3500RPM,but I left it for now,but did have a moment driving through one of the small border towns,and there was a traffic car sitting there..Trying to keep a CSC exhaust quiet and keep to 30 with the idle at 3500 without showing brake lights took all of my coordination skills so as not to get pulled!

 

Over into Scotland and I pulled into the services for a BIG coffee and to adjust the fast idle,which had been sticking on,and back on the road-roof on now as it was POURING down! A bit upthe road the Bastard alternator light came on,not just a dim glow,but full on....noooooooooo. I pushed on switching off anything I could do without,and made it to the next services.I then noticed that at idle and slow speed the light would go out.So this is how the rest of the trip went,charging up the motorway for a while,then stopping and ticking over for a while,letting the battery get some food.Every now and again,the alternator belt let out a huge squeal and a groan and the light went off,this at least kept me awake!!

We finally got back to Glenrothes at ten past eight this morning. 24 feckin hours after I left, with no sleep...me absoluteley shattered and filthy,and the X on 3 cylinders making some horrible noises,but we were home...like 2 battle weary soildiers back from the front line after a tour of duty. I went straight to bed,and slept like a log until 4pm,and the car is sitting outside in the rain,waiting on some TLC to get it back into rude health!!

A big thanks to Jim for picking me up and letting me see his 1300's and hopefully I was right about your non working horn!

 

*adjustment*

Ya bastard. I'l maybe repay the favour one day, It took me a whole year to get this car sorted out properly. and I want my fuckin wheels.

 

I do not buy cars off "friends" anymore. Don't. Just don't.

 

Makeshift bootlace repair

 

[overrun]

The cheeky, corned beef cunt. It wouldn't have flattened his battery to ensure the cars fluids were in good order and the windscreen wasn't opaque.

 

A68. A cracking road. One of the blind summits really is like falling off the edge of the earth.

 

#toptatcollectionz

[Mr Livered]

What a great collection thread/post. I don't think you would have been lynched in the smoke for being Scottish, but it's true that Scottish money won't get you very far down here. That's something that Scots sometimes get really shirty about. I've sometimes wondered whether English money is similarly unwelcome north of the border?

 

Anyway, kudos for getting it all the way home when most would have failed.

[dollywobbler]

This is one of the best things I've ever read. What a journey!

[Jim Bell]

Glad you made it home.

I'd have been on to the AA wagon at the first "instance of unforeseen circumstance".

[meggersdog]

Epic bodging solution.What a tat collection story.

[Barry Cade]

I have an even better story when my Aprilia Pegaso shat it's cam sprocket on the Autobahn East of Berlin... I'll go digging.

[Sigmund Fraud]

HERO !!! I would have probably called the AA from the very beginning...

[DVee8]

Fuck well done. I would have sat crying like a girl shouting for my mum.

[Wilko220]

Great story!

 

As an aside, I gather it's against the law for a business in the UK to refuse to accept Scottish notes but take English ones.

[mercrocker]

Delivered and bonded with in one longest day....Surely there should be an AS "Ordure of the Shit-est Empire" or something for gallantry of this nature in the name of  Shite?!

[drum]

Excellent.

[Split_Pin]

Whenever I see a big post I'm often put off, but this story had me hooked, what a great read! I could really imagine you driving in the pouring rain with only the battery light to keep you company in the wee cockpit. Ace bootlace repair on the dizzy cap too!

 

MOAR PLZ.

[scruff]

How did I miss this - SUPERB

[derskine]

Agree this is gr8.

[CortinaDave]

Gr9 story. This is the sort of stuff we should be seeing in Practical Classics etc.

 

I have to admit, at the first breakdown I'd be straight on to the RAC/AA to relay the bastard thing home...

[Split_Pin]

Deffo worth a re-read on my lunch break!

[Skizzer]

Brilliant.  Missed this back in September so very glad for the thread resurrection.

 

This is the sort of thing I always expect to happen when collecting new tat - so far it hasn't, but you never know...

[eddyramrod]

Wow, what a tale!  Like many others, I would have been "recovered" from the first sign of failure.  We are noobs, your repairs are top Shiting!

[New POD]

What a great collection thread/post. I don't think you would have been lynched in the smoke for being Scottish, but it's true that Scottish money won't get you very far down here. That's something that Scots sometimes get really shirty about. I've sometimes wondered whether English money is similarly unwelcome north of the border?

 

Anyway, kudos for getting it all the way home when most would have failed.

I once worked in a petrol station, and the boss tried to dock my £1 an hour wages by £20 because I'd taken a perfectly legal Scottish Note, and he wanted to keep it. I didn't get his logic, so suggested that he pay me the £20 note in my £16 pay packet, and pay me £4 less next week.

 

I told my dad, who swapped the £20 for 2 tens out of his wallet, and then made a point, of going in, buying £20 of fuel, when the boss was on his own, and paying with the Scottish note, and when he met with refusal, offering to phone the police and trading standards and the local paper as "it's illegal not to take legal tender". The boss caved in.

 

Oh how we laughed.

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

Missed this the first time round. Glad I caught it, this was a great read. Being an 'annotated clean version' made it all the better, particularly this hilarious line:

 

Sprinting between the lights with the turbo chirping away was worth the train trip itself!! (being polite, twat)

 

[stilo_active]

How did I miss this? Fantastic read!

 

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