Autoshite lexicon

[CreepingJesus]

GR[integer] - originally from txt spk GR8 (great), a lower number may be inserted to infer not-so-greatness, a higher number for more greatness. Although, dependant on circumstance, a higher number may also infer less greatness. Irony/sarcasm filter may be required.

[CreepingJesus]

Fannymould - manifold. Cheers AS, this slipped out early this morning, when describing why i was suffering from fume poisoning, and my truck's exhaust was making that characteristic ticking noise. To wit:

Me "Erm, exhaust fannymould gasket's gone. Can you fix it?"

Fitter "Eh?"

[outlaw118]

Use of the word "TEH" instead of "THE". I believe it originated from icanhazcheezeburger dot com or somesuch, and is how cats would speak if they could speak. Err....

Another example of which is "I CAN HAZ" instead of "i have". Not compulsory by any means, and found annoying in certain quarters.

[Formula Autos]

Bavarian Sierra is a 5 Series. It's more a Macdroitwich thing isn't it?

 

The way the 3 series has grown over the years, I now see it as Sierra sized, and the 5 series as a Bavarian Granada.

 

I probably am conflating Macdroitwich and Autoshite with this one as well, having lurked for years on both sites; which brings me to another Macdroitwich term:

 

CLASS - Any BMC/BMH/BL/ARG/Rover/MGRover product.

 

I also thought I'd throw in:

 

Yakuza Happy Death Express - Pete M's insane Galant estate.

 

And also:

 

Filth - A vehicle that seriously arouses any true shitist. Often used in contexts such as: "that Fuego is utter FILTH, young Sir!".

[Albert Ross]

Monsieur Bolleaux - Mr. Bollox.

Also see Le Testicle.

 

Cheese eating, wine guzzling surrender monkeys - The French.

 

I would, but it's too far away (Insert lame repeated excuses here) - Time wasting cunt.

 

Oooof! - Has no equal in written state.

 

Etc.

[Formula Autos]

Council Estate Spec - A vehicle of similar outward appearance to Onslow from Keeping Up Appearances' Cortina. A vehicle with a certain "couldn't give a shit" air about it, that suggests it started its journey from an domestic appliance strewn front garden. Giveaway signs can include mismatched panels and wheels and a multitude of battle scars. Smaller, non-essential components such as badging, side indicators, and passenger mirrors are often removed/missing - perhaps in accordance with Colin Champan's ethos of "adding lightness". A prime example of this spec is THAT Volvo estate which I believe in currently in cms206's possession. Such vehicles are often judged to be grim/EPIC/full of WIN.

[cms206]

Council Estate Spec - A vehicle of similar outward appearance to Onslow from Keeping Up Appearances' Cortina. A vehicle with a certain "couldn't give a shit" air about it, that suggests it started its journey from an domestic appliance strewn front garden. Giveaway signs can include mismatched panels and wheels and a multitude of battle scars. Smaller, non-essential components such as badging, side indicators, and passenger mirrors are often removed/missing - perhaps in accordance with Colin Champan's ethos of "adding lightness". A prime example of this spec is THAT Volvo estate which I believe in currently in cms206's possession. Such vehicles are often judged to be grim/EPIC/full of WIN.

 

 

:grin: :grin: :grin:

 

Hirst Cabs - Autoshite's approved 24hr mostly absent fully unlicensed minicab firm.

 

The Doctor - wizard who's touch instantly adds a squillion quid to the price of any over polished tat.

[Partridge]

HGF should be “OMFGOMGHGFâ€Â. 

[HillmanImp]

Council Estate Spec 

 

Have I missed owt of has nobody said pov spec yet? For those untrained, pov spec is not a car in which grumble film sleazebag Ben Dover uses to do Point Of View jazz films of average looking bints who have hit hard times, it is in fact a poverty spec car, such as a Popular Escort. Ironically, a lot of girls in the Ben Dover films were also popular Escorts.

 

A Poplar escort is a car with a tree growing out of it.  

[Partridge]

Council Estate Touring Car I think ought to be added. 

 

Any old BMW, Lexus or Merc, preferably on “GAZ†plates. 

[Albert Ross]

eBay mongs- See: bumbers - 1st to see will buy - "Will you swap for Mondeo tonite M8" - "Whats yes bestest fer cash, wil cloect tnite" - When the advert plainly states "Has no tax and test, the engine is in the boot in a thousand pieces" yet they still ask if it will drive home to Ingatestone on a fiver.

 

See also "Mouth breather" and "Fucktard".

 

Jaywick - Autoshite Holiday destination of the year.

[meggersdog]

Raymanboy...the nuttier than squirrel shit ebay legend everyone secrectly aspires to be.

[barefoot]

HGF - a mid engined late model MG

[Spiny Norman]

And not forgetting The Doctor.

 

Another Ebay 'character' who specialises in buying already nice motors, valeting them to a whole new level and Photoshopping the fuck out the images so the cars look so good you want to eat them. Thus embiggened, these cars then fetch two to six times what a normal nice one would.

[chaseracer]

Jaywick - Autoshite Holiday destination of the year.

 

See also: "Rhyl".

 

If you dare...

[chaseracer]

Wob/bog/pudding (geodialectical variants): filler; major structural component of 'chod'.

[Junkman]

Audi - German supplier of quality tools, car accessories, and live essentials such as beer and carpet slippers.

Aldi - German maker of motorcars based in Ingolstadt.

[quicksilver]

Purple Helmet: real name Purple Horse, a purveyor of interesting but comically overpriced chod on ebay who keeps adding to his stock but very rarely actually sells anything.

[John F]

Or used sarcastically when anything is advertised by that dodgy looking foreign bird off "Goldies"(?).

"lovely bodywork, great headlights, goes like a train. ATCNBE"

 

Do you mean the lovely* Marina Wolter?

 

 

If not, she probably needs mentioning too...

[quicksilver]

Engine bummage/engine rape: removal of the engine from a fine and serviceable piece of shite in order to improve* a wanky scene mobile, usually followed by selling the sad remains on ebay. Often committed against poor innocent Allegros and Metros by Mini owners.

[John F]

I have trouble feeling sorry for Allegros and Metros, but that's because we all have a different idea of what autoshite is (curiously enough, we usually all seem to agree on what it ISN'T, though).

 

So this is probably a good juncture to introduce Canadian artist Alex Colville's picture "Horse and Train".

 

 

It often gets posted whenever there's an unresolvable difference of opinion in a thread, or when a contributor makes an unsupportable comment (e.g. "Metros make excellent long distance tow vehicles - amazingly, this extremely wrong thing HAS been claimed in these hallowed pages) or when toys are in mid-air on their way out of the pram for any other reason.

 

Autoshite contributor TooSavvy (q.v.) has a user pic loosely based on this picture where a horse-headed Lancaster bomber is dropping its load on Thomas the Tank Engine.

[quicksilver]

Velour: a seat covering often found in vehicles full of WIN. See also vinyl.

[vulgalour]

BARJ - Large luxury* vehicle.

[RedSparrow]

CPTC - Cat Piss Tarp Challenge. When posting shite spots, the challenge of guessing what vehicle lurks beneath an old builder's tarpaulin that smells of cat piss.

[Albert Ross]

"Crashing the Yogurt truck" Courtesy Pogweasel and others, literally an expression of severe oofage when a proper piece of chod is spotted, snapped, and produced on here in a spottage thread.

[Justin Case]

GLWTS - an expression of sympathy offered when a member is rash/daft enough to offer his P&J (qv) for sale in this forum. Literal translation is 'This car is too far away/too little/too big/too new/needs too much work'* for me and I would not touch it with a bargepole even if it wasn't but the bigger fool theory might just apply here'

 

* Other excuses are available

 

** Note alternative use of the asterisk to draw attention to footnotes

 

Shiters Syndrome - an irrational desire to swap an entirely suitable, reliable, rust-free and presentable but boring vehicle for one that only possesses the last of these attributes. See also dollywobbler

[Formula Autos]

Sherpa Cabrio/Coupe - MGB Roadster/GT

 

Cavalier in a shell suit - Vauxhall Calibra

 

Mondeo in a party frock - Ford Cougar

 

Pez - petrol

 

Dizzler - diesel

 

Dr. Diesel's evil invention - a compression ignition engine running on heavy fuel oil. A dizzler.

 

J-tin - A vehicle of Japanese origin.

 

Fugly - Worse than ugly. See also: gopping.

 

Moto-Scat - A breakaway movement from Autoshite, after a bit of a falling out. Aims to be more serious than AS. It's leader, Leonard Hatred (AKA Milford Cubicle/Marcello Gandini/Lacquer Peel/FOAD/plain old Len) can usually still be found on Autoshite though, as can some of the members of Moto-Scat - so it hasn't broken too far away.

 

OSF - Old Sporty Ford. Usualy subject to swingeing Scene Tax (see also). Most highly valuable OSFs can no longer be left parked on the roadside, as they would be taken, post-haste, by theiving scrotes (NB: not to be confused with a Scrote, which is a Ford Escort).

 

Gallic Quality Control - At its most rigorous this can include both a cursory glance AND a shrug of the shoulders.

 

Spaghetti Marelli - An italian automotive electronics firm. The world's leading purveyors of spaghetti electrics.

[chaseracer]

Shiters Syndrome - an irrational desire to swap an entirely suitable, reliable, rust-free and presentable but boring vehicle for one that only possesses the last of these attributes. See also dollywobbler

 

PMSL 

 

The above is also the accepted general response to news of Ian's latest acquisition... 

[vulgalour]

Beware, Shiters Syndrome is contagious as I found when I replaced a reliable, unbroken, trustworthy Maestro with a rusty, questionable, broken Citroen BX courtesy of Mr Wobbler.  Thankfully, I knew what I was letting myself in for and openly embraced this situation.

[CreepingJesus]

Magic Smoke - the stuff inside Lucas electrical equipment of years gone by, which would sometimes escape, causing a 'Failure To Proceed'. Available by the bottle on eBay.

 

Failure To Proceed - it was working ten minutes ago, now it isn't. And I need to get home.

 

Wanli Ditchfinder/Hwa Fong Slidemaster - cheap nasty shitty Chinese tyres, only available from dodgy backstreet tyre shops, and Kwik Fit. Made of secondhand chewing gum glued to recycled baling wire, curiously they have neither grip nor durability. See also Stomil, Barum, Double Coin and many others.

 

RESTECP - maybe another internets mis-spell meme, but it's an indication that any sense of respect has been lost, or never did exist.

 

Winnar - probly another internets mis-spell meme, but it's an indication that the person on whom it is bestowed has truly gone above and beyond*.

 

A-Frame - a method of towing a possibly dead car, with a passably alive one. Extra kudos gained from towing something of roughly equal mass to the towcar, over a long distance. Towing a Metro with a Discovery, 40 miles is good. Towing a Discovery with a Metro from Central France to Dingwall is for winnars. Restecp.

 

Arnold Clark - honest* upright* purveyor of quality used cars* and garage services* to the masses*. A byword for keen prices and quality services, guaranteed to bring out at least ten posters who've experienced the quality* at some time.