2013 Autoshite Quote Thread

[outlaw118]

Bugger, just logged on for exactly THIS ^^^^^^^^

[vulgalour]

Man that Countryman just highlights the importance of strong marketing. It looks terrible it does nothing terribly well, and naturally they will sell like KY Jelly to Leperous Sex Workers

[rml2345]

On the smell of LHM;

It's quite a sweet, pleasant smell. Far, far nicer than gearbox oil, which smells like the juice from satan's bum crack.

[quicksilver]

A concise summary of the problems with today's society, courtesy of Mr Volksangyl

The problem with [insert thing/place here] is the people in it. France, Facebook, British Leyland, Lidl... it applies to all these and more.

[skattrd]

In response to purplebargeken buying a rather tasty looking little DAF 66

 

That looks thoroughly rubbish, slow and dangerous in equal measures. I like it a lot.

 

That's pretty much the basic criteria for a shiters car isn't it?

[Pillock]

B0LL goes all charming on us:

 

air bag light is on but does not affect anything

 

It affects the airbag you fat cripple

[Inspector Morose]

Another Bol gem.

 

To diagnose any problems just connect it to a ‘Charles Babbage analytical engine’ via the local telephone exchange and read off the fault codes. “Hello Caller. The fault code you have requested is ‘P0053’: Loss of British sovereignty in Indiaâ€Â

[vulgalour]

On the subject of a woeful fed spec Marina...

Holy shit that's not a good look. It's like someone's put an already ugly child in braces.

[chaseracer]

In respect of a smoky Vitara and a Fleabay chancer...

 

** sensible lawyerly advice **

 

 

Yeah, but that's boring! It's the Internet so therefore in e-law you HAVE to suggest something far fetched. Landmark cases such as Cockwarbler Vs Fannybatter ('if that was me I'd have gone round to his house, burnt it down and shagged his wife) and Messers E. Conan and Quay-Boardwarrior Vs Knobwhistle ('I'd punch his lights out and sue him for defection of character') have set precedents.

 

[chaseracer]

Additionally...

 

Don't listen to Cavette. He is a notorious on-line bully on the run from the cyber police for being mean and nasty to people on the internet.

 

[chaseracer]

Dunno what he's having for breakfast but Billy's on form at the mo...

 

I always think that buying any modern Renault diesel would be like having a nut allergy and playing Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels. You just know that at some point you'll get choked when it all goes horribly wrong.

 

[gearoil]

Renners just not agreeing with him...

 

That Scenic looks like it's facing towards the sea. What time are you letting the handbrake off?

[Junkman]

Advice on what to do with a Voley 760 with rotten exhaust purchased off the bay after it's been sitting on a driveway for five years:

 

Chop the rotten pipes and run side exhausts using some old scaffolding polls, don't bother rubbing it down but still paint it satin black using no more than 3 cans of pound shop paint, chop 3 coils out the springs, weld the diff solid then stick it on ebay and watch the money roll in.

[Swampy21]

RML245 having just eaten a huge, sticky,sweet pudding at the last Scotoshite meet

 

Look at it.............It's like diabetes in a bowl!!!

[rml2345]

The law on towing is very simple. You're allowed to do it unless the police decide you're not, in which case you're not allowed. I don't know why everyone makes a fuss!

[vulgalour]

From the Woollarding thread.

 

Speaking for myself, I am now prepared to concede that a woollard is valid where the woollardist is gently knocking their forehead against the vehicle's bonnet whilst riding an adjacent exercise bicycle naked from the waist down, shrieking verses of the koran through a vuvuzela.

 

[vulgalour]

This very nearly made me wet myself.

 

 

Hey there, little Standard 10! Want a peanut? Standard 10 wanna peanut?

 

Um, are Standard 10s allergic to peanuts? 

 

OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD ITS FACE IS SWELLING UP CHECK THE TOOLKIT FOR ITS EPI-PEN

 

 

 

 

[Junkman]

Another classic you'll never read on any other forum.

 

...looks quite odd without the vinyl roof.

[Junkman]

You just couldn't make it up.

 

I have not been on Skype because my computer is presently about as reliable as something with an Italian engine, French electrics and British bodywork on Chinese tyres sold to the Indian home market.

[tooSavvy]

So this what's meant when they put on 'think of the environment before printing off this email'..... don't print dbbl posts? [@Pg3 and 4] 

tooSavvy

[Spiny Norman]

A comment from the Facebook page, when the forum was down a few minutes ago,

 

 

More 404s than a classic Peugeot dealer

[Junkman]

I don't think shiterdom can be congenital, mainly because in my experience it doesn't to much for the first pre-requisite for breeding, i.e. getting laid.

[Cavcraft]

Philbusmo's excellent description of a Clio just had me rolflollering my lmao off

 

'Oh and it was duller than a bucket of dull coloured dull wall paper paste made by Dull Wallpaper Paste Ltd'

[Hertz]

LOL!

 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/1978-MORRIS-MARINA-1-3-SDL-AUTO-RED-/161047968875

 

If Gail Porter rang me up on the landline, then while I was speaking to her this 1.3 automatic marina called my mobile, i'd tell Gail to 'call back later love'

[phil_lihp]

Cavette's on form again with this artfully constructed bile relating to an LDV Convoy 'Party Riot Bus' on the ebay tat thread:

 

 

'you will not be disappointed'

 

I'd be absolutely stunned if anyone was anything but disappointed with that. What a hopeless piece of toss, the only fucking 'riot' involving that would be when Paul 'Axeman Hammer Stabber' Lifer booked a limo for his 14 year old's birthday party and this bucket of wank showed up outside.

[Brent_Crude]

Cort16 from the Ebay Tat threat.... I am still cleaning up the tea I spat over my keyboard when laughing at this: 

 

"You know you've made it in life when you're being driven to your wedding in a clapped out Carlton funeral car painted in emulsion with half a wood burning stove no-more nailsed onto the front."

[Brent_Crude]

Cort16 from the Ebay Tat threat.... I am still cleaning up the tea I spat over my keyboard when laughing at this: 

 

"You know you've made it in life when you're being driven to your wedding in a clapped out Carlton funeral car painted in emulsion with half a wood burning stove no-more nailsed onto the front."

[Formula Autos]

Bucketeer (newish member, nice start!), in the Room 101 thread:

 

"If that was the 'Ultimate Driving Machine' then the BX diesel estate I replaced it with was Thrust SSC"

[CreepingJesus]

^ It has to be the quote, the whole quote, and nothing but the quote, in this case; the rest of it's solid gold.

 

" If that was the 'Ultimate Driving Machine' then the BX diesel estate I replaced it with was Thrust SSC, the Batmobile, the Powell Motors' Homer, KITT, Peter Perfects' Turbo Terrific, Concord and the bastard Space Shuttle all rolled into one by comparison."

[Junkman]

The stuff only a real Shiter can dream of...

 

Last night I dreamed I was playing this game [...] There was this sub level you played for bonus points that was like an old isometric racer - you drove this gold Seat Malaga diesel around a desert for no apparent reason - it wasn't against the clock or anything.

...and then post it in the 'what makes you grin' thread.

Any non-shiter would have seen a psychiatrist immediately.