is there a shite joke thread?

[mattblack]

A Welshman is is sitting in a pub with his son. He says "Son, I built this pub. In fact, I built most of the pubs and houses in the villages around here, but they don't call me Jones the builder do they?"

"No dad" his son replies.

"See the bar? I made that bar from scratch, in fact I made the bars for all the pubs around here, but the don't call me Jones the carpenter, do they?"

"No dad"

"OH NO, BUT YOU SHAG ONE LOUSY SHEEP..."

[CreepingJesus]

^Nice one x2, Carlo.

 

Somewhere in the Aussie outback, a recently unemployed (and mercifully stereotypical) hairdresser turns up at the roads depot, in response to their ad for a road line painter. The supervisor looks up from the cricket long enough to hire her, and point her to her 3" brush and big bucket of paint. He tells her 10km per day's a good average, and off she goes.

First day, she comes back having done 20km; supervisor pleased.

Second day, she comes back having done 10 km; supervisor still pleased.

Third day, she comes back having done 5km; supervisor not so pleased.

Fourth day, she comes back having done 1km; supervisor decides to see how it goes tomorrow.

Fifth day, she comes back having done 200m; supervisor pulls her into the office to see what's going on.

She says, "Well, the job's easy enough, but the bucket gets further away each day..."

 

An old one, but I'm struggling to update it, since I first heard it in Primary 7...

How do you get 6 Prime Ministers in a Mini? Two in the front, three in the back, Indira Ghandi in the ashtray...

[pompei]

Three engineers in a car, mechanical, electrical and computer. The car breaks down. Mechanical engineer says, "I think it's the drive shaft", electrical engineer says "I think it's the coil", computer engineer says "Let's all get out and get in again".

[carlo]

The centipede one was told by Joel Leizer on 'Old Jews telling jokes', a quite brilliant program on BBC4.

[CreepingJesus]

Rehashed an old one for AS...

 

An unnamed 'Shiter is cursing and swearing in the garage, when an angel appears beside him.

"What's your problem, sunshine?" asks the angel.

"None of these heaps will run right for long" replies the 'Shiter

"Ahhh" says the angel "I might have answers for you. You just need to put the right things in the tank, my friend."

So he pauses for a minute, looks around the garage, and continues, "The Camaro needs a couple of cans of Bud in there. The Dauphine needs some onion soup, the Alfa needs some chianti, and you should juice a cabbage into the Lada's tank. All will be well." with which, he vanishes.

So, the 'Shiter goes to the shop, clutching a shopping list scrawled on a fag paper. In his excitement, he can't quite read all of the notes, but gets the Bud, onion soup and chianti, and goes to the till. Suddenly he remembers - "Oh, and a cabbage for me Lada", to which the shopkeeper says...

(drum roll) "Sounds like a fair deal to me, mate." (boom tish)

 

I'll get me coat.

[Wilko220]

Essex girl's stiletto slips off the brake pedal of her white XR3i and she crashes into a wall. The ambulance crew arrive quickly and go to her aid. Pulling open the door, the paramedic announces he is there to help and asks: "Where are you bleeding from?"

 

"Romford," she replies...

[Negative Creep]

A man walks into a bar

 

 

 

 

Ouch.

[tonedepear]

Cheese & Tomato sandwich walks into a bar. "Pint of Guinness please mate"

 

Barman says, "Sorry, we don't serve food".

[M'coli]

Here's one from nearly 30 years ago:

 

Why was wearing seatbelts in the front made compulsory?

 

So you don't fall out of the Mini when the Met Police shoot you.

[warren t claim]

Here's one from nearly 30 years ago:

 

Why was wearing seatbelts in the front made compulsory?

 

So you don't fall out of the Mini when the Met Police shoot you.

 

Stephen Waldorf! Lol!

[lancashireclamper]

A Policeman is called to a Car Park where a member of the public has reported a group of youths gyrating about on top of parked vehicles.

The Policeman sees 4 Teenagers looking shifty and arrests them for damaging the roof of a Vauxhall Viva;

"It wasn't us" one of them mumbles;

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

"WE ARE MORRIS DANCERS"

[Negative Creep]

How do all racist jokes start?

 

With a look over your shoulder

 

and on that note.....

 

What do you call an Indian at a jumble sale?

 

Rummajin

 

 

What do you call an Indian pool attendant?

 

Juhanja Bandin

[Station]

I've just been to our office party and to my shame I shagged the ugly Chinese bird from reception in the lift.

 

I was fucking Wong on a lot of levels.

 

 

 

Q. What do you call a man driving a Skoda?

 

a. David. For I purchased a Felicia at the start of the month, and I am now using it to transport myself to a variety of destinations. Also, persons called many other names, as there have been over 1,000,000 Skoda cars sold in the UK.

[Station]

My favourite joke:

 

Q - What's the first sign of madness?

A - Suggs walking up your driveway.

[martc]

How do you get four elephants into a Mini?

Two in the front, two in the back.

 

How do you get two giraffes into a Mini?

Take the elephants out first.

 

How do you get two whales in a Mini?

Over the Severn bridge.

 

And a little more outer worldy...

 

Jimmy Saville in the Tardis.

Now then now then.

[scooters]

An old onwe but always makes me giggle

 

A man walks into a swish restaurant one morning..

 

"Where's the goddamned, motherfecking Manager you cock sucking arse

wipe?"

 

he politely inquires to one of the waiters.

 

The waiter is naturally taken aback and replies, "Excuse me sir but

could you please refrain from using that sort of language in here, I will get the manager as soon as I can".

 

The manager comes over and the fellah asks, " Are you the chicken

podgering,manager of this bastard joint?".

 

"Yes sir, I am," replies the manager, "but I would prefer it if you

could refrain from speaking such profanities in this, a private restaurant".

 

"arse off" replies the bloke "and where's the cvnting piano?"

"Pardon ?" says the manager.

 

"fecking deaf as well, are we? You little piece of snivelling felchshit, show

us your pissing piano"

 

"Ahhhh !" replies the manager, suddenly enlightened "you've come about the pianist job" andshows the bloke to the piano. "Can you play any blues?".

"Of course I can, you jizz wad" and the bloke proceeds to play the most inspiring and

 

beautiful sounding honky tonk blues that the manager has ever heard.

"That's superb. What's it called?"

"I want to bugger your missus on the sofa but the springs keep hurting me

knob," replies the bloke.

 

The manager is a bit disturbed and asks if the bloke knows any jazz. The

bloke proceeds, playing the most melancholy jazz solo the manager has

ever heard.

"Magnificent !" cries the manager "What's it called?"

 

"I wanted a wank over the washin' machine but me balls got caught in the

soap drawer".

 

The manager is a tad embarrassed and asks if he knows any romantic

ballads, the bloke then plays the most heartbreaking melody .

"And what's this called ?" asks the manager through his tears.

>"Ah" says the pianist"...well that one's called: 'As I shag you under the stars with the moonlight shining off your hairy ring-piece,"

 

The manager is highly upset by the bloke's language but can't deny his musical genius offers him the

job on condition that he doesn't introduce any of his songs or talk to any

of the customers.

 

This arrangement works well for a couple of months until one night

sitting opposite him the piano is the most gorgeous birds the pianist he has ever laid his eyes on,

she's wearing an almost see through dress, her tits are allmost falling out the top of her black lace bra, and the skimpy little `G' string she's wearing is riding up the crack of her arse. She is sitting there with

her legs slightly open sucking suggestively on asparagus shoots and the

butter is dripping down her chin! (get the picture).

 

Any way its too much for the pianist and he runs off to the bogs to

wrestle with his bald headed champ'. He's pulling away furiously when he hears

the managers voice "Where's that bloody pianist ?".

 

He just has time to chuck his custard and in a fluster he runs back to the piano having neglected to adjust himself properly, sits down and starts playing.

 

The bird sidles over to the piano, leans over and whispers huskily in his ear

 

"Do you know your knob and bollocks are hanging out your

trousers and dripping jizz on your shoes?".

 

The bloke replies loudly: "Know it ? I fucking wrote it"

 

 

I'll get me coat then..........

[HillmanImp]

MOTORISTS. Dont waste money buying oil for your car. Simply invest in a longer dipstick.

[Justin Case]

My wife phoned me and said,

'the car won't start, I've got water in the carburetor,

I said 'Where's the car'

She said 'In the river'

 

(Tommy Cooper's not mine )

[M'coli]

My wife phoned me and said,

'the car won't start, I've got water in the carburetor,

I said 'Where's the car'

She said 'In the river'

 

(Tommy Cooper's not mine )

"Where are you ringing from?"

"The waist down!"

[Cavcraft]

Watching the news about the stricken cruise ship and the Sky presenter said 'she's lying on her side with a gash the size of a tennis court'. I just happened to glance at the wife and now it's all kicked off!

[Guest]

^^^^^^^^^^^

 

[Skizzer]

Another one from Tommy Cooper:

 

A salesman is driving down the road when the boss phones him up on the carphone. "I've got good news," he says, "you've just been promoted to sales manager." The man is so surprised, he wobbles the steering wheel, like this. (Jus' like that.)

 

A few miles further on, the phone goes again and it's the boss. "You've been promoted again," he says. "You're now the sales director." The rep is so surprised he nearly crashes the car.

 

Ten minutes later, his boss rings him up a third time. "Congratulations, you've been promoted again," he says. "They've made you managing director." This time the bloke is so shocked he swings the wheel, loses control and crashes the car into a ditch.

 

The police come along and help him out of the car, then they ask him what happened. So he looks at them and says, "I careered off the road."

 

 

[Coat. Got.]

[mattblack]

I ran over the elephant man the other day.

 

It was a freak accident.

[cms206]

I make no apologies for these I've recently heard. They're fucking dreadful.

 

 

Who started the world's first knock-knock joke?

 

Two wee chaps!

 

 

 

I'm 50 and I was out at the pub with my 21 year old girlfriend and everyone keep shouting "PAEDO! PAEDO!".

 

It really spoiled our tenth anniversary!

 

 

 

During sex you burn as many calories as you would running eight kilometres.

 

Who the fuck runs eight kilometres in 30 seconds?!

 

 

 

I asked a pretty young homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said "Yes!" with a big smile.

 

The look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box...

 

 

 

Thought for the day - is stereotyping using two keyboards at once?

 

 

 

 

And finally for now, my favourite joke of all time ever...

 

 

Once upon a time, in the purple kingdom of Purpalon, there lived a purple king. One purple day this purple King, who was purply named Purple Purple the fifth, called his purple son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, over to his purple side.

 

"My purple son," the purple king said to purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, "in another purple kingdom a very short purple distance away there lives another purple king. This purple king has a purple princess that I think that you should marry. Here she is, the purple Princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia."

 

Purple prince Purple Purple the sixth, upon seeing the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, agreed to marry her. And so, one fine purple day, in the purple garden, Prince Purple Purple the sixth and stood by the purple altar and watched his purple bride-to-be, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, march down the purple aisle wearing a purple wedding dress and carrying a bouquet of purple flowers. Just as the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia reached the purple altar, however, an evil purple magician appeared and cast a purple spell on the purple princess. In a purply moment, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia had vanished.

 

"What have you done?" cried the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth.

 

"I have sent the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia to a purple cave in the purple mountain Mount Purpletop. There, in her purple cave, she is guarded by the purple dragon Purplefang. The purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia is purply safe there, but the purple dragon Purplefang, will not let her rejoin the purple kingdoms of Purpalon and Purplonia."

 

"You are purply insane," the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth said to the Purple magician, but the purple magician had vanished.

 

"What are you going to do, my purple son?" the purple king Purple Purple the fifth of Purpalon asked his son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth.

 

"I am going to take my purple horse, Purple Lightning, and my purple sword, Purple Death, and go slay the purple dragon Purplefang and rescue the fair purple maiden the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia."

 

"May the purple God speed you well on your purple journey," the purple king Purple Purple the fifth of Purpalon purply blessed his purple son, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth. With that, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth got his purple sword, Purple Death, and his purple horse, Purple Lightning, and rode off to the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia.

 

The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, rode his purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.

 

Eventually, the purple horse Purple Lightning got tired, so the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth carried his purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the purple mountain of Mount Purpletop and the purple cave thereon, in which lived the purple dragon Purplefang and his purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.

 

Finally, the Purple prince Purple Purple the sixth reached the purple mountain Mount Purpletop. There, in a purple cave on top of the purple mountain, Prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon could see the purple smoke from the purple dragon Purplefang who lived in the purple cave in which the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia was a purple prisoner. Our purple hero, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, climbed the purple mountain Mount Purpletop and slew the purple dragon Purplefang as the purple beast slept purply. The purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon rescued the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. But their purple adventures were not yet come to their purple close. They still had to get home purple and sound.

 

So...

 

The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, and the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, rode the purple horse Purple Lightning over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.

 

Eventually, the purple horse Purple Lightning got tired, so the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth carried his purple horse Purple Lightning and the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. He crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.

 

Eventually, The purple hero of this purple story, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon, got tired, so the newly rescued purple heroine, the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, carried the purple horse Purple Lightning and the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon over many purple miles over many purple roads and through many purple fields. She crossed many purple streams and many purple mountains, though none of them were the same purple mountain of Mount Purpletop which in the purple cave thereon the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth slew the purple dragon Purplefang and rescued the purple prisoner the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia. When the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth crossed these purple mountains, he trudged his way through purple snow. Purple sand lined the purple deserts he crossed, and there was purple water in the purple oasises.

 

Purple alases and purple alaks, though, for it seems our purple heroes, the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon and the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia got lost on their way home, for they wandered into the purple kingdom of an evil purple king, the evil purple king Purple Purponovov of Purplovia. This evil purple man had the purple heroes,the purple prince Purple Purple the sixth of Purpalon and the purple princess Purplina Purple of Purplonia, arrested and thrown into the purple dungeon. Just before the evil purple king Purple Purponovov of Purplovia threw them in, however, he said....

 

"Indigo."

[Guest]

Shakespeare walks into a bar.

 

Landlord says : 'You're bard'.

[HillmanImp]

My favourite sexual position is the JFK. Its where I splatter all over her in the back of the car whilst she screams and tries to get out.

[Guest]

I asked a pretty young homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said "Yes!" with a big smile.

 

The look on her face when I walked off with her cardboard box...

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^ Best one yet - and I have nicked it.

 

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the pavement, and stopped inches from a shop window. For a second everything went quiet in the taxi, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said he didn't realise that a little tap could scare him so much. The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years!"

[Timewaster]

Italian divers searching the stricken cruise ship have found two glaswegians in the bar. They told the divers to fuck off, they're all inclusive.

[Cavcraft]

Just bought a raffle ticket to wina Mediterranean cruise. No winners this week but fancy my chances now as it's a roll over.

[Guest]

My wife gave me £50 and told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy.

You should've seen her face when I came home pissed!