is there a shite joke thread?

[504GL]

 

[daverapid]

What's the difference between a hedgehog and a Skoda?

 

 

 

 

The pricks are on the OUTSIDE of the hedgehog!

[Negative Creep]

Why do Skodas have heated rear windows?

 

To improve rearward visibility by removing condensation

 

 

[tonedepear]

What do you call a convertible Å koda?

 

A Rapid

 

[dollywobbler]

"My dog has no nose."

"How does it smell?"

"It can't."

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

What is a necrophiliac's favourite car?

 

A Bluebird.

[Shep Shepherd]

Q: Why did 20th century Essex girls feel an affinity with Dagenham men?

 

A: Because they both spent a lot of their time in Fords

[Negative Creep]

What is a necrophiliac's favourite car?

 

A Bluebird.

 

 

Oh bugger

[autofive]

[Cavcraft]

I've just been to our office party and to my shame I shagged the ugly Chinese bird from reception in the lift.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I was fucking Wong on a lot of levels.

[Guest]

An ice cream seller was today found on the floor of his van covered in hundreds and thousands. Police said he topped himself.

[Guest]

I rear-ended a car this morning …

 

I tell you, I knew right then and there that it was going to be a REALLY bad day.

The driver got out of the other car, and wouldn't you know it! He was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said, "I'm NOT f***ing happy!"

So I said, "Which f***ing one ARE you then?"

 

That's how the fight started...

[tonedepear]

I was walking past the library on my lunch break last week and some mainiac ran out with a pair of scissors and cut an inch off the bottom of my trouserlegs, then ran back in.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I said "that's a turn up for the books".

[warren t claim]

Women are like second hand cars.

 

Doesn't matter how much you like it, always remember another bloke's thrashed the fuck out of it then got rid of it for a better one.

[warren t claim]

My son is learning to drive, and has been going on about me buying him a new car.

 

"I'll need an L-plate too", he said.

 

What a relief, 1993 Escorts are fucking cheap.

[warren t claim]

Guinness Records 2009 (Womens Edition) Courtesy of VIZ.

 

CAR PARKING

The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was one of 19.36m (63ft 2in), equivalent to three standard parking spaces, by Mrs Elizabeth Simpkins,driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing' on 12th October 1993. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop frontage and two lamp posts.

 

INCORRECT DRIVING

The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504km (313mile) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr. Julie Thorn(GB) at the wheel of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right indicator flashing.

 

Some pedant is doubtless going to now mention that the Saab 990 has a handbrake that works on the front wheels.

[Pete-M]

Some pedant is doubtless going to now mention that the Saab 990 has a handbrake that works on the front wheels.

 

Not guilty. What's a Saab 990?

[Lacquer Peel]

Late 900s have a rear handbrake, but 1987 is a bit early I think.

[tonedepear]

MY88 was the year they changed. So unless it was utterly brand spanking new it'd be front hand brake.

 

[ProgRocker]

 

 

 

An oldie but a goodie.

Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door. When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Japanese man, clutching a clipboard and yelling, "You Sign! You sign!" Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts.

 

Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Japanese man starts to yell louder: "You sign! You sign!"

 

Nelson says to him, "Look, you've obviously got the wrong man", and shuts the door in his face.

 

The next day he hears a knock at the door again. When he opens it, the little Japanese is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson's nose, yelling, "You sign! You sign!"

 

Mr. Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Japanese man back, shouting: "Look, go away! You've got the wrong man! I don't want them!" Then he slams the door in his face again.

 

The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening it, there is the same little Japanese thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, "You sign! You sign!"

 

Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him; "Look, I don't want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?

 

The little Japanese man looks at him very puzzled, consults his clipboard and says...

 

(Get your Japanese accent ready...)

 

"You not Nissan Main Dealer?"

[HillmanImp]

You can tell a lot about a person from their car. For example, if its in a ditch its owned by a woman. *

 

* Please no linky to my GT6 video on YouTube

[Guest]

A blonde was driving home after a football game, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm. Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a body shop. The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun. He told her just to go home and blow into the tail pipe really hard, and all the dents would pop out. So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into her car's tailpipe. Nothing happened. She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.

 

Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said, "What are you doing?"

 

The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her to blow into the tailpipe in order to get all the dents to pop out. Her roommate rolled her eyes and said, ...

 

"HELLLLO" "You need to wind up the windows"

[Guest]

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian agent stops them and tells them: "Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro." "What do you mean it's illegal?" asked the Englishmen. "Quattro means four," replies the Italian official. "Quattro is just the name of the automobile," the Englishmen says disbelievingly. "Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons." "You can'ta pulla thata one ona me," replies the Italian customs agent."Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakin'a the law". The Englishmen reply angrily, "You idiot! Call your supervisor over We want to speak to someone with more intelligence!" "Sorry," responds the Italian official, "he can'ta come"."He's a busy with two guys in a Uno".

[HillmanImp]

'Honestly officer, I was just looking at getting an old banger to smoke around in for a few weeks as my other car failed its MOT'

 

That's the last time I respond to an advert for a '12 year old Escort' advertised in the back of the local newspaper.

[Negative Creep]

In today's society, one of the most reprehensible acts is having sexual relations with a minor

 

 

I would take ages to wash the exhaust soot off

[trigger]

Just back from holiday in Thailand and l came so close to shagging a ladyboy!

Looked like a lady, walked like a lady, talked like a lady, kissed like a lady!.....It was only when she drove me to her place and reversed the car into the garage first time i thought to myself ''hang on a minute ...''

[carlo]

There’s a very wealthy man who likes exotic pets. He goes into a pet store and says ‘I would like the most exotic pet you have in this pet store.’ The pet store owner says ‘I just happen to have something. It’s a centipede that both talks and sings operatic arias.’ ‘It talks and sings opera?’ ‘Yes, constantly’, says the store owner, so they go into the back of the store and carry the centipede out, and he actually carries on a conversation with the centipede as he fetches it. When it starts singing the man says ‘I’ll take it’.

 

So he takes it away, along with a little house that it lives in, and brings him home. So he’s having a great time; the centipede sings for him, he carries on conversations with him. He says ‘I have to share this with my friends’, so he goes ahead and says to the centipede ‘Come on, we’ll go down to the bar and we’ll have a couple of drinks, I’ll show you off to my friends; we’ll have a great time.’

 

No response, the centipede is still in his house. So he says again ‘Come on, we’ll go down to the bar, we’ll have a couple of drinks, we’ll have a good time! Still, no response from the centipede. So he goes to the back where the centipede is and he starts banging on the little house where the centipede is. ‘Come on, come on, come on, we’re going to go down- !’

 

Suddenly the centipede sticks his head out and says ‘I heard you the first time, I’m putting on my shoes!’

[dollywobbler]

Carlo. I wish to complain. I found your joke hilarious and not at all shite. Even the wife loved it!

[Cavcraft]

A lad gets a job in a butcher's shop in a village a few miles away. The first morning he's doing so well the boss tells him he's going to leave him in charge whilst he goes out for the afternoon.

Shortly after he leaves an old lady comes in and asks the young lad for an Ayelesbury duck. The lad looks at the masses of ducks on the shelf and passes down the first one he sees.

At this the lady rolls up her sleeve, shoves her hand in the duck's are and says 'That's not an Ayelesbury duck, that's a Birmingham duck!'

The lad apologies profusely and gets the next duck off the shelf.

Once again the lady rolls her sleeve up, shoves her hand in the duck's arse and says 'That's not an Ayelesbury duck either, that's a Lancastaer duck!'

Same routine again with the next duck, this time she shoves her hand up it's arse and declares 'That's not a bloody Ayelesbury duck either you imbecile, that's a Stafford duck!'

Finally after much sweating the lad gets the last duck on the shelf, passes it to the lady who after having shoved her hand up it's arse states 'THAT'S an Ayelesbury duck at long last, now get get it wrapped for me young man!'

As the lad is wrapping it up for her the lady remarks she hasn't seen the lad before and asks where he's from. With that the lad jumps on the counter, pulls his pants down and says 'you tell me, you're the fucking expert!'

[carlo]

OK, so it's 3am and this guy's at home asleep with his wife when suddenly the doorbell goes, waking him up. So he looks at the clock and thinks "who on earth's that going to be 3 am?" But the bell goes again so he gets up and he goes downstairs, and he answers the door and there's this guy standing there. So he's like: "What do you want ringing my doorbell at 3am?" And the guy is all apologetic and he says: "I'm so sorry, but I really need a push."

 

Now the first guy's pretty angry at this point: he's tired, he's got work in the morning so he tells the guy where to go, closes the door on this stranger and goes back to bed. But when he gets there his wife asks him who it was, and when he tells her she gets really upset, shouting: "How could you do that; maybe that man had his wife with him, maybe they have kids, maybe they need to go the hospital." So the guy gets back up and he goes downstairs and he opens the door, but he can't see the guy any more, and it's dark, so he just shouts out "You still out there mate? Whereabouts are you?" And the answer comes back: "I'm just back here on the swing."