If you were going to design a car and you wanted to be a complete bastard…

[DSdriver]

A carburetor mounted in the middle of a V engine so that if there is a fuel leak the V fills with petrol and the catches fire.

Gearstick held in with a cap from an oil can with a hole in it,

Starter motor mounted behind the exhaust manifold which you need to remove and its heat shields to gain access.

See Ford Corsair, Vauxhall HB Viva and Citroen DS for reference.

[Metal Guru]

Make the brakes work by having a clamping mechanism acting on a large steel disc attached to the wheel assembly.

Get said discs made in China from the rubbish we send them for recycling,  so they warp after a few thousand miles and have to be replaced every year.

 

[Cavcraft]

Have we had wet belts yet?

[Madman Of The People]

On 27/05/2025 at 14:57, sierraman said:

As above. If you wanted to design a car today and make it a total twat for people down the line what would you do! I’d have a wet belt between the engine and gearbox with a tensioner made completely from biodegradable plastic. Ideally with some sort of seal that is applied with a mastic gun that has a 2 minute time to go off allowing you loads* of time to marry up the gearbox and engine. A thermostat housing that is literally jam packed between the cylinder head and the bulkhead. Necessitating the engine to be dropped out to remove it.

Don’t forget to make sure that wet belt is on the back of the engine, so that you’ll need to separate the engine from the gearbox in order to change it!
 

 

[sierraman]

I’d have an infotainment system that was absolutely chock full of Adware, when you go put the heater on you’d have to sit through 2 minutes of adverts from selected partners. Every 5 minutes if you had your own music on there would be an ad break. 

[Madman Of The People]

All wiring looms need to be made with biodegradable insulation to protect puppies, kittens, whales, or whatever.  Said insulation will begin to fail within a few years, causing all sorts of electrical gremlins.

The wheel bolt pattern needs to be of an odd size with an odd number of bolts that no aftermarket wheel manufacturer makes.  Lug nuts will be tightened clockwise on one side of the car, anticlockwise on the other.

Tyres also need to be an odd size, which only one supplier can produce until they finally say sod it and discontinue the tyres altogether.  Oh, and front and rear tyres need to be a different size so you can’t rotate them.

Also, the whole car needs to be assembled with an unpredictable mixture of Imperial, Metric, and Whitworth bolt sizes so that anyone working on it will need to buy three sets of spanners.  
 

 

[Madman Of The People]

Also, the intake manifold, thermostat housing, water pump, and anything else you can think of needs to be made from the most brittle plastic known to man.

Air suspension engineered to fail within moments after the warranty expires.

Also, have an On-Star like telematics system that becomes obsolete when the next generation of mobile phones are introduced and can’t be upgraded or retrofitted to be compatible with the new technology.

 

[lisbon_road]

On 30/05/2025 at 13:48, DSdriver said:

A carburetor mounted in the middle of a V engine so that if there is a fuel leak the V fills with petrol and the catches fire.

Gearstick held in with a cap from an oil can with a hole in it,

Starter motor mounted behind the exhaust manifold which you need to remove and its heat shields to gain access.

See Ford Corsair, Vauxhall HB Viva and Citroen DS for reference.

As the owner of an HB Viva (no kidding), I'd suggest that the design with a Stromberg carb with the jet at the bottom sealed with an O ring right over the exhaust manifold possibly also left something to be desired.  Not a unique arrangement I believe.  

[Surface Rust]

All fixings to have an odd number of sides so that no existing spanners or sockets will fit.

Not sure if the transmission type has been specified yet, but if not I'd suggest the crudely conceived Turbo Encabulator.

Here's a helpful instructional video on their service and repair 

 

[Madman Of The People]

2 hours ago, Surface Rust said:

All fixings to have an odd number of sides so that no existing spanners or sockets will fit.

Not sure if the transmission type has been specified yet, but if not I'd suggest the crudely conceived Turbo Encabulator.

Here's a helpful instructional video on their service and repair 

 

1988-93 Dodge Dynasty in the background, to give some indication of when this was filmed.

 

[Marina door handles]

11 hours ago, Madman Of The People said:

Tyres also need to be an odd size, which only one supplier can produce until they finally say sod it and discontinue the tyres altogether.  Oh, and front and rear tyres need to be a different size so you can’t rotate them.  
 

 

That will be a BMW i3 then! Had to order tyres for one of these when working at Cazoo. One choice of manufacturer as weird sizes (different front to back)   only the front tyres were available that week in this country and I needed rears!

[Snipes]

Setting rear toe adjustment on SL Mercedes. We'll use a downward facing torx, and then we'll run the exhaust millimeters beneath that. Good luck getting your drive bit in there, tyre monkeys!

(You can just about squeeze one in there if you hold the exhaust over to one side, but it all felt very unnecessary)

[CaptainBoom]

Have we had an engine and gearbox mounted under the rear seats a la the Volkswagen EA266?
Every servicing task requires removal of the rear seat squab which will be clipped in with brittle plastic clips, when broken the rear seat will never stay put again. The clips will be on permanent back order at dealerships as the cheese-like construction of the plastic from the original batch can never be re-made and no one has the appetite to make them properly.

‘Heavy servicing’ to the engine requires dropping the rear subframe completely, the gearbox to go up into the back seat of the car, the engine to go downwards, under the car. Simultaneously.

The jacking points are inverse cone-shaped so road grime can fill the void and will rot the body in short order. Special cone adaptors need to be fitted to trolley jacks to allow them to lift the car safely. Non-use of the special adapters will damage the sills (a la Audi A2) and the car will just slide off the jack head. Cone adaptors need to be replaced after every five lifts leading to a shortage.

The heater settings are ‘non-user serviceable’. They are set at the factory to 24.5 degrees and will always remain that way regardless of ambient temperature. Fan speed will always be at maximum.

Wipers are completely automatic, no manual override. Only one speed is provided, that being so quick the car rocks from side to side like a demented ragamuffin. A la Metro.

Central locking is achieved by the registered keeper licking the underside of the drivers door mirror, it will only unlock the passengers door. Sensors for this will fail due to exposure to road salt and are unobtainium.

Heat and noise from the engine would radiate up into the rear seat, cooking the occupants of the vehicle and deafening them.

[goosey]

All wires in the wiring loom would be black and an inch shorter than they need to be 

all connections would have the same type of plug 

 

[grogee]

"Temporary Mobility System" which has a bottle of goo that goes out of date inside a couple of years. 

Nobody ever checks it and it's solidified by the time you need it. 

Under the bonnet, all fixing heads are of the VW triple-square design. 

There are no buttons or controls in the cabin, only "voice recognition" that was programmed by the Chinese. 

Electric windows are security coded and require fingerprint recognition to open and close. 

The car will not start until it is linked to your phone app. Your phone is the car alarm 'siren' which cannot be disabled, even with the phone switched off. 

[EyesWeldedShut]

On 28/05/2025 at 10:06, sierraman said:

An AI personal assistant that makes small talk with you as you drive. Cannot be turned off. 

Wife?

[DSdriver]

14 hours ago, sierraman said:

I’d have an infotainment system that was absolutely chock full of Adware, when you go put the heater on you’d have to sit through 2 minutes of adverts from selected partners. Every 5 minutes if you had your own music on there would be an ad break. 

Yesterday I was given a lift in a big bastard BMW and was surprised to see an advertisement taking up about one third of the screen used by the reversing camera. I'll stick to using mirrors thank you.

[sierraman]

An electrically released glovebox lid, operated through the eighth sub menu on the infotainment system. Operated by a series of really fragile plastic cogs only available as one complete unit that costs £785.

A subscription service to access the service history of the car, £9.99 a month. After 5 years though it’s no longer supported so you lose it. 

[New POD]

when the dealer plugs the diagnostics into ypur car, this gets a permanent data record which the manufacturer can view.  This data so useful that they employ lots of PhD graduate in AI and Datanalytics to crunch the data and use it to design all the mechanical components to fail just outside of warranty period. Obviously if they don't fail, the software will be updated next time it I'd plugged in and it will fail random functions instead.  The system will be connected via mobile data so there will be no need to plug in. 

Just like phones. 

[New POD]

2 hours ago, goosey said:

All wires in the wiring loom would be black and an inch shorter than they need to be 

all connections would have the same type of plug 

 

They wires will gradually turn white over time. 

All plug sockets will have tabs that break unseen if you disconnect them, so once used they will vibrate loose within 200 miles.

All cables going to the gearbox will have a fixing method that pops apart at 105k so that the car will be permanently in reverse.  Because the car is in reverse it won't start. Although the gear Lever will be locked in Park. 

Luckily the AA man will have seen this 1000 times before and will have worked out a fix using 2 tie wraps.  A permanent fix will require removal of engine, gearbox and dash board, so the AA man will give you 4 tie wraps and written instructions should the tie wraps fail. 

(This happened to me last week) 

[New POD]

14 hours ago, lisbon_road said:

As the owner of an HB Viva (no kidding), I'd suggest that the design with a Stromberg carb with the jet at the bottom sealed with an O ring right over the exhaust manifold possibly also left something to be desired.  Not a unique arrangement I believe.  

The original design will have included a heat shield so any petrol escaping would drain off harmlessly, but will have been removed to save 2 shillings and 6 d

[grogee]

On 29/05/2025 at 18:48, Momentary Lapse Of Reason said:

Nah, we'll have to use a Sinclair ZX80, build from a kit by a colour blind person.

Given the ZX80's tendency to overheat we'll need to mount it in a sealed box on top of the heater.

 

[grogee]

5 hours ago, sierraman said:

An electrically released glovebox lid, operated through the eighth sub menu on the infotainment system.

This is actually true in the Volvo EX30. Although the glovebox icon is on the home screen. 

 

Sometimes. 

[DavidB]

After raining, a bootlid, that when opened drains all of the rain water directly into the engine/interior (VX220, Smart Roadster).

A convenient 'tray' to catch all the mud and grime in front of the rear wheels. (nearly every car made)

[LightBulbFun]

20 hours ago, Madman Of The People said:

Also, the whole car needs to be assembled with an unpredictable mixture of Imperial, Metric, and Whitworth bolt sizes so that anyone working on it will need to buy three sets of spanners.  

I see you have also worked on a Model 70 then?

All hail the Metrinch set! one of my best tool purchases by a long shot! (along with an iFixit 64 bit screw driver set for my electronics works)

8 hours ago, CaptainBoom said:

Have we had an engine and gearbox mounted under the rear seats a la the Volkswagen EA266? .... the gearbox to go up into the back seat of the car, the engine to go downwards, under the car. Simultaneously.

you mean thats not how you normally service your transmission?

to be fair its not too bad, but the bolts that hold the seat-back on are im pretty sure are some form of Whitworth

[Momentary Lapse Of Reason]

2 hours ago, LightBulbFun said:

I see you have also worked on a Model 70 then?

More likely he has enjoyed* working on a Series Land Rover...

[Madman Of The People]

I wonder if you owned a car designed by a complete bastard, would you have to take it here to be serviced?

Looks like my kind of establishment!

“The garage is run by the Bastard family, who take pride in…” 😁

4.3 stars on Google!

Garage Bastard. 29 Rue De Rives, 37160 Abilly, France.

https://fr.ecomify.net/explore/garage-bastard/

 

[lisbon_road]

Obviously we've had wet belts but for a fantasy worse than that, how about a dry chain?

Far too many of the previous messages seem to be reality not fantasy.

[brownnova]

Screen wash bottle directly above the battery… for extra pressure not to spill when filling and even more fun when it leaks…

 

Someone developing the Pontiac TransSport thought it was a good idea at some point! 

[Zelandeth]

Pretty simple I think.  Take a mid 80s V12 XJ-S, but add the suspension and hydraulic system from a Citroen XM.  There you go.  Utter maintenance hell.