If you were going to design a car and you wanted to be a complete bastard…

[sierraman]

A 15 speed automatic gearbox with the ECU built inside the gearbox in some sort of oil proof* sleeve fitted inside the gearbox. Which when you take it apart amounts to not much more than a Morrisons carrier bag. 

[RayMK]

User friendly* smear screen only controls, readily* accessible control functions achieved via logical* drop down menus.  In the event of the control functions being unreadable due to sunlight, greasy fingerprints from McDonalds or missing pixels, additional driver safety aids such as lane keeping and radar pacing cruise control and automatic emergency braking will be provided, together with another 5 ECUs  (dealer only service items) needed to run the electronic shitshow  masterpiece whilst you concentrate on the screen.  Voice controls, if commanded using a German accent, will enable a convenient alternative for key features such as changes of mood lighting to be operated whilst trying to turn the heater down for the left rear passenger's central outlet using drop down sub menu number three on the screen.   

[Volksy]

So, 

Every car we own and love on this forum? 

[Matty]

12 minutes ago, Volksy said:

So, 

Every car we own and love on this forum? 

Not me yet. Still strictly analogueish. 

This could be thread of the year yet mind.

[bunglebus]

Eco friendly cardboard bodywork that dissolves into mush after 5 years

[High Jetter]

An Alfa badge?

[RayMK]

4 minutes ago, Volksy said:

So, 

Every car we own and love on this forum? 

Ummm.  Possibly, but as I'm an ancient old git I try to avoid the technological design masterpieces introduced after 1986.  I can understand rust and mechanicals but complex electronics leave me cold.  Clever, yes. Reliable whilst under warranty, yes.  Recycleable shortly after warranty expiry, yes, but also wasteful overall in energy and resources.  Unfortunately, although simpler long term durable,  serviceable designs are possible, they don't make commercial sense and people seem to want gimmicks on PCP  rather than ownership or real driving pleasure. 

[Metal Guru]

1 hour ago, Supernaut said:

On the subject of tyres.

Wheels with a square hole for the tyre valve. It would require proprietary tyre valves at a cost of £stupid.

 

The mid cycle facelift would have wheels with triangular holes for the tyre valves, which would cost £fuckyou. Plus it would get hubs with totally different bolt patterns and centre bores so you couldn't fit the wheels from the pre facelift.

It would also have 7-bolt wheels, but a totally different PCD to when Ford did it.

 

Also one single headlight the entire width of the car with a fluorescent tube in it.

What about having no spare tyre , so when you get a puncture you have two options?

1. Small hole. Use can of sealant and then no tyre repairer will touch it. New tyre £150 please.

2. Big hole. Sealant won’t fill the hole , you’re stranded. Need recovering . New tyre £150 please plus 2 hours waiting at the road side. 

[RayMK]

3 minutes ago, Metal Guru said:

What about having no spare tyre , so when you get a puncture you have two options?

1. Small hole. Use can of sealant and then no tyre repairer will touch it. New tyre £150 please.

2. Big hole. Sealant won’t fill the hole , you’re stranded. Need recovering . New tyre £150 please plus 2 hours waiting at the road side. 

Yep. Had this recently, together with a crushed tyre pressure sensor valve at £95 including recoding.

[goosey]

I would get some eccentric engineer type who is difficult to work with and be around who does his designs on scraps of paper and won’t listen to anyone else’s opinion and wants to re-invent the wheel to design it, then spend the rest of my time testing my own urine 

[Wibble]

2 hours ago, D.E said:

Will admit to being caught out by a dogleg first in a Mercedes hire van 35 years ago.

[LightBulbFun]

3 hours ago, Supernaut said:

Also one single headlight the entire width of the car with a fluorescent tube in it.

dont threaten me with a good a time!

 

also you joke but some higher-end/trim level cars of the 2000's had  a high level brake light incorporating a small diameter neon tube in it, in place of the usual string  of small incandescent bulbs 

 

also I feel obliged to mention @Yoss and his Routemaster which has not 1, not 2, but 4 fluorescent tubes behind a sealed advertising panel that only work when they feel like it and rarely all together at once  (its like if 1970's British leyland industrial relations was a fluorescent light installation...)

 

[lesapandre]

Locking wheel nuts...with an unobtainable replacement key.

[sierraman]

Just now, lesapandre said:

Locking wheel nuts...with an unobtainable replacement key.

Shear nuts on the wheels. 

[EyesWeldedShut]

2 minutes ago, sierraman said:

Shear nuts on the wheels. 

With left handed threaded studs on the left hand side - strictly for safety purposes, not for giggles.

[sierraman]

ECU insulated in a sponge inside the front wheel arch. 

[busmansholiday]

9 minutes ago, EyesWeldedShut said:

With left handed threaded studs on the left hand side - strictly for safety purposes, not for giggles.

Old British built buses and trucks always had lefthand threads on the nearside wheels whist Bedford built some buses with gears that were randomly located by design.

 

As for moderns, I think they should alter keyless entry to be controlled by a microchip implanted in the owners hand (a bit like dog id chips) that means a week in a private hospital at your own expense to have it removed when you sell the car.

 

[sierraman]

13 minutes ago, busmansholiday said:

Old British built buses and trucks always had lefthand threads on the nearside wheels whist Bedford built some buses with gears that were randomly located by design.

 

As for moderns, I think they should alter keyless entry to be controlled by a microchip implanted in the owners hand (a bit like dog id chips) that means a week in a private hospital at your own expense to have it removed when you sell the car.

 

Or when someone severs your hand off at 2:45am from the comfort of your bed to steal your Golf. 😂

[EyesWeldedShut]

13 minutes ago, busmansholiday said:

Old British built buses and trucks always had lefthand threads on the nearside wheels whist Bedford built some buses with gears that were randomly located by design.

AWD TL - last of the Bedfords really - left hand threaded studs (ask me how I know) and a Spicer gearbox that had a weird gearchange pattern (I think it was a left and forwards dog leg into first) Second was where first would normally be. Then you had and 'H' setup for 2,3,4,5 and reverse was in some other weirdo location. Clutch setup for Geoff Capes too.
 

[D.E]

A supercar with a McLaren F1 like central driver's position, but we'll leave the gearstick in the middle as well, between your legs. To onlookers it will seem that: a. you are driving with a massive boner and b. you appear to be furiously masturbating every time you shift.

[matt79]

Operation of heating, a/c, lights, indicators, wipers, radio stations etc controlled via a series of unmarked switches and stalks on the dashboard and steering column. Each of these functions is randomly assigned to a switch or stalk every time the ignition is switched on.

[EyesWeldedShut]

Sounds like we're building one of these? Progress........

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Centre_Steer#/media/File:Centresteer1.jpg

[sierraman]

32 minutes ago, matt79 said:

Operation of heating, a/c, lights, indicators, wipers, radio stations etc controlled via a series of unmarked switches and stalks on the dashboard and steering column. Each of these functions is randomly assigned to a switch or stalk every time the ignition is switched on.

Touch screen release for the doors. 

[matt79]

2 minutes ago, sierraman said:

Touch screen release for the doors. 

The touch screen measuring 2mm x 2mm & indiscernible from the rest of the dash

[sierraman]

Finger tip release for the doors on the outside. So you during winter after a run on the motorway your hands end up filthy. Instant fuel economy and range alerts every 2 minutes to your smart watch. An email every day with your driving score on where it criticises you accelerating or braking. The report sent then to the manufacturer for consideration on any warranty claims. An AI personal assistant that makes small talk with you as you drive. Cannot be turned off. 

[RustyNuts]

Ah I'm somewhat of an expert here coming from renault territory.. they make the most lovable cars on the planet that are a PITA so here goes.. this is how i'm going to screw up your week of DIY vehicle repairs and rinse your wallet:

First of all the engine is packed in tight - the timing belt and cover are wedged up against the wing (and naturally it's a wet belt). Because of this, there is also going to be a stonking great engine mount on the top of the engine over the timing belt which (just like the safrane) has a load of bolts in the side blocking you from removing the timing cover until you've undone those and removed the lower half of the mount. Obviously the bolts are going to be super torqued in that super hard to access location and rather than premium quality which will withstand a socket, they're going to be cheap nasty quality with philips heads that round out (renault missed that trick).

The timing cover will also have a wire running through it for no real necessary reason other than to have a rubber gromit that sheers easily and a wire so short that you can't reconnect it behind the timing cover and get the cover back on - you'll waste days online trying to find out how to crack this.

The steering rack is going to be packed in right behind the engine and the only way to replace that is the engine out. In doing so the loops at the top of the engine will be a bit weak and so once on the crane one will bend or hopefully snap.

For the radiator and autobox I'm pinching a design from vauxhall where they both go through the same feeble connector with two really feeble seals - this ensures that eventually at some point the coolant seeps into the ATF and destroys the automatic gearbox (which of course uses sub standard bearings internally). The engine itself has thinner than normal cylinder walls and liners and has a fancy name like 'eco' because we   economised on build quality. It also has one super nasty thin head gasket made of raw steel to encourage corrosion.

The thermostat is buried behind loads of other crap and it's not going to be very reliable either - 15k miles will be a record.

Back to that wet belt.. for 'security' and to improve the user experience, when you remove it, the tensioner internally slides a little metal contact to short out a circuit that the ECU detects. Obviously the ECU then refuses to work and nobody will have a bloody clue why. Naturally by the time this is realised, the new belt has been fitted and the timing put back together.

The chassis isn't going through the zinc tank either. We'll paint it but there's no real rust protection, if it lives as long as a transit you've done well.

The coolant pipes are going to be problematic.. they're frail and we only ordered the exact number of them as the number of cars we're building and due to contractual agreement the supplier won't be making anymore of them available on the open market.

If you want the manual gearbox, that's going to come with one gear that is cut the wrong way upsetting the metalurgical structure ensuring that it disintegrates at some point. Obviously it's impossible to remove the gearbox by itself because we put part of the chassis in the way and so the engine needs to come out too.

The headlights are coded in a manner that disconnecting the battery (eg when removing the engine) will need to be reprogrammed by a main dealer in order for them to work again but to give you a false sense of security and false hope that it's still a good car, we'll leave it easy to bypass this so that you can find it and pass it round on various forums etc. People will rave about how how to get around this so proudly that it's free advertising for us.

 

[comfortablynumb]

Anything held in by bolts which are a million different sizes, and invisible from above or underneath 

[Asimo]

Make all of the interior and touchable surfaces out of soft-touch plastic that mutates into sticky goop just after the warranty expires.

All floors to be carpeted with that nylon loop-pile pseudo-fabric that combines zero luxury with maximum dirt-highlighting and particle retention.

[goosey]

Fill ALL box sections with a highly flammable, moisture retaining expanding foam, you know NVH and all that 

 

sorry if we already had this 

[RustyNuts]

2 hours ago, EyesWeldedShut said:

left hand threaded studs (ask me how I know)
 

That's just given me a flashback to when I was about 12. We bought a bolt to go on the bottom of the back door. After struggling for an eternity to screw in the screws we eventually found that the supplier screws were literally counter clockwise.