Tropes you see on the road

[New POD]

Purple Ronny.

Ron, drives a burgundy X5. He drives it like a Twat.  On a 4 lane motorway just north of Birmingham with the smart motorway showing a 60 limit, and all the vehicles in lane 4 doing 63, over taking the vehicles in lane 3 doing 60, overtaking the vehicles in lane 2 doing 58, overtaking those in lane one doing 55, he is weaving across all the lanes and pushing into gaps that are big enough for a single car. Then accelerating across all 4 lanes to gradually over 2 miles get to the M54 junction, where he pisses off at speed.  

Ron, his mates call him Jack (the lad), will never ever crash, never get points or be stopped by the police.  Because whilst he deserves a special place in hell and doesn't have any faith in any religion, god has a sick sense of humour and is only pissing on nice people this week and has decided we need people like Ron to test the rest of us. Most of the people who witnessed his driving are going to hell, purely because of their thoughts about how they'd like to attach electrodes to Ron's private parts and put 480 Volt AC current through them. 

[Cavcraft]

On 03/07/2025 at 08:38, dozeydustman said:

Godspower Matumbe

Godspower is a wealthy African who came to the UK in the 2000s and owns an upmarket 4+ bed detached house on a nice estate. He is a preacher at the local cultural centre (labelled as The Pentecostal Church of Rainbows, Love and God) every Sunday but has an unknown job during the week which he is secretive about, possibly Uber as he has a TFL private hire diamond in his front and rear screens. He is always smartly attired, Pierre Cardin suit, collar and tie for work, and traditional African attire for his church duties. On a Sunday after the sermon he transports a number of widowed African ladies to his home for a dinner before going back to church for the evening service.

On the road he’s not the best driver as he rarely looks at his surroundings. He is however impatient and can often be seen flailing his arms around in heavy traffic; he must be at the front at all times keeps trying to drive around the queue only to be met with an oncoming vehicle or a traffic island and argues with the ‘Robot’ (traffic light). Somehow he never manages to have or cause an accident.

When he first came to the UK he bought, with cash, a Peugeot 407 as he thought it would be as indestructible as the 405/504/505 he last used before emigrating. How wrong was he? Since chopping it in for a 5008 which was just as disappointing, he gave up on the brand and now drives a Jag XF. The 5008 has become his wife’s car, but she cannot drive it unless he is with her. When he has friends, family or churchgoers visit they abandon their cars willy-nilly around the cul de sac, normally in front of other houses’ driveways.

(Godspower is my parents’ neighbour and most of the above is based on him including the first name! He’s quite a nice bloke to talk to)

Round here Charles OtuwugogoMbala drives an old A Class Mercedes, in silver or black. When he stops, it's like one of those old comedy sketches on BBC1 as 257 people exit the car. Usually drives at 15mph, utilising both lanes of traffic at the same time, before pulling directly in front of you and braking 17 miles before the fucking roundabout. Smiles and looks confused when you beep the horn at him.

[Lord Sterling]

Road Captain Harry

Harry is newly retired. White hair, ugly shirt, slacks and socks/sandles combo during the summer.

Harry invariably drives some sort of Mercedes C180 saloon. Because it looks modern and keeps the wife happy.

Despite having nothing more than a UK driving licence, Harry isn't unique, nor does he possess any special capabilities or further road education. Yet, Harry ultimately sees himself as the the road captain, a self-appointed sheriff of the roads.

He's exactly the type (like 95% of the British population) to stop you in a merge-in-turn from using the otherwise free lane, so rather than cutting down the queue, it prolongs it, because nothing one must pass Harry.

Harry will also flash his frustration at you when you overtake him, legally on a straight with a clear view, all because you are going faster than him.

Harry is a poorer version of the Tim the Tesla driver. Harry, like Tim sees many cars and drivers as being lesser than him, yet he drives a mid 00s Merc so clearly self-awareness is massively lacking.

[sheffcortinacentre]

18 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

Matty 'Scenic'

Matty has never, ever had any ambition. He's one of those types that life just "happens" it's never any of his fault.

Matty is the male version of Chanetelle slum Mum and invariably an on-off partner of hers.

He'll often be seen driving about in a late 00s uninsured £350 Renault Scenic with mismatched wheel trims, bald tyres (because of 'burn outs' and lack of anything resembling wheel alignment). A poor car that is dying slowly in his ownership. 

Matty hasn't lost the art of lying since school. If asked about the car he'll brag about it being some sort of special homologation model and it being "worf like 2grand" despite it looking about £100 on a good day.

Inevitably, like his "missus" Chanetelle, the law will catch up with him and the car will be given a prohibition notice and towed away until he can insure it again, to which it'll eventually be crushed.

Isn't bothered by car being impounded/crushed as it's not registered to him & he'll have a replacement of faceache by end of day.

[Lord Sterling]

Karen Kia Komplainer

Karen is a middle-aged busy body. Professional curtain twitcher and serial complainer.

Karen has everything she wants in life, not wealthy, but wealthy by means of family, a home, a past career in some office or other. Karen is violently law abiding and truly believes everyone else MUST also abide by the law as she does. Karen doesn't actually understand the law.

Karen's preferred choice of wheels is some random soft-roader that few people would remember, like a Kia something-or-other.

Karen drives in exactly the same manner as Bob the bimbler, ensuring that she stays under the speed limit by at least 5 mph under. Anyone who dares overtake her, on a safe straight bit with long clear view of the road ahead and broken lines risks her wrath in which she takes to social media to type of out a laughably ranty post about how that person who overtook her life (safely) was sooo dangerous thay nuns and kittens were in serious danger, that she has decided to contact the police, her local MP, her family and anyone else that is unfortunate enough to be within ear/reading shot. This is all despite the fact that she technically breaks the law by bimbling dangerously in the middle lane or pulls onto the motorway from a slip road in front of massive juggernauts nearly causing a pile-up.

[N19]

19 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

🎶 Bob the bimbler, do we bimble? Bob the bimbler, do we fuck! 🎶

Bob is happily retired, he is an older and more retired version of Boring Geoff. 

Bob lives in the past and begrudgingly accepts new technology as thing that is supposed to "make life easier" but generally leaves it alone unless he really need to use it. His dress sense is of someone who was old in the 1950s, tweed jackets, ties and a flatcap. He has thick rimmed glasses and thinned but carefully brylcreemed combed back hair.

Bob drives some sort of small modern vehicle, a Hyundai i10, or modern shape Nissan Micra.

Being a retired sort, Bob is never in a hurry, and to him, nor should anyone else be. On the road, he bimbles at anywhere between 18mph and 23 mph on a 30mph road. He angrily flashes his lights at these "young whipper snappers" speeding around everywhere.

Bob is the sort of person who, despite being retired, will insist on driving into town at 8.30am on a Tuesday when everyone else has somewhere to be. And then will do his weekly shop on a Sunday, as that's clearly the only time available. In both instances, he'll display absolutely zero awareness of the situation and will probably grumble to everyone about "how busy it is today!".

[N19]

12 hours ago, Cavcraft said:

Round here Charles OtuwugogoMbala drives an old A Class Mercedes, in silver or black. When he stops, it's like one of those old comedy sketches on BBC1 as 257 people exit the car. Usually drives at 15mph, utilising both lanes of traffic at the same time, before pulling directly in front of you and braking 17 miles before the fucking roundabout. Smiles and looks confused when you beep the horn at him.

Several of the local "Rejoyceful Church of Christ Redeemed All Healers Don't Forget To Send Your BACS Payment Every Week Or You Will Be A Sinner" - types trundle about in ageing Mk6/Mk7 Transits which, despite the age, come back as no ulez, so presumably registered under a charity scheme. 

I saw exactly such a vehicle filling up with DERV the other day. The driver then ambled off to the attached supermarket (note - not the kiosk on the forecourt, the big supermarket on the other side of the car park) leaving the vehicle abandoned. After about 5 minutes the forecourt staff go and ask Pastor Patience in the passenger seat what's going on. "Eh, you don't sell the refreshments that he prefers". A little while later, Pastor Takeyourtime ambles back, puts his drink and snack in the cab, and then goes to pay.

[Lord Sterling]

Adrian and the four rings of entitlement.

Adrian is probably aome sort of accounts manager for some distribution or engineering firm.

He is the type of guy who sees Andrew Tate as a life guru, he goes the gym relentlessly, shaves his (badly receeding) hair but always has a five-o'clock shadow.

He drives some sort of Audi product, invariably an A5 or a modern A4.

His driving style is that of the school of GTA, barrelling through red traffic lights, overtaking in the face of oncoming traffic and tailgating other vehicles. To him, the car gives an air of success, to everyone else, he looks desperately sad and acts like a knob.

[Lord Sterling]

Dash-cam Dave! 

Dave leads a somewhat boring life and ends up being a lot of other peoples doormats. His let go is when he is driving, much like Karen Kia, he is always ready to criticise other peoples driving, even for the most trivial matters, and even those that aren't offences but, he just believes nuns and kittens are in immediate danger.

Unlike Karen Kia, he doesn't go on social media to vent his frustration, he blares his sad single-tone horn, taps a button his camera and loudly reads out the numberplate of the offending vehicle.

Dave invariably drives a Toyota Aygo or something with exactly the same engine as you can hear him gunning the lawn-mower sounding 3-cylinder engine as he struggles to make progress down the road after (presumably) Adrian Audi exclaiming how much of a prick he is etc...

He'll then upload and send an absolute package of footage of non-events to one of the YouTube dash-cam channels in which everyone in the comments will tear Dave' driving and commentry to shreds.

[Metal Guru]

Polish Pawel and Istanbul Ali.
Kindred spirits but obviously not related.
 Pawel’s steed is probably a Fiat Ducato based curtain sider but Ali drives a full fat Artic , invariably a Renault or Iveco. Both drive non stop across Europe for wages of about €57, of which most is spent on Red Bull and various “herbal” remedies to keep them awake. By the time they get onto UK roads they are so sleep deprived, they never notice any cars they side swipe when suddenly changing lanes.

They rely on ancient Sat Navs to find their delivery destinations, invariably ending up on extremely narrow / steep / other unsuitable byways . Because their English is very limited, signs saying “Do not follow sat nav “ or “Not suitable for motor vehicles” are largely ignored.

[dozeydustman]

On 07/07/2025 at 03:17, Metal Guru said:

Ali drives a full fat Artic

Recording his work on the ‘Turkograph’, specially selected device where all faults and contraventions of driving regulations are recorded in full*.

[quicksilver]

The Doctor. Not the guy with the sonic screwdriver but someone of the medical persuasion.

A prestige-brand SUV or sports car with a DOC personal plate and a 'doctor on call' sign in the windscreen. Rarely actually seen on the road as it spends most of its time parked either outside their mansion (on the driveway because the garage is full of hobby stuff they don't have time to use) or in a hospital or surgery car park, and never thrashed as they work long hours that don't leave any time to drive for fun. When they come to get rid of it, the dealer will advertise "one careful doctor owner" as a selling point but despite its low mileage it will be knackered because they know everything about medicine and nothing about cars, and don't understand how to look after it.

[quicksilver]

And continuing with the healthcare theme, the home carer. Usually a young black woman whose car of choice is a Japanese or Korean supermini between 10 and 20 years old such as a Toyota Yaris or Hyundai Getz. It's always battered and filthy because she practically lives in it working long hours for little pay and never has the time or money to have it cleaned or maintained. Often seen outside giffers' homes at odd hours of the day or night, and sometimes she'll have bought it from one of her giffer clients who gave up driving so it already had a selection of bumps and scrapes that she has added to.

The male equivalent is the takeaway delivery driver, who has a similar car and working life but with the added bonus* of it constantly smelling of pizza, curry or whatever else he delivers.

[mat777]

More of an American trope this, but very much a meme....

Retired Randy
Randy is a sprightly, white-haired gentleman of the boomer generation who took early retirement after a successful career his kids/grandkids could never hope to replicate in today's economy. (Randy says they're just not working as hard as his generation did)

Dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, baseball cap, Chino shorts and white trainers with matching sports socks pulled up high, he is to be found at car shows and car&coffee events across America with his pride and joy - a spotlessly kept late-model Corvette.
His display is always accompanied by a detailed specification board in the windscreen listing every single factory option ticked on the car, and breaking down how his car is one of only 237 made in this colour and this trim spec for this model year- thus showing how incredibly rare it is. 

[quicksilver]

24 minutes ago, mat777 said:

More of an American trope this, but very much a meme....

Retired Randy
Randy is a sprightly, white-haired gentleman of the boomer generation who took early retirement after a successful career his kids/grandkids could never hope to replicate in today's economy. (Randy says they're just not working as hard as his generation did)

Dressed in a Hawaiian shirt, baseball cap, Chino shorts and white trainers with matching sports socks pulled up high, he is to be found at car shows and car&coffee events across America with his pride and joy - a spotlessly kept late-model Corvette.
His display is always accompanied by a detailed specification board in the windscreen listing every single factory option ticked on the car, and breaking down how his car is one of only 237 made in this colour and this trim spec for this model year- thus showing how incredibly rare it is. 

Retired Randy sounds like the American equivalent of the MGB-driving Classic Car Bore I described on page 1. Good to know some of these tropes can be seen all around the world.

[quicksilver]

The farmer-turned-hoarder.

An elderly gentleman who is getting too old and frail to work in the fields and doesn't have younger family to take over. He has plenty of land and has saved a lot of money, but decades of working alone in all weathers with nobody to talk to but his sheepdog have driven him slightly mad. He hits on the great idea of turning his farm into a museum and sets out to collect cars, tractors or whatever else takes his fancy. Things start well when he buys a dozen or so proper classics in good condition and stashes them in a barn, but quickly get out of hand as he can't resist the temptation to buy any old scrap he's offered and dump it in the fields to wait its turn to be restored one day that will never come.

He ends up with hundreds of wrecks strewn all over his land and spends years arguing with the council over removal orders because the neighbours keep complaining that they're an eyesore, while the 'collection' steadily becomes more derelict and overgrown and the dream of a museum slips ever further from reality. When he dies, the whole lot gets bulldozed and the land redeveloped as luxury housing.

[IronStar]

Wannabe government official 

He is a guy aged somewhere between 25 and 35. Nicotine addicted. Drives a new(ish) Skoda Octavia/Superb or A4/A6, financed by his highly legal* business or paid for by bank of mom and dad. Black. Illegal tints, but he knows a guy so they have the conformity sticker. Window permanently cracked open so he can keep chainsmoking his cigarettes. Stench is camouflaged* by 5 different small trees hanging from the mirror. No need for ashtray either, as the cigarette butts are flicked out the window. He picked his car based on what the government owns, and copied details as close as he could, and possibly even has blinkers from Temu. He drives like an absolute tool, no matter the destination, road conditions, traffic, or anything else going on around him, aggressively flashing and tailgating cars holding him up. Completely oblivious to red lights, give way signs or anything that might slow down his progress. Brags to his mates and lives in the conviction that he’s played the system and people bought into his brilliant* con, unaware that people know his car is fake government car, but don’t want to be clipped when he inevitably bins it overtaking on a blind corner, or trying to intimidate a Turkish HGV driver that didn’t sleep for 2 weeks straight. 

[Lord Sterling]

Jeanette Jazz.

Jeanette is in her late 60s, early 70s. She is invariably a more shy and retiring version of Maxine Crossover.  

Jeanette wants for nothing in life but isn't wealthy and doesnrlive beyond her means.

Jeanette likes her Honda Jazz as its easy to drive and park. Jeanette's life consists of violently abiding by the law and 'tuts' in the most British way everytime she is overtaken by pretty much everyone on the road as she trundles along everywhere at 23mph.

Despite liking the Jazz and finding it an acceptable car for her everyday needs, Jeanette generally looks uncomfortable driving it. Her chin is usually almost level with the top of the steering wheel, she wears her thick pescription glasses (which are, by now, 20 years out of date) and generally finds driving a chore. Her spatial and situation and self-awareness are absolutely non-existent, although she sees herself as an above acceptable driver who's never had an accident (except for carpark dinks and the near-misses she's left others to recover from.

[Lord Sterling]

Gen-X Essex girl.

Chardonnay is young, comes from a working-class but self-made wealthy family. Absolutely caked in foundation, fake tan and make-up, she is a walking advert of everything that is typically "Essex girl". She drives a PCP-financed white Audi/BMW 3-cylinder compact which invariably may or may not be a convertible.

The interior, particularly the drivers side has mysterious oil and make-up residue on the door card and drivers seat. The passenger seat may have old spills from coffee down the sides. The floors have never seen a vacuum strewn with ground debris and old McDonald's straws and leaflets advertising nightclubs and gyms.

Typically, she doesn't understand car maintenance or why cars need maintenance. If ever she heard the term, she'd think of it as washing the car or filling it with petrol.

Due to lack of maintainance, the car will throw up a load of glowing faults on the dashboard because it's "what cars do" she doesn't understand the glowing lights and thinks they are some sort of thing to make the dashboard look nicer.🙄

Eventually, the car will conk out at which point, with the help of her Dad and brother, it'll go to a garage who'll spend time not really fixing the problem properly, which will cause further issues at which point car will be given back to the finance company in exchange for a newer model. No one will fix the problem until it's auctioned off to someone who actually will fix the problem.