Tropes you see on the road

[Con2K]

On 29/05/2024 at 21:20, quicksilver said:

Excellent! You were going through Buckingham. Just read your thread about it and was impressed at its history. Didn't realise it had a red interior, a brave choice with green paint.

A bold choice for sure. But I think it paid off. It’s a nice combo to be honest. She gets lots of compliments.

 

I was probably heading to Milton Keynes for work. It sends me that way from the south west.

Is that amazing dash cam footage or did I miss you papping me?

I appreciate the shot regardless

[Lord Sterling]

Maxine Crossover...

Comes in a form of looks, usually plump and bespectacled, prone to mood swings and pretends to be jolly but usually has an aura of "avoid like the plague".

Hates cars but manages to always to buy the most forgetful examples of vehicular types so long as its fairly new. Something stellantis, Renault/Nissan, usually an "SUV" or "crossover" etc... gives her the feeling of some sort of success.

For Maxine, driving is a necessary evil, yet still thinks she is the shining example of how driving should be done on the road, her car (and often job title) makes her feel far superior to others she feels are "lesser" because their may appear to be older or smaller.

Always a middle/outside lane hogger doing 0.02 under the speed limit, (pretends she) knows her rights on the road, quick to judge others but has several near misses because her mind is on other stuff rather than concentrating on the actual task of driving.

[Lord Sterling]

The "I'm Autoshite but I don't know it"

Usually come in the form of plump and very jolly ladies who are like the world's aunt. Always there with a kind word and happy smiling face. Usually found working in charity shops or the NHS. 

They drive whatever they can get thier hands on. So long as it works and costs little to run, to her, it's 'an car' whilst real Autoshiters drool over the rarity/shiteyness of whatever it is.

[Metal Guru]

13 minutes ago, Lord Sterling said:

Maxine Crossover...

Comes in a form of looks, usually plump and bespectacled, prone to mood swings and pretends to be jolly but usually has an aura of "avoid like the plague".

Hates cars but manages to always to buy the most forgetful examples of vehicular types so long as its fairly new. Something stellantis, Renault/Nissan, usually an "SUV" or "crossover" etc... gives her the feeling of some sort of success.

For Maxine, driving is a necessary evil, yet still thinks she is the shining example of how driving should be done on the road, her car (and often job title) makes her feel far superior to others she feels are "lesser" because their may appear to be older or smaller.

Always a middle/outside lane hogger doing 0.02 under the speed limit, (pretends she) knows her rights on the road, quick to judge others but has several near misses because her mind is on other stuff rather than concentrating on the actual task of driving.

You’ve met my wife then…

[Lord Sterling]

Boring Geoff. 

Boring Geoff never wanted to be boring, but general life and a nagging wife has made Geoff into the boring, semi-retired bloke he once probably hated.

Around late 60s, haired turning from grey to white. Wears a beige coat sometimes or all the time bespectacled. His life is of routine, he buys the Daily Mail everyday from the local shop without failure. 

His car, like crossover Maxine, is something inoffensive and forgetful but small-engined and diesel, usually a Stallantis product or possibly a VW T-cross/Skoda Yeti. 

Formally a follower of traditional blue-collar cars like Vauxhall and Fords and previously an owner of an ageing Mk1 Ford Focus. Boring Geoff's wife (possibly a formation of crossover Maxine or basically a non-car person) successfully vetoes any attempts by him to buy something more interesting or premium like a BMW 3er or Mercedes C-class "we don't want to be a target for thieves/it'll cost us too much to run (despite Geoff being the one who sorts out the finances) so resolves to buying something inoffensive to the bank account and forgettable. 

[Lord Sterling]

Jemima Sloane Discovery Mk2....

Jemima is a slender surfboard slip of a girl with pouty lips and a "matter of a fact" way of speaking. Her mother was the original Sloane-Ranger (Google it) now lives in a country-pile with former Sloane-Ranger Mummy and former city banker Daddy. Jemima is usually found behind the wheel of the "horsey car" a Land-Rover Discovery 4.

Jemima has her own car, invariably a Fiat 500/Ford Fiesta Style or something of that nature but usually borrows the horsey car to visit her horses, going into town to meet friends or in fact, any excuse. Secretly she loves the LR as its easy and comfortable to drive m, commanding driving position with an autobox compared to the small boxy manual thing that is meant to be her own car.

Mechnical sympathy is something left for Daddy to worry about. As long it moves, she'll use it. If it breaks down, she'll keep on repeating through her posh country accent how she doesn't understand why this has happened because "it's a new car and new cars shouldn't break down, it's not as if they're old".

[Lord Sterling]

Brexit Bob 

Brexit Bob outwardly dislikes anything "furrin" but will happily tuck into an indian curry/Chinese, go on holiday to Spain and drives something that isn't British made. Bob literally has no self-awareness.

Bob has always driven traditional blue-collar car like Ford Cortinas/10 year old auction bought Granadas and the occasional Sierra. He readily rejects Austins and Rovers as BL crap "because Clarkson said so" or "my mates dogs' nephew had one and eee' said it broke down" despite never having driven or owned one and complaining that there is no more "real" British car industry.

In the mid 00s when older Fords were starting to command more serious money and Fords more current offerings were a bit 'meh', Bob's nephew took him down to the auction where Bob scored a 52-plate BMW X3 2.0d with manual gearbox, despite it being a poor and cheap relation to the X5, Bob loves it and so does his peroxide blonde and plump and aged wife Pam "the nayburs are gunna think wey've wun the lotteray" exclaims Pam as Bob rolls up in his X3. It makes him feel like he's on top of the world, and good on him.

Now Bob is your typical road captain. He believes that in a merging lane, no one should be in the passing lane and everyone should be single-filed in one lane. He straddles his car between lanes to stop anyone from passing, and he is proud of this and berates anyone who does pass him by flashing his lights and looking sternly at them.

[Lord Sterling]

Lee the "boy dun good"

Lee comes from a poor council-estate upbringing, but through several twists of good fortunes, Lee has managed to bag himself a good mid-level management position. Lee is the shirt and tie equivalent of the earlier described "he-man". He has an over-inflated opinion of himself, the absolute captain of everything, or so he thinks.

As someone with a bit more money than a blue-collar worker but with a heck of a lot more responsibility, he needs a car to match his position. Now there are 2 types of Lees here;

Company car Lee - Company car Lee picks a recent BMW 518d with the smallest engine possible as it just squeezes into what the company allows him as his job requires him to be out on the road a little more than the threshold of where he can only use a pool car.

Non-company car Lee - Lee cannot have a company car as his job doesn't require it or he opts not to have one (unlikely), as he has worked out that, 1. He can pick the car he wants and 2. If the company requires him to be on the road, the company will happily pay for his fuel bill so long as the car is not a gas-guzzler. So he picks a BMW 518d, small engine, diesel, easier on payments than any other option. 

As its a turbo, he drives everywhere at lightening warp speed, except where it suits him to be a road captain, he'll happily hold everyone up if required to, because of course the world revolves around him, doesn't it?

He is the original road-rager and will follow, shout and pretend to be the 'hard man' of the road, he'll intimidate motorists he sees as lesser than him or those he sees not driving to his over inflated egotistical standard.

[Lord Sterling]

The job-centre plus slum-Mum

Chantelle is usually short, skinny and very scatty. She's all about the extremes of a partying lifestyle, she's too full of energy, loud brash and very opiniated. Chantelle doesn't have a job, but she has 3 hyperactive kids and a crack-head boyfriend who seems to disappear for days on end. Despite a lack of regular finances, she manages to top up her tan, get her hair dyed (usually dark ourple) and cut into the late 00s shaven up the back "bob" and keep herself supplied with some recreational drugs. Her world is social media through her phone.

Her car is a reflection of her. Think along the lines of an early 00s VW Golf, Ford C-Max, Vauxhall Meriva, Citroen Picasso etc... it'll have at least 3 bald tyres, it'll clonk and rattle, the carpet will be flat and heavily stained from kids food. Toys and other detritus fill the rear seats and footwells, the wheels will be adorned with the cheapest looking wheel trims known to the motoring world, it's a car that is crying out to be looked after but just isn't. 

Chantelle world is social media through her phone. She doesn't let small things like concentrating on driving properly get in the way of a good post/text chat.

Chantelle knows nothing about cars, not even basics like chuck it at a garage for a service. In fact, she thinks an MoT is a service. However the car hasn't a legit MoT for at least 5 years, her crackhead boyfriend knows someone who can get a telephone MoT.

The only time it'll ever visit a garage is when she feels the car struggles to accelerate, the cause will be found to be a cheap ill-fitting poundland floormat scrunched up behind the pedals, which will be replaced by those even cheaper silver floor mats that no car should ever have.

Eventually she'll get stopped by the police who'll discover her 3 bald tyres, failing ball joints (the wheels look like they are about to fall into the wheel arch) expired insurance. Her car will taken off her and deemed as "DANGEROUS condition" by the police, she'll have to bus it home with her 3 hyperactive kids and bags full of whatever possessions she could get out the car and carry with her. The car will be taken by the police and most likely crushed.

[Pieman]

There's a book in all this for certain.

[chaseracer]

2 hours ago, Pieman said:

There's a book in all this for certain.

Paging @motorpunk... 😁

[Dobloseven]

3 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

The job-centre plus slum-Mum

Chantelle is usually short, skinny and very scatty. She's all about the extremes of a partying lifestyle, she's too full of energy, loud brash and very opiniated. Chantelle doesn't have a job, but she has 3 hyperactive kids and a crack-head boyfriend who seems to disappear for days on end. Despite a lack of regular finances, she manages to top up her tan, get her hair dyed (usually dark ourple) and cut into the late 00s shaven up the back "bob" and keep herself supplied with some recreational drugs. Her world is social media through her phone.

Her car is a reflection of her. Think along the lines of an early 00s VW Golf, Ford C-Max, Vauxhall Meriva, Citroen Picasso etc... it'll have at least 3 bald tyres, it'll clonk and rattle, the carpet will be flat and heavily stained from kids food. Toys and other detritus fill the rear seats and footwells, the wheels will be adorned with the cheapest looking wheel trims known to the motoring world, it's a car that is crying out to be looked after but just isn't. 

Chantelle world is social media through her phone. She doesn't let small things like concentrating on driving properly get in the way of a good post/text chat.

Chantelle knows nothing about cars, not even basics like chuck it at a garage for a service. In fact, she thinks an MoT is a service. However the car hasn't a legit MoT for at least 5 years, her crackhead boyfriend knows someone who can get a telephone MoT.

The only time it'll ever visit a garage is when she feels the car struggles to accelerate, the cause will be found to be a cheap ill-fitting poundland floormat scrunched up behind the pedals, which will be replaced by those even cheaper silver floor mats that no car should ever have.

Eventually she'll get stopped by the police who'll discover her 3 bald tyres, failing ball joints (the wheels look like they are about to fall into the wheel arch) expired insurance. Her car will taken off her and deemed as "DANGEROUS condition" by the police, she'll have to bus it home with her 3 hyperactive kids and bags full of whatever possessions she could get out the car and carry with her. The car will be taken by the police and most likely crushed.

Or gets RoverFolkUs to have a look at it!

[Metal Guru]

12 hours ago, Lord Sterling said:

Boring Geoff. 

Boring Geoff never wanted to be boring, but general life and a nagging wife has made Geoff into the boring, semi-retired bloke he once probably hated.

Around late 60s, haired turning from grey to white. Wears a beige coat sometimes or all the time bespectacled. His life is of routine, he buys the Daily Mail everyday from the local shop without failure. 

His car, like crossover Maxine, is something inoffensive and forgetful but small-engined and diesel, usually a Stallantis product or possibly a VW T-cross/Skoda Yeti. 

Formally a follower of traditional blue-collar cars like Vauxhall and Fords. Previously an owner of an ageing Ford Focus. Boring Geoff's wife (possibly a formation of crossover Maxine) successfully vetoed any attempts by him to buy something more interesting or premium like a BMW 3er or Mercedes C-class "we don't want to be a target for thieves/it'll cost us too much to run (despite Geoff being the one who sorts out the finances) so resolves to buying something forgettable. 

My BIL is boring Geoff. Just got a Tesla!

[Lord Sterling]

Victoria Cosmopolitan Influencer 500

Victoria comes from a lower middle class background. She can afford nice things but there is a limit, she longs to be like her friend "Jemima Sloan Discovery Mk2" but she just cannot quite afford it. Well, she can, but she'd have to have the same thing, but a couple of years older. And that's the problem, she cannot be seen with anything 'outdated'.

Victoria has a nice Fiat 500, it's a few years older than her peers' cars and she does feel embarrassed. Again though, like her Jemima, she leaves all the mechanical maintenance to her Dad who fancies himself as a driveway mechanic who brags about an oil change as if he's changed the cambelts and head gasket on a KV6 engine.

The Fiat 500 is either adorned with stupid stickers or more often than not lightly modified with Halfords adornments.

The 500 will get parked up and SORN'd when Vicky gets a job at a place where there are good transport links/she can no longer afford it or she gets a lift in with a friend or relative. It'll get advertised for sale for spares or repairs by Dad when he wants some driveway space back.

[Lord Sterling]

Dodgy dealer Dave

Dodgy dealer Dave drifts in and out of work, because his main "job" is buying drugs in bulk and selling them onto street dealers/users.

Somehow, he manages to find a girlfriend, has a baby with her and moves into 3 bedroom 90s built house on an estate that has a rough atmosphere about it. House isn't bought but he's lucky enough to have been offered via the council or something.

His dream is to be the king of king drugs dealer, he wants that demented "Scarface" look with a Black ML500. However he'll invariably drive either a "look at me" type of car such as a 3-series BMW with a phat exhaust that makes it sound like the exhaust system is broken/corroded, a VW Golf "because everyone says they're good" or he'll have something he thinks is boring and blends in with the background like a 1.3 CDTi Astra hatchback to avoid suspicion (spoiler; it doesn't)

The car will have a police marker on it. The interior will always smell of weed, have a hammer in the side pocket and a baseball bat in the boot. These will invariably be used on him when he tries to pull a fast one on a supplier.

[Lord Sterling]

Kingdom Captain Mukwesiyo

Kingdom is a quietly spoken and humble young African chap, he is a care worker and is often always on some sort of educational course or other.  He needs a car for work and uses it often, however his mechanical sympathy is less than Chantelle Slum Mum.

As long as it moves, it works, if it doesn't work, he'll feel defeated but he'll find a way around it and leave the car to rot. Eventually he'll be forced to scrap or repair the car. To him it's an insult that a car needs repairing or any money spending on it. A car to him should be like clothing or a handbag, look good and be functional.

Kingdom doesn't care about car marques unless he is mega rich. Until then, so long as it actually works and looks reasonably modern, it'll do.

[Lord Sterling]

"Powerfully built" businessman Frank.

Frank has spent his the latter years of his life building his powerful business of supplying crash mats to schools and gyms. He has a tiny warehouse and a staff of 3 underpaid warehouseman and 2 customer service/reception and HR ladies in the office.

As a businessman Frank requires the businessman look. Inspired by city of London bankers he imagines them to be looking suited and booted up ala 1980s yuppie. He has to look and dress for success, this will invariably include his car.

As Frank remembers the 1980s TV depcliction of yuppies, he goes for a BMW or Audi of some description because in his mind thats what the city bankers drive when in fact they have Maserati and Bentley. The BMW/Audi will be on the newest plate going and "look the business". It'll almost certainly be leased vehicle.

Because of his lifestyle and the stresses of running a business he almost always has a resting anger look to his face. He is one of a long line of road ragers. Quick to "discipline" others (which includes falshing his lights, blaring his horn and shaking his fist, occasionally he might even chase someone) and will go to the ends of the earth to do so ensuring he is caught on someone else's dash camera and ends up with a couple of police reprimands on his record for doing so. He never learns....

[myglaren]

On 31/05/2024 at 15:48, Lord Sterling said:

Boring Geoff. 

Boring Geoff never wanted to be boring, but general life and a nagging wife has made Geoff into the boring, semi-retired bloke he once probably hated.

Around late 60s, haired turning from grey to white. Wears a beige coat sometimes or all the time bespectacled. His life is of routine, he buys the Daily Mail everyday from the local shop without failure. 

His car, like crossover Maxine, is something inoffensive and forgetful but small-engined and diesel, usually a Stallantis product or possibly a VW T-cross/Skoda Yeti. 

Formally a follower of traditional blue-collar cars like Vauxhall and Fords. Previously an owner of an ageing Ford Focus. Boring Geoff's wife (possibly a formation of crossover Maxine) successfully vetoed any attempts by him to buy something more interesting or premium like a BMW 3er or Mercedes C-class "we don't want to be a target for thieves/it'll cost us too much to run (despite Geoff being the one who sorts out the finances) so resolves to buying something forgettable. 

Oi!

[Lord Sterling]

Mariusz "E320" Darayscu

No, Mariusz is not Polish, and yes "Kurwa" is a shared swear word in Romanian.

Mariusz is often seen drifting in and out of temporary warehouse work and cash in hand jobs. Whatever he does, he is able to afford to live in a modest flat and drive his dream car, a 2002 Mercedes E320 CDi. He will often be seen with his (either extremely beautiful or very ugly) wife Danya who'll even work in the same places as he does.

His 2002 Mercedes E320 CDi makes him feel like a king here and in his native Romania (where he has also imported a Passat 2.0 TDi) he wants to be that king amongst his social circle, he want to arrive in what he sees as style.

He'll adorn the car with very fake forged 22" VLR wheels and lower the suspension a bit. He is fairly handy and has a go at repairing things. However he will also only repair things on his car if they are absolutely essential.

[Lord Sterling]

Modding Mike

Mike is a chap, of any age but who can't help but modify whatever car he buys, be it a fairly new BMW or a rare 1982 VW Polo bread van.

He feels a forceful urge to modify his car, to put his own stamp on it somehow. He has high opinion of himself and his ability to mod the car using cheap £15 chinese eBay parts and some discounted Halfords add-ons to make the car look and feel better than a team of highly educated engineers working with multi-million pound testing equipment tested parts.

Invariably the car gets ruined and ends up looking cheap and parts fail. Upon sale it loses a lot of its value as Mike couldn't be bothered to remove the add-ons and neither restore the original parts/equipment. 

[Lord Sterling]

Jamie ST

Jamie is a lad in his late teens to early 20s, stick thin, pushing 6ft, sporting a wavey sticky-out mop top shaved at the sides wearing light coloured sports wear, tracksuit bottoms and big white trainers. He often sports a gormless young lad look to his face.

He is a he-man/Lee dun good in training, but very much at the start and still very wet behind the ears. He is invariably Victoria 500s brother/cousin or relative. He comes from the same lower middle-class background. 

Jamie buys or has bought for him (through the bank of Mum and Dad) a Fiesta ST. The Fiesta ST in question has a pop-bang re-map, tinted windows, lowered suspension and the exhaust sounds like it's going to fall off, yet he'd have spent something in the high £hundreds to get a sound from the exhaust he could have done with a drill and loosening some connections. 

As Jamie goes up the ranks of age, he'll promote himself into a Focus ST. By this time, he'd have found himself a smiley girlfriend caked in makeup and an apprenticeship somewhere.

By the time of the end of said apprenticeship, he'll be ready to take the road of he-man or Lee dun good.

[Urko]

On 04/10/2023 at 14:16, New POD said:

19 year old Apprentice on the line at a truck firm. Lives at home with parents, rent free, but drives a Fiesta ST with a real carbon front splitter, held in place by titanium rosejointed bracketry. and a pop and bang remap. Private Tinted gel plate reg, something like T 0 MAS 

His name is Thomas. 

That (apart from the name) pretty much exactly describes the kid up the road from my old gaff.  He was an unfailingly nasty aggressive dangerous driver too, and when when I questioned him about it once he tried to square up to me for fight - he is about 19, shaved hair - I am about twice his size but nearly three times his age - having a scrap wouldn't have been a good look for either of us (he would have "won" of course).  When did people get so shitty?

 

His family is one of many reasons I moved house.

[New POD]

On 01/06/2024 at 04:27, Metal Guru said:

My BIL is boring Geoff. Just got a Tesla!

Boring Geoff would not buy an electric car. His wife says they are too risky.  And they might not make all the way to Devon for their one week away every year in May without having to recharge which will take 16 hours according to something shes read on her news feed. 

[Metal Guru]

16 minutes ago, New POD said:

Boring Geoff would not buy an electric car. His wife says they are too risky.  And they might not make all the way to Devon for their one week away every year in May without having to recharge which will take 16 hours according to something shes read on her news feed. 

Spot on if you sub Devon for the Lake District, but he still bought one. 

[Lord Sterling]

CuzzyBrother Abdullah. 

Abdullah is anywhere between 25 and 45, he still lives at home with Mum, Dad, Sister and her husband. They live as near to the city centre of any UK city and live in one of those large victorian houses on a road of very similar houses. What was garden has all been turned into block-paved driveway and might be adorned with wrought-iron lookalike black gates and fencing.

Despite there being a house of only 5 people, there is inexplicably 9 cars, 4 on the driveway and 5 parked in various parts of the road. Abdullah doesn't appear to have a 9-5 job despite being highly educated, he does however have many fingers in many pies so manages to bring cash monies home to put into the family pot.

Abdullah drives a tricked-up M3 with flip paint, staggered alloys, lowered and tints. On the driveway he has a late 90s Nissan Skyline GT-R which is a "project" (read, bored of and abandoned) despite there being many attempts to buy it, he wants the kind of money you could buy a ready-to-drive example for.

He also, inexplicably has a early 00s Passat which is parked down the road with flat tyres, it does move occasionally. Father has the big family motor invariably a BMW X5/Mercedes ML or something of "head of the house" description of which he reluctantly PX'd his trusty Toyota Avensis D4D for as he felt after the many years of hard work and toil, a big comfortable 4x4 is what he'd treat himself with. 

Sister and BIL may share a Mercedes A-class and Mum, a Hyundai i20.

[Lord Sterling]

Aziz Uber

Aziz lives in the middle of the hustle and bustle of a busy city in one of those 50s/60s low-rise council blocks with poor parking. He's worked a series of low-end jobs before joining the Uber empire. Now he drives a 2016 Mercedes E220 CDi.

His car is his office and he works as many hours as he likes (within company policy guidelines if there are any) there are prayer beads and Islamic scriptures and an Eritrean flag hanging from the centre mirror. He has car seat covers and poundland floormats covering the original fitted floormats to keep the car clean and keep some sort of resale value.

Aziz is friendly and humble, if you happen to have a name of similar heritage I.e. Mohammed etc... he'll talk to you profusely about Islam and the Middle East/East Africa, if not, he'll ask you nice questions about where you've been and pretend to be interested in football.

Despite the fact that the Mercedes will do more miles than a travelling salesman's motor, due to its requirements as a taxi and Aziz being self-employed, it needs to be serviced on the dot and kept clean and ready, otherwise he doesn't have a job.

[Lord Sterling]

Mahmood licenced Taxi

Mahmood Khan is a proper licensed cabby. He drives a Toyota Prius often very slowly because it "keeps running costs down".

Mahmood understands the kind of client he is picking up. If you happen to have a name like 'Mohammed' it'll be all "cash brother, cash" as he thinks it keeps the tax man off his cash. He is obviously read up on taxation, but what he saves isn't really worth it, he just plays it up like it is.

Mahmood may have another part job to top up the bank account possibly to put away for repairs/servicing to his Toyota. 

[Lord Sterling]

Gurminder 'Mercedes man' Singh Sangha

Gurminder lives I'm a semi-quiet housing estate not too far from an out of city town centre. He has opened a business and works all the hours he can.

Gurminder has always viewed the Mercedes as a high-status car. After years of working, he treats himself to a nice Mercedes which will invariably be an S320 or a C200 CDi depending on the mood.

The Mercedes takes pride of place on the block paved driveway along with his Mercedes Sprinter Van and wife's Hyundai i10/20.

As he often uses the Sprinter, the Mercedes car doesn't often move except for high days and holidays of which he daren't take too many as its lost days of making money.

Grass may start poking through the block paving around the Mercedes making it look abandoned but in fact, it's just not used that much.

[sierraman]

Connor. He’s 20 and has a massive head shaped like a gas meter with a soft fluffy close beard that they all seem to have these days. He works doing something manual, not a skilled job though. His older colleagues all fucking hate him because he’s a complete liability watching TikTok while he’s supposed to be a look out. His spare time is mostly in the local pub doing lines of washing up powder and driving round in his (delete as appropriate) 1 Series/A4/Aclass. Despite having an active job he has a BMI of over 60 bought upon by consuming a jumbo Kebab wrap daily. Drives like a complete wanker, has all the usual mods - shit remap, 3D plates, spoiler from Wish.com. 

[bunglebus]

Granny's shopping car that lives under a tree when it's not doing 1.3 mikes to the shops