Piss poor spannering skills

[Laseraligningfoofooflanges]

Probably my "best" (but by no means the only) tale of my mad skillz invloved me giving my pal who knows zip about cars a lift in my Maxi (this was in about 1982)

 

I had just had to change the driveshaft on one side for one from a scrapper as the CV joint was worn out.

 

We were going along and there was a wanky noise - to me it sounded identical to the failing CV on the other side so I wanted to limp it home. 

 

He was insistent that the wheel was going to fall off, and remained remarkably calm when and it did and he simply announced in a deadpan voice "it's fallen off".

 

I had failed to tighten the wheelnuts after dropping the car back on the ground - what a tool.

 

Amazingly we managed to deploy the jack without the sills crumbling and fitted the spare, retrieved the missing wheel and drove home with only a mangled wing to show for my error.

I laughed at loud at that!!!!   

 

And snap! i was driving my shitrun c5 home from a shutdown on BP salt end.. clive sully then a180 back to grimsby.

I was flying back down clive sullivan way when my car started making this horrid droning noise and vibrating like fuck.. bollocks i thought, flat tyre! So i stopped at the side of the road just before the humber bridge and booted all my tyres all solid with about 30psi in?! i could not figure what the issue was for the life me, so i nursed the big cit over the humber bridge thinking i could limp it home at least 

 

Got over the bridge and past barton! fuck me it was noisier than ever now really droning and the back end of the car was vibrating like a hen party in ann summers.. so i pulled over to the side of the road AGAIN.

kicked all of my tyres all fine.. looked under the car for anything hanging off nothing was amiss..i sheepishly crept up to my offside rear wheel that i had recently had backstreet garage george fit a tyre on for me.. i took the wheel in in my e39 though.

 

all 4 nuts FINGER TIGHT 

 

 

I very sheepishly got the wheel brace out and whipped them up tight followed by kicking fuck out of the brace to get them snug

What a dope! 

[AMC Rebel]

Do that in a DSG box, the majority of fully automated manual cars or a CVT box and you'll fuck up and burn out the clutches in no time at all. A torque converter auto should be fine doing it though as not a lot of difference between foot brake and handbrake holding it mechanically. However many modern TC equipped boxes will knock it into neutral if you hold on the brake in drive to save fuel - but won't with the handbrake on.

 

Not according to various sources - apparently DSG knocks itself into neutral at that point.  Although I will admit I have only used conventional slushboxes.

[SiC]

Not according to various sources - apparently DSG knocks itself into neutral at that point. Although I will admit I have only used conventional slushboxes.

100% doesn't on the 6 speed DSG unit in my TT. I know as I tried when I first got it! You can feel and see the car pulling itself up on the handbrake.

 

At the VAG gearbox repair garage I went to the other week, they specifically asked if I did that. Apparently they make a fair chunk of money replacing clutch packs from people doing that and burning out their clutches.

[AMC Rebel]

100% doesn't on the 6 speed DSG unit in my TT. I know as I tried when I first got it! You can feel and see the car pulling itself up on the handbrake.

 

At the VAG gearbox repair garage I went to the other week, they specifically asked if I did that. Apparently they make a fair chunk of money replacing clutch packs from people doing that and burning out their clutches.

 

Fair enough - as I said I am unfamiliar with that box.  Seems like a design fault all the same - especially since internet wisdom I've read suggests no-one ever uses their handbrake at traffic lights in Germany.

[Guest Hooli]

100% doesn't on the 6 speed DSG unit in my TT. I know as I tried when I first got it! You can feel and see the car pulling itself up on the handbrake.

 

At the VAG gearbox repair garage I went to the other week, they specifically asked if I did that. Apparently they make a fair chunk of money replacing clutch packs from people doing that and burning out their clutches.

 

Sounds like a shit design for an auto if it can't be driven like an auto...

[fordperv]

One from mrs fp years back when I put her escort on road (problem was not her fault to be fair she didn't know the car) she was on her way back from work and I get a call "This fucking car has broken down" so I go through the ok what's it done, it had just cut out coming to a junction and wouldn't restart, the fuel pump was making a priming sound when the key was switched to the on position so I nipped up to her with tools, had a quick look around it the fuel gauge was showing a quarter there was spark so it should have run, I just happened to have a can of fuel in the back of my car so put it in, guess what....... the fuel gauge was lying, fucking ford

[Guest Hooli]

Pfft, try my old Lt/Wt. It showed full for empty & 1/3rd for full...

[SiC]

It's got to be by design. The car knows if the handbrake is applied or not and VAG love to over engineer when they can cheaply. Putting extra "features" in, like windscreen wipers that refuse to wipe if the bonnet is open or a boot lock that reactuates when you open or close a side door. Everything has an electronic unit too, from the intank fuel pump to even the suspension on mine FFS.

 

I can only speculate but I imagine that they do it as if the handbrake isn't fully applied but it's disengaged, it could roll back. Maybe the logic is different on electronic handbrake equipped cars? As it can ensure the handbrake is fully applied to prevent rolling back.

[alf892]

Sounds like a shit design for an auto if it can't be driven like an auto...

that's the thing though innit..........it is a manual with lots of control gear to make it more like any auto...............but its got a dry clutch. And  dry clutches wear out quick if you slip them which would be what you are doing if you hold in gear in traffic

[twosmoke300]

Octavia windscreen washers stopped working... quick Google... pump at fault... quite a bit of stripping involved to get at the pump... liners and undertrays etc.. brand new pump fitted and.... still no water. Turns out the reverse side of both jets was blocked..

 

Or another MOT tester fave on vag stuff, fail on wipers not working . Because they have popped the bonnet on to its safety catch and the wipers dont work with the bonnet open

[twosmoke300]

SIC beat me

[AMC Rebel]

My same Maxi died when I (and you can tell I had waaaaay too much time) decided one afternoon I'd remove the clutch and flywheel just to see how hard/easy it was.

 

Dead easy job but I lacked a torque wrench to do up the flywheel bolts again.

 

Couple of days later the flywheel fell off and mangled the end of the crank.

 

Can you see a theme? - "learning point" for me is to flipping well tighten things up (and I bought a Torque wrench as soon as I could afford one, too)

[AMC Rebel]

that's the thing though innit..........it is a manual with lots of control gear to make it more like any auto...............but its got a dry clutch. And  dry clutches wear out quick if you slip them which would be what you are doing if you hold in gear in traffic

 

But the equivalent on a manual would be to have it in first, clutch down - in the old days I used to get told off for that, but these days since we stopped making release (US throw out) bearings out of cheese it's not as much of an issue.  That DSG setup seems like the worst of both worlds.

[Guest Hooli]

that's the thing though innit..........it is a manual with lots of control gear to make it more like any auto...............but its got a dry clutch. And  dry clutches wear out quick if you slip them which would be what you are doing if you hold in gear in traffic

 

Aye so it's a shit design as it should know the handbrake is on & fully disengage the clutch. TBH the speed they select gears it could put itself in neutral as well.

 

If they are worried about it rolling as the driver didn't put the handbrake on properly then a nice expensive hill hold type setup would be another pointless gimmick to sell it to those who can't manage the basics of driving & shouldn't have a licence.

[andy18s]

Not long after we got the Legacy I'd parked at home,got out then noticed the sidelights were on

Tried the stalk but no,they were switched off

Tried all sorts of wiggling and wobbling,checking main and dip were ok but to no avail

Went to the fuse box and started pulling fuses and relays but couldn't get all those sidelights to go off at once

Next step was to disconnect the battery so went indoors to grab some tools

Mrs had made a coffee so whilst drinking that I gave Google a shout

Who knew that Subaru fitted a parking light switch on top of the steering cowl.....right where most have the hazard light switch..must have switched them on when I popped my sunglasses there (which I have Never done since)

[AMC Rebel]

 

 

If they are worried about it rolling as the driver didn't put the handbrake on properly then a nice expensive hill hold type setup would be another pointless gimmick to sell it to those who can't manage the basics of driving & shouldn't have a licence.

 

I had a Fiesta hire car with hill hold - "happy days" I thought - less so when I discovered that it only works for a limited time then releases the brakes so you can roll back into the car behind.  WTF is the point of that? Worse than useless.

[chodweaver]

I'm hoping this will be cathartic, even therapeutic - otherwise I'm just embarrassing myself in front of a collection of fine people bunch of internet weirdos to no end...

 

After replacing decidedly sloppy wheel bearings on the front of the camper (something I'd not done before, so I was nervous about how tight was right), it was time to push it back into service - first trip of any distance was all the way to that London with Chodweaver Jr #1 and the dogs on board, the plan being to meet up with Mrs CW, Chodweaver Jr #2 and others for a tour around Harry Potter Studios and a wild camp afterwards - all easier than leaving the dogs at home alone and trying to make it there, enjoy ourselves, and back home the same day. Less than 20 miles into the journey, southbound on the M6, a rhythmic thump suddenly starts up from the front o/s wheel. Oh, crap. That's the bearing I set up myself, after seeking confirmation from my preferred mechanic that I had set up the n/s one ok. It looks like I made it too tight and it's complaining. Or something. Into the next services, the weather is fine so I set about taking the wheel off and checking the bearing. Chodweaver Jr #1 walks the dogs around the truck and caravan parking. I find no sign of the thump when I turn the hub with the wheel off. Sigh. Put it back together. The dogs get walked a second time. I hope that my inspection of it will miraculously have banished the thump when we can carry on.

 

Nope. As soon as we drive off, the thump is back. Decide to get off the M6 at the next exit and limp home via the A roads. The thump gets worse. Then on the A500 in Stoke, there is a loud bang from the same wheel. I crawl off the A500, knowing that the bearing has now overheated and let go. It certainly feels like the bearing is no longer holding the hub centrally. Two painful miles later, sat in traffic, a pedestrian shouts from the other side of the road "you've got a flat there!" Oh FFS.

 

Into the next petrol station, where the generous forecourt allows me to remove said flat - yes - you've guessed it - it's the front o/s. I'm thinking the overheated bearing has got SO HOT that it's actually overpressured the tyre and caused it to blow.

 

But no. There is an enormous flap of rubber, all the way across the tread, exposing the canvas which has now got a hole in it where it blew out. Put the spare on. Hope that the bearing continues to hold out the last ten miles till we're home.

 

Back on the road, the rhythmic thump is gone. The bearing is fine. The tyre had picked up something on the M6 that sliced it open and I somehow managed to completely miss the damage to the tyre when I took the wheel off at the services.

 

Now with too little time to crawl to that London in the camper, a new plan is hatched. Leave the dogs at home. Transfer to the Fiesta. Hammer it down to HP Studios for the main event and drive home later that night.

 

The stoic and philosophical Chodweaver Jr #1's verdict on the whole trainwreck?...

 

"It's funny. As far as the dogs are concerned, they just went for a day trip to Keele Services"

[chodweaver]

This one is even worse than the fuckwittery I just posted.

 

When moving from Chodweaver Towers (where despite having almost unlimited parking, my chod hoarding had not yet really hit its stride and I was only harbouring one down-at-heel MR2 in a garage with some* rats) to Chez Chod, a much more compact and bijou location (where perversely my chod habit got going properly and I have of course now taken up all available parking and then some) said MR2 needed to be trailered between the two. Even with the large amount of space available at CW Towers, it was not possible to get the trailer in front of the garage, so the MR2 needed to be moved out of the garage and turned 45 deg before it could be winched on. A charged battery was on hand, something that passed for coolant was still in the rad, oil was checked, deemed to have been oil at some point and topped up and... that marvellous engine came to life, first twist after a lay up of probably a year. Fully conscious that it was stone cold, and desperately in need of new oil, I started reversing it out of the garage. But oh, callow youth*, the handbrake has been on for many months and is definitely stuck. A bit more throttle and a bit more pressure from the clutch and the o/s rear wheel suddenly frees up. The n/s is still decidedly stuck. More revs. More clutch pressure. I don't want to be gunning this poor old veteran of 245,000 miles, but the brake is not letting go. I've only moved a few inches. I'm properly racing the engine now and in danger of setting the clutch alight, but it's moving slowly, out of the garage, with me cringing at the wheel, thinking of the damage I am doing to this engine that I've nursed most of the way to the moon. Now 6 feet out of the garage and almost in position for the trailer, the guy who's brought the trailer comes over and shouts the depressing words "you forgot to remove the wheel chock"

[Captain Furious]

I did an oil change on my ST220 a couple of years back (I have done others since but this one was particularly remarkable) not wanting to fall into the trap of running it up to temperature and then finding I couldn't undo the oil filter I thought i'll be proactive here and loosen it before I start while everything is cool enough to touch.   I jacked the front of the car up to get better access, couldn't get it undone by hand so I loosened it off with one of those claw type tools, did it back up hand tight and started the engine to warm up the oil.

 

Stood back and waited for it to warm through, I notice a pool of oil emerging from the under the car expanding rapidly....shit, the tool, unbeknown to me, has punctured the filter.  I sprint round to the drivers door to shut it down, but wait....because the front end is jacked up, drag in the transmission has meant the front wheel is spinning, the car thinks it is being driven away so it has locked the fucking doors.  So then i'm legging it round the house for the spare key - fortunately this was exactly where I expected it to be for once, unlocked it and turned it off.  Not before a Category 3 environmental incident had befallen my driveway mind.

 

I tend to do them round my mates house now.

[pandamonium]

I once drained all the oil from my Daihatsu Move, refilled it and started it up. It sounded terrible and the gearbox felt weird.

 

Scratching my head for a while and realised I'd actually drained the autobox and the engine now had double the oil in. Drained it, having to buy more engine oil and gearbox fluid.

 

Engine never sounded right again.

[martc]

To bring some of the above off topic topics together - automatics, annoying other road users and driver misunderstanding of the controls (and all moderns iz shizz), but no poor spannering...

 

I mentioned elsewhere I have just had a thoroughly unpleasant Kia Cee'd R5 s-line (or some such) automatic as a loan car. As automatics are the devils work and I don't fully understand their ways I always put it in neutral and switched (yes I know...) the handbrake on at the lights. The Kia is fitted with that annoyance of modern life a stop/start system. At the lights it switched the engine off when in drive but with the footbrake on - obviously the laser brake lights are now on. Put it into neutral and handbrake on (because that's what you do when stopped) and the bloody engine starts. When I took it back to the garage I described the symptoms in great detail thinking the car was knackered only to be told that that is what's supposed to happen and all automatics with stop start do this.

 

So in order to save the planet I have to stop it in gear with the footbrake on! What fresh hell is this?

[Laseraligningfoofooflanges]

I did an oil change on my ST220 a couple of years back (I have done others since but this one was particularly remarkable) not wanting to fall into the trap of running it up to temperature and then finding I couldn't undo the oil filter I thought i'll be proactive here and loosen it before I start while everything is cool enough to touch.   I jacked the front of the car up to get better access, couldn't get it undone by hand so I loosened it off with one of those claw type tools, did it back up hand tight and started the engine to warm up the oil.

 

Stood back and waited for it to warm through, I notice a pool of oil emerging from the under the car expanding rapidly....shit, the tool, unbeknown to me, has punctured the filter.  I sprint round to the drivers door to shut it down, but wait....because the front end is jacked up, drag in the transmission has meant the front wheel is spinning, the car thinks it is being driven away so it has locked the fucking doors.  So then i'm legging it round the house for the spare key - fortunately this was exactly where I expected it to be for once, unlocked it and turned it off.  Not before a Category 3 environmental incident had befallen my driveway mind.

 

I tend to do them round my mates house now.

           

 

Proper howled at that sorry mate!

[shedenvy]

I did the clutch on my Multipla - took about 11 hrs over 2 nights.  Required splitting the ball joint on the track rod ends  Couldn't split one but managed to get on and complete the job. 

Maiden voyage down the A12 and i hear a loud bang.  Slightly shat myself but carried on another 25 miles to work.  Had a good look round at lunch and couldn't find anything obvious.  Drove home again (44 miles) and the car feels decidedly vague in the dead-ahead position.  Drove back in another 44 miles into work - this time with some tools.  Decided to take the front wheels off to have a proper look...

 

Oh.

[sierraman]

Could not get a CV joint to fit, fucker fell off at every try and wouldn’t hammer home. Ran out of time so dropped it in garage while I was at work with a new driveshaft. Got the old bits home, splines were wrong and the circlip didn’t fit snug like the OE one. Moral of story, check new parts before picking the hammer up.

[omegod]

I could do a daily addition to this thread, changing my first balljoint using one of those threaded splitters, boy it was fuckin tight and the tool started bending a bit but I thought just one more turn and it will pop, it sure did and twatted me right on the fod knocking me clean out, came to with the neighbours looking down on me    

[Pillock]

I had a Fiesta hire car with hill hold - "happy days" I thought - less so when I discovered that it only works for a limited time then releases the brakes so you can roll back into the car behind.  WTF is the point of that? Worse than useless.

 

It's so people can hold it on the footbrake, then it gives them a couple of seconds to let go of the brake, dither around, remember where the accelerator is and find biting point on the clutch before it rolls.

 

If only there was a way of holding your car on the hill using a control that doesn't involve two feet using all three pedals. Fancy that. You'd be rich if you invented that. You could call it the BrakeHand.

 

(Admission - I've had a few cars with it on now and I'm getting lazy thanks to it. My Peugeot used to sometimes forget to hold on though, I think it depended on whether the stopstart had activated and if so, whether there was enough vacuum in the servo without the engine running. Hence a couple of times I had proper squeaky bum moment when I assumed it was going to hold and I start rolling back towards the car behind)

[AMC Rebel]

 

 

If only there was a way of holding your car on the hill using a control that doesn't involve two feet using all three pedals. Fancy that. You'd be rich if you invented that. You could call it the BrakeHand.

 

 

 

Exactly - the system on the Fester didn't add anything, unlike the one on my Scooby which did .

[Captain Furious]

I had a hire car Golf with hill start assist and it was brilliant, but my company car insignia with it was a nightmare, unless it was a 1:3 you were never quite sure if it was going to engage and there was no visual indication whether it had or not, the first you knew was when you released the brake and started rolling backwards, or not.

 

Fortunately it had an electric handbrake which you could achieve the same effect with, because it would auto release when you went to pull away.

[D Spares & Tyres]

Spent some time removing an alternator to replace with a second-hand one. Put the old one back on...

 

My favourite when doing any job is to collect all the nuts and bolts in a tub, then step on the side of it and flick them everywhere. In the gravel and flowerbed especially.

[2MB]

Refilling the coolant in a 205, ended up loosening the radiator to get to the fill plug on top that was covered by the slam panel. Next door neighbour walked past and asked why I wasn't just filling it through the expansion tank. Good question.

Exterior rear door handle stopped working on my 190D. Thought in my infinite wisdom 'I wonder if the child lock has somehow worked on the outside handle rather than the inside' it hadn't and I now had a door that could not be opened at all.

Sometimes you just have to make things a bit more challenging