Autoshite quote of the Year 2018

[Datsuncog]

Supernaut summing up both Dollywobbler, and Autoshite in general, in just two lines:

 

"I need a long-distance cruiser"

*buys a fucked Reliant Fox*


Good job DW!

 

Genuine laugh-out-loud moment.

[AMC Rebel]

It’s definitely nutter season, had a fair amount of this recently. Noteable gems included the (highly annoying) ‘????’ when I asked if an item was still for sale. The header of the message included the item name, yet when I had to point out what it was I got nothing in reply. They then readvertised it.

Yesterday I asked on social media if anyone had a certain make and model of car, with a brief list of preferences and the price range.

Woke up this morning to find a private message which was just one picture of a dirty/dusty speedo and no words at all.

After asking what it was supposed to be about, I then received about 239,000 pictures the size of an ant’s left bollock and that seemed to have been taken with a sandpapered fucking milk bottle as a camera.

 

[Pillock]

Conrad T Justice revealing his Hobbycraft Get Rich Quick scheme

 

 

I'm doing well out of their unofficial affiliate programme (that's where I say nice things about them online then shoplift glitter glue).

 

[flat4alfa]

From the TriggerMarina thread

 

Oooh I can just feel the back of my legs sticking to those seats in this weather.

"Hey man, nice scars! Were you in the army or Fire Brigade or something?"

 

"Naaah. Marina Estate, Clacton, 1984"

[clayts450]

Dave numbers on the magic of telephone customer service

 

I found a phone number which led to a menu system but rather than the usual "press one for sales, press two to speak to the canteen dinner ladies, press three for billing...." you have to talk to the robot woman who uses voice recognition to completely ignore what you want and connect you to some department that will be no use. So after going through various combinations of "technical problem", "faulty line", "internet doesnt work" and so on, and getting replies like "we will connect you to online banking" and "you want to change your offer? we will connect you to sales..." it turns out that screaming "fucking cunt" at your telephone loud enough to hurt your own throat seems to transfer you to a person.

 

[clayts450]

Dave numbers on the perils of a visit to the shopping centre

 

 

 

You know those old-timey paintings of purgatory and the seven circles of hell and stuff like that full of people being ass-fucked by goat-headed demons and children being decapitated and folk disemboweling themselves? they are pretty much a realtime snapshot of the shopping centre on a Saturday afternoon on the first day of the summer holidays.

 

[Guest Hooli]

I'm a fan of Mr number's posting style too.

[lesapandre]

Ebay post:

 

Will be MOT exempt in 6 years

[oldcars]

This cracker from Shiterider in his Robin thread.

 

No problem, i'll not be a long term owner of either realistically i've a 60 mile round daily commute that normally consists of a least two twat's pulling out on me and at least one dangerous over/undertake so i'd rather not put my life in the hands of a drum braked bathroom suite.
They are wicked cool fun to drive though. 

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

A van in the eBay thread:

 

 

This is like sitting inside Homer Simpsons head looking outwards. Creepy.

 

[Cavcraft]

On further reflection, mine has a tendency to need trailering away as well and I've sunk a lot more into it than the starting price of this one, so maybe it's me who's the swivel-eyed loon in this scenario.

 

 

More brilliance from Martin in the 'ebay tat' thread. 

[catsinthewelder]

Justin Case nearly causing a gin/keyboard interface in the members who've left thread

 

 

It must be something to be banned from  a forum where the highest accolade is to be judged the winner of the C*nt Count Competition

[Skizzer]

A couple of years ago I had a Jehovah's Witness come up to me and open his spiel with 'Excuse me sir, I can see you're busy, but I was wondering - can you honestly say that you believe in the progress of science and technology over the beneficence of an almighty God?'

 

I'd spent the previous 40 minutes leaning over my Xantia trying to smash stripped air box screws up with a hacksaw blade, a flathead screwdriver and a hammer. Closest I've ever been to joining a cult.

Nailed it.

[Faker]

Nailed it.

A couple of years ago I had a Jehovah's Witness come up to me and open his spiel with 'Excuse me sir, I can see you're busy, but I was wondering - can you honestly say that you believe in the progress of science and technology over the beneficence of an almighty God?'

I'd spent the previous 40 minutes leaning over my Xantia trying to smash stripped air box screws up with a hacksaw blade, a flathead screwdriver and a hammer. Closest I've ever been to choking a kunt.

Fixed that for yousuns!

[pshome]

Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it. “For I did not speak of my own accord” - John 12:49

 

brilliant

[Conrad D. Conelrad]

From the underrated Low Cost Big Liability thread. An eBayer is offering a 2004 BMW 760Li with the line "No MOT but can do one if needed"

 

Don't worry mate, I'm exporting it to fucking Jupiter where it doesn't need an MOT because there is no surface on which to drive it. Not too long after it arrives it'll be crushed into an incredibly dense point anyway so I won't be able to drive it.

 

SO NO BOTHER M9

 

[AMC Rebel]

Crude, but accurate, Sierraman on the e39 thread in moderns

 

 

 

Sounds like a lot of work involving people that in an ideal society would have dribbled down their mothers arse crack instead of going on to form an embryo.

 

[AMC Rebel]

A familiar story, on both counts really -

 

 

Your stalking of your old one rather shows that you miss it.
I'd liken it to been happily married and perfectly content, but every once in a while you remember that mental bird you went out with years ago and you find yourself knocking one out in the bath thinking about some particularly sordid episode...

 

[chodweaver]

"...fantastic tartan seats."

 

Tapir, in Kinkersaab's VW h8ter buys Polo thread.

 

Only on the beige...

[Junkman]

 

Jesus drove a Honda but didn’t talk about it. “For I did not speak of my own accord” - John 12:49

 

brilliant

 

 

I know for a fact that he drove an Acclaim.

 

Psa 68:18. He triumphed over sin, hell, and death; and his triumph is a believer's triumph.

[chaseracer]

BMW source their timing chains from Armitage Shanks, a fine firm that use the same chain for something a bit less stressful.

[flat4alfa]

On Alfa 147 :

 

If the dog or wife ever get run over, I’d get another in a heartbeat.

[Alfamale]

How about renaming this the DaveNumbers memorial trophy, awarded on an annual basis as a fitting tribute to a man with such an eloquent and hilarious turn of phrase.

[spartacus]

+1 for that...

[mercrocker]

And another....brilliant idea.

[vulgalour]

On the tyres Cobbler's Talbot is wearing

 

They've got to be better than the ones that are currently fitted, they do have a certain 'adventurous charm'*.

Adventurous Charm does sound like either an obscure Toyota trim level or a terrible Chinese tyre brand.

[cobblers]

2nd/3rd gear wheelspin in a 70bhp 3 tonne motorhome is about as adventurous as I ever want to be

[Felly Magic]

They sound like the 'onehunglo' tyres fitted to a Renner master 16 seater with the horrid computerised gearbox, in slighltly damp conditions, wheelspin til it hit 4th, then stalled, had to manual shift it to 4th and hoof it to finally get going, then shift down, and re Junkman claiming that beardie with  sandals from Betlehem, if he was real, I think he would be more of a Toledo man, one with slightly gammy arches, and beige

[abelw44]

Enjoyed this description of the enormous power of a T25 from Pillock:

 

My ex had a T2 with an auto box and it was fucking dire. It would struggle to drag a greased weasel across an ice rink. The pedal on the right just made it more or less noisier without any change in velocity

 

 

Sent from my Nokia 7 plus using Tapatalk

[95 quid Peugeot]

^^^^ cant beat constant speed variable noise