Collectioneering thread, with a difference. Now with PHOATAZ and boringness.

[NorfolkNWeigh]

After a quick perusal of the clues , I've come to the conclusion our learned friend is going to Manchester to purchase a car he is not a fan of to drive to Darlington and do a deal for something he desires.

 

Now,our most prolific shiter in Darlington changes his fleet on an almost daily basis and I can't remember exactly what he's got at the moment. The Manchester area ,especially if we include Stockport,Chester etc( which as a Southerner I do) has many suspects- we can safely assume it's not a Lotus,Lancia or BL product otherwise it would be coming directly South........

My best bet is some sort of Vauxhall to be exchanged for a BMW 7 Series.

[Guest Breadvan72]

Keep sleuthin', sleuths of shite.

 

Collection has done been happenated. Am now pausing briefly to lunch majestically on KFC atop the Pennines. Vehicle behaving thus far. Update plus photos from Darlo.

[fairkens]

Whooooo lives in a shite like this, David it's over to you:

 

Let's look at the clues: lotus - rover sd1 - triumph dolomite sprint *applause*

 

My money's on a Bulgarian maestro Perkins diesel engine of course, with a spare set of 17" tsw venoms and bald linglongs *silence*

 

Oh...

[purplebargeken]

Nah, more likely French. Or British. Or German. Maybe Dutch. Swedish! Yeah, it's Swedish. 

 

Not a fucking clue.

[Guest Breadvan72]

[slartibartfast] All shall be made clear to you, in the end. [/slartibartfast]

 

I arrived at Darlington, Jewel of the (nearly) North in good time.  My bro, who is having a run of bad luck, was surprised to see me, not having read his emails. He was rather chuffed to see what I had brought for him, and parked up opposite his recently knackered set of Bimmerwheels (A 2002 318i saloon, state of knackulation not quite known).   

 

More in a bit, plus photies, but am too busy chattering with me bro.

[Guest Breadvan72]

PS:  it's actually quite dull.  Sozzer.

[Jim Bell]

It was a German and I claim my no pounds.

[EssDeeWon]

Is it the blue MK4 Golf with a silver door from Deals Wheels and Steals tonight?

[NorfolkNWeigh]

I'd forgotten that people can buy and sell cars to civilians , I just assume all trading of shite is Shiter to Shiter.

Therefore - I is fail.

[doobietoo]

[slartibartfast] All shall be made clear to you, in the end. [/slartibartfast]

 

I arrived at Darlington, Jewel of the (nearly) North in good time.  My bro, who is having a run of bad luck, was surprised to see me, not having read his emails. He was rather chuffed to see what I had brought for him, and parked up opposite his recently knackered set of Bimmerwheels (A 2002 318i saloon, state of knackulation not quite known).   

 

More in a bit, plus photies, but am too busy chattering with me bro.

 

Is your brother BV71 or BV73 ???

[Guest Breadvan72]

My bro is none of the above, although he was born in 1971.  I was born in 1962.  BV72 relates to a 1972 Lotus Europa that I once owned, but that by the by. 

TL/DR exec summary. Bought some cheap-ass Japanese POS for me bro. Works mostly.  Might be a bit broken.  
 

Full on BORAN long version:-

Anyway, after all that fuss and bother, it turns out that all the heap is is a 1999 Honda Accord Coupe 2.0 VTEC in rental and resale silver with black levva.  I had not even heard of such a car until I just missed being able to buy the blue one that was on here the other day.    My bro needs a car, and this seemed like an OK package, so I got one from eBay on Sunday night for not much wonga. The car says it has done about 106,000 miles.  It has an MoT until next July, and had some work done on it in 2012. 

 

There are nine wheels because, as correctly guessed above, the heap comes with four spare full sized wheels.  The ninth wheel is the space saver spare.    More on the wheels anon.

 

The vendors were a pleasant young Polish couple (I have a bit of a thing for pleasant Poles, and am learning the language, but that by the by).   I collected the car from them at their flat in central Manchester, and tooled off towards the M62.   I stopped at a Romanian car wash place to get the car a mini valet. Car wash photos below take the place of pezzer staish shots.   I broke the car straight away when resetting the digital clock, as the button for minutes stuck in, so the display constantly scrolls from 1 to 60.  Efforts to unstick the button with corner of debit card and screwdriver were ineffective.  Tweezers might do it.  WGAF?  

Then I went along the road a bit and filled up with pez, and at the pumps a bloke in a white van tried to sell me a telly. Because Manchester, I suppose.  I pretended to be French and he went away.  I later rang GMP to give them his van number and fizzog, but GMP were out getting shot at and had the answerphone on.    

So on out of Manchester and across the beautiful sunlit Pennines, somewhat beset by roadworks, Barry Boys (more near Leeds than Manchester, and some uber naff number plates), monster lorries, boggo tailgating Audi cunts, and a severely over reading speedo, of which again more anon.    A brief nom of KFC and Pepsi, and on to Darlo.  I bought some Elvis and some Blues CDs at the choff stop as the radio signal on the posh ish stereo is rubbish (aerial missing?) and the only CD left in the car by the sellers was some rather silly hip hop.     I quickly got bored of Elvis as not in the mood, so I listened to Howling Wolf and John Lee Hooker and all those dudes instead.  V fine.   

If I had found a Kwik Fit open en route I would have lobbed in for tyres and a ramp shufty, but hey.  Maybe tomorrow.

 

The car drives very well.  It is a biggish coupe with a cavernous boot (four chunky spare alloys, plus space saver spare and some other shiz all in there) and with proper back seats and legroom.   It manages to feel a bit American (USA, they sure do love their Hondas) but with a solidity of build that is a tad more European than Japanese, sort of.  The car has a slightly dark interior but it has a sunroof, and them Hondamericans put in some Merc style shiny veneer here and there to relieve the tedium.  Totes dullsville steering wheel.   There are some scuffs and dings on the body, one of which is showing bare metal, so hot and dirty rattlecan action is recommended asap.  

The front seats are good (one is electric and both are heated), although the driver's side bolster has splits and tears, concordant with age.  The aircon, cruise control, lights, sunroof, lecky mirrors and windows all work.  The car is quite fast, pulls well even in fifth gear, and makes a good noise from its boggo exhaust.   It has a good five speed manual gearchange, the steering is light but has feedback, and the car displays typical FWD hottish car handling.   There are allegedly 147 horses or summat, most of which still seem to be in there somewhere.   Handbook, some service history, and two keys included. 

 

My satnav showed the speedo to be almost bang on at 30 mph but to be 8 to 10 mph out at an indicated 70 (satnav speed 62 mph).   Because wrong wheels and tyres.  See below.    There was a slight rattle from the water pump area and this has worsened.

 

The wheels are gunmetal after market things that are too open, IMO, and also stick out to invite kerbing (which has indeed happened, although not done by me or bro yet).  The ones in the boot are silver coloured star spokey ones by Fox Racing, and are a bit dented.  Three are minus tyres, but the fourth is wearing a very bald Avon.  I suspect that those wheels have been on a track day or several, presumably with the car bolted on to them.  The gunmetal wheels have Avons on the front and some WTF are those Ho Flung Dungs on the back.  The Avons are 215/40/17 and the Wan Hang Los are 215/45/17.  Because stancin' YO.  The tyres are supposed to be 195/65 and (I think) 17 (I will check).   So, the tyres are too fat and too low profile.  This ruins the looks, IMO and knackers the speedo reading, and poss more to boot.  See below.

The only other evident sign of Barrying is a fancy-ass shiny air intake pipe, after market I think, braced by a car wash sponge (high tech).   The exhaust seems standard.  Th oil level is a bit too high.  Other fluids seem OK.  The brakes are a bit meh, but are not binding.  Query brake wear, and/or has the fluid been boiled on a track day?

 

My bro was mightily cheered up by the car.  We went for a tootle.  Something was burning.   We stopped and checked:  the front nearside wheel arch liner has been going burny and melty.  I suspect [EDIT: incorrectly] that full lock of the unduly wide (and hot from long fast drive) wheels while my bro was getting out of the tiny cul de sac where he lives has done this, but there may be something else amiss [EDIT: there is] .  The suspension and steering bits do not look obviously wrong, and the car steers and handles OK.  

The rattling had got worse.  Both visible belts seem tight.  One looks newish, one oldish.   The noise is not belt noise but wobbly metal thing noise.  The cam belt is not visible behind its cover.  The cam belt is said to have been done in 2012.   The rattling is coming from a loose plate on the end of where the water pump seems to be  [EDIT:  In fact from inside the aircon] .  It isn't clear if anything has fallen off.   Query if the pump is on its way out; hardly surprising if so, given age and mileage.  [EDIT: not pump, compressor, see below] There is not much space to see or feel (and everything was hot), and the light was failing, so we parked up at the house, ordered a curry delivery, and I booked the AA to attend at 0700 tomorrow for a free diagnosis of OMG explodey death happenings and, if tightening is possible, tightening of loose thing.    Then, subject to what the AA find, I will go to a local tyre place and get proper tyres if i can do so for the non standard wheels. Failing that, plan would be to buy standard wheels on eBay, fit proper tyres, and sell both of the other sets on eBay or whatevs.  

 

My poor bro was so keen on car but now feels a bit glum.  His Bimmer has been sat on its arse for a while because he cannot afford fixage.  I was going to suggest that he sell it with its known faults disclosed, but I will investigate how shagged or unshagged it is.  If the Honda is OK after checking by the AA or can be made OK cheapish, fine.  If not, I may keep it as a winter smoker abouter and/or punt it on via eBay, and will pay for the Bimmer repair if not too much scary cash wonga is involved.  My poor bro lost job, girlfriend and car in quick succession so he needs a bit of chin up big bro love and kindyness stuff.   Much blather, curry eating, and surprisingly hardly any drinking ensued.  My bro is now cheered and says he will make an appointment tomorrow to see the doctor and try to get better.  Maybe he will open his house curtains for the first time in weeks, even if only to laugh and point at the silver Rice Rocket shitbox that some mad cunt has dumped outside his gaff.  It looks prettier than the Tim Nice But Dull four door Three Series anyway, even with the chavtastic wheels, so narrgs to Angela Merkel, Beethoven, Schiller, Peter Pumpernickel, and all those fuckers.
 

​

 

[Ghosty]

BA reg says that car's always been around Manchester (wonder if it was Gordons Honda like Old Man's last Civic).

 

I want to say I know what those wheels on it are off, but I can't (I think they're standard fit on something).

[chaseracer]

Another Accord coupe?  Yawn...

 

[vulgalour]

Then I went along the road a bit and filled up with pez, and at the pumps a bloke in a white van tried to sell me a telly. Because Manchester, I suppose.  I pretended to be French and he went away.

Lolz! Hope things pick up for little-breadvan (bunvan?), starting with a Hondamerican Coupe is a pretty good place I'm thinking.

[GrumpyCat]

These look ace with the bodykit and boot spoiler.

[Junkman]

If not, I may keep it as a winter smoker abouter and/or roffle it on Autoshite​

EFA

[taxi paul]

Well done for looking after your brother. Hope two cars can go into one and get him back out and about.

[taxi paul]

Ps. Sat in my bed in my hotel in Cracow. Lovely place and I too may one day learn the old polish lingo. Even if its only to ask " do you want to sell your car 🚗".....

[Clanger]

and surprisingly hardly any drinking ensued.

 

 

 

 

​

 

 

WTF is wrong with you?  How could such a successful day not have ended in a drunken mongfest?

 

Still, Kudos an all for taking care of your brother, I am sure he's well happy* for the Honda outside his house..

 

Good luck making it out of oop North alive.  I reckon they can smell your soft Oxfordshire ways and they'll be out to get you.

[Guest Breadvan72]

OMG BIG PROBZ KAOS is small probz.  Bearing in aircon compressor has imploded.  Metal filings all over the place, and that was what caused the melty plastic bits.  Car not safe to drive any distance until sorted, obvs, because primitive man be AFEARED of fire, but suggested interim solution is to fit a shorter belt from crank to alternator, bypassing the aircon pulley altogether.    

[Guest Breadvan72]

Checking out my bro's kitchen while he kips.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Honey Badger]

OMG BIG PROBZ KAOS is small probz.  Bearing in aircon compressor has imploded.  Metal filings all over the place, and that was what caused the melty plastic bits.  Car not safe to drive any distance until sorted, obvs, because primitive man be AFEARED of fire, but suggested interim solution is to fit a shorter belt from crank to alternator, bypassing the aircon pulley altogether.

 

Aye i had a V6 coupe with the A/C pump disabled and a shorter belt, bit sweaty in summer. A/C compressor is not the same as a 2.0 uk accord unfortunately though theres a guy breaking a silver 2.0 on ebay at the moment if you want a replacement.

 

The right size wheels and tyres are 195/65 r15 4 stud 114.3 pcd, though 205/55 r16 should fit if you can find any with a 4 stud fitting, theres usually loads on the bay.

 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/HONDA-ACCORD-1997-2002-ALLOY-WHEEL-SET-7-SPOKE-4-STUD-15-INCH-195-60-R15-AWS28-/262025767344?hash=item3d01f3e9b0

 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/honda-4-stud-Alloy-wheels-15inch-/231693890039?hash=item35f20831f7

 

Honda body kit is quite rareas well and probably worth a few quidin the future, the spoiler is cool if you open the boot and look at the bottom of the center part it has Accord set into it, a nice little touch, hope the brother feels better as well, top thing for you to do as well BV. Social collectionearing.

 

 

I no longer feel special on here, Accord coupes are just too common now.

[Honey Badger]

Civic Wheels were the wrong size..

 

These Accord sport wheels would fit though and I think they were an option when new.

 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/HONDA-ACCORD-1997-2002-ALLOY-WHEEL-SET-OF-4-16-INCH-205-55-R16-AWS1/252073475594?_trksid=p2047675.c100005.m1851&_trkparms=aid%3D222007%26algo%3DSIC.MBE%26ao%3D1%26asc%3D33488%26meid%3Dcb906d767cf646f59a516bd09eec57e3%26pid%3D100005%26rk%3D4%26rkt%3D6%26sd%3D361066821697

 

[nigel bickle]

Good on you BV,for helping your bro in distress.

 

Good to hear of a legalist putting his family before finance.

 

Suspect it's fairly easily sorted. I think that a nice,if somewhat dull by AS standards, competent solution.

 

Hope the Bimmers fun....

[Skizzer]

Great story/thread.  I counted  

• trains
• a good but unfashionable and therefore cheap car...
• ...that's slightly broken in a fiery/melty way...
• ...but just needs a bodge to bypass the broken bit
• excessive cholesterol at a roadside eatery
• curry
• the AA
• de-barrying
• helping someone out who's had a bit of bad luck
• Greater Manchester Police
• a miscreant in a white van
• tailgating Audis
• banter in Latin
• aircon not working
• a two-digit number plate

And therefore call HOUSE.

 

 

Edit:  Duh?  No shots of petrol station or handing over of keys.  Disgusting, I'm out.

[oldcars]

Nice. Why is valeting man smelling the mats?

[Honey Badger]

Are the alloys not from an ATR, with the centre caps removed?

 

 

Not that size, or with a 4 bolt pattern.

 

Accord Type R were 16" 5 stud

[Guest Breadvan72]

Could be.  The gopping wheels might as well stay, I suppose.  If not broken, do not fix.  Car currently getting the belts bodged and wheels balanced at a good indy exhaust and tyre etc place 600 yards from my bro's gaff.  

 

Very luxo, comfortable, fast, fully loaded, not bad looking.  There is a green one on sale, looks good, but asking over 1K for it.  Tempted, but prob nar.

 

BMW has started up, contray to expectations,  It is actually a 2003 316i, not a 2002 318i.  I think my bro paid a bit over the odds for it as it is a tad tatty. Engine seems fine, bad wiring has taken out right offside rear light cluster.   Odd thumping noise from rear end when driving.  Cannot suss out what that is.  I may risk driving it back to Oxon later to try and sell it for bro on eBay, as he is too fragile at present to deal with EBay mongoids.  Aren't we all?

 

Lots of shite in Darlo.  T reg Merc C300 up the road for sale at £650 ONO.  Black, grey cloth, steelies, manual.  Rust on driver's door bottom.    Got number if anyone keen. 

[Guest Breadvan72]

Have defamed rear tyres and owe them an apology.  They are actually Firestones, not Hedge Penetrator SportMax Elites from a Lucky Bag as previously thought. 

[Guest Breadvan72]

 

Good to hear of a legalist putting his family before finance.

 

 

 

 

Many lawyers whom I know give shedloads to charity, organise and run charities, and do a lot of pro bono work.  Not everything you read in the press is true.  I have a colleague who funds a school and a hospital for a village in Nepal.  Another does the same for a village in Namibia.