Car Stereotypes

[Cavcraft]

Chrysler PMT Cruisers:

 

Owned by really weird blokes in their seventies who live in run down bungalows in Prestatyn. House covered in Alsation hairs, carpet 1930's Axminster and toilet is a washing bowl half full of piss. Wife buried in the garden, mantle piece ornaments are a fag lighter from an Austin Maxi and the clocks from a Simca 1100.

Garden over grown and full of dog shit, bloke had previous for being fond of schoolies (as CCC suggested) and is one of those blokes you see looking like a rabbit caught in the headlights in big places like Rhyl Christmas shopping.

 

 

Holidays in exotic far flung places such as Talacre and Colwyn Bay. Will be sat in his greasy orange Y fronts outside of his caravan, bare chested, grey unkempt hair flapping in the wind as some incredibly dodgy Irish folk music and Elvis are blasting out of the open windows of his Cruiser.

Obligatory chrome wank stuck everywhere, gifts from his last remaining family member he hasn't fiddled with as a child.

Keeps his one remaining tooth in a used hospital cardboard poo tube, smokes rollies and stinks of BO.

[Jazoli]

All you need to know is that PT Cruisers are driven by Paedophiles. simple, and obvious really.

Glad I have sold mine then

[Cavcraft]

Vauxhall Frontera: haven't got a life, so can't live it.

[vulgalour]

Today I saw a BMW with CUNT written in the dirt on the back bumper.

[Lacquer Peel]

Volvos.

 

Middle-class, but, sometimes driven by very aggressive drivers.

 

© Honest* John

[rml2345]

Yougov reckons Volvos are inextricably drawn to Central Scotland.

EFA

[robinmasters]

Today I saw a BMW with CUNT written in the dirt on the back bumper.

The first of many. It's a big job, but I'll get to them all eventually.

[robinmasters]

I know Alison.

 

She died recently in an RTC.

It hasn't improved the standard of her tweets.

 

https://mobile.twitter.com/alicam1965

[Cheggers]

"Powered by Fairy Dust" = Powered by Greggs

[fred]

Old Rollers - Nuff said

 

Ford KA

 

Well - say no more

 

 

 

Bmw drivers - aye ....

 

Audis - bunch of Cocks

 

 

 

 

Ford cheap mass made trailer trash - for folks who like Jeremy kyle and Home bargains

 

and are very fat

 

Jaguars - (the proper ones) Gentleman who like beer and crosswords

 

[HH-R]

I nearly had a full house of my list on bellend bingo today, 2x tailgating mk4 Astras, 2x new Sportages speeding through 30 zones (stupid fairy lights burning my retinas out on one of them), mk1 Focus with lights blazing in completely clear conditions and too close, Inshitnia lights blazing and too close. Just needed an Audi, though there was a VW driving at 48 on a 60 road if that counts.

[New POD]

Today I saw a BMW with CUNT written in the dirt on the back bumper.

 

How rude.

 

I once had a Car that was C666UNT (honest)

[Sloth in a bowl]

I had an Audi A6 estate cut into my lane so that I had to take avoiding action, not once but twice in two miles this morning.

What an arse.

 

If I had been driving the Kia then I may not have been so quick to avoid the impact.

[stuboy]

Wasn't the Suffolk strangler a Mondeo owner?

 

he drove the mk3 and they were dull

[Cavcraft]

Have we had pointless (to 99.9% of their ownership base) crew cab 4x4 pick ups, yet?

 

I mean, it must be a fucking great help to off-roading capabilities to put 22" chrome wheels, blacked out windows and running boards on your Bitsofshitty Tyrant Meglaniac Animal Killer Prowler Assassin Extreme Outlander.

Oh, you don't use it off-road or for any actual commercial purpose?

Well why fucking have one then, you fat baldy gobshite?

Does it get you to the tattoo shop quicker so you can have tribal patterns on your head or some shitty Olde English scrawly scrawny wanked up font on your neck saying 'Shannon'?

Does it help to drive with your stupid, moon illuminating 3,000,000,000,000 watt xenon bastarding running lights as you take speed bumps at 45mph.

You, sir, are a twat.

[michael1703]

If you ever see them cowboy builder type programmes, they tend to own one of them navarra animal type 4x4s

[Volksy]

It's funny how all though 4x4 pick ups have rather homoerotic names.

[Partridge]

Have we had pointless (to 99.9% of their ownership base) crew cab 4x4 pick ups, yet?

 

I mean, it must be a fucking great help to off-roading capabilities to put 22" chrome wheels, blacked out windows and running boards on your Bitsofshitty Tyrant Meglaniac Animal Killer Prowler Assassin Extreme Outlander.

Oh, you don't use it off-road or for any actual commercial purpose?

Well why fucking have one then, you fat baldy gobshite?

Does it get you to the tattoo shop quicker so you can have tribal patterns on your head or some shitty Olde English scrawly scrawny wanked up font on your neck saying 'Shannon'?

Does it help to drive with your stupid, moon illuminating 3,000,000,000,000 watt xenon bastarding running lights as you take speed bumps at 45mph.

You, sir, are a twat.

:-D :-D - so true!

 

I was part of the 1% at where I used to work. We had an L200. This thing was so battle scarred, filthy and disgusting and dirty inside, nobody could ever accuse us of posing. There was so much shit inside it, it probably had its own eco system. The person who owned before the company used it for the school run. Things like that are GR9 for landscaping work, crap for anything else.

[NorfolkNWeigh]

Yesterday in Tesco, I know,I know, living the dream etc, an Audi A4 drove in to the car park the wrong way then parked badly at an angle, too close to the next car. It had a load of shirts hanging behind the drivers seat and the immaculately groomed driver had that smug 'Be the best you can' look on his face.

 

As I'm a mouthy gobshite I couldn't help but say to him ' Nice car mate, good to see you living up to it' he looked a bit confused and Mrs N is preparing to disown me,fully expecting him to kick off. But, he smiled and said ' Cheers ' and pranced off totally oblivious to my cutting sarcasm.

Mrs N did point out,I'd probably made his day.

 

Did make me think of that original A4 telly advert , the one that's taking the piss out of BMW drivers and implying flash cunts shouldn't buy Audis,how times have changed.

Could someone competent with this on the line stuff put it on here?

[Alan_Green]

[NorfolkNWeigh]

Thanks, that's what I call IT support.

[Richard]

Even when that ad was current Audi had mostly taken over the traditional BMW market.

[vulgalour]

I've been wondering what the 'lovable rogue' drives nowadays?  Times gone by it would have been a Bedford CF minibus or a Mk4 Cortina estate with an MoT that should have expired eight years ago but was somehow still valid and tax that was always in the post.  They would be the nicest, friendliest person in the world, do anything for anyone, salt of the earth... but have absolutely no idea about health and safety, stopping distances or the fact that newspaper and fibreglass resin were not as structurally sound as steel.

 

Have we managed to legislate these heroes off the road completely now?

[Formula Autos]

I've been wondering what the 'lovable rogue' drives nowadays?  Times gone by it would have been a Bedford CF minibus or a Mk4 Cortina estate with an MoT that should have expired eight years ago but was somehow still valid and tax that was always in the post.  They would be the nicest, friendliest person in the world, do anything for anyone, salt of the earth... but have absolutely no idea about health and safety, stopping distances or the fact that newspaper and fibreglass resin were not as structurally sound as steel.

 

Have we managed to legislate these heroes off the road completely now?

 

I know exactly the sort of person you mean. Their new steeds around my way:

 

This type of chap is alive and well, and still plodding along with his cash-in-hand only window cleaning/handyman business.

[Junkman]

Can't believe nobody has mentioned Whitevanman yet.

 

Mercedes, BMW & Audi owners buy things with Brooks Brothers, Apple or Burberry on the label.

Lexus owners do the same, they just go to the Outlet Mall versions of the store. They also own a Chinese takeaway or a part-worn tyre shop.

 

Mercedes S-class - If the owner has a ponytail, he is a porn producer. If not, he is a politician. If the windows are dark tinted, he is a drug dealer and if it's gold metallic, he's a freemason.

 

BMW X6 - Lawyer with an unused mountain bike in the garage.

 

Subaru Forester - Lesbian.

 

Jaguar XF - Couldn't find a BMW dealer nearby.

 

Blue Subaru Impreza with golden wheels - Game console addict.

 

Alfa Romeo - Driven very very carefully by self-declared petrolheads, who think otherwise bits would fall off.

 

VW Golf GTI - Considered the best car in the world by people who have never driven anything else.

 

VW Phaeton - Has no balls so his car has them.

 

Korean cars/Hyundai/Kia etc. - Doesn't know aything about cars and doesn't give a shit. Smiles when he sees other cars on the hard shoulder.

 

VW Passat - Can't drive to save his life.

 

Renault - French Vauxhall.

 

Citroen - Drinks Lidl Chateau Migraine red wine, watches old black and white French films, eats Morrison's baguettes with garlic salami, brie and grapes for lunch and his chips with mayonnaise.

 

Renault Espace - Disdains his family with such vigour, that he rather watches DVDs on excursions.

[Cavcraft]

'Loveable rogue' types drive Ford Escorts Mk6s, Mondeos and Toyota 8 seaters. Uninsured, on bald tyres and with 7 kids and half a gramme of whizz in the boot.

[Adrian_pt]

Just had the 80s book arrive in the post. Loved the fact that there was a Renault 20-driving stereotype. That book will provide happy loo reading for years to come. 

[vulgalour]

Renault - French Vauxhall.

 

Citroen - Drinks Lidl Chateau Migraine red wine, watches old black and white French films, eats Morrison's baguettes with garlic salami, brie and grapes for lunch and his chips with mayonnaise.

Hey, I resemble some of these remarks. Le fucksticks.

[cyruspower]

Mercedes 190/190E/190D

 

A) 190D first series - Slightly disheveled, nervous looking, middle aged bloke with thinning black hair that needs a cut, moving dangerously close to comb over status, back seat and boot full of electricals spares and tools as uses car for local electrician business, red bodywork, rusty and filthy, cream cloth interior not so cream anymore, no wood trim, all wheel trims missing from black steel wheels.

 

190E 1.8 facelift - Indian lady in traditional attire, driving very carefully, car immaculate and on as new Merc wheel trims, husband in passenger seat, unhappy swotty looking teenage daughter sat in back, dark blue metallic, dark blue cloth interior, no wood trim.

 

C) 190E 2.0 first series - Old giffer, wife dead, mint apart from rust around the arches and car park dings, mid-green metallic, dark green leather, wood, no stereo from new, top hat alloys from his old W123 230E.

 

D) 190E 2.6 facelift - early 40's male, wears Ray Bay Wayfarers, daily driver, lives in central London and works in IT support, girlfriend lives with him, likes cats, light blue metallic, cream leather, wood, AMG alloys.

[NorfolkNWeigh]

Whilst I'm a little concerned this could earn me a visit from the paramilitary wing of the SVM.

I'd like to nominate that doyen of Autoshite the Volvo estate as the wheels of choice for the latter day lovable rogue. We've all seen those scruffy 7/940,850 or V70's with big roof racks and emulsion spills on the back bumper, I'm sure many can be found just round the corner from the DSS on signing on day.

Perfect for car boot tables to support those snide DVDs, to carry those clearance auction buys or to carry the ladders used in any number of potential 'Cowboy builders' scenarios.