eBay Lexicon

[Junkman]

By popular* demand.
 

We need an Emong dictionary for these sayings, it could contain some of the following;

The following are courtesy of EssDeeWon:



'Barn Find' translates as 'Dirty, been sitting around for a while, has no MOT and wont pass one'

'It is what it is' translates as 'A pile of shit'

'No MOT but should pass no problem' translates as 'You know, I know, and the neighbours dog knows that aint gonna pass an MOT'

'Only 5 left according to Howmanyleft.co.uk' translates as 'times the number quoted by 8, then add your age and your door number and thats how many are actually left'

 

 

I want to add

 

'I'm listing this on behalf of a friend who has no computer' 1. I don't want to be associated with this pile of shit I bought last week while royally pissed. 2. My friend got nicked and is doing time. 3. My friend also doesn't have gas, electricity, running water, an indoor toilet, and actually lives in an earth hole. He is a total technophobe and this extends to car maintenance as well, as you can clearly see from the pics.

 

'It was running when it was parked up in 197X' Well, so was the cat we had back then.

[Sloth in a bowl]

'Will need to be trailered' Brakes are locked solid and the interior can be picked up with a shovel

 

'Unfinished project' Rusty pile of bits none of which are labeled and all of the unobtainium stuff has gone missing.

 

'Much loved' never used

 

'Sale due to new child' Sale as desperate to get the knackered piece of shit off my drive.

[dave21478]

"Never tried the air-con" = The air con doesnt work.

 

"selling on behalf of a friend" = I buy and sell cars on the side and declare nothing to the tax man.

 

"Recent respray" = Honest Jake's bodyshop round the corner shot some very shiny paint over the untreated rust and filler.

 

"rolling restoration" = You will drive it home and it wont see the road again for 3 years.

 

40mpg = 30mpg

 

LPG system means its as economical as a diesel. = I have no real idea how economical it may or may not be.

[cort16]

I have misplaced the service history = the oil is so old there are dinosaur bones in there

 

the car has been looked after by an independent specialist = I have taken this car for an MOT approx once a year

 

enthuisast owned = enthusiastic about polishing it not so enthusiast about fixing any of it problems or making it run properly.

 

full service history = I have printed the mot history off the MOT website on my 1997 Canon bubble jet printer, which I've then smeared with my dragging knuckles.

[cort16]

I've got my 5 series on ebay just now and just got this message.

 

 

Hi what's the lowest you'll take I can collect and give cash tonight? Thanks

 

Location: Northamptonshire

 

 

I'm 30 miles from Glasgow. Going to pick it up tonight are you?

[Luckythirteen]

99p start, no reserve... my mate's got his shill account at the ready

[Bren]

"Car of the year".

 

In 1970.

[Bren]

I've got my 5 series on ebay just now and just got this message.

 

 

 

 

I'm 30 miles from Glasgow. Going to pick it up tonight are you?

I had similar - i explained that I wanted highest price, ebay mong wanted lowest price.

 

I tried to explain about the process known as bartering, and that it had been successfully used for thousands of years in the procurement of goods and services.

 

Suffice to say i will never put another car on ebay again.

[Luckythirteen]

Engine and gearbox rebuilt... so why doesn't it go, then? Terry Fuckwit rating: epic.

 

Also the honorary geography phail for Gumtree, I mentioned on the tat thread. Terry Fuckwit rating: not even.

[Bren]

"Superb original example"

 

Which translates into original fluids from manufacture, and brake linings full of asbestos.

[Bren]

"As to be expected of a car this age it has some rust."

 

Which stretches from front to rear bumper.

[forddeliveryboy]

 

'Barn Find' translates as 'Dirty, been sitting around for a while, has no MOT and wont pass one'

 

Not forgetting the family of mice who enjoyed the rear seat stuffing were eaten by rat in 1999, who in turn was eaten by her own offspring. The trail of defecation will be limited to flat, raised surfaces but all wiring, brake hoses, fuel hoses and more will be nibbled somewhere along their length. Slimy trails are guaranteed throughout the underbonnet area and other hidden places which pressure washing may or may not fully remove.

 

Due to the complex nature of modern car electrics and electronics, any moused or ratted car is effectively a write-off for anyone other than those with obsessive compulsive disorders.

[mercrocker]

"The number plate must be worth £2000...."

 

Usually some Hebridean re-issue that's probably not transferable, anyway.  

[Sigmund Fraud]

My personal favourites :

 

"I can scrap it for £400, so no offers below that", meaning "I've never been to a scrapyard, but Nigel down at t'pub told me he made £400 when he scrapped his £200 Mondeo last year and he certainly wouldn't lie"

 

"Recently valued at £10000 by the owners club", meaning "I know they go for £500 on ebay, but paid some deluded octagenarian £50 for this certificate so I can use it to convince the gullible"

 

"A future classic", meaning "It will probably be on the slow boat to China by the end of the month, but if you were to completely restore it and keep it in a garage for 50 years, it will become a classic."

 

"An excellent investment" , meaning "Makes Greek government bonds seem a good idea."

[anonymous user]

"First to see will buy"  wishful thinking or you think you're so scary you will intimidate any potential purchaser into buying.

"Extensive service history" from when it was new and cared for, nothing since about 2002 though.

"Never been welded" but plenty of fibreglass.

 

and edited to add

"Dry stored for many years" but left outside for even more

[DeeJay]

"No reserve", starting price £2500.

[anonymous user]

Just been looking on ebay and saw the classic

 

Engine head gasket failed. Otherwise engine turns over ok, and ran ok when I last MOT'd it in 2010.

[Jikovron]

The car has had a thorough going over and sports very recent (tyres, exhaust, brake discs,moose etc ect) fitted at great £££££ expense ,,,,,,,

 

The car has had a large budget spent but i'm bailing before it spirals out of control and causes another dip in the economy

[fordperv]

"im no mechanic but it wont need much for m.o.t" = i would keep it but i shit myself when the mechanic told me how much it would cost to fix

 

"never let me down" except in days that end in y

 

"taxed and m.o.t so drive away" dont forget your AA card

[brickwall]

Rare: no, not really

 

Drift/rally/slammed: It's borked

 

Spare or repair: I've buggered it / Can't be bothered /  I want it off the drive

 

This car has never let me down:  Except that time on the M40. Oh! and the trip to Scotland and that time when......ad nauseam

[Rocket88]

"Spears or repare" [Can't use spell checker]

" Drives superb" [Can't use grammar checker]

 "Would benefit from" [bring dustpan and brush]

 

[Junkman]

Project - I declared myself to be smarter than hundreds of graduate engineers involved in the development of a motorcar, hence I decided to radically change it. After I totally fucked it up, I had a reality check, and now want to unload it onto the next complete mongtard.

 

99% complete - It's only missing the engine, gearbox, interior, and some other stuff you won't find even at the Beaulieu jumble.

 

I bought it with the intention to restore it - I'm unable to organise even the most profane aspects of life, this includes having a roll of paper in my shithouse.

 

Former glory - It didn't have any to begin with.

[Spiny Norman]

"Car of the year".

 

In 1970.

 

 

YES PLEASE

 

 

The one I had twice this week was, "Oh yes the car's fine, come on over and you won't be disappointed. V5??? No sorry, don't have one of them..."

Twats, I HATE buying cars off the general public.

[Station]

I don't know which is worse - the text typing mongaloids or the posh speaking plums who have read the Quentin Wilson's 'What to look for when buying a used car' bit in the Star.

This happened a couple of days ago on my Micra:

 

I'll give you xxx amount (a 1/5 of the asking price knocked off).

 

OK

 

[two days later]:

It says there is a tapping noise when it's cold. I want to renegotiate and give you 1/2 of the renewed asking price.

[155V6]

And from the seller's view,

 

I'll send the payment this week-I'll palm you off for 3 weeks,then wait until you've filed a non-paying buyer report & pay when there's about an hour left.Then I won't leave any feedback,but I'll go on a forum & tell everyone what a great deal I got on eBay.All for some Hotwheels cars which sold for £5.00 

 

I was half expecting him to say he'd never received them & try & get a refund.

[michael t]

One of my favourites:

 

Was running when parked up in 1983: Certainly won't work now and is completely and utterly fucked + i'm clutching at straws in trying to make the thing sound like its actually worth buying when in-fact its a shit heap

[rml2345]

Good Condition For Year - Hasn't been turned into a washing machine yet. 
 

Doesn't need welding - All the rusty holes have been filled with fibreglass and newspaper. 

[Junkman]

I have been told - I just made it up.

[sierraman]

It's been running faultless for the past 3 weeks, runs perfect except for slight knock from bottom end but this doesn't affect the car. I've been told by my cleaners aunt that it will cost £5 to put right...

 

Reluctant sale - can't afford to pay the finance on it

 

Completely original - down to the sills that are the consistency of weetabix

[sierraman]

I value this car at £....

 

Never been in an accident - well not a big one anyway...

 

Two owners - a family of 9 and a minicab firm

 

Just needs... - new bearings and shells, that's all... I think...