If you were going to design a car and you wanted to be a complete bastard…

[sierraman]

As above. If you wanted to design a car today and make it a total twat for people down the line what would you do! I’d have a wet belt between the engine and gearbox with a tensioner made completely from biodegradable plastic. Ideally with some sort of seal that is applied with a mastic gun that has a 2 minute time to go off allowing you loads* of time to marry up the gearbox and engine. A thermostat housing that is literally jam packed between the cylinder head and the bulkhead. Necessitating the engine to be dropped out to remove it.

[EyesWeldedShut]

🤔

OK - I'd add in a serpentine/aux/drive/whateveryoucallit belt that drives five pulleys and has double tensioners. None of these are even visible without removing the voluminous engine cover (which, just for giggles, will be sited such that it will rub through an infinite number of loom points in, say 20,000 miles?).

Now you can see the belt? Great. Pop the car into 'service mode' by undoing 50 brittle plastic clips, 8 torx bolts in a size unknown to anybody outside of the factory. Pull the bumper, intercooler and radiator assembly forwards (note this will, usually, involve dropping and scratching the bumper, breaking the fog light wiring, spring the radiator pipes  etc etc).

This will allow you to peruse the whole of the belt area, whereupon you realise that threading a new 6PK4350 belt is actually impossible without either dropping the engine or cutting off the entire o/s wing.

Fortunately, the gods are smiling today - you already need to pull the fecker out to replace that plastic thermostat

Oh, did I mention you then need to code in the new belt using the barcode on the box else the car will FTP when it thinks the belt life expectancy has been reached?

[straightSix]

Not sure I could do much better than a Discovery 4 tbh

[beko1987]

To refill the screenwash requires the exhaust backbox to be removed for refilling, then that refill coding in or the car will only drive in limp home mode

[lisbon_road]

Do you need to combine that with inpenetrable software?  What about the latest Chinese cars, electric or otherwise, are there any software issues with them to add to the mix?

[tooSavvy]

Hingeing full width front door/cant steering column + EV.

🤔... FU@K.... I think there is one

Pah!

🚙💨

[sierraman]

I’d have some headlights that can only be turned on and off so many times, programmed this way so that it does something totally pointless like does a dim glow when you unlock it. After they’ve been turned on/off 1000 times then it needs the headlight module replacing. But when it goes with no warning on a Tuesday night in February it immobilises the entire car. 

[Marina door handles]

Hmmm tough one...

Headlight bulbs that thanks to the sheer size of the headlamp units are an engine out job to change.

Inboard front and rear brakes.

The inlet manifold is made of Bakelite.

Wiper blades which have a completely unique coupling to the wiper arm which will be out of production and out of favour within a year

Hub nuts which need to be torqued to 400nm or maybe more 

All serviceable parts including bulbs - you will need to plug in and re set the BCM preferably at a main dealer.

Other irritations to factor in......

A really shiny dashboard with some chrome inlays which reflects like a bastard in low sun.

A pillars that are nearly as wide as Nelson's column. 

HVAC, wipers, indicators and Hazards some were in a sub menu on a massive touch screen which keeps crashing because its a Magneti Marelli unit.

The manual gearbox version will only come with a foot operated Merc style parking brake.

massive wheel arch intrusion will means the pedals will be virtually in the middle of the car. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[sierraman]

18 minutes ago, beko1987 said:

To refill the screenwash requires the exhaust backbox to be removed for refilling, then that refill coding in or the car will only drive in limp home mode

I’d have it that the flap for the screenwash is inside the front arch, unless you’ve the hands of a child you’d have to take the wheel off and because there was no way to fill it by pouring it in you’d syphon it in with a gearbox oil syringe. 

[stuboy]

interior that requires to be cleaned every 2 weeks and is aimed at ,mums,  and require obd reader to confirm

[sierraman]

The timing belt cover purposely designed with really sharp edges to lacerate your fingers. And some sort of 9th bolt that’s completely hidden but impossible to access. Extra thin brake pipes that run inside the sills that are surrounded by this insulation shit that has some sort of capillary effect from the wheel arches inwards. It also comes out later that it’s extremely flammable so that welding is completely out. 
 

An airbag that ‘for safety purposes’ has a built in alarm at 5 years old that requires immediate replacement by virtue of the light being permanently illuminated. I’d make sure they were on back order for say 18 months. Even though the net cost would be £137 to make them I’d charge something like £1137 to people. 

[New POD]

1 hour ago, sierraman said:

As above. If you wanted to design a car today and make it a total twat for people down the line what would you do! I’d have a wet belt between the engine and gearbox with a tensioner made completely from biodegradable plastic. Ideally with some sort of seal that is applied with a mastic gun that has a 2 minute time to go off allowing you loads* of time to marry up the gearbox and engine. A thermostat housing that is literally jam packed between the cylinder head and the bulkhead. Necessitating the engine to be dropped out to remove it.

The bonnet would be spot welded in place.  All servicing done by dropping the front subframe and engine. 

[Split_Pin]

Headlight bulbs that require bumper removal to replace them.

Oh wait....

[Supernaut]

External door handle functionality as a subscription service.

The same for the electric windows.

 

They renew at different intervals.

[sierraman]

3 minutes ago, New POD said:

The bonnet would be spot welded in place.  All servicing done by dropping the front subframe and engine. 

You’d have a special port on the front that you plug some sort of dealer level device into to open the bonnet. You’d have to buy tokens of time to have the bonnet up. At proper sex line money like £184 an hour. 

[sierraman]

1 minute ago, Supernaut said:

External door handle functionality as a subscription service.

The same for the electric windows.

 

They renew at different intervals.

Airbag subscription. £48 a month, you have to renew it every year and the cost goes up exponentially. Leasing tyres like you do on a bus. 

[Supernaut]

On the subject of tyres.

Wheels with a square hole for the tyre valve. It would require proprietary tyre valves at a cost of £stupid.

 

The mid cycle facelift would have wheels with triangular holes for the tyre valves, which would cost £fuckyou. Plus it would get hubs with totally different bolt patterns and centre bores so you couldn't fit the wheels from the pre facelift.

It would also have 7-bolt wheels, but a totally different PCD to when Ford did it.

 

Also one single headlight the entire width of the car with a fluorescent tube in it.

[ProgRocker]

A Peugeot/Citroen style immobiliser keypad that will only work once you crack the enigma code.

[IronStar]

Do you lot work for JLR, Ford, Stellantis, Mercedes and BMW? 

[sierraman]

A really complicated sunroof system with loads of pivots and hinges made from bare metal and ideally plastic ball joints from that material they used to make those video cases from that looked like books. Some sort of module that sits in a depression in the roof that collects water. 

[IronStar]

Just now, sierraman said:

A really complicated sunroof system with loads of pivots and hinges made from bare metal and ideally plastic ball joints from that material they used to make those video cases from that looked like books. Some sort of module that sits in a depression in the roof that collects water. 

No need, Peugeot did this already on their convertibles. Add hydraulics prone to leaking for extra fun*. 

[RayMK]

I'd include a sealed for life automatic gearbox with near impossible access if someone outside of the dealer revenue stream dared to try to change the fluid when it's triggered limp mode at 70K miles.  I would use a mixture of modern fashion fixings such as three, five or seven  point phillips head type bolts and ensure that the wheels on one side had left hand threads and locking nuts made from a dubious alloy which will fail at 1nm over the stipulated torque figure. Talking of wheels, they would be alloy,   designed for billiard table smooth surfaces and break on the first pothole that the driver hit instead of swerving to test the safety features when clouting objects not detected by the numerous handling and braking electronic aids but not seen due to the strong pillars.  Of course, no spare would be fitted. Instead, a pump, or better still, a cartridge of ultra messy goo capable of sealing a typical pin prick puncture in a  cycle car tyre would be provided after unbolting the rear seat base to gain access to it. Oh, and software that is so specialised that the main dealer does not know how to use it and is utterly puzzled by the fact that the £20K diagnostic suite did not tell him or her (or whatever) to actually check for still unplugged connectors by looking in the car, not at the computer screen after ECUs and sensors had been replaced but the fault remained.

[sierraman]

Shear bolts used on the crank pulley bolt to hold the belt on. No reason at all other than some engineer that couldn’t mend a puncture has worked out on some programs that it maintains accuracy of torque. In fact I’d fit them throughout. Or some sort of 7 sided bolt. Held in with some special thread lock that fuses metal together. 

[D.E]

Having to scroll through multiple long pages of terms & conditions and clicking "I accept" (of course, you can choose "do not accept", but certain equipment of the car will be disabled then) for each page will be an unavoidable part of the car's startup process. Of course, you'll have to do this every single start. 

[goosey]

Captive nuts in awkward places, with the captive part held on with half a poorly placed spot weld and the bolt made of cheese 

[D.E]

Maybe a triangle would be a good* shape for the steering wheel...

[goosey]

Water soluble wiring loom 

[Wibble]

An OBD port only accessible by the original supplying dealer, or a £1000 subscription,  to be able to code in that replacement headlight  bulb you need.

[RayMK]

.... not forgetting to incorporate a glass roof capable of shattering at the slightest bit of hail or when the body flexes 1mm when jacked incorrectly.  This will be replaceable whilst available* but would leak afterwards.  

[D.E]