Reading the Ads...

[sierraman]

‘Really don’t want to sell this’

So I’ll fuck you about something rotten until I decide not to sell it 

[sierraman]

‘Enthusiast owned’

Ill bore you into a coma when you come round with a potted history of the model then you’ll discover it’s very shiny but actually fucked underneath.

[sierraman]

‘Owners Club Car’

Asking too much.

[sierraman]

‘New XYZ all fitted by me’

Badly, in fact everywhere you’ve been the bolts are either chewed up or done up to 3000nm. Half a kilo of copper ease used behind every brake pad. 

[Jazoli]

"Testing the water" = I'm a fucking bellend

'Needs a gearbox bearing, part is only £20' whilst omitting to mention the £600 labour to fit.

'Should fly through next mot' = I know its fucked as my dodgy mate did the last one.

'XXXX not working, nevva bovverd me m8' = I'm a thick cunt and have spent 2p maintaining the car in the last 5 years, had a corker like this when asking questions about a car on FB 'car sometimes cuts out, always restarts fine on the key' just what you want in the fast lane of the M6 in an automatic car, I'll just stop and restart it should I?

Anyone who uses text speak in any advert or when you send a message about the car gets binned and the car forgotten immediately, the world is full of cheapskate illiterate fools, Its fairly easy to see right through most ads, I know I have passed good cars over but the sellers inability to communicate clearly in English has cost them the sale.

 

[tooSavvy]

6 hours ago, St.Jude said:

Usually, always often, associated with blue oval badged cars.

+ 'free' Dustpan & Brush........

[Billy - Medhurst]

"Check the photos carefully as they form part of the description" Seen that on Ebay and took it as a form of "words fail me." Also could be taken as - "I have scruples so you buy it you've mugged yourself"

[Billy - Medhurst]

47 minutes ago, Jazoli said:

"Testing the water" = I'm a fucking bellend.'

Boils my piss that one - usually a timewaster that wont sell it anyway.

[HMC]

“Excellent pre accident condition”

before it was wrapped round a tree it was ok

And variation on a theme 

“it’s a category c but don’t let that put you off”

Actuslly kudos for saying so- extra trust points (up to a point) 

[sierraman]

Yeah if it’s badly spelt it’s an idiot for sure. There’s no excuse for it in the day and age of spell check. A few words that mark out a twat are ‘mint’ or ‘fast car’ and again the swapping thing. I’ve not swapped a car since 1993, but then I was 7 and it was swapped for another Corgi car. 

Photo wise, if it’s parked in a car wash again that’s an immediate bin. These little hints in the background paint a big picture.

[Rod/b]

“Age related marks” Oh, what, cars just develop scratches and dents like fucking WRINKLES as they get older do they? Or do you mean you’ve scraped it on a gate or a post or two, you utter flid? 

[tooSavvy]

8 minutes ago, Rod/b said:

“Age related marks” Oh, what, cars just develop scratches and dents like fucking WRINKLES as they get older do they? Or do you mean you’ve scraped it on a gate or a post or two, you utter flid? 

I am heartbroken to confide.... Not "Age related marks" on SuziQ (WAS mint for 22yrs...) but fukkinn Tesco 'trolley rash'...

I Could Cry!!!

[anonymous user]

Ideal surf wagon - rusty, dreadful paint and the interior already smells of neoprene, sweat and weed.

[chaseracer]

7 hours ago, Soundwave said:

"Good condition for year" - the very fact I've had to add "for year" to that sentence should tell you everything you need to know.

This phrase, when applied to a mid-80s Escort, translates as STILL HOLDS ITS SHAPE AND SOME OF IT HASN'T BEEN SWEPT INTO A BINBAG. YET.

[warch]

Unfinished project= I've given up trying to fix this fucking thing.

(Goes with) 90% complete= just* needs that windscreen that no one has had in stock since 2008.

Nice patina= synonym for rust, shamelessly nicked from the classic scene.

[sdkrc]

'prices of these are only going up'

= I've added the anticipated inflation onto the price already

[Split_Pin]

+1 for any car photographed in a car wash, especially if there are tracksuitted people standing in the background.

The classic is 'Offers' though. Thick pillocks who want twice what its worth. Thankfully these adverts aren't allowed on most car FB Pages any more and they all get flamed  now anyway.

 

[Datsuncog]

"Full service history"

Two non-consecutive MOT certificates from the early 2000s, plus a faded Halfords receipt for some wiper refills and a bottle of Radweld in October 2011.

[Split_Pin]

I think I've mentioned before that I went to see a 75 in September 2018 which was being sold with a full service history at a price which supposedly reflected this.

The guy gushingly showed me the book, last stamped in 2016. He had no concept of the time/mileage interval. There was absolutely  no documentary evidence of any other work done to the car in its then 14 years.

Never buy a car from anybody who lives in Shotts or Airdrie.

[Datsuncog]

"First to see will buy"

As a weird kid who loved to read through the Cars For Sale page in the local rag, circling all the shagged-out £50 Marinas and £80 Avengers that I could just about afford to buy (but not fix) if I raided my TSB Junior Saver account, I initially read it as more of a threat than an enticement... rocking up to view a car only to get a shotgun waved at me, and a growl of, "well boy - looks like you're the first to see it. Now git yer wallet out, 'fore I fill you fulla lead..."

Later, I twigged that it was meant to simply imply that the car was so desirable and so keenly priced that the first punter to beat a path to the vendor's door would undoubtedly be unable to stop themselves from throwing wads of cash around. Still, it seemed like a pointless waste of money appending that to your ad, back in the days when you paid by the word for your classified ad because it told me nothing useful about the car - and was especially unconvincing when the same text, for the same overpriced heap, reappeared week after week.

Nowadays, it amuses me when an ad begins with "READVERTISED DUE TO TIME WASTER", then finishes on "First to see will buy".

So - first to see didn't buy, then...?

[sierraman]

Flip flops and socks. Just no.

[bunglebus]

2 hours ago, Datsuncog said:

First to see will buy

There's a part of me that's always a little bit tempted to go and look, then not buy it.

[Bren]

" ran well when last used"

So did the titanic.

[Bren]

Another one that grips my shit 

" testing the water but in no rush to sell"

Rough translation - I am a greedy fecker looking for somebody a bit gullable.

[Bren]

"It is what it is - it ain't what it ain't"

Translation - it's fucked and i'm letting you know gently.

[Split_Pin]

Relisted due to time waster could potentially mean "I'm a lying snake who was unprepared for the last interested party to notice all the significant faults on the car that I hadn't mentioned".

"£500 without MOT or £700 with an MOT". This one confuses me.

"Mechanic owned". I've seen some mechanic's cars, I used to work amongst them and I can confirm that among those I knew, none could be bothered maintaining their cars after working on other peoples' all week.

"Bought it for my wife but she didn't like it" = I didn't check it over properly before I bought it and its fucked. 

[timolloyd]

Owned in the same family from new = village bike

[Timewaster]

9 hours ago, Split_Pin said:

Bought it for my wife but she didn't like it" = I didn't check it over properly before I bought it and its fucked. 

The car or the wife?

[anonymous user]

Favourite for buggering up searches

"Not, GTI, Sri, Turbo, Teasmade, etc"

[anonymous user]

And "fully loaded" on a base model  but fitted with a Halfords stereo and shiny floormats