The grumpy thread

[Cavcraft]

Mrs Brady, Old Lady in Viz was inspired by Chris Donald's wife's experiences in the local post office.

Mrs Brady Old lady was my fave Viz character! I don't think she's in it any more. Finbar Saunders and his Double Entendres was funny aswell.And Letterbocks . And Fat Slags. Billy The Fish was shit, as was Roger Mellie.

All good but Roger Irrelevant and the Bacons were damned hard to beat, ditto Sid the Sexist.

[chester drawers]

I don't think she's in it any more.

Mrs Brady’s in the current issue. As are Profanisaurus updates for beef teabag and hoover’s disease. These and the Kerry Katona Iceland advert spoof are making me snigger in an immature kind of way.

Was looking at some early 90's issues recently though - insert predictable it’s not as funny as it used to be comment here.

[Parky]

Yeah, but its not as funny as it used.......I used to love the spoof ads - memorial Hitler plates and "Troll Sight - Trolls getting your goat? You need Troll Sight!"And top tips were always a winner.....

[Guest]

Yeah, but its not as funny as it used.......I used to love the spoof ads - memorial Hitler plates and "Troll Sight - Trolls getting your goat? You need Troll Sight!"And top tips were always a winner.....

I liked 'Nazi Caravan (Incorporating Extreme Right Wing Motorhome)'I have Roger Mellie's Profanisaurus, it is fucking brilliant.What am I annoyed about today? Letting the NW end down and not having a meet because I have to strip 'the' conservatory out. PARENTS_WAT are having a new one built. I don't why. There's nothing wrong with the one they have, and in all probability they're going to have to kill a beautiful 21 year old wisteria that's grown up around it. There seemed to be some kind of debate over where exactly we were going to have the next meet. We need to sort that out. It's all up in the air at the moment anyway, because I find out tomorrow whether I've got that job I applied for. The meet might move to Saturdays if that happens, because this new job requires 'some afternoon Sunday working'. I knew that anyway.Anyway, the next one is off anyway because of Cholmondeley.

[pogweasel]

What am I annoyed about today? Letting the NW end down and not having a meet because I have to strip 'the' conservatory out. PARENTS_WAT are having a new one built. I don't why. There's nothing wrong with the one they have, and in all probability they're going to have to kill a beautiful 21 year old wisteria that's grown up around it. .

We can haz old conservatories?

[trigger]

Bloody rain, It's been sunny all week and the one day i decide to take my car to a show it pisses it down.Currently sat very wet inside my car waiting for it to stop. Bad times.

[pogweasel]

I would happily trudge round a car show in the rain today, rather than be sat indoors waiting on everyone else.

[wuvvum]

The windscreen of the Renner 21 got hit by flying stones at Marham yesterday and now sports a fetching crack on the passenger side and a fuck-off great stone chip right in the driver's line of sight. Which is going to mean spending even more money on it before it's MoT-able. Arsebuckets.

[Lankytim]

After last weeks work related misery things had been looking up. Just to recap, after a selecting the wrong mode on my lorrys tachograph I had to re-take a break to avoid getting into trouble, except an office busybody didnt like the fact "id got away it" as id avoided an infringement and went to town, saying how he was going to make a complaint to my agency, blah blah, recommend dismissal, blah blah e.t.c.

 

I explained all of this to my agency as I was pretty worried and thought id lost my job. Turns out this guy is pretty much a nobody and no action was taken against me.

 

Anyway, the day before yesterday I got into work and "the twat" was back at his desk booking drivers in. He took me to one side and explained that all the dismissal stuff was not his department and he was only interested in my appearance and how he got some details wrong e.t.c. Basically I got the impression he must have been bollocked for overstepping the mark and was backtracking on what hed said to me previously. The tosser took 15 minutes to explain all this to me and booked me in 15 mins late. Bastard.

 

Fast forward to this morning and I turned up 7 mins late. This gave "the twat" to go on one of his rants (in public) on how things arn't looking great for me and how my timekeeping problem in conjunction with my tachograph problem means I may be dismissed and my agency may even lose their contract. Bear in mind this is the first time ive been late, infact I usually turn up 15-20 mins early. It also takes 7 mins atleast to walk from security to transport. He continued "fortunately for you, I won't take things any further this time".

 

Chatting to the other office staff ( who are all sound as a pound) this guy is known for being a bit of a busybody cunt. Think Gareth from the office, but with a bit more venom. He really is boiling my piss and ive concluded that I am well and truly on his radar and he wont stop until he has nailed me for something that warrants my dismissal.

 

Anyway, hes selling a bike and has his mobile number attatched to an ad on the noticeboard. Anybody know of any fun I can have with it at his expense?

[Richard]

The obvious thing is to write it in a public toilet with the offer of "cock fun".

[Lankytim]

Humm, that would be very good but I was hoping to sign him up to some sort of text based contract that he can never cancel.

[Cavcraft]

+1Once the made the mistake of visiting the (old) toilets at The Midway Truckstop, Whitchurch.I would therefore recommend a permanent marker pen and some choice words about 'services offered'.

[Guest]

Humm, that would be very good but I was hoping to sign him up to some sort of text based contract that he can never cancel.

Send me his number Tim, I know LOADS of spam dialer services. I also have an indelible marker in my back pocket. What's his name?

[Richard]

Humm, that would be very good but I was hoping to sign him up to some sort of text based contract that he can never cancel.

And you can't do both because...?

[chester drawers]

Tim, make some tentative enquiries to assorted god bothering outfits (Alpha Course and the like). Once they smell potential for a few quid they’ll never leave him alone.

[retrogeezer]

Poxy frickin weather.....my little girls birthday today and she wanted a tea party at home. So, 4pm to 6pm is the time and after 2 weeks of glorious weather it decides to throw it down at exactly 4pm.....after I have spent ages blowing up the bouncy castle, getting stuff out for the kids to play on etc.And then at 7pm when they have all gone the sun comes back out and it's a glorious evening....cheers for that.

[Guest]

an office busybody

I went on a Customer Services training course once. It was in some building in another town, with a load of people I'd never seen before - all women, just a set of old bags mostly. Given that no feedback was to be given and I didn't know any of them, I decided to spend the day making out I was an absolute nutter - just to see what would happen.A big part of it was to do with colleague relationships, eventually they asked each person in turn what you would do if someone had a big problem with you at your work. Cue loads of middle-aged women saying they would discuss it with their manager and see if something could be worked out, etc. I just said I'd confront them in the car park and see if it escalates from there. By then I think they believed me. Hope that helps!

[brammy777]

I have a feeling I may have caught a virus which doesnt allow me to eat for a day, Ive had it before and its horrible. Bugger! It was literally pointless eating today.

[Guest]

Brammy, hope that's not the case and you can keep stuff down, else Hirst'll be berating you in the college car park. The last time I had symptoms like that I got myself a nice case of gastroenteroitis and was shitting green liquid poo for a week. Anyway, I get told today whether I've got this 'sodding' job.Here's a break down of today's events.8.35. Wat leaves for work.8.37 Citroen annoys Wat on the way to work.8.50 Wat arrives at work, tries to get a cup of tea 5 minutes before the cunteen opens. 'CAN'T AVE NO CUP OF TEA OFMMMMMGGGHHHHH', says Lurch.9.01 Wat begins his shift in a somewhat piecemeal style, carefully skiving and disguising the true intention of what he's doing with a series of artful euphemisms.9.30 Wat gets told he hasn't got the job. His mood is ugly.9.33 Wat finds out his insufferable fat cunt cumburp of a colleague has the job despite management's confessed hatred of him.9.35 Wat wishes cancer on aformentioned rotund co-worker.9.40 Wat goes on 'extended emergency toilet break' (AUX code 4, fact fans).9.45 Wat returns into the main building with a concealed weapon.9.50 In full view of the management, Wat smashes fuckface with all his strength in the back of the neck with a hilariously disguised scissor jack lever. Mongotron slumps elegantly in his orthopaedic chair which then collapses under the weight of his brobdingnagian bulk. What is left of the damping fluid dribbles pathetically on to the 2 ply carpet like premature prom night.10.30 Someone notices and actually has to give a fuck. The least senior member of management is instructed to stop polishing his Audi with the wet end of his cock.10.45 Wat is led out of the office in handcuffs, 'just for show', muttering 'At least I didn't set fire to the bastard'...........CUE A REPEAT OF FRIENDS, A REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING STING MIXED AT A FAR HIGHER LEVEL TO THE OTHER PROGRAMMING, AND THEN SOME BOLLOCKS ABOUT DAVID CAMERON'S CODPIECE.FIN.

[ashmicro]

ANYway...best of luck Wat. Hopefully you'll have something to put in the "Antidote" thread a bit later.

[Cavcraft]

You should have put that on your application form Jon, I'd have given you the job.Good luck anyhow, hopefully you'll land the role and be able to violently smirk at that bumlord if you do.

[Guest]

I reckon he will get the job. Wonder how the odds will stack up with me and Wattonearthy now for job-related violence. I reckon the chances of him making "first blood" are higher than mine, though I still think I'll be the first to cause some kind of massacre. BETTING ENDS!

[seth]

No newsflash updates on Office murders in South Manchester. Wat's happened?

[jonny69]

I had my car loaded up with tools after doing some welding on a mate's Zodiac, sat at some lights opposite a pub near home and some skinhead pisshead twat was like "oi mate, it's my birthday, give me a ride in your car".I just shook my head and smiled so he decided he'd come over and try and persuade me a bit harder. Closer up he's got a load of small plasters and cuts all over his face from whatever bottle fight he was in last week. Great. The lights saved me but he was half in the car as I made some noise and started to roll forward. I think the blat on the throttle made him jump and then seeing my huge bald back wheel about to run him over finally made him change his mind.

[Mr_Bo11ox]

Ha ha, good story there Jonny96. I bet even now that guy can't believe what sort of an ar$ehole would actually set off driving away when he was half in the car!!! 'Whats the world coming to' etc etc.Shame there wasnt a steamroller behind you at the lights for some proper Warner brothers-style physical comedy.

[Lankytim]

Is Wat's story real or imagined? I get confused sometimes... I got woken up yesterday afternoon by my agency "why havent you turned up for work? you are running 2 hours late, the customer is furious!" Err, because the customer changed my start time last night, thats why.Turns out the day shift office staff had forgot to inform the night shift office staff on the change of my start time and when I failed to appear they rang my agency to complain. Strangely this wasnt anything to do with the guy whos been on my back these last few weeks as he wasnt in. It was a genuine cock-up.Twats.Regarding this fellas number, Id like to keep it in reserve incase he really pisses me off rather than "go nuclear" on him right now. Besides, I need to double check it really is his number, and not someone with the same name and same type of bike for sale.

[Cavcraft]

Current odds:Jon has the job and is in a pub in Manchester off his face on pints of vodka before contemplating doing the backstroke in she ship canal: 2/1.Two sets of sirens are racing down the cobbled streets. One is a white Mariah containing a strait-jacketed, frothing at the mouth Volvo owner, the other is an ambulance containing some snivelling, brown nosed bloke with an industrial stapler up his ring piece and a pencil sharpener ramned into each eye socket: 11/7 on.

[Minimad5]

I'll throw £5 on the first odd'sHe deserves it The suspence is killing us

[Parky]

WAT CAN HAZ PROMOSHUN?I cant wait either!

[messerschmitt owner]

utter, utter w****ers cycling rickshaws down the ***ing Strand in the dark with no lights on when I'm hurtling down in a 4 and a half tonner! Next time, it'll be more than shit on yer pants you useless F**ker