Things in car adverts that make you go "Oh F*** Off"

[bub2006]

I know Mansfield ring road,born in Sutton and yes a rainy day would show how shite things are!

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

Slutton In Trashfield! Could have an image of the car in question at eight years old moored up outside Sutton Auto Factors, driven by some overweight bloke in trackie bottoms.

[Pete-M]

"Aircon just needs re gas" actually means the owner would rather sit in a bucket of their own sweat and piss than spend a couple of quid a month using the Aircon.

 

More often than not this means the AC system has been switched off for the last two years and is now totally fucked. Their usual answer to any AC issues is "Just open the window" and a little arm jiggle that nicely exhibits the under arm sweat stains gathered by the non use of aircon.

 

If I see "just needs re gas" in an advert I find it easier to move on than look any further. Anyone who runs a car on a budget so tight they can't use the AC is going to have skimped on plenty of other things.

[Formula Autos]

An alternative reason for aircon re-gassing being needed is often gifferness. Scary "new-fangled" things in cars like air-con and stereos are often left stubbornly untouched during giffer ownership. The only "new-fangled" thing some choose to master is electric windows, and only then due to necessity.

 

Why do these people go into dealerships and buy anything other than a povvo-spec car? Badge snobbery is my guess. They're not impressed themselves with all the toys that a Ghia (or insert equivalent non FoMoCo alternative) has, but the badge, coloured bumpers, and alloy wheels should impress the neighbours. Which is the whole point for them.

 

I'd love to run a new car dealership offering covert "magpie" editions of new cars, with fancy paint jobs, alloy wheels, tinted windows, and a povvo-spec interior with keep-fit windows and sod-all equipment. The giffers would lap them up, and kid themselves that their neighbours are still impressed.

 

Anyhow, I digress. One thing in adverts that really pisses me off is "valuable numberplate". Sell it seperately then, D46 JOE. I'm not called Joe, or even D46, and couldn't give a shit about it. It's hassle I could do without; cocking about getting the DVLA to change the plate back to its original one. You are a lazy bastard, Mr D46 JOE. Sort it out yourself.

 

Another thing that boils my piss is modern advert music. This isn't just confined to car adverts, mind. It all follows a simple formula:

1. Take a well known song. It should be from the right era for the target demographic you're trying to hawk your shit to. Something they would have in their record collection.
2. Re-arrange said song, so that it's still recognizable, but much slower. Ideally it should be an acoustic version.
3. Find a reedy voiced individual to perform said song. Ideally they should sound like someone who has decided, due to insanity, to sing this song whilst hiding in an attic from the Nazis who are searching the floor below, but somehow reatains enough common sense to sing it at a volume that prevents discovery. Preferably they should be female.

Now this has been pointed out, I guarantee you that you will notice this formula in action during every ad-break at primetime on ITV.

[Skoze]

Another thing that boils my piss is modern advert music. This isn't just confined to car adverts, mind. It all follows a simple formula:

1. Take a well known song. It should be from the right era for the target demographic you're trying to hawk your shit to. Something they would have in their record collection.
2. Re-arrange said song, so that it's still recognizable, but much slower. Ideally it should be an acoustic version.
3. Find a reedy voiced individual to perform said song. Ideally they should sound like someone who has decided, due to insanity, to sing this song whilst hiding in an attic from the Nazis who are searching the floor below, but somehow reatains enough common sense to sing it at a volume that prevents discovery. Preferably they should be female.

 

This makes me want to tear off my own nutsack. 

[bub2006]

Slutton In Trashfield! Could have an image of the car in question at eight years old moored up outside Sutton Auto Factors, driven by some overweight bloke in trackie bottoms.

Pretty much sums up alot of the folk I have seen in there. Always has a flatbed of some description with a pikey looking fella in riggers ordering a starter motor for a fiesta.

[cort1977]

An alternative reason for aircon re-gassing being needed is often gifferness. Scary "new-fangled" things in cars like air-con and stereos are often left stubbornly untouched during giffer ownership. The only "new-fangled" thing some choose to master is electric windows, and only then due to necessity.

 

 

My Dad falls in to this category I think.   Three years ago I was driving his car in the summer, no AC.  

 

'Dad, your AC needs looking at'.

'OK son I'll get the garage to look at it at next service'

 

Two years later I was driving his car (again on the muggiest summer day east London can provide).

 

'Dad, your AC isn't working'

Old man turns fan to 4.

'Yes it is, look it's fine'

 

I think he just takes the attitude that he hasn't felt the need for AC for the last 40 years so isn't going to start now.   He will use the stereo though but every preset station is tuned to radio 4.

 

To avoid adverts I have now stopped watching live TV entirely, just netflix, amazon and you tube.  

[Manbearpig]

This thread is the best in years

[UltraWomble]

My Dad falls in to this category I think.   Three years ago I was driving his car in the summer, no AC.  

 

 

My mother too.

She has a damp problem with her Poloyp and the screen takes an age to demist, I said just whack the air con on even with the temp turned up and it'll run through the drier and clear quicker - at this point I find the air con doesnt work and apparently hasnt been switched on since 2007....

 

£50 later and its working and her screen clears MUCH quicker now.

 

 

I still cant convince her to use 5th gear though. She learned in a 4 speed and 4 speeds are good enough for her.

[Parky]

I always wish I could have been in that Ford advert with the speak and spell dashboard. I would have texted

 

"You have the worst clutch control of anyone who has ever driven me. Now do us a favour love, pull it over and let the bloke drive it yeah?"

 

That would have pissed her right off!

[MarvinsMom]

since when has dacia been "dacha"?

 

i thought thats wot you called your country mansion if your a big wig in the communist party?

 

basically, given the amount of money car makers throw at adverts, the fact that they are all such donkey-raping-shit-eating crap is amazing.

 

those smug german shit ones are the very, very worse.

[steve_earwig]

"Datchiya" is how they pronounce it here. Maybe they know better 'cos they're forrin too.

[MarvinsMom]

My mother too.

She has a damp problem with her Poloyp and the screen takes an age to demist, I said just whack the air con on even with the temp turned up and it'll run through the drier and clear quicker - at this point I find the air con doesnt work and apparently hasnt been switched on since 2007....

 

£50 later and its working and her screen clears MUCH quicker now.

 

 

I still cant convince her to use 5th gear though. She learned in a 4 speed and 4 speeds are good enough for her.

 

i get the same problem if going from the jaguar and the rover.

 

the jaguar is automatic and the rover is manual. the number of times i've pulled up and either been unable to find a clutch peddle (in the jag) or had the car stutter and cough and stop unexpectedly (the rover) cos i've NOT used the clutch.

 

and SWMBO is used to running about in her austin metro, she has the same problem with having too many gears in the rover.

[MarvinsMom]

"Datchiya" is how they pronounce it here. Maybe they know better 'cos they're forrin too.

 

and thats me told, ta.

[Sloth in a bowl]

This

 

[RayMK]

and thats me told, ta.

Me as well.  But I prefer the English way, even though it's wrong  .  I don't say fokesvargon either.

[UltraWomble]

The word "Simples" anywhere in an advert, but by a car trader makes me want to rip out his windpipe and whip him to death with it.

[crapcarcollector]

and thats me told, ta.

I remember when Dacia were importing cars first time round and magazine articles were printing Day-See-Ya to educate the masses for pronunciation.

 

So they can fuck off if they think I'm calling it a datwhateverer. It's fucking Dacia. The only one worth buying is £5995 and when it comes over all Renault you throw it in the bin.

[steve_earwig]

Dayseer. My sis-in.law here had one (Logan I think), I was in it a few times, the interior exuded kwality but I found the indicators amusing because they sound like sonar pings in a submarine film, just when everyone's crapping themselves 'cos when it stops the depth charges start. So were hurtling down to the shops, they're thinking about what to buy but I'm thinking "brace for impact! Awooga Awooga!" every time she turns a corner. Mind you, her driving was a bit like that anyway.

 

A turd by any other name would still stink of shit.

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

An alternative reason for aircon re-gassing being needed is often gifferness. Scary "new-fangled" things in cars like air-con and stereos are often left stubbornly untouched during giffer ownership. The only "new-fangled" thing some choose to master is electric windows, and only then due to necessity.

 

Why do these people go into dealerships and buy anything other than a povvo-spec car? Badge snobbery is my guess. They're not impressed themselves with all the toys that a Ghia (or insert equivalent non FoMoCo alternative) has, but the badge, coloured bumpers, and alloy wheels should impress the neighbours. Which is the whole point for them.

 

I'd love to run a new car dealership offering covert "magpie" editions of new cars, with fancy paint jobs, alloy wheels, tinted windows, and a povvo-spec interior with keep-fit windows and sod-all equipment. The giffers would lap them up, and kid themselves that their neighbours are still impressed.

 

Anyhow, I digress. One thing in adverts that really pisses me off is "valuable numberplate". Sell it seperately then, D46 JOE. I'm not called Joe, or even D46, and couldn't give a shit about it. It's hassle I could do without; cocking about getting the DVLA to change the plate back to its original one. You are a lazy bastard, Mr D46 JOE. Sort it out yourself.

 

Another thing that boils my piss is modern advert music. This isn't just confined to car adverts, mind. It all follows a simple formula:

1. Take a well known song. It should be from the right era for the target demographic you're trying to hawk your shit to. Something they would have in their record collection.
2. Re-arrange said song, so that it's still recognizable, but much slower. Ideally it should be an acoustic version.
3. Find a reedy voiced individual to perform said song. Ideally they should sound like someone who has decided, due to insanity, to sing this song whilst hiding in an attic from the Nazis who are searching the floor below, but somehow reatains enough common sense to sing it at a volume that prevents discovery. Preferably they should be female.

Now this has been pointed out, I guarantee you that you will notice this formula in action during every ad-break at primetime on ITV.

 

Who was that reedy voiced Anne Frank soundalike who absolutely murdered Frankie Goes To Hollywood's 'The Power Of Love'? She should be prosecuted for that.

[Bamboocarman]

'I have been as honest as I can be with this car. '

 

Well, that's very honest of you, thanks.

[Wagon]

Adverts for ex police cars and suchlike.

 

"Fully maintained by police own mechanics which everyone knows are more thorough than normal garages"

 

"One owner"

 

Yes and totally radged by dozens of different fat arsed coppers who don't give a stuff about it.

[Pillock]

I know Mansfield ring road,born in Sutton and yes a rainy day would show how shite things are!

I'm here flying the Kirkby flag.

 

I say flying, someone stole the flag and graffitti'ed the flag pole. And then built a pound shop on it.

[Lacquer Peel]

Spurious MPG claims. "My (insert car with ancient indirect injection diesel that would have struggled to break 50MPG when it was new) does 74MPG easy."

[andy18s]

If you ar e going to use music in a car ad,make it decent...

For example,

[Bamboocarman]

' You are viewing Volkswagen Golf GTI MK 3 2.0 8V AGG 

 

Bad Bits

 

Needs new clutch due to gearbox oil contamination via me adding gearbox oil to the wrong filling point

 

 

then . . .

 

 

Good Bits

 

Recently serviced by myself, oil and filter change, fuel filter, spark plugs, ht leads, distributer cap, rotor arm, coolant change, coolant temp sensor, thermostat, window wipers '

 

 

http://www.ebay.co.uk/itm/1997-VOLKSWAGEN-GOLF-GTI-2-0-8V-needs-new-clutch-/221677961415?pt=Automobiles_UK&hash=item339d0940c7

[bub2006]

I'm here flying the Kirkby flag.

 

I say flying, someone stole the flag and graffitti'ed the flag pole. And then built a pound shop on it.

Nowt wrong with Kirkby mate.......

[dave21478]

My Dad falls in to this category I think.   Three years ago I was driving his car in the summer, no AC.  

 

'Dad, your AC needs looking at'.

'OK son I'll get the garage to look at it at next service'

 

Two years later I was driving his car (again on the muggiest summer day east London can provide).

 

'Dad, your AC isn't working'

Old man turns fan to 4.

'Yes it is, look it's fine'

 

I think he just takes the attitude that he hasn't felt the need for AC for the last 40 years so isn't going to start now.   He will use the stereo though but every preset station is tuned to radio 4.

 

To avoid adverts I have now stopped watching live TV entirely, just netflix, amazon and you tube.  

 

I think you might be my brother.

 

Also add a stubborn refusal to use the heated windscreen on his new Focus. 

He always used to buy pov spec cars (R-reg escort with a double din radio, not even cassette!) and now that he has started buying newer stuff, the toys come as standard but he never uses any of them.

[HH-R]

The Kia advert that's on telly at the moment is piss boilingly annoying, the one where they're describing noises it makes.

[steve_earwig]

 

' You are viewing Volkswagen Golf GTI MK 3 2.0 8V AGG 

 

Bad Bits

 

Needs new clutch due to gearbox oil contamination via me adding gearbox oil to the wrong filling point

 

 

then . . .

 

 

Good Bits

 

Recently serviced by myself, oil and filter change, fuel filter, spark plugs, ht leads, distributer cap, rotor arm, coolant change, coolant temp sensor, thermostat, window wipers '

 

That does make you wonder how many other things the seller managed to cram in the wrong hole