Things in car adverts that make you go "Oh F*** Off"

[Richard]

I never bid on anything until the last minute, and usually use Gixen to bid in the last few seconds. If other bidders see competition early on it gives them time to talk themselves into upping their maximum bid.

[Tetleysmooth]

''It's a thousand pounds, or I'll scrap it''.

 

Scrap the fucker then, and enjoy your hundred quid.

[Cavcraft]

Selling a car, taken some pictures?

How about taking pictures of the inside from outside with the door shut and the window up? Nobody will think you're a lazy bastard I promise.

[Cavcraft]

Ultra womble: now you know what the reserve is, give your relative a bell and tell him you're going to bid £100 over the reserve. Then bid £20 over it and if someone else 'mysteriously' wins it you'll know something's wrong.

[dugong]

Selling a car, taken some pictures?

How about taking pictures of the inside from outside with the door shut and the window up? Nobody will think you're a lazy bastard I promise.

Didn't stop you from buying that Charade though. 

[sierraman]

Couple of my favourites...

 

2 owners... A family of 15 and a Minicab firm

 

Genuine reason for sale... It's fucked, that's genuinely why I want to sell it.

 

Lady owner... Kerbed, clutch worn out

 

Recent bills... It's cost a lot of money lately what with the head gasket, then the exhaust. Now its pissing oil out its just one bill too much. Not that I'd hide the fact its fucked.

 

1 month MOT... Getting rid now whilst its still running...

 

P/x WHY... I'm interested in your car but I've no money, what I have is a terminally ill laptop I'd like to broker the deal with

 

Downsized... Can't afford the fuel, let alone servicing it to an acceptable standard.

[Cavcraft]

Didn't stop you from buying that Charade though.

You should have said it wasn't allowed

[UltraWomble]

Just leave it and when it inevitably doesnt sell, offer him your original opening bid for it.

I am doing and if he comes back to me I'll tell him that Ive found something else. I CBA with it now.

[UltraWomble]

Ultra womble: now you know what the reserve is, give your relative a bell and tell him you're going to bid £100 over the reserve. Then bid £20 over it and if someone else 'mysteriously' wins it you'll know something's wrong.

Ive told him my max is £2500.

But Ive stopped at £1900 and CBA now going any higher. Bits missing mean its not really worth it to me. Im not the highest bidder so it will be interesting to see what happens.

[sierraman]

'Any trial or test considered'

 

Perhaps might you consider a road test by the ADAC from Istanbul to Liege? Are you open to an examination by an ordained Priest to check for any evidence of the occult within the car?

[Ghosty]

In the case of the Old Man, any six figure mileage.

[Bamboocarman]

 ' 2 service stamps in service book although not serviced for last 2 years. '

 

? ? ?

[steve_earwig]

Lady owner... Kerbed, clutch worn out

and driven through every last pot hole she could find.

 

One of the RAVs we looked at was apparently owned by a stewardess. It had lots of strange marks on the roof lining that looked suspiciously like high heel marks.

 

It also featured a damaged front wing that had been seamlessly* painted with rattle cans. Well, when I say seamless, I'm sure there's actually meant to be a seam between where the wing stops and the headlamp starts.

 

Top tip for buying cars in Croatia: If the pictures in the ad only show 3 sides of the car you can be sure that the side that didn't get a picture has a huge dent in it. You won't find this out until you've got up at the crack of dawn and driven half way across the country to look at it.

[UltraWomble]

 

Top tip for buying cars in Croatia: If the pictures in the ad only show 3 sides of the car you can be sure that the side that didn't get a picture has a huge dent in it. You won't find this out until you've got up at the crack of dawn and driven half way across the country to look at it.

This apparently applies in Blackburn too

[martc]

From ye olde days - newspaper add with photo of red car. Description reads ...blah blah red colour blah blah... When you are paying per word + extra for the photo why waste money on describing the colour?

[steve_earwig]

[charitable]Maybe the owner is colourblind[/charitable]

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

UP 4 GRABBS

 

 

GRAB A BARGIN

 

Yeah, grab away you horrible low life grabbing fuckcheese.

[carlo]

"224,000 miles so just run in" on any diesel/large petrol.

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

"Slightly above average motorway miles"

 

So it's done 200'000 miles then. 

[AnthonyG]

Oh, and that Fiesta advert with the gutless cuckold who accidentally mentions his girlfriend's dad's alcoholism, then apologises by text so the speak and spell dashboard reads it out to her. FUCK OFF.

Haha speak 'n spell dashboard have to remember that one!

 

And as for Toyota Yaris and the yoof, the only two people I know who drive Yaris's (Yarii?) are middle aged librarians. Yoof will drive an Aygo (although the ad for that is fucking awful as well).

 

All modern car ads that show the car in question being LHD and driving round some generic unplaceable city, these are usually filmed in somewhere like Brazil or South Africa.

 

The BMW 'Joy' ones really boiled my piss, fucking awful ungrammatical crap only a German who never spoke English outside his language class could have signed off on.

[smellmycheese]

"Previously owned by a doctor"

AND FUCKING WHAT?

I used to valet a doctors car and he was a dirty cunt, s type jag....absolutely minging,but even if he wasn't what benefit would it be? What's he gonna do when it's running rough? put some anti biotics in the tank???

 

"One lady owner"

SO FUCKING WHAT?

If my bird, ex bird, mother, mother in law or any female I know are anything to go by, that means the car will never have had any fluid levels checked, tyre pressures never checked, tyre walls fucked from bouncing kerbs and the front rear bumpers will be bladdered from crashing into bollards.

 

Verdict:

FUCK OFF

[twosmoke300]

Had a classic woman's ka in this week for a misfire . Plug gaps measured in feet n inches , oil off the bottom of the stick and two tyres showing cords . Smelt nice inside tho

[martybabes]

 

The BMW 'Joy' ones really boiled my piss, fucking awful ungrammatical crap only a German who never spoke English outside his language class could have signed off on.

 

irony...

[Noel Tidybeard]

"Previously owned by a doctor"

 

 

 

yes i work with doctors and there is a good reason they send them out in a car with a driver!

[Manbearpig]

Private ads starting "I can't believe I'm doing this...."

 

Oh spare us your self indulgent hand wringing, your selling a car not offering the family dog up as a blood sacrifice.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Oh yes and that new Corsa advert boils my piss too.....simultaneously shit and yet totally new in its concept of actually pandering to the mutant estate urchins who will buy it in 7 years time, mod the shit out of it, shag their underage girlfriend in it and only clean out the McDonalds bags littering the back seat when they find a nice stretch of quiet country road.

[UltraWomble]

yes i work with doctors and there is a good reason they send them out in a car with a driver!

I bought a 3 year old ex-Out of Hours centre car when I was working there. It was incredibly cheap but also incredibly fucked and needed a new clutch at 40,000 miles, not a single body panel was undented or unscratched the interior looked like a teenage boys bedroom. My wife loved it probably because it was 3 years old but as rough as a badgers arse so could be parked anywhere without worry.

[sierraman]

It makes me chuckle on adverts for newish chod like a Clio or whatever and its so devoid of any equipment they have to mention its got a 5 speed gearbox... It's also got this gadget that blows hot air out into the cabin and these sort of tin things that are on hinges that keep the burglars out and stop you getting wet. Some even have this round handle in front of the seat that dictates your trajectory.

 

Some history... A few old Tax discs and a dog eared receipt from Kwik Fit that may or may not be related to this car. Found it when I was cleaning the car out scrabbling for some credibility to put in the advert

 

Air con just needs regassing... Compressors fucked

 

Recent belt... Just the belt, not the groaning water pump or the whining tensioner

 

Very fast... Vectra SXI

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

Haha speak 'n spell dashboard have to remember that one!

 

And as for Toyota Yaris and the yoof, the only two people I know who drive Yaris's (Yarii?) are middle aged librarians. Yoof will drive an Aygo (although the ad for that is fucking awful as well).

 

All modern car ads that show the car in question being LHD and driving round some generic unplaceable city, these are usually filmed in somewhere like Brazil or South Africa.

 

The BMW 'Joy' ones really boiled my piss, fucking awful ungrammatical crap only a German who never spoke English outside his language class could have signed off on.

Not to mention the ads for other Jap crap.

 

The one where some miserable, forgettable hatchback (I've forgotten what it is) is driven by various trendy Guardian reading cuntox all badly singing a dreadful Bruno Mars song. Of course there's some ultra trendy twat in the back with his ultra trendy hipster beard. Cunts.  FUCK OFF.

 

Or the advert for some other faux 4x4 shitbox where they chase some twats in wheeled canoes with this shitbox (Mitsutoshi?) whilst filming it all. Cunt with a trendy beard involved as well. FUCK OFF.

 

Just as awful, some dreadful minging Suzuki white-goods 4x4 heap where everyone one wants a ride in it from the (pretty fit) bird who's pretending to be up the duff (want me to make double sure Love? eh? EH? PHWOOAAARR!!) to the slightly disturbing looking chap with the brat, remote control plane and a slightly menacing look. FUCK OFF!!

 

Car advertising really has hit a new low. Trouble is, show the car driving around Mansfield ring road in the pissing rain being driven by a Member of the British Public and telly watching mongs will realise the utter  futility of their lives.

[steve_earwig]

It's stuck in your mind though, which is the whole point.

 

Is everyone's telly remote broken? Just turn the fuckers over or off or just mute the volume. Although I can appreciate that, now everyone has 200+ channels of garbage to choose from, if you turn it over you might not find it again.

[The Reverend Bluejeans]

It's stuck in your mind though, which is the whole point.

 

Is everyone's telly remote broken? Just turn the fuckers over or off or just mute the volume. Although I can appreciate that, now everyone has 200+ channels of garbage to choose from, if you turn it over you might not find it again.

 

Problem is though, when you've got a slack day at home either spend the whole day wanking or watching back to back repeats of Midsomer Norton Murders. The crap adverts just raise the urine temperature.