Shitest vans

[Guest vancurious]

Thanks to everyone who offered suggestions on shite vans in the "Introduce Yourself" topic. For those who haven't read the post, here's a recap... I'm doing a little story research. The main character works for a low-budget, home library charity and is lent a succession of crap vans to drive on her rounds. Modern setting. The van's age is no obstacle, as long as it might believably lurk in the "God no, only in emergencies" corner of some rural garage, still in roughly roadworthy condition. The more obscure the better, of course.

 

Suggestions so far: mid-80s Merc 207D and 307D, plus the ever popular LDV Pilot. I'll throw the glorious Bedford Rascal into the ring. My landlord once drove me at top speed (>15mph?) in his Rascal down an unsurfaced Devon lane, when my seatbelt gave out at a huge pothole. I left a noggin-shaped dent in the roof. Walked the few miles home from the pub and counted myself lucky.

 

[Lacquer Peel]

LDV Cub or Nissan Vanette? They aren't that shit to drive unless you're in a hurry but have a bad reputation.

 

I've just bought a late mk2 Caddy TDI which isn't shit at all, it's rapid for a small 1990s designed van. Maybe a SEAT Inca SDI would inhabit the grim corner.

[quicksilver]

Commer PB. Just awful in every way.

[Station]

Deffo Serena/Vanette. Bonus of being the slowest car on the road when it was released.

[Richard]

One of the little Japanese vans from the 80s, Suzuki Carry or similar.

[Alexg]

Reliant Kitten van

[Dick Cheeseburger]

In order of snot:

 

 

 

[scruff]

C15

Renault Express

Maestro

Astramax

[scruff]

Wuvvum could probably sell you a van

[catsinthewelder]

Bedford Midi or it's replacement the Vauxhall Arena.

[wuvvum]

Anything with an LDV badge really.

 

Or a Subaru 700, obvs - don't get much more obscure than that without going into grey import territory.

[holbeck]

Austin A35

[Ghosty]

Ex-Citylink green and yellow VW LT35.

 

[castros_bro]

 

Renault T900 with easy payment terms available.

[Junkman]

U IZ ORL RONG

 

[Uncle Jimmy]

Most of these vans have retro kudos. I suggest my own 1994 non turbo, rusty ex-dubber T4 1.9. Failing that a Mk1 Astra van.

[eddyramrod]

[J-Rod]

 

Father J-Rod had one of those in the mid-late '80s. My god, it was miserable. Cold, uncomfy, noisy, slow. 
 

Used to get picked up from playgroup in it and have chips. Good times  

[eddyramrod]

I had two in about 1983/4...

I actually like these, mostly for their simplicity.  I'd love to have one now.

 

These things, however...

...are actively and definitively evil and therefore ideal for the story.

 

Or...

How these shitbuckets are fetching Escort Mexico money I have literally no idea.  They are horrible in every way.

[cort1977]

In the early 80s someone told my mother that vans were cheaper to insure than cars and she got one of those Bedford vans.   No seats in the back but us kids did have luxurious* carpet off cuts to sit on.  When that rotted away she got an ex-MOD mini van in black.   It was mintola when she got it, would be worth a bit to mini-lickers these days.

 

Now I have kids I end up in earnest conversations about baby seats, getting them 'professionally' fitted and the right age to switch to forward facing.   I always have to hide a smile thinking about riding in the back of shite vans.

[eddyramrod]

When I was little we would go camping in an Anglia van... parents in front, me, little sis and Granny in the back, sitting on a makeshift bench constructed from all the bedding.  Those were the days...

[Adrian_pt]

If home library then I guess it has to be a big van - which rules out the Lada Riva van, the Maestro van, and the Morris 310 Metro - all of which would be shite (Maestro probably the least glamorous too)

 

VW LT35? 

 

Talbot Express? 

[dugong]

Those self-immolating Renault Trafic turbo vanambulance things must come high up the list.

[dollywobbler]

100_3078.jpg

 

Perfect. Especially with the non-turbo 1.9 XUD. MISERY.

[Lacquer Peel]

Deffo Serena/Vanette. Bonus of being the slowest car on the road when it was released.

 

The Vanette isn't a car, by van standards the performance* on offer is adequate, and no worse than many of its competitors at the time.

 

I was driving a new Sprinter 4x4 through work at the same time as I owned the Vanette and the Sprinter stalled all the fucking time and felt no quicker except at high speeds where its inherent instability put you off pressing on.

There you go, a new Mercedes-Benz product is worse than a 14 year old Nissan van.

[willswitchengage]

[They_all_do_that_sir]

Sounds like it's a porno lol

[MarvinsMom]

LDV maximus?

 

vauxhall chevanne?

 

morris marina?

 

any version of the ford escort?

 

hillman husky? (the van version of the imp)

[andy18s]

I had an LDV Cub.With the 2.3 Nissan n/a engine it certainty never set any land speed records but it definitely had the guts to pull anything anywhere at 50mph....

 

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[Grundig]

 

It would have to be ex Royal Mail - faded red with an odd rear door set up