SVM Industries Press Release *Scotoshite Purchase Content*

[davidfowler2000]

SVM Industries Press Release and Business Profile (CNN Business News 27/08/2015)


This year (2015) has seen massive upheaval within the inner workings of SVM Industries. As we all know, approximately 3 years ago, the Scotoshite Volvo MASSIV started as a fledgling offshoot from the grander Scotoshite division of autoshite.com taking care of the boxy Swedish needs of the snottery nosed inhabitants of the frozen lands north of the English border. From a fledgling fleet of 3 or 4 Volvos, SVM Industries AB has grown exponentially to be a world leader catering for all* your needs* from vehicle purchase, to breakdown assistance and travel / tourism arrangements. At some point between cups of tea this week, SVM Industries CEO Disco Dave (davidfowler2000) decided to pipe something out to keep the eyes of media away from the goings on in the background.


"This has been an exciting year for SVM Industries as we have been expanding in just about every direction and encompassing stuff that isn't Volvo or even Swedish for that matter. It all started with Adrian having to get rid of the white 940 estate and ending up with the diesel Charisma of doom. It all just spiralled from there and as such we had to look for outside help which came from Neil (320touring) and his brother John. This was made necessary with Andy going and winning a fucking Kia at the annual company junket to welsh Wales and we had to call upon the guys at ThreeTwentyTouring (TTT) Solutions Ltd in order to get it back up the road. Since then we have gained much knowledge from their experience with diesel tuning and veg combustions which has greatly increased the revenue of our airline subsidiary, SVM Air Cargo Ltd, by increased engine performance while either maintaining or reducing fuel costs.

We have even moved in to the market for French biscuit tins now that Adrian has went and got himself most of a AX10 as his company vehicle.

Such is the expansion, it has been decided that rather than having the world come to us for help, we should get in to the community to pedal our WAREZ AN SHYTE. As such, SVM has turned to the domestic market for a suitable vehicle to hit the roads. Various suppliers were annoyed before it was settled upon to purchase a bus as the SVM Mobile Command Centre. In true SVM style, we're not doing by halfs - a Leyland Olympian built for the Hong Kong market will soon be heading to our outstation in the Democratic People's Republic of Barrhead. It has about 197456762354sq ft of usable floor space for carting the masses if need be, a bog, much cargo space, potential for a full vehicle P.A blasting Retro FM and a towbar that could probably be used to A-Frame one of our L1011-A heavy freighters.

People have said this watering down of the Volvo content will kill the SVM brand to death but I just say the madness makes us stronger!"


When he had finally stopped working his baws aff and got back his 18th hire of the day, we also got this statement from SVM's Director of Procurement, Andy (cms206):
"In. The. Name. Of. Scuttering. Fuck. What's he done now? Too much fuckin money that cunt. But aye, see that Kia! Great. Brilliant! EET EEZ ZE BEST FORRIN CAR AI HAV EVAR OWNED! Seriously. This deviation from the norm for SVM has been great. The loadings at SVM Air Cargo and it's subsidiary, SVM Road Cargo have gone balistic now that we're importing all sorts of Korean and French snot boxes along with the usual influx of Swedish bricks. In all fairness to the bam, this new procurement (ower an above ma heid I might add!) of a mobile command centre will be GR45 as getting our business in to the community so expect to see some form of SVM Roadshow coming TO YOU!"

To try and get an idea of how SVM Road Cargo S.a.r.L were getting on we did try to get a hold of Road Transport Manager, Neil (creepingjesus) but he was too busy in Arbroath trying to get his arm-length company, "Smokies and The Bandit" to turn a profit. The situation not being helped by having to sit in the queue at ASDA's yard for 19 years straight and Andy not procuring suitable road vehicles to negotiate Dundee while howfing 80 tonnes of kippers. What an arse.

With the upsurge of goods being transported by air, modifcations have had to be made to the air cargo fleet. For more information we tracked down Technical Director, Adrian (rml2345), to the sheds where we found him head to toe in ATF Dexron-II who was generally livid at the fact.

"CUNTS!!!!!!!!!" Was all we were able to get from him at the start but after a while he settled to a quiet roar:

"AH TELT THEM! YE'LL NEVER DAE THE JOB WI WHAT WE'VE GOT. DID THEY LISTEN? NAAAAWWWW!!!! JUST MAKE IT HAPPEN!!! WE'VE 3 PLANES THAT WORK, 2 WITH PHOTOCOPIED MOTs, 18 IN THE SCRAP LINE AND WE NEED 87!!!! AH TELL YE IT'S THE FUCKING SCOTTISH BUS GROUP WI WINGS!!!!

So aye the best modification I think we done was to convert the L1011-As from RB211-22 to the more powerful RB211-534 but running them on veg. The guys at TTT Solutions were very helpful showing us how to use the Bosch pumps while tweaking the injectors to handle the increased goo factor from the veg oil. What threw them was that these aren't 4-smoke engines or 2-smoke for that matter. But when we finally told them that the lower the number the better it is on account that you're closer to running on straight explosions, they got well in to their stride and ploughed on with the mods. While these are constant burn engines but still not as fearsome as a rocket, we had to get the DOOVLA to class these as 1.5-stroke engines. We also get a cheaper tax disc as rockets are classed at 1-smoke and the bio fuel gives us much bigger fuel duty rebates. But aye, more power more better!

As for the DC-10s. FUCK RIGHT OFF!!! Told them, it's a Gardner turbofan. They're no fast but they'll last forever. Servicing is minimal which is good 'cos they weigh a bastard tonne and I can't be bothered stripping them oot for overhaul. Did they listen? FUCKIN RIGHT THEY DIDNAE! Got they TTT cunts in to stick turbochargers on them! YE CANNAE TURBOCHARGE A GARDNER! OUL HUGH GARDNER NEAR GOT OOT HIS COFFIN AND KICKED MA BAWS FOR LETTIN IT HAPPEN!"


We did try to get more about the technical developments but he stormed off in a huff towards the workshop with an air rivet gun to try and reattach some landing gear.


Editorial Notes:

davidfowler2000 appointed as CEO due to having the nicest of the Volvos.
cms206 appointed as Procurement Director for having the biggest amount of shit lying about.
rml2345 tasked as Technical Director 'cos he's got a 1/4" socket set and a brown dust jacket.
creepingjesus given the job of Road Transport Manager 'cos he's the only one that can drive the fuckers!
L1011-A - an SVM Air Cargo in house conversion of a Lockheed L1011 Tristar into an articulated (or bendy) version for MOAR SHIT CARRYING!


Editorial Editorial Notes:

All of the above is complete and utter bollocks. It's what we talk about over curry and viewings of "Restless Natives". SVM Industries may* or may not* exist.


In all seriousness though - in an effort to out-shite everyone (on scale at least), I am in the process of purchasing one of Workington's finest ex megabus Leyland Olympians to play with so keep your eyes peeled for the Thread of Kolleckshuneering once travel arrangements have been sorted through John Candy Promotions Ltd (A Subsidiary of SVM Road Cargo (A subsidiary of SVM Air Cargo (A subsidiary of SVM Industries))), formerly SVM Travel and Tourism (A subsidiary of SVM Road Transport (A subsidiary of SVM Seaways (A subsidiary of SVM Industries))).

Yes I was very, very bored when I wrote this.

[beko1987]

Lol

[tooSavvy]

Yes I was very, very bored when I wrote this

 

wheelie..??

 

TS

[Lacquer Peel]

[hairnet]

you coulda condensed it

 

we gan like fuck drink petral and go places

 

in blond boxy herring infested vehicles

[dollywobbler]

Brilliant. Triple axle then?

[beko1987]

Will a volvo estate fit in the back when the seats are out? Will it go up the hill at sf next year? Bet that house would love that... Neil will have to do more runs to the pez station every 10 mins too...

[davidfowler2000]

Yup, tri-axle mr Wobbleur. 82 seats, 2 luggage racks, toilet, dash phone, tow bar and what looks like a PA handy for wiring a radio through. Ideal SVM Mobile Command Unit.

Unfortunately a Volvo will not fit in the back due to it being occupied by engine. Here it be in it's current state:
 

In Ensign Bus H987RKG ex Megabus by lesupthewall, on Flickr

 

Had I known it was for grabs I'd have got it direct from Stagecoach. It was based at Kilmarnock depot which I used to work at. Approx 22 miles from the house with easy transport links. Now it's at a dealer in Purfleet. Embuggerance but sure to be a good collection thread.

[Sloth in a bowl]

 

Unfortunately a Volvo will not fit in the back due to it being occupied by engine.

 

 

If you can't build a ramp to reach the top deck then you are NEE FECKIN TRY'IN ARRD ENUFF

[320touring]

If you can't build a ramp to reach the top deck then you are NEE FECKIN TRY'IN ARRD ENUFF

[Sloth in a bowl]

I was thinking more of, but it uses the inside of the thing to get to the top deck.

 

 

[rml2345]

^ We could probably do it but two of us are fat bastards and need the other 80 seats for pie transportation.

Surprisingly for something Leyland, they're less susceptible to rampant chassis rot than Volvo Olympians.

SVM INDUSTRIES - INDUSTRYING THE RUDDY FUCK OUT OF IT

[vulgalour]

It needs a Volvo-sized taillift that stores vertically against the back of the bus and lifts just far enough to clear the engine.  Another hatch and an inside-ramp so the Volvo can be driven over the ramp and stored on the lower deck to improve weight distribution.  That way you keep the upper deck free for shenanigans.

[320touring]

I was thinking more of, but it uses the inside of the thing to get to the top deck.

 

 

this needs moar doom blau Octies and veg tanker to be right

[Sealtainn]

Can I get a drive?

I took my PSV in an Olympian in London in 2006, I'd need everyone to stampede on like a herde of demented wildebeest when I open the doors though

[beko1987]

Think of all the square sausages it could hold!

 

I presume you blokes picked it up cheap cos your in the bus biz?

[Noel Tidybeard]

im sorry to burst the bubble but the RB-211 dont have bosch pumps it LUCAS all the way baby- mind you if you saw the state some of the pumps came back from saudi in (it honestly looked like camel shite let alone veg)  you'd agree a pomp bosch would have gone on strike

[Pillock]

Can't you put the engine on the top deck and drive the wheels through some sort of external drive belt? Then you can get a Volvo on the bottom.

[drum]

Stop the bus! Looks like a fine way for us fried egg on lorne eaters to travel to shitefest 2016 like a bunch of Cliff Richards. SVM party bus.

[dome]

Stop the bus! Looks like a fine way for us fried egg on lorne eaters to travel to shitefest 2016 like a bunch of Cliff Richards. SVM party bus.

This. Very much this. A bus load of Scotoshiters heading south on a mass Volvo liberation needs to happen.

[dome]

I think the School Bus graphics may need to be removed though. Before Andy gets his hockey skirt out and his hair in pigtails...

[davidfowler2000]

Can I get a drive?

I took my PSV in an Olympian in London in 2006, I'd need everyone to stampede on like a herde of demented wildebeest when I open the doors though

 

Could be arranged I spose

 

Think of all the square sausages it could hold!

 

I presume you blokes picked it up cheap cos your in the bus biz?

 

 

Blokes? Tis me alone that's been arranging this collosal money pit and I'm not even in the bus biz any more.

[Noel Tidybeard]

Could be arranged I spose

 

 

 

Blokes? Tis me alone that's been arranging this collosal money pit and I'm not even in the bus biz any more.

you are a winnar!- not sure what in, but well. you know......

[Mr_Bo11ox]

TL;DR

[skattrd]

Yes I was very, very bored when I wrote this

 

wheelie..??

 

TS

 

 

I'm confused, is David actually tooSavvy?

[Inspector Morose]

Blokes? Tis me alone that's been arranging this collosal money pit and I'm not even in the bus biz any more.

Ooh, I wouldn't think it's a colossal money pit. Humongous maybe but you're just blowing things way out of proportion.

 

Could be worse. You've driven it.

[skattrd]

Keep us posted with details of the collection, I'd love to catch up with this on the way back up North.

[davidfowler2000]

Could be worse. You've driven it.

Ehhhh. No I've not.

 

 

And aye there will be a live collection. Probably next weekend. Don't know if it'll be an overnight and early start or a flight down and all day effort. The bus is in Purfleet, Essex and is happy at 60mph but is reportedly good for 80

[skattrd]

Next weekend is Chumley David ... any chance of a bus appearance at Chummers? Would a bus be allowed in? please say yes.

[davidfowler2000]

It was intended and investigated. It's a car show only. ARSES!