Car Stereotypes

[Uncle Jimmy]

^^^So basically, what you're saying is Sean Connery owns a Volvo?

[DS20]

Any small hatchback with a 'powered by fairy dust' sticker: it'll be a <25-year-old woman, and the car won't have been serviced this decade. The driver will mainly be texting / facebooking, won't indicate, and will be driven with considerable 'confidence' - hard on the gas and brakes, sharp steering inputs, gap left behind the car in front measured in millimetres. If someone they cut up beeps at them, or even looks at them, the whole 'sparkly fairydust' vibe goes out the window, to be replaced by a rage-filled, gobby, foul-mouthed, assistant-of-Satan demeanour.

[Albert Ross]

Series Land Rovers. Who drives them? Landed Gentry. Architects. Antiques Merchants. Mothers, Fathers, children, Farmers, Soldiers, Quarrymen, Musicians, Hairdressers, Miners, Minors (off road),Wives, Husbands, Builders, Demolition Experts, Royalty, Heads of State, Bishops, Brewers, Monks (Dalai Lama) .. etc. etc. basically, this vehicle transcends class and pigeon holing. You can't tell. If you cut one up in traffic, you might get a cheery wave or a grenade lobbed at you.....

[Justin Case]

Land Rover Disco 3: driven by youngish women wearing jodhpurs which appear to have been sprayed on, riding boots and often carrying a whip. Whether or not they own a horse may be open to conjecture.

[Pete-M]

Agreed!

 

What does an old Merc say though, particularly an estate one? I never really noticed them so much before, but I guess they scream old money/workhorse?

I've got one. Make of that what you will.

[Lord Sterling]

I've got one. Make of that what you will.

So have I, so I'm confused. I still think many of them are in the hands of old-money types.

[Ghosty]

Car stereotypes?

 

There's DIN, double DIN, weird built in ones like Binis and Mk6 Fiestas, ones with big screens, and 6 disc changer.

 

Jokes aside - I've noticed that the Ford B-Max seems to have replaced the Jazz in its area of the market?

[warren t claim]

In my experience every car with a yummy mummy car sticker is driven by some hideous swamp donkey that spits out kids for a council estate living and wouldn't look out of place on the Jeremey Kyle show or the queue outside Walton prison on visiting day.

[Cavcraft]

LandRover Discoveries: Generally owned by 'One live, live it' types with bits of drainpipe sticking out of the wing and running up past the windscreen, wheels that wouldn't look out of place on a Daf lorry and spending their time 'offroading' on a council estate where a winch with a pulling rate of the QE2 mounted to the front bumper must be very useful. The people that own them often go to great lengths to bore you to tears about their 4.33790867564 diff and Sid Vicious couplings and (most importantly) how Landrovers are the best 4x4s in the world. Just before their gearbox implodes (again) and the rest of the car turns into brown dust as soon as I rains 23 miles away. Wouldn't know build quality if it snuck up behind them and twatted them over a head, having swallowed the same bollocks as VW owners.  

 

Or, in the case of the Freeloader* or Evoque, 'off roaded' outside Tarquin and Guinevere's school, one wheel on the pavement, three on the fucking road, or taking several places up in one go outside a supermarket.

 

 

*Unless it's the original one, in which case it'll be on eBay with a steam factory for an engine and the description will read 'last owner disconned the 4WD as it's cheaper to run in 2WD'

Obviously not because it's fucked and they all do that, sir.

[OwdChina]

Enormous 4x4 Dodge mud truck..............Driven by a courteous good mannered twat.....with a short temper.

[Station]

Cavalier Mk1: Clearly a winner in life with nothing left to prove to anyone. International fanny magnet, man of extreme good taste and probably co-owner of a small white dog.

 

Modern Audi or BMW: Shiney suited gobshite, lives on a modern housing estate with a  trophy blonde bint wife, 2.6 kids and is up to his eyeballs in debt. Car is financed, wife is financed, mortgage ten times more than he can afford, but at home he's fuck all. That's why he drives everywhere at 271mph, 1 inch from your back bumper with his fog lights on as he races to his next appointment to rip some poor pensioner off with gas and electric. He HAS to make no. 1 in the office sales chart this month, he can't be beaten by another poncey wanker with a spikey haircut and more lines in cheese than the world's biggest pizza. Let's his hair down at Chester Races by drinking his own weight in knob head alcopops and mixers, pisses on the Eastgate clock at 6.00pm in full view of shooppers with kids, then has a fight with someone from another area. Gets beaten up, vomits all over his Matalan suit then has to get a taxi home which costs him £125 to go 20 miles because he's a fucking idiot.

Will go into the office on Monday, tell everyone he won £17,961 on the nags, drunk 18 bottles of Moet from a famous footballer's wife's minge and then fought 27 door men and knocked them all out.

 

Pretty much spot on there.

[theorganist]

2CV. Bloody hippies with beards, sandals and long hair. However, I am not a vegetarian.

 

You forgot to mention Guardian reader.

 

I remember a motoring article in the 80's (Auto Express IIRC) describing 2CV6 drivers as Guardian reading social workers!

[mrcitroen]

MrBitchy Evo's & soobooroo imprezza STI's - Driven by wannabe drug dealer / council scheme hardmen / knuckle dragger inbred pikey types. Always driven as loudly and a s menacing as possible. Think they have won at life cos they drive a scooby / evo. Usually accompanied by a hardened bint from Jermey Kyle show.

[UmBongo]

Volvo estates are driven by antique dealers.

 

Vauxhall Corsas with big wheels are driven by Neds.

 

Volkswagen Golfs are driven by arseholes of the highest order.

 

Honda Jazzers are driven by old codgers at an alarmingly slow rate of knots.

 

Old Passats and Vectras are driven by eastern Europeans who are under the impression that they have 'made it'.

 

Cars with very loud performance exhausts are driven by men with tiny knobs.

 

Audi/BMW/Merc 4x4s are driven by middle-aged women with dyed blonde hair and a poor sense of direction.

 

Mostly...

[UmBongo]

I give you Mrs Alison Cambell of Squirel Green Formby L37, employee of Tesco - You fucking bitch - Die you lying scum bag die.

 

In 2004 I overtook a piccasso, that was slowing and moving to left. She then turned into Tesco's staff car park, to the right. She admitted liability and said she was uninjured.  After a couple of days, she realised with no witnesses she could say she had whiplash and that she'd been indicating.  My insurance company immediately threw the towel in, paid an undisclosed sum to the bitch. I hope she fucking dies.  Did I say I hate all pissaco owners. 

The bloke I sat next to, at work, had a 'nice' Saxo VTR (standard and unmolested).  His wife fell pregnant, and he swpped it for a pissaco. I wouldn't talk to him for weeks after. Twat.

 

I know Alison.

 

She died recently in an RTC.

 

She swerved into the path of an oncoming Tesco lorry while playing with her smart phone.

 

I hope you are happy...

[Taff]

^^^So basically, what you're saying is Sean Connery owns a Volvo?

Another reason to dislike him...

 

 

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[Taff]

In my experience every car with a yummy mummy car sticker is driven by some hideous swamp donkey that spits out kids for a council estate living and wouldn't look out of place on the Jeremey Kyle show or the queue outside Walton prison on visiting day.

I've just been swiped on Tinder by exactly that woman. I'm terrified.

 

 

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[Six-cylinder]

When 2CVs were still current I sold a new one to a district nurse for her rounds in Wendover, Bucks!

[Cavcraft]

Vectra CDTi diesels: taxi drivers or wankers.

 

Old Polos: spikes haired/beany hat wearing twats with 'lower than your gran's nipples' stickers and running on cut springs and stupid fucking wheels.

 

Seven seaters: fat, cake shovelling bints with fat, cake shovelling kids called Keiron and Britney. Take three spaces up, interior covered in body fluids, chocolate and half eaten sweets. Often heard telling their kids to eff off round the supermarket and telling the police they're little angels after they've been caught for the fifth time breaking into their neighbour's house and bricking fire engines.

 

Ford Escort Mk6/7: own one of these? Best burglar deterrent EVER. Nobody is ever going to break into your house because you clearly have fuck all. You've hit rock bottom and have only got enough money to buy the car (£47) a bent MOT and 10p to use the Co-op's photocopier to copy a tax disc from your mate's dad who stole it off the C53 Stagecoach bus that goes round your estate. Likely to be featured on Roadwars being chased by Pat and Carl as you throw Columbian marching powder out of the window and are described as a 'valve' or 'donut' by a cut price Danny Dyer soundalike.

[NorfolkNWeigh]

Chicken or egg ?

For example, for my job I need a largish ,comfortable, roomy estate that will cover long distances at motorway* speeds. I won't buy GirlWheel Drive cars so that narrows the choices somewhat, also I can't stand 4 cylinder diesel roughness- hence the 530d estate I'm currently considerately conducting up and down the Motorways of this fine land . If I should happen to be approaching a dawdling Vauxhall driver that is about to lurch into my path I may flash my lights- it's not my fault the original company driver specified the optional ' Adaptive Get The Fuck Out Of My Way You Pleb' headlight package.

This is not a BMW thing,I could quite as easily be drivinga,oh I don't know, a Merc.

[alf892]

Oi Norfolk!

No defence or justification please!!! This is stereotypes......it is fun seeing how so many ring true

[NorfolkNWeigh]

I know, but it's the car that's making me into a stereotype.

 

 

I'm just a stereotype

I can't drink my age in pints

I don't have girls every night

But apparently I really exist

 

(With apologies to Jerry Dammers and Neville Staple)

[Adrian_pt]

I like it when the stereotypes DON'T match. 

 

In a very smart part of South West London, all the kids are dropped off at school in enormous 4x4s. Except for one mummy, who takes the little darlings in an absolutely hanging Vanden Plas 1300. Makes me grin every time I see it.

[Taff]

I like it when the stereotypes DON'T match.

 

In a very smart part of South West London, all the kids are dropped off at school in enormous 4x4s. Except for one mummy, who takes the little darlings in an absolutely hanging Vanden Plas 1300. Makes me grin every time I see it.

Bung an Autoshite sticker on her motor & point her in this direction, she can be our new queen.

Or get me her phone number

 

 

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[Junkman]

In England the Volvo driver is seen as a member of the SVM.

 

FTFY

 

Apart from this, I oddly identify most with the Rover stereotypes posted hitherto, but miss the LS&2SB connotations usually attributed to tatty P6 V8s.

Got a few more:

 

Corvette - Pimp.

Rolls Royce Phantom - Crook.

Second-hand Rolls Royce - Cabbie doing weddings on the side.

Maybach - Weapons dealer.

Morris Minor Traveller - 70ish old-hippie, who hasn't missed his annual Glastonbury face painting tent visit once since 1968.

W210 E-class - Ex copper now working for a security services company.

Transit Camper Van - Teacher.

Saab - Brainy freelancer with six-digit income tax returns, and a Molnár Villa sparsely furnished with Isamu Noguchi furniture.

Big Peugeot saloon - Grows ivy on a trellis mounted to his garage wall, polishes his garden dwarfs at set intervals and has a model railway layout.

Nissan Skyline R34 Nismo G-Attack - Nightclub bouncer.

 

I love my prejudices. They all are true.

[jonny69]

Mk1/Mk2 Escort* drivers. Well, I say drivers, I mean owners. They don't really drive these ever, the cars spend most of their time being built at great expense and then sitting in a garage. Always wear jeans, t-shirt and trainers, shaved head or short cropped hair. Sometimes badly concealed light-racist tendencies present - mentioned casually in conversation - but nowhere near as blatant or prevalent as hotrodders. Owners always claim to be from London but under further inspection actually come from Kent or Essex. Without wishing to sound too much like a patrician or a snob, they all speak with a common accent (no exceptions). Everyone is called mate, engines are all shit unless it's a fackin' Zetec and 'ad fifteen grand sunk into it. Which leads nicely into the next point: ALL of these cars have has serious amounts of cash spent on them, but the owners are generally uneducated sounding and, to be blunt, come across a bit thick. So where has the money come from? What do these guys actually do for a living? They all seem to be roofers or plumbers.

 

*Includes all models of Capri, Mk2/3 Cortina and some 105E.

[purplebargeken]

VW Beetles: scruffy one's driven by decent blokes who refuse to go for the scene/pineapple thing

 

Hyundai i10's: driven by older decent blokes who are not not very angry (well, not very, very angry) and who don't desire a BMW or Audi thingy unless it was made in the 1980's. .

 

Triumph Toledo: with a TR7 engine in. Driven by a decent bloke who doesn't give a fuck if the car isn't shiny or concours. 

 

Volvo Amazon: driven by decent blokes who spend way too much time on the AS forum. 

[derskine]

Echo previous Vauxhall Agila post usually old bastard at the wheel.

[forddeliveryboy]

Regarding the Fords, perhaps they gave up paying to go to football matches?

 

Interesting point about a car turning you into the stereotype. But once a car has a strong stereotypical image, the sheep will stick rigidly to the rules.

 

Even the most stereotyped cars, such as the 2cv, were driven by a very broad church. I've met senior army officers who used them day-to-day, hardened bikers who used and adored them, engineers, lawyers and policemen. And of course the Tory MP Alan Clark. Never an estate agent, though - I think they're too far into the 'sheep' category. The 'stereotypical' owners all seemed to huddle together and form car clubs for their cars - which I suspect were more to do with a social life for themselves than anything else.

 

I've also known hippies in nearly new Audi estate cars, vicars with Cosworths and forex traders with seven year old Vauxhalls. None of them cared what others thought of them. But it seems we've created a country and way of life in which most are defined by what they buy, so alter their buying habits to suit.

 

But...

 

[DVee8]

Estate agent Bini in black signed up in pink,Citroen DS3 in black with pink signs.

 

Failed wag  Merc ML,BMW X3

 

Teacher Suzuki vitara,fat Bini countryman,Merc slk

 

What does a bank manager drive nowadays? BMW 3 Merc C class

 

Toyota carina,Avensis,Nissan bluebird,Nissan Primera,Honda accord.Mini cab driver

 

Nurse VW Beetle Ford fiesta Nissan Juke