Drugs in the tea urn? Who signed off on this shite?

[cort16]

I was thinking about cars that on the face of it are crack pot ideas that either flopped massively or turned out to be a big success.

I'm thinking about cars that had to be signed off by some drug adled exec who was about to leave for "personal problems" such as not being able to fit enough drugs up their nose or some free thinker who was determined to re-invent a car segment but actually just ending their career instantly.

 

Obviously the Avantime is close to my heart. Fair play to Renault for signing off on it but for fuck sake a luxury 2 door Espace coupe is a terrible idea no one is going to buy one and sure enough they didn't. History said that only the french bought big French cars but even they didn't buy to many of them. Partially Renault are responsible for baffingly launching the Vel Satis at the same time, which is not only mental in itself but the Velsatis isn't exactly a conventional car. On top of which the Velsatis had the build quality of  pound shop ironing board so they all blew up or had £90,000 warranty claimsn

 

IMG_1348 by cort16, on Flickr

 

The City Rover. No great plans to change the luxury car market like Renault with the Avantime. It's was really just cock arsed attempt to trick the general public out of their money with a shit car imported car from india. It turned into a Joke that back fired and shat on an already pretty shitty Rover brand.

 

 

The Ford Sierra. It took a seriously big set of plums to not only kill of the Cortina name but to switch it to a hatchback that looked absolutely bugger all like the Cortina. This of coursr went down like a shit sandwich at a toddlers picnic with the general public. Once everyone realised the Cortina wasn't coming back and the fleets bough bazillions of them it went on to be a massive sales success even though it was lumbered with Cortina running gear.

I still don't forgive them though I was 9 years old at the time and still feel the pain. I WANT MY TEDDY.

 

 

 

More Rover madness. In an automotive equivalent of getting someone to look the other way while you nick all the crisps out their open crisp packet Rover came up with the 75 and ZT v8's to try to distract the world from the facy the whole company was being flushed down the toilet/off shore bank accounts Someone decided trying to cram a massive v8 from rear wheel drive american police car into a front wheel drive car bought by pensioners seemed like a great idea right at the point they got to the half way point of their box of skunk laced chocolate biscuits. Amazingly they managed to build and by all accounts didn't make a massive arse of it given the general architecture. Obviously no one really bought one and the few that made it onto the roads ares now only desired by weirdo Avantime drivers and visitors to specialist car forums.

 

 

 

[Junkman]

Every car launched since 1986.

Crack. Terrible stuff.

[Pillock]

Tall cars.

Like, the Fusion to the Fiesta. The original C-Max to the Focus. Golf Plus. That tall Astra thing with still only five seats.

 

I can only see them appealing to wearers of top hats, yet an entire new model is launched.

[Shep Shepherd]

The Sierra terrified me when it was first launched, but over the years I have grown to like it a lot, so much so that I'd own one in a heartbeat, preferably one on a Y-plate

 

As for the Avantime and R75/MGZT V8, the world is a less dull place because they exist ^^

[cort16]

There was some pretty fruity decisions made pre 1984

 

 

Alright lads I was just kicking this wedge under the toilet door to keep it open to let the smell waft out and had a great idea.

 

[sporty-shite]

Tall cars.

Like, the Fusion to the Fiesta. The original C-Max to the Focus. Golf Plus. That tall Astra thing with still only five seats.

 

I can only see them appealing to wearers of top hats, yet an entire new model is launched.

 

See also, Almera Tino. When I worked at the rental place, some shiny-suited salesmen brought one down for the MD to have a look at. We were all walking round it, when MD says to me, "What do you think?"

 

"Pointless", I replied. "There's no more room in them than a normal Almera."

 

Sales bods faces dropped, and no Tinos were sold that day.

[UmBongo]

The Edsel was a massive failure because of it's design and various other reasons.

 

Ford lost the equivalent of $2.8 billion in today's money.

 

[philibusmo]

"So lads; you know that large family car we make that is no-where near as popular as we'd hoped?

 

Well why don't we make another one that is really massive and aimed towards a rapidly shrinking market?"

 

"Sounds like a great plan!"

 

[cort16]

The Edsel was a massive failure because of it's design and various other reasons.

 

Ford lost the equivalent of $2.8 billion in today's money.

 

 

 

That what I mean. They built a car with a big chrome fanny on the front then where surprised when no-one bought it.

[purplebargeken]

 

 

More Rover madness. In an automotive equivalent of getting someone to look the other way while you nick all the crisps out their open crisp packet Rover came up with the 75 and ZT v8's to try to distract the world from the facy the whole company was being flushed down the toilet/off shore bank accounts Someone decided trying to cram a massive v8 from rear wheel drive american police car into a front wheel drive car bought by pensioners seemed like a great idea right at the point they got to the half way point of their box of skunk laced chocolate biscuits. Amazingly they managed to build and by all accounts didn't make a massive arse of it given the general architecture. Obviously no one really bought one and the few that made it onto the roads ares now only desired by weirdo Avantime drivers and visitors to specialist car forums.

 

Umm, guilty m'lud. 

[Pillock]

That what I mean. They built a car with a big chrome fanny on the front then where surprised when no-one bought it.

 

Which is weird, since a look in the Sexist thread will show that the application of a vagina to a motorcar will usually result in increased desirability.

(Apart from that old woman spread over the Vectra)

[HH-R]

The pipes at Longbridge were definitely leaking lead into the water in 2002 when they redesigned the Rover 45's interior to look like a 1970s music centre.

[Jim Bergerac]

"Yeah, so we're financially in the shit and have an aging range of conventional cars so lets spend our tiny developmemt budget on taking on a sports car no-one will buy, that has an expensive carbonfibre construction and has already failed with two other marques. And as part of the new look we'll give it before launching it under our own brand lets give it the headlights of a Fiat Fucking Punto."

 

[quicksilver]

One has to wonder just what was going through people's minds at MGR, fannying about with V8s and that ludicrous XPower SV supercar thingy at one extreme and the hopeless ShittyRover at the other, when what they really needed to spend their precious cash on was replacing the ageing 25 and 45. Who did they expect to pay 60 grand for an MG based on something no one had ever heard of?

 

2004 MG XPower SV-R by quicksilver coaches, on Flickr

 

EDIT: damn, beaten to it by seconds on the SV by Sandie. Great minds and all that...

[Junkman]

There was some pretty fruity decisions made pre 1984

 

I won't argue that for a second, but contrary to everything post-1986, not all decisions were made while being totally coked up.

 

However, there were these:

 

[New POD]

 

 

 

75 and ZT v8's

 

 

 

I look at that and think "Maybe I should look at getting one and LPGing it"

 

and then I remember the City Rover and think "Same tea Urn)

[cort16]

I think Rover knew the game was up and the x-power stuff just running interference to make it looks like something was actually happening and to keep them in the media while they prolonged the agony.

 

WTF is going on with the headlamps on that Chrysler?

[Felly Magic]

What about the early Escort mk5? Utterly dismal to drive, with shitty engines, especially the 1.3, that sounded like some daft twat at Ford accidentally fitted engines from rusty old Talbots

[Sloth in a bowl]

Somewhere in a Renault office in Paris

 

John-Pierre: 'Ere Claude, have you noticed how the company car park is full of Fiat 500's'

Claude: 'I suppose so, I don't really pay much attention.'

J-P: 'Why don't we build one?'

C: 'Cos Fiat have already and if we just copy it, we look like a bunch of talentless no idea Frenchies'

J-P: 'But there must be a way to make it tragically French, you know, like it was going really well until we opened the 4th bottle of wine.'

C: 'Hydro suspension'

J-P: 'Too Citroen'

C: 'Plastic bodywork'

J-P: 'Too Matra'

C: 'Zippy 4 pot motor'

J-P: 'Do we look like we work for Peugeot?'

C: 'Basic and reliable'

J-P: 'But we bought Dacia for that'

C: 'I have it, no one will believe we did this at any time that wasn't 3 glasses of Bordeaux past squiffy.'

J-P: 'What?, WHAT?'

C: 'We put the engine in the boot'

J-P: 'Genius, can we also give it rear doors, but make it so that nobody can get in them'

C: 'Don't see why not?'

J-P: 'Perfect and just because we don't have a 2 cylinder, 2 seat or 2 door version, we will call it the Twingo.'

C: 'Fantastic, I'll take 2 for the mistress'

J-P: 'More vin Claude?'

 

[Junkman]

WTF is going on with the headlamps on that Chrysler?

 

It's an Imperial, not a Chrysler.

And this is going on with its headlights:

 

[NorfolkNWeigh]

Right we've got a 4 door saloon,5 door hatch and even a massive estate car with a slightly longer wheelbase.what else could we possibly need in the range?

Oh yes,let's use the estate floorpan to make a giant hatch that looks like the next model down in the range,just to make sure no fucker buys it let's make it really expensive and take away the centre rear seat ,making it a giant 4 seater.

[chaseracer]

"So lads; you know that large family car we make that is no-where near as popular as we'd hoped?

 

Well why don't we make another one that is really massive and aimed towards a rapidly shrinking market?"

 

"Sounds like a great plan!"

 

 

"Don't forget to make it as ugly as fuck and give it a self-levelling system that doesn't...!"

[cort16]

I think the whole world looked at the Signum and asked the question WHY? I can only presume people who bought them had been tricked into it in some way.

[NorfolkNWeigh]

At least the 3-Litre taught them a lesson that re-engineering fwd cars into rwd versions of the same thing with a bigger engine was a dead end and waste of money................

[mercrocker]

^What about the dolly sprint?!

[cort16]

We really need to re-think the mustang. People are looking for economy now maybe we need to scale it down a bit.  Also any idea what we should call it?

Don't worry I know just the guy for the job and I've a great idea for a name. A real winner now if we can just get him away from his computer.

 

 

 

Mustang 2 - POW

 

 

[UmBongo]

The DeLorean DMC-12.

 

 

Stainless steel body.

 

Gull wing doors.

 

Projected retail price $12,000, actual price $25,000.

 

Owner arrested on drug-trafficking charges.

 

What could possibly go wrong?

[Felly Magic]

Eh Francois, we need ze open top 2 seater wiz zee folding metal roof

 

Oui Jen Claude, let uz make it tiny and charge a small fortune for it, and give it a silly name....

 

Oui, Le Renault Indigestion?

 

Non, le Renault Fart?????

 

Zut alors, Le Renault Wind!   

 

 

[vulgalour]

I'm possibly the only person in the world that genuinely desires a Mustang 2... in brown... with a tan interior.

 

 

Suffice to say, any car I like is usually categorised under the DitTU label.  Things like the Ami which looks almost conventional in estate/break form but as a saloon it just looks daft whether it's coming or going.  A car that looks as though it were designed by committee after a long night on the vin de table and Boursin butties.

 

 

[sheffcortinacentre]

only the eng from the Cortina was used in the sierra rest of the running gear was new.

if they'd sold the sapphire from the start things would've been a lot different.